Foster Children are Survivors

I have heard a lot of bad stories from foster children about their past.  It started with the foster children who entered my home.  I was constantly amazed by their past histories.  Actually, I don't think that "amazed" is the correct word.  Horrified, astounded, stunned may describe it a little better.  Many of the histories I have heard include some common themes.  "Mom left me alone a lot" is very common from kids under 8 years old.  "We didn't have any food" is another one.  However, it is the details that stay with me.  "My Mom taught me to chew on this side of my mouth so that I wouldn't hurt the hole in my tooth on the other side."  When I looked in this little girl's mouth, she had a cavity so large I could have fit a small pebble inside it.  "Mom said I was too naughty for Christmas presents."  I found out that Mom said that lovely line a few years in a row.  "I like to be alone.  I watch tv and eat cereal, until it is gone, then I wish Mom would come home."  A six year old boy told me this as I was prepping him to go to a babysitters.   How could someone leave a 6 year old to fend for themselves for long periods of time?  Many foster children stories are much worse than what I have written.

It is my personal opinion that children don't end up in foster care by accident or for borderline issue.  These kids are survivors of the worst of the worst kinds of families.  They are innocent victims of a family that has failed for many different reasons.  "Survivors" is my favorite word to describe foster children because it reminds me that a behavior that upsets me probably was developed as a survival response.  The simplest example of this is hoarding food.  A young child who has survived neglect knows that when the parents leave, the food has to last until they come back.  They may not come back for hours or even days.  I have found food hidden in some very strange places by following the smell after a few days.  I have found food under the bed, in the backpack, in the closet, stuffed inside a toy, and my personal favorite, under the bushes next to the front porch.  Foster children often steal because they do not know any other way to get the things they want or need.  I just heard about a pair of biological siblings in foster care who do not get along very well.  Have these children ever seen a positive example of family bonding?  Probably not.  How can we expect them to love and take care of each other when all they have witnessed in their young lives are negative role models?

It is a fact that foster children arrive in foster homes with some really horrible behaviors that make a foster parent wonder if there is any hope for the child.  There is hope and it is foster parent's job to find help for the child.  The case worker is your partner in this mission.  "Use the services offered" is my favorite phrase.  If the services are not offered, go and find something.  Services can include therapy, mentors, and support groups.  Other possibilities are recreational activities for older kids, preschool or story time for younger children.  These children need to see and experience normal social interactions.  If your foster child has a behavior issue that you have no idea how to deal with, call your worker or connect with other foster parents.  Chances are high that someone involved in foster care has seen the behavior and tried a few things.  These children need every tool we can pull out of our foster parenting tool box to learn how to act normally.  Remember that these children are survivors.  They act the way they do for a reason and it is rarely is just to be naughty or disobedient.  

Sometimes the solution is simple, such as my remedy for hoarding.  I give the child their own drawer in the refrigerator with their name on it.  The child may put whatever they need too in the drawer and keep it as long as it doesn't smell.  After a period of time, the child learns that foster mom will always have enough to eat in the house.  Hiding food becomes unnecessary and the child forms a bond of trust that wasn't there before with the foster parents.  Some problems are more complicated and require extended therapy, but the result is always worth the effort.  For me, the most rewarding aspect of foster parenting is changing a child's life.  Working with each unique behavior pattern and teaching a child to overcome it, is a miraculous process.  These children will continue to be lifelong survivors with the help of foster parents who care.