Bits of Thoughts from a Large Family

I have a lot of little bits of thoughts floating around me head that just haven't fit in anywhere into my blog recently.  So this is a post full of little bits.

I think siblings are necessary in a family.  I cannot imagine being an only child or being a parent of an only child.  I was teaching a class of 7 year olds this week and we started our class time by drawing our family on a large piece of paper.  I did mine just to have something to do while the kids were working.  They noticed what I was up to and started asking questions.  Why is your paper full of people?  How come there is only two girls in the picture.  Why do you have three dogs?  I have no idea why I have three dogs. The strays just kind of landed in my home.  My paper is full because I have five children plus an extra living in my house.  There are only two girls in my family because one is me and the other is my favorite daughter (my only daughter).   All of the children in my class have been adopted internationally and are only children.  They marveled at the size of my family for a good five minutes.  It made me laugh.  I know my family can be a little shocking sometimes.  I believe that everyone should have a sibling to play with, to fight with, to love and to hate.  I have one sister and we hated each other passionately for 30 years.  Now we are good friends and I wouldn't trade her for anything.  If someone asks me if they should adopt or foster another child, my answer is always yes!


Child abuse is always on my mind because of my job.  Abusing a child causes a domino effect down through generations and fans out to extended family.  The immediate damage to the child is obvious, but I am talking about looking into the future.  The most obvious scenario here is pretty common.  Children who are abused grow up and abuse their children and the cycle continues until someone become a cycle breaker.  My father was a cycle breaker and I am so impressed and proud of him for that.  He does not discuss what happened to him as a child as a result of living with an alcoholic father and I don't think I could bear the details.  Cycle breakers are amazing people.  The latest scenario that I have encountered is grandparents raising their grandchildren because their own child is more focused on substance abuse than caring for the children.  The extended family often takes on the emotional and financial challenges of raising a family member's children.  Substance abuse can also be passed down to children as a grown child becomes addicted to the same drugs that caused the trouble in the first place.  One of my son's was born addicted to crack at birth.  I am very worried that if he experiments with drugs, as many teenagers do, that his body will recognize it immediately.  Can my son break the cycle and stay away from drugs?  He is eight years old now and I am able to push those thoughts to the back of my brain for another day.  Thank goodness!

I have completed a remodel of my home office and I am so happy to have my own space to work in!!!  Remodel is actually a much fancier word for what really happened to the original office space in my house.  When we first moved in, the office was just a place to put odds and ends that we could not find a space for in the rest of the house.  Eventually, I found a hand me down desk and added a file cabinet and a chair.  We put the computer in there and called it an office.  Unfortunately, this space was never really owned by anyone in the family until we had a stray child come to stay with us for a year.  Shelly was too old to be called a foster child and just sort of ended up in our home by accident (that is kind of theme for my family).  Anyway, she needed a room.  So I had this bright idea to paint the room a color of her choice and put a bed in there.  Of course, she chose bright pink and immediately spread her clothes all over.  My office was long gone within a week.  Shelly eventually moved out and I got fed up with trying to work at home in the middle of the family room.  So began the remodel.   I still have the hand me down desk and I added a new printer and a small, brand new file cabinet that doesn't look like a file cabinet at all!  The pink was painted over and I managed some new carpeting too.  I had no idea that having my own space could be such an amazing feeling.  I close the doors and nobody bothers me.  They can't tell if I am working or playing cards on the computer just for fun.  I have found my own personal place to escape the chaos of my home and it is amazing.  If you don't have your own space, I highly recommend it!

Three of my children will be getting out of school for the summer next week and I can't decided if I am really happy about it or dreading it.  That may sound crazy but summer is such a relaxing time for my family.  We don't have a regular schedule and we get out of bed when we want to.  That is one of the amazing joys of being a stay at home mom.  However, this stay at home mom is also a working mom.  I work from home (in my glorious new office!) and pretend that I work part time.  The reality is that during the school year, I have enjoyed working most of the school day away and that adds up to much more than part time.  I am really worried about how I am going to juggle having my three wonderful children under my feet all summer long.  That is the part I am dreading.  I have set up a babysitter to come to my house two days a week.  I have also been prepping my husband to take over when he come home from work so that I can retreat to my office.   I think it is going to work, but I am not quite sure yet. I may be a crazed lunatic by the end of the summer.  Who knows??  I will keep you posted.

If you can't tell by reading my blog, I love my large family.  I love having kids in my house all the time. I love the chaos they bring with them.  I love having pets to keep everyone busy.  I love sitting at soccer practice in my car reading People magazines.  I love that my job often mimics the craziness of my family.  I work at home, and at the office, and at events.  I am always moving towards the next event on my calendar.  I juggle teaching classes with taking my kids to practice.  I juggle appointments with clients around school picnics.  Does anyone else live this kind of life?  I hope so because it is an amazing ride!

  

I am a Reality Junkie

I think that blogger's and blog readers are reality junkies.  I am not the kind of person that enjoys watching reality television.  I have seen Honey Boo Boo and it made me laugh but I think that I have enough reality in my own life where I do not need to watch another person's trauma and drama.  However, I do love to read blogs and it occurred to me that maybe I am being a little snobbish about reality television as blogging seems to be the same idea, just in written form. 

My job at Hands Across the Water seems to have an element of reality television in it.  As a licensing worker, I spend a lot of time with people who want to become foster parents.  They share their life story with me, then they right it down in reams of documentation and then I rewrite it into a home study document.  The process usually takes three to four months.  I think it is safe to say that I get to know my families really, really well.  Yesterday, I spent four hours with a family assisting them with their autobiography.   When I left the home, I was so mentally exhausted that had a hard time focusing on my own family.  I found myself snapping at my children and snarling at my husband over some really stupid stuff.  My husband is a smart guy.  When he comes home from work and finds me in this kind of mood, he works hard to stay out of my way.  I think he told the kids to stay away from mom for a little while too.  So I was left with no one to take my anger out on except myself and resorted to pounding the keys of my computer as I tried to get a little work done.  

I soon realized that trying to work was pointless too.  What was wrong with me!?  It finally came to me that I had internalized the life story from the family I was working with and it was really upsetting me.  My mind keeps jumping back to different details and experiencing it again.  I have heard all kinds of life stories in the world of foster care and adoption, so this kind of thing isn't new to me.  What is new to me is not having a place to talk about the things I heard.  Due to confidentiality issues, I can't share any details here to get it off my chest.  That makes it even more frustrating.  Writing is a wonderful emotional outlet for me and I can't use it in this case.  Not everyone can handle the kinds of stories that come from working in the foster care system.  The children often come into care with horrific stories of abuse or neglect.  Families talk of losing a loved one to substance abuse or the loss of a child.  People who adopt internationally are changed by viewing the orphanages where there child first lived.  My husband is a good listener but he has his limits.  

If you have ever been to a class I have taught, you will know that I hate the concept of confidentiality.  I am a talker and a writer.  I love to share.  I want people to know that foster parents can change lives.  I understand the necessity for abiding by confidentiality laws and I am capable of doing so, but I do not like it.  One of the places where some details can be shared openly is a support group.  I love support groups.  People come and share their stories and learn from each other.  I am a facilitator for a support group at Hands Across the Water but I have to be honest and say that I get as much out of the group as my attendees.  After all, I am an adoptive/foster parent too and I am always interested in new ideas.  One parent shared that her family has decided not to share their adopted children's stories with extended family.  She wants the family to accept the child as is, with no additional baggage to cloud judgement.   I am fascinated with this idea because I have experienced judgmental behavior from extended family too.  I also admire this family for being able to keep these matters private.  I am pretty sure that would feel like an over filled balloon waiting to pop if I could not talk about my issues.  

I am a big fan of sharing experiences.  In support group, people learn that what they are going through has happened to others.  There is a way out and established methods that can help in difficult situations.  I am not sure what we can learn from Honey Boo Boo but I know that we can learn a great deal from each other when we share our stories.  For good or for bad, many people know the my children's stories because of the nature of my job.  My kids are growing up and they are starting to realize that they have a story to share.  I asked my eight year old if anyone at school ever asked him about being adopted.  He didn't even pause his Xbox game to answer, "No and if they do, I would tell them to go away!"  Obviously he does not feel the need to share the way that I do.  It is clear that I should work on helping him learn some constructive ways to answer people who ask too many questions.    

I very much enjoy the talking aspect of my job.  I know that my experiences in foster care can help others who are brave enough to walk this path.  I am glad that I can answer questions for people.  I am sure that I will continue to write my blog and share just a few too many details sometimes.  That just seems to be who I am.  In the mean time, I may just have to try out writing in a private journal to let off some steam.