Things Foster Kids are Scared Of

A fellow blogger sent me a wonderful list of 10 things that children are scared of.  Here is the link if you would like to take a look  http://www.findababysitter.org/blog/10-different-monsters-that-scare-children/.  Foster kids are scared of the same things that other kids are scared of like the dark or a monster under the bed but often they have a few extra that will surprise you.  Some are afraid of attending a new school.  This is obviously because they tend to get moved around a lot.  Some are more scared of a new foster family than their own birth home and all of its problems.  This too, is understandable as the new and unknown is often far more frightening than the familiar.  I had one emergency placement of a 4 year old boy for a weekend who was terrified to be separated from his siblings.  The social worker had no choice but to divide up the sibling group of five because there was no foster home available to handle that many children at once.  This poor little guy was just lost without his older brother.  Thankfully, his older brother's name was Michael which happened to be the same as my oldest child.  That seemed to help a little bit.  He only stayed with us for the weekend and when I took him to the agency on Monday to be reunited with his siblings the joy on his face was a sight to see.  I had another young lady who was frightened of WalMart.  Apparently she and her siblings had been abandoned by her mother in a Walmart when she was 5 years old.  I met her when she was 17 and the fear was still very strong.  Foster kids are not just afraid of the traditional things that young children are afraid of.  Foster children have seen the darker side of life and been exposed to things that are heartbreaking to describe.  Hunger, physical or sexual abuse and neglect are common in this group.  However, these kids are survivors.  They have learned how to cope and function in the environment they have been given.  A foster parent can make a tremendous difference in a foster child's life by providing a loving home and encouraging a bond of trust.  These children can work to conquer their unusual fears if they are working from a place where they feel safe.  If your home means safety and security to a foster child, you have already given them some important tools to fight the boogieman and anything else they may be afraid of.     

Pets and Foster Kids

I am a pet person.  You would know this the minute you knocked upon my door and heard the chorus of barking that accompanies each door bell ring.  I have three dogs named Sam, Rocky, and Artie who make all the racket when you come to the door.  Two of them are very friendly and wish to greet the latest person to visit their household.  The third is more protective and shows this by continuing to bark when you come in the door.  One question I hear often from people considering fostering is, "Is it okay to have pets?"  The answer is yes, yes and yes!  Our pets are a special part of our family.  I do not have cats but I have had lizards, guinea pigs and various hamsters who share the house with the dogs.  I am not sure if my dogs actually know who lives in our house.  In addition to foster kids, we have friends who spend the night and significant others (boyfriends/girlfriends) who spend a lot of time at the house.  My daughter Brynna just broke up with her boyfriend of more than year.  He used to walk the dog and take naps with him.  I am sure that Rocky is going to miss him being around.  The foster kids who have lived in my house seem to enjoy the pets that we have.  When life is hard or stressful, a pet is a wonderful cuddling ball of fur.  A dog or a cat can provide unlimited amounts of unconditional love.  One of my kids would always spend 30 minutes stroking Sam after a stressful visit with a birth parent.  Sam seemed to understand the child's need and would just snuggle and accept the love.  It is a wonderful sight for me to watch a dog heal a child's hurt when no one else can.  Your pets are important enough to be included in your home study and a social worker will keep your pets in mind when placing a child. Walking the dog or feeding the cat are wonderful chores for a foster child to participate in.  These kids need to experience a normal life and what is more normal than cleaning out a litter box?  Shelly appreciates Rocky's protective nature.  He barks when he hears noises and does not let strangers in the house.  This helps her feel safe and protected from the danger her birth parents represent to her.  Foster kids have seen and experienced too many of the bad things in this world.  Pets can gently show them the good side of life again. 

My Foster Family is Just Different

I live in a small subdivision with nice, well kept houses.  I often think that my house must stand out like a sore thumb.  I have this vision in my head of a cartoon house with children hanging out of the windows, multiple dogs barking, and chickens running around the front yard.  Okay, I don't have chickens but I do have a lot of children and dogs (I have 3 of those).  I also don't live in fear of offending my neighbors but I do wonder what crosses their mind as they glance down the street at my house.  The most noticeable feature of my home is the number of cars parked in the driveway.  My husband and I each have a car, Michael and Brynna each have a car, and a dump truck that is part of my son's snowplowing business.  That adds up to five cars in the driveway and we are always shuffling them to let  one another out.  Michael also does work as a mechanic and there is usually an additional car parked in the garage that he is working on.  Brynna has friends who drive and they stop by and park their car at the curb.  I am sure you get the idea that we look a bit like a used car lot around here.  I also have three dogs who are free to roam in our fenced in back yard.  Barking is probably a factor for my neighbors although I am not going to ask unless they bring it up.   If I were a neighbor looking in, I am sure my first thought would be, "Who actually lives in that house?"  When you are a foster family, your family never looks the same from month to month.  Children come and go, social workers and lawyers come and go too.  My house is a very busy location.  Our family is out in public quite a bit too.  I remember one summer I did a lot of volunteering for the local Little League and all my kids would go with me to work the concession stand at the baseball fields.  A curious mother asked about my latest foster daughter.  I think she wasn't sure who she belonged too.  So I told her that the girl was mine.  She replied, " I thought she just like to hang out with your family because she is always with you!"  The changing status of my family was noticeable again this week when my Dad came from North Carolina for a visit.  I long ago faced the fact that my family is very overwhelming as a large group.  With that in mind, Dad and I visited over a two week period and he enjoyed smaller combinations of his grandchildren, depending on who was traveling with me on that day.  Dad gamely purchased dinner at a restaurant for whichever family combination appeared.  Thanks Dad!   The bottom line is that my foster family attracts attention in whatever situation we land in.  I may have a child of a different race, I may have a lot of children all at once, I may be carrying a baby in a car seat.  People are curious and will ask questions.  I am proud of my changing family and I do not mind answering polite questions.  However, beware of people who will rudely ask for personal information.  They are out there and it happens more often than it should.  I will happily give a quick explanation but I will not share the fact that my foster child has family difficulties.  As foster parents we need to protect our foster children's stories.  After all, it is their personal history and not our story to share.  Imagine being the foster child listening to foster parent describing their personal family secrets to a stranger!  I would be horrified or at least embarrassed if I was the foster child.  There are good people out there who are just curious and there are nosy people.  I learned how to tell the difference very quickly.  I am grateful that I have very nice neighbors who are not nosy and just accept the crazy cartoon house at the end of the street.

Fostering a Teenager

I just attended an orientation meeting for potential foster parents at Hands Across the Water.  I have attended this type of meeting before as a foster parent but this was my first time as a professional in the field.  My function there was to answer questions from a practical stand point as someone who has experienced many of the ups and downs of foster care.  During the meeting there were several questions asked about teenagers and their behavior.  Out of all the children in foster care the largest percentage of them are teenagers.  Agencies and the Department of Human Services are always in need of foster parents for this challenging age group.  I have four teenagers living in my home ranging in age from 15 to 19.  I would like to think that I understand this challenging group pretty well, but I am not going to say that without knocking on a big piece of wood.  What is it that scares us away from offering our home to a teenager?  The question at the meeting that got my brain hooked on this topic was interesting.  Someone asked if the state would reimburse them if a child damaged their home.  I had a silent laugh to myself as I remember the three distinct dents in my front door made by three different fists.  The answer to the question is that the home owner would need to access their homeowners policy as the state will not cover damages.  I actually have no idea what my front door is made of, but it is obviously not dent proof!  I should tell you that the dents were made by two of my biological kids and not the foster kids.  Teenagers fascinate me.  I used to be afraid of my kids growing up and turning into awful teenagers but now that I am living with them it is not the nightmare I imagined.  The first benefit of a teenager over a small child is that they can talk to you and tell you how they are feeling (they may not, but they can if they so choose).  The second benefit is that they can help out around the house.  They can perform as much work as I can and actually be useful (again, they can, but they may choose not to).  I love the fact that my kids have formed their own opinions about right and wrong and are not afraid to speak up for themselves.  Jason was accused at school today of stealing someones Ipod.  He has his own and is not a thief and so was very offended when he was called down to the principles office.  The principle further offended him by checking the serial number on the back.  Later in the day, the same Ipod was confiscated by a teacher and she proceeded to look at the content on the Ipod.  Jason knew this was his personal property and what the teacher was doing was wrong.  So he told her so and requested that she turn off the Ipod while it was in her possession.  I was proud of him for the way that he handled the situation.  He was upset but calmly defended himself.  If this had happened to an elementary age child, I would have been called into the Principal's office with the child and I would have had to defend the child.  I like my child defending himself and his character.  I believe what is scary about fostering a teen is the possible lack of control we have over a foster teen.  If I am fostering a child younger than 8 years old, I know I can say no and enforce the rules.  If the rules are broken, I can apply a time out.  Teenagers have out grown time outs.  I can ground them but what is to stop a teen from leaving the house if they are really set on doing so?  I ask this question from experience with my biological children.  My oldest refused to be grounded and would just walk out of the house!  What control does a foster parent have over a foster teen if you can't keep them in the house?  This is where parenting a teenager becomes interesting.  Biological and foster parents need to find out what the teenager cares about and what matters most to them.  This information can be used to motivate the teenager.  For instance, my son who walked out of the house, values his cell phone above all else.  I quickly learned how to shut if off without forcing a confrontation.  The cellphone company has a place on their website where the phone can be temporarily deactivated.  What a fabulous invention!  From that moment on, I was able to motivate him in the direction I wanted him to go.  A teenager needs to feel like they have some control over their own lives and control is in short supply for a foster teen.  Many of them want to return to their birth families even though the environment may not be safe.  The potential to help a teenager learn to make good choices and gradually take control of their own lives is huge.  Teenagers are a challenge but the reward for successfully parenting a teen is worth it.  

Placement Call

I spent a lot of time preparing to be a foster parent.  Months of paper work and hours of training that seemed to last forever led up to this placement call.  My husband and I poured over the paperwork and talked endlessly about the type of child we felt we could handle.  Compared to the preparation, the call is less than a moment in time.  However, it is an amazing moment in time.  I will change a child's life with the decision that I make.  Do I have room for another child?  Is the child the correct age to fit in with my family.  Am I ready?  These are just a few of the thoughts that bounce through my head.  The social worker on the other end wants to know immediately if I can take a child because she has a list of possibilities that she is working her way down.  When I first became a foster parent my criteria was for a child 0-5 years old.  I had older kids in my home and I wanted to start with an age group that I was comfortable with.  However, my first call was completely out of my age range.  The social worker wanted to know if I would consider taking a child who was 8 years old.  Here was an opportunity to be mad at my social worker (there are usually plenty of those!).  She knew that we wanted to foster a young child in the hopes of adopting.  Why was she calling me about an 8 year old that she knew was not what I wanted.  Instead of getting mad, I asked a few more questions.  Why was I on the list for this child?  The answer surprised me.  She lived two blocks from my house and the social worker was hoping that she could continue to attend the elementary school she was familiar with.  A foster family often receives calls of this nature when certain criteria fit the child in need.  A good social worker has the best interest of the child in mind when working on a placement.  In the end, I was glad the worker called me because I knew the child from my crossing guard job.  She had crossed at my corner everyday and how could I not take her?  For me, the minute the child has a face or a name, I am a goner.  So the social worker brought her to my house.  I can't help feeling nervous and excited at the same time.  I get the same feeling when I am welcoming a baby placement.  Each new child brings change and a new adventure.  Placements arrive in many different ways.  One baby was brought to me with a car seat and one outfit.  Another baby I picked up from the agency.  This one came with a diaper bag but no bottles.  Both babies sent my husband running to the store to pick up necessary emergency items.  Each time the social worker shares the information that she has and promises more as soon as she can get it.  Foster kids usually come with almost no clothes, no supplies and very little information.  As a foster parent, I have learned to ask as many questions as I can think of before the social worker leaves.  I did not know this during my first placement and it was two months into fostering that I found out the child's mother was in an inpatient facility for substance abuse.  The typical stay there is 90 days.  I am sure the little girl would have benefited from knowing that her mother was safe and trying to get better.  I have had to turn down placements for several reasons.  It is important that a foster parent feel comfortable refusing a placement.  It is not a good start if a placement begins with the foster parent having doubts.  I have turned down a placement because I needed to take a break and gather my strength again.  I have turned down a placement when I feel overwhelmed.  It is important to feel confident in your decision either way.  The child coming to live with you deserves to have you at full strength and ready to tackle any issues that come your way. 

Those Scary Lables on Foster Kids

Just before I started this blog, I took a class on how to blog.  The teacher of the class was very interested in my subject matter (foster parenting) and said that it was an uncommon topic.  I decided that I would not go searching around for other foster parent blogs because I did not want to be influenced by the content of another.  I broke that promise today because I could not resist the impulse to see what was out there.  As I read with fascination, I could not help noting some of the scarier stories out there.  Most of these stories included behavioral or emotional problems.  I remember during my pre-foster care training that there were certain behavioral labels that scared me.  Take a quick glance at the Michigan Adoption Resource Exchange (http://www.mare.org/) photo listing.  Under each child listed in a photo listing is four categories:  physical, emotional, mental, and learning.  Each categories is filled in from none to severe.  The first child I clicked on had severe emotional problems and moderate learning disabilities.  The second child on the list had moderate listed in all categories and the list goes on.  There is not a child on the list with an empty category.  That is scary to me as a parent.  Can I parent a child with a severe label or even a moderate label?  I have three biological children so I started to put labels on them just for grins.  I stopped pretty quickly because that got scary too!  Adoptive and foster parents have a unique problem when it comes to labels.  They are allowed to choose the type and kind of child they believe they can handle.  Biological parents are just stuck with whatever they are blessed with.  Let me put some perspective on that last statement by sharing some of the labels I think apply to my biological children.  One is aggressive, another is highly emotional, and one may have mild learning disabilities.  That equals one severe and two moderates.  I am not sure that my biological children are adoptable if I am just reading the labels!  The point of this exercise is that all children have problems.  Foster kids may have larger problems and they may have smaller problems.  It depends upon the child and the situation.  I would like to tell foster parents to read the labels but don't be scared by them.  Foster parents have access to support and services that biological parents have to work harder to find.  My 6 year old, Nathan, was born addicted to crack.  I had no idea what kind of future problems might be in store for him.  I did as much research as I could and it appeared to the kind of thing I felt comfortable handling, so I jumped in.  My social worker recommended the Early On program to me.  They came to my home and tested Nathan through play and taught me methods to help him.  An Early On social worker visited with me weekly to teach me new things and watch for new behaviors.  He went from a baby who recoiled from touch to a healthy and happy child.  I just recently had a conference with his first grade teacher and shared his background with her.  I want her to join me in watching for any red flags that may indicate a learning problem.  She was astounded at his background because there are no signs of it beyond remaining in speech.  I want to say in capital letters that these kids can be helped with some additional effort.  I have also found that these kids are survivors and they want to be helped.  The things that they have survived are far more horrific than these silly labels they now live with.  Please don't let a severe or moderate label scare you away from a child that you can help.  What children of any age need the most is parents to love them and support them.  Just love them and watch them bloom like a flower in the sun.  It is amazing!

Visitation part II

I hope that I don't sound too negative about visitation with birth parents.  The foster parent plays a very important role in the reunification process when it comes to visitation.  However, it is a stressful situation for all people involved.  I believe it is important for foster parents to remember that birth parents love their children regardless of the abuse or neglect they may have inflicted upon the child.  This was a very difficult concept for me to understand until I actually witnessed this love.  Previously, I have discussed how Dylan came into my care and some of the neglect he suffered.  However, there is more to the story.  Dylan had a twin sister.  Both babies struggled as newborns to gain weight so the pediatrician recommended that a home nurse visit regularly to monitor their condition.  The home nurse is the person who witnessed enough neglect to inform social services that there was a problem. During the investigation process, Dylan's sister passed away.  On the day of her burial, Dylan was removed from the home at  three months old and brought to me.  I learned his story from the nurse who continued her visits in my home instead.  Sometimes a foster parent learns bits of information from different sources and it is very hard to remain objective and nonjudgmental.  This was the case for me when I had to bring Dylan for his visit.  These visits happened once a week and after two or three times I had gotten more comfortable with the routine.  Just when I was getting comfortable another bomb dropped.  The social worker wanted to include me in the visit to provide support and encouragement.  Uhggg!  Support and encouragement to people I believed harmed their children.  Impossible!  However, this is not an unusual request in the world of foster parenting.  If things are done correctly, a foster parent can act as a mentor and provided support to the birth parent.  The statistics have proven that working together for the child is highly effective.  However, the statistics say nothing about how emotionally difficult this is for both sides to accomplish.  It is normal for a foster parent to feel protective of the child and to form their own opinions about what happened.  After all, it is foster mom and dad who is dealing with the aftermath of the situation in the everyday life of the child.  I have also found that the birth parents have feelings of their own that surprised me.  Dylan's birth mother thought I wanted to take him away from her.  She also felt that I would judge her skills as a mother.  As a foster parent, neither of these ideas is in my job description.  It is the social worker's job to judge the birth parents for parental fitness.  I did not enter foster care to take a child from someone else.  I wanted to help a child in need and provide a family for a child who no longer had one.  Face to face meetings between foster parents and birth parents can alleviate preconceived ideas on both sides and that is the strength behind this idea that seems insane on paper.  Dylan's mother and I never had any heart to heart conversations that cleared the air, but I could see the love she had for him and the pain she felt at not being with him.  Dylan's birth father always held him very gently and quietly absorbed the wonderful feelings experienced by just being with him.  I served my function by telling them about his achievements and appetite during the week.  Despite the love they had for Dylan, neither parent was able to overcome their addictions and follow the plan set forth by a judge to get him back.  After a year, they stopped showing up at visits and their rights were terminated.  Yes, I was relieved because it was always stressful (I am only human).  Dylan become our fifth child another year after that.  I am grateful that I was able to spend some time with his birth parents now because when he gets older I can tell him what they looked like and how much they loved him.  Every year on his birthday we place a candle on the cake for his sister, Jessica, so that he can remember her too.  I share Dylan's story with you because foster parenting is emotional work and I want to help others be the best foster parents they can be.  I believe that we should always remember that a child's life is a stake in the work of fostering.  The success of a foster parent can be measured in a healthy and happy child as I can clearly see each day in Dylan.