There are a large number of studies done about birth order.
Many of them focus on how placement in the family affects behavior and
personality. The first born is often labeled as a leader, while the last
born is often more socially oriented. The middle child is the negotiator
or mediator of the family. Most of these studies agree that the order of
birth is a critical factor in behavior. However, adoption and foster care
tend to turn all of these studies upside down because children arrive in
different ways and at different stages of life. Family roles are
redefined with each child who enters and leaves the home. Most people who
attend my training classes want to know how this will affect their family.
I will start with the negative effects
because these are probably the most well known facts. The general rule of
thumb is to allow a family to grow into each developmental stage. If a
family has no children then it is recommended that they adopt an infant.
However, this assumes that the family in question has no experience with
children of various ages and does not consider life experience. The
concern here is that a new parent will not know how to care for a child who is
10 or 15 years old. Many people have occupations working with children or
have an extended family with many cousins or nieces and nephews to learn from.
If you feel confident and have some experience with older children then
this risk can be minimized in the long run.
Another risk factor that should be
considered is the affect on children already in the home. A child coming
from foster care will have an unknown list of behaviors resulting from a
traumatic past. This creates an immediate risk. Questions that
should be asked up front should center on a child's ability to interact with
other children and any past history of sexual abuse. Children who have
been sexually abused have a higher risk of becoming an abuser themselves. Or
may just act out sexually in inappropriate ways or ways that are way beyond
their years. Children adopted from other countries will have many of the
same issues as foster children. Learn as much as you can about the child
before accepting placement or bringing the child home.
Plan on a child of any age having some
sort of affect on the children already in the home. This is a life
changing event for all family members. A parent should be on the lookout
for signs of stress, acting out or difficulty in school in both the new child
and children already in the home.
With the negatives consequences out of the
way, we can jump to the benefits of bring a child in the home of any age.
I will be honest and state that my oldest child had a great deal of
difficulty with any age child I brought into the home. He responded the
best to the tiny babies that arrived and so obviously needed love. He was
12 years old when we began fostering and I did not feel comfortable bringing in
a child older than he was. He has always been the boss and leader of his
siblings and I knew that bringing in an older child would be a significant blow
to his identity. Understanding and knowing your children well is a major
component of success. Our first placement was an 8 year old girl.
She was the same age as my second son and this is called twinning.
My oldest managed to accept her into the family pretty well. My
daughter took on a mothering role right way that was pretty fun to watch
because she was only 10 herself. My twinned up son had a more complicated
relationship. He liked to play with her and did not mind sharing his
toys. However, he felt quite funny about acknowledging her at school.
He was able to share his Dad's affections pretty well, but did not enjoy
sharing his mother. Jealousy was a common issue for these two. For
the entire length of her stay, it was a complicated relationship.
I have had more relationship success with
the teenagers who have made their home my own. The larger age gap seemed
to be an easier hurdle for the younger children to accept. My teenager
placements often take on the role of caregiver for the younger children.
Through helping out with younger children, they have found peace and
understanding of how a healthy family works. My younger children have
always been willing to seek out the attentions of a teenager and hopefully get
them to play a game or help them grab a sandwich. I have seen both sides
benefit from the relationship. My younger children, who are 8 and 9 years
old, quickly developed an understanding of people living with us and then not
living with us. They are able to voice their likes and dislikes of an
older child by saying things like, "I don't like how she bossed me around
or he always played football with me." My experience has been that a
child who is a similar or close age to my current children is easier for me to
parent but harder on my children. A larger age gap seems to leave more of
the family roles in place and an older child is free to create their own
identity within the family.
I am not a big advocate of not doing
something because a study says that it is a bad thing to do. Each family
is different and each set of parenting skills are different. My children
have benefited greatly by the experience of fostering and adopting. All
of them (even the adopted ones) have developed a sense of compassion for
children in need. They have all become kind and considerate people who
can easily see challenges in other people's lives. I do not believe I
could have taught them this value just by pointing it out or showing it on
television. My last word of advice in adopting or fostering out of birth
order is to be aware that more challenges will pop up down this road as
compared to staying within the birth order. As always, keep your eyes and
ears open for trouble and seek out professional help if you are struggling with
this challenge.
