Adopting Outside of Birth Order

There are a large number of studies done about birth order.  Many of them focus on how placement in the family affects behavior and personality.  The first born is often labeled as a leader, while the last born is often more socially oriented.  The middle child is the negotiator or mediator of the family.  Most of these studies agree that the order of birth is a critical factor in behavior.  However, adoption and foster care tend to turn all of these studies upside down because children arrive in different ways and at different stages of life.  Family roles are redefined with each child who enters and leaves the home.  Most people who attend my training classes want to know how this will affect their family.

I will start with the negative effects because these are probably the most well known facts.  The general rule of thumb is to allow a family to grow into each developmental stage.  If a family has no children then it is recommended that they adopt an infant.  However, this assumes that the family in question has no experience with children of various ages and does not consider life experience.  The concern here is that a new parent will not know how to care for a child who is 10 or 15 years old.  Many people have occupations working with children or have an extended family with many cousins or nieces and nephews to learn from.  If you feel confident and have some experience with older children then this risk can be minimized in the long run. 

Another risk factor that should be considered is the affect on children already in the home.  A child coming from foster care will have an unknown list of behaviors resulting from a traumatic past.  This creates an immediate risk.  Questions that should be asked up front should center on a child's ability to interact with other children and any past history of sexual abuse.  Children who have been sexually abused have a higher risk of becoming an abuser themselves. Or may just act out sexually in inappropriate ways or ways that are way beyond their years.  Children adopted from other countries will have many of the same issues as foster children.  Learn as much as you can about the child before accepting placement or bringing the child home.

Plan on a child of any age having some sort of affect on the children already in the home.  This is a life changing event for all family members.  A parent should be on the lookout for signs of stress, acting out or difficulty in school in both the new child and children already in the home.  

With the negatives consequences out of the way, we can jump to the benefits of bring a child in the home of any age.   I will be honest and state that my oldest child had a great deal of difficulty with any age child I brought into the home.  He responded the best to the tiny babies that arrived and so obviously needed love.  He was 12 years old when we began fostering and I did not feel comfortable bringing in a child older than he was.  He has always been the boss and leader of his siblings and I knew that bringing in an older child would be a significant blow to his identity.  Understanding and knowing your children well is a major component of success.  Our first placement was an 8 year old girl.  She was the same age as my second son and this is called twinning.  My oldest managed to accept her into the family pretty well.  My daughter took on a mothering role right way that was pretty fun to watch because she was only 10 herself.  My twinned up son had a more complicated relationship.  He liked to play with her and did not mind sharing his toys.  However, he felt quite funny about acknowledging her at school.  He was able to share his Dad's affections pretty well, but did not enjoy sharing his mother.  Jealousy was a common issue for these two.   For the entire length of her stay, it was a complicated relationship.  

I have had more relationship success with the teenagers who have made their home my own.  The larger age gap seemed to be an easier hurdle for the younger children to accept.  My teenager placements often take on the role of caregiver for the younger children.  Through helping out with younger children, they have found peace and understanding of how a healthy family works.  My younger children have always been willing to seek out the attentions of a teenager and hopefully get them to play a game or help them grab a sandwich.  I have seen both sides benefit from the relationship.  My younger children, who are 8 and 9 years old, quickly developed an understanding of people living with us and then not living with us.  They are able to voice their likes and dislikes of an older child by saying things like, "I don't like how she bossed me around or he always played football with me."  My experience has been that a child who is a similar or close age to my current children is easier for me to parent but harder on my children.  A larger age gap seems to leave more of the family roles in place and an older child is free to create their own identity within the family.  

I am not a big advocate of not doing something because a study says that it is a bad thing to do.  Each family is different and each set of parenting skills are different.  My children have benefited greatly by the experience of fostering and adopting.  All of them (even the adopted ones) have developed a sense of compassion for children in need.  They have all become kind and considerate people who can easily see challenges in other people's lives.  I do not believe I could have taught them this value just by pointing it out or showing it on television.  My last word of advice in adopting or fostering out of birth order is to be aware that more challenges will pop up down this road as compared to staying within the birth order.  As always, keep your eyes and ears open for trouble and seek out professional help if you are struggling with this challenge.