I really enjoy writing this blog. The biggest payback that I get is reading everyone's comments about the things that I have written. I feel very lucky that people trust me enough to post some personal details of their lives or ask me for advice. I monitor the comments every day to ensure that I answer as quickly as I can. I have been writing this blog for 2 years now and for the first time there has been some negative comments posted. I wasn't sure how I felt about that to start with because so much of my personal self is written here. After some thought, I decided that I was glad to see my blog through a different set of eyes for a few moments. I realized that I am a very lucky person because I have been on both sides of the system. When I say "system," I am referring to the entire world of foster care and adoption that includes birth parents, foster parents, extended family, the State of Michigan and private agencies. I have been a foster parent and worked with the State. I have been an adoptive Mom and worked with birth parents. I currently work at a private agency licensing and supporting foster parents.
Let's talk about the system and the media. The only information the average Joe receives about foster care is from the media. The media only publishes stories that are the worst of the worst. A quick example of this is the story that went viral about a foster family in Ohio that chained their foster children to their beds like dogs. It was a horrible story and there are not enough adjectives in the dictionary for me to describe how I feel about a story like that. Other favorite stories that appear commonly are about Grandparents fighting to get their grandchildren back from the foster care system. Rehoming is the latest topic in the news where a family has adopted a child and then wants to get rid of the child. They post an advertisement on an Internet site and send the child to a new home, for better or for worse. Usually for the worst because the family has not been cleared or prepared to handle a child with challenging behaviors. All of these news stories are true, but they do not represent the true work that the foster care system does.
People talk about the system being broken or accuse the State of child trafficking (look for this kind of negative comment posted on my blog by a reader). There is a common misconception that Child Protective Services (CPS) removes children from the family they were born in for the smallest of reasons. Only to place them in a system where they are guaranteed to be abused by a malicious foster family. Another common theme in the media (and my personal pet peeve) is that foster families are only in it for the money. We have all heard about stories where 18 medically handicapped children are living in a small home, not receiving proper care and the foster parents are living large off of State money.
Now, lets talk about the system that I have experienced. I have never witnessed a foster home with more than 6 children living in it. Some of the children I have seen placed into foster care by CPS have been malnourished from neglect. Some are emotionally and mentally traumatized from witnessing drug abuse and learn to be street smart as a result of learning how to find their own food when a birth parent too drunk to get off the couch. I have met children who at 7 years old know how to care for a baby sibling competently because no one else in the home will. I have barely been able to absorb the grief of grandparents who are now caring for a grandchild but grieving the death of that child's 18 month old sibling from some horrific action from their own child. My own adopted son came into foster care because his twin sister died in her crib. The actual cause of death is unknown but the possibilities are heart breaking. I know for a fact that she was not fed properly because my son came to me at 3 months old weighing 8 pounds. That is a weight a child is born at. A child who is 3 months old should be around 13 pounds. He was obviously malnourished the first time I held him in my arms as a foster mother. Some one dared suggest to me that the child may have died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Maybe that would be a possibility in a home that provided loving care but that was not the case here. I will leave you to draw your own conclusions on that one as my opinions are probably biased. The bottom line here is that CPS exists because parents are abusing children. They do not remove a child from the home unless there is specific evidence that the child is in danger. Services are provided to preserve the family and get them the help they need long before a child is removed from the home. They system isn't perfect and sometimes a worker has to make a decision that may not seem clear. Most workers do the best that they can with the evidence presented.
The phrase "child trafficking" implies that the system is removing children from the home to make money by selling them for adoption. Really!! If this thought crosses your mind, please refer to the list of known child abuses listed above. I would also like to inject a quick note here about international adoption. Have you seen the pictures of orphanages in other countries? There are people in my office who have seen and visited children in these orphanages. These places are real and children need to be rescued from them. Are there bad agencies and bad people that exploit adoption and foster care for money? The answer is yes. There are bad eggs in a few cartons out there. But that doesn't mean that we shut down the entire system. I applaud those who are working with our government to open international adoption back up and allow parents in this country to rescue children in other countries. Children need to be protected and people in the system are doing their best to accomplish that.
My personal opinion about the system from my perspective of within and without is that there are good people doing their best to help as many children as they can. It is a good thing to ask questions and monitor the rules. The lives of children are at stake in the system. If someone is crooked or not doing their job properly, a child suffers the consequences. Licensing rules are in place to protect the children in care and the families that foster them. The rules also strive to help put families back together again if possible. It is easy for the media to report on horrific stories and leave out important facts that agencies and the State are left to deal with. The result of negative stories in the media is that people are discouraged from becoming foster families that can help the children immediately. When I started the licensing process to become a foster family, members of my extended family were very concerned that I was opening myself up to the danger of public scrutiny. My desire to help children helped me to push forward and ignore questions that I did not have answer too. Some may decide that the risks are too great, and that makes me sad.
My advice is to do some research about foster care and the agency that you want to work with. Get to know the people who you are working with in your agency. Seek out public reviews of the agency and don't dismiss them on the first negative review. A good agency will stand up for the rules at the cost of their brand name, all in the interest of helping children. Attend some trainings at the agency to explore the things they are teaching. Training is free and will be credited by any agency that you land with. Ask questions and if they aren't answered to your satisfaction, move on to the next one. A foster family can choose age, race, and disability level of the children they open their home to. Explore your family's strengths and weaknesses to figure out what you can handle and what you can't handle. Licensing is not a test of your ability to take on the most difficult children in the world. It is a process to find the best family for each individual child. Foster and adoptive families rescue children one at a time by providing a healthy and safe environment where the child can grow and overcome the challenges of a traumatic past. After the news story has past and the arguments in court have died down, it is the foster parent that kisses a child goodnight and provides a hug every day that makes the system work and saves a child's life.
I have learned that my blog is an open book and I know that people are entitled to their opinion. However, in the interest of protecting myself from flame throwing idealists and advertising spam, I will now review each comment before I allow it to be published. My purpose is not to eliminate negative comments but rather to promote an open discussion. I am sure that nobody wants to hear from spam sites promoting sexual toys and will be glad that I hit the delete button before it is published. Please don't let my review process stop you from commenting either negatively or positively on my blog. I want us to be able to learn from each other and we can only do that if there is honesty.
