Christmas is about Memories

My family is very set in their ways and our traditions are always the same.  We have the same food every year because it is just so yummy.  Each family member brings the same dish they brought the year before.  Mine is cherry jello dessert.  My sister is in charge of a fancy salad and my step mom brings crab legs.  Really, the only thing that seems to change are the people.  Last year we had a foster daughter and a boyfriend attend.  This year my father joined us again after living in another state for several years. I enjoy the comforting feeling sameness and I think that foster children who are a part of family enjoy the stability too.

Despite the same traditions, the people involved are always changing.  My kids are always growing up and changing.  I expect and enjoy that aspect of raising children but now I am noticing that my parents are changing and growing older too.  Some things are more difficult for them to do than in years past.  The dinner table discussion was very interesting this year.  My kids are now young adults and have strong opinions about issues outside of their normal lives.  I particularly enjoyed listening to them argue points across the dinner table.  My extended family is quite large and we have family members on both sides of every issue.  This year's topics of debate included foster parenting in general and LGBT people as foster/adoptive parents.

I enjoy stirring the pot a little bit to get every bit of opinion that I can on foster parenting.  Some in my family are still bewildered by the fact that I open my home to other people's children.  Some are impressed but would never do it themselves and some of them pitch in and help out in anyway they can.  I think it is a good representation of the world in general.  My Christmas wish this year is for more people to sign up and give foster parenting a try because there are so many children in need of a home.  My sister is sure that she could never do what I do.  I wonder if my kids will foster when they have families of their own?  A friend and social worker at a meeting I attended stated that often people think about foster parenting for a long time before they take the plunge.  That has been my experience also.  Foster parenting is a calling of the heart, but sometimes it takes awhile for a person to listen to their heart.

The discussion about LGBT foster parents was quite heated at our table.  LGBT stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender.  Our dinner discussion reflected both sides of the political debate that is going on in the world today.  Personal opinions  seem to be set in stone with little room for understanding the other side.   Some in the family are completely against it and others prefer to stand up for the personal rights of all people.  My extended family has come a long way on this issue because we have learned about it first hand from a family member.  I think it is a bumpy road in any family.  My opinions and perspective on the matter stem from the needs of a child.  Children need families that are willing to love and care for them.  Families that are head and shoulders above the abuse and neglectful families they come from.  If a person can love and protect a child in need, then my questions end right there.

This year, I enjoyed having all my children with me at the same time.  They have busy lives now and are very close to moving out on their own.  It felt good to enjoy their company at the same dinner table. I missed those that have moved on the path of life to another family and I wonder who will be at our dinner table next year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!

Fostering Teenagers

Please don't stop reading after the title!!  I know that nobody wants to talk about teenagers.  I am hesitant to write about them because it may cause people to reconsider parenthood entirely (at least my family's stories might!).   Most of us love the happily ever after stories with cute babies and toddlers.  I love those stories too, but today, the topic of teenagers will not leave my head until I write it down.

It is no secret that the largest number of children in foster care are teenagers.  The State of Michigan has worked hard in 2012 to recruit new foster families for all the children in foster care.  The new campaign has been very successful from a numbers perspective but many of these new foster homes are empty and not receiving placements.  Why?  With 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan, I believe that every home should be filled, but that is not the case.  Most people who foster children would like a child in the 0-5 years old age range.  Fostering to adopt is the most common reason that families become foster parents and the reason I began fostering kids too.  It is a wonderful reason to enter the foster care system and help a child.  My husband and I welcomed two babies into our home and eventually adopted them.  When I think back to the circumstances of their birth, I know that we have changed their lives for the better.  Some people foster just to help children and often take in the older kids that have such a hard time finding a home.

When I meet foster parents with older kids, I wonder why they do this.  Are they angels?  Are they crazy?  Everyone knows that teenagers are difficult.  Does anyone actually do this voluntarily?  I did not foster a teen on purpose, it just fell in my lap.  For the record, I think this is a common occurrence.  Many people will take a sibling group that includes a teenager they are not quite prepared for.  Some people take in teenagers because they know them personally or are related to them.  Whatever the circumstances of a teens arrival, it is guaranteed to be an eye opening experience.

My biological children are all in the teenage age range.  I thought I knew what I was signing up for ahead of time and I was still surprised.  Shelly was a fun person to be around.  Unlike a toddler, I could have a meaningful conversation with her.  We talked about her goals in life, her friends, her school work, and just a little bit of everything.  I could feel her learning from me every day.  She enjoyed being a  part of our family because she could see how different our family was from her own.  She didn't need to learn how to walk or talk, she needed to learn how to drive and how to find a job.  She needed guidance and support.  This was so refreshing to me!  Small children can take so much time and energy to parent.  Parenting a teen is a different kind of time and energy.  I took her shopping often because she needed clothes and it was fun to watch her shopping style.  She was a no nonsense kind of shopper.   If she needed pants, we went right to the pants rack.  There was no browsing and dreaming of this or that.  When she needed a formal dress for a school dance, we went shopping and got the job done.  It was so much fun!  The down side to parenting Shelly came out quickly because she was very clingy.  She was always beside me in everything I did.  Sometimes it became too much and I would need to take a break to restock my reserves.  During this time of my life it was easier for me to handle than the behavior problems of smaller children.

My husband had a different experience with Shelly.  She stayed away from him as much as possible in the beginning.  Her father was abusive and this created a natural barrier that she did not want to cross.  However, she did come to appreciate his stability.  He goes to work everyday and provides an income for our family.  She saw this and compared it to her own father who was always between jobs.  The walls finally came tumbling down when the two of them set out to purchase her first car.  It was wonderful to watch her open up to my husband and appreciate what a father can be. I think that it was so satisfying to parent Shelly because she learned so much from our family.  My biological kids rarely appreciate having parents because we have always been there.  They naturally take us for granted.  Shelly never did.  She knew what it was like to have parents who did not take care of her and support her.

I wish more people would give parenting a teen a trial run.  I often leave pamphlets at Senior Centers in different towns hoping that people who have already raised their children would like to give an older child a home.  Their parenting experience would be a precious gift to a teenager looking for guidance.  Actually, anyone can parent an older child.  It is much easier than I thought and I gained much more than I gave in the process.  It is really something to think about!

A Foster Child's Chistmas

I am a bit of perfectionist, which gets me in trouble sometimes.  I want things to be perfect before I open the door and let anyone in.  This is why Christmas can be a difficult time of year for me.  The stress of buying just the right Christmas gift and not forgetting anyone on the list is enough to make me want to throw in the towel before I have even begun to shop.  When I have foster children in  my home over Christmas, my stress level can skyrocket!  There are additional gifts to buy.  I have to make sure that each child receives about the same number of things so that no one feels like the black sheep of the family.  I need to juggle the family events and make sure that extended relatives are prepared for some of the challenges that exist in our home and might happen at their home on this special holiday.  My head is spinning even as I am writing it down.

However, children have a completely different perspective on Christmas than adults do.  I would like to share some of the experiences I have had with my foster kids that make Christmas life changing for some kids.  Shelly spent last Christmas with us and it was eye opening for her.  She alternated between excitement with the preparations and boredom.  It was an interesting combination.  She would get all excited about making and decorating cookies and then quit after doing two of them.  She worried about the other kids getting more presents than she would.  I think this came from feeling afraid that she would be left out of the festivities.  I worried that she would feel uncomfortable or even unloved.  It was a difficult stretch of time for both of us.

Shelly was 17 years old at the time and had plenty of memories of Christmas times that had come before.  She spoke of years of receiving donated presents that were nice but somewhat unsatisfying.  I got the impression that one present picked out by her Dad would have filled her with love in a way that donated presents could not.  She spoke of the year her Mother decided that she and her siblings were bad and took away all the donated presents after they had opened them.  All I could do was hug her after that story came out.  I wanted more than anything to give her at least one good memory of Christmas.  I knew that I could not erase what had come before but I was going to give it my best shot no matter what.   She went to every family event we had and opened presents with the rest of my kids.  She smiled a lot that day.  She enjoyed sharing Christmas with my younger children who still believed in Santa.  At the end of the day, the presents didn't matter to her.  What was really important was being with a family that cared about her.  My hope  is that she can look back with a smile this Christmas and remembers the joy she felt last year.

I had another foster child leave my home at the end of November to return to her mother.   I missed her a great deal as Christmas drew nearer.  I was lucky enough to keep in touch with this child and her mother for a short time.  The second week of December, I found out that Diamond was not going to get any Christmas presents because her mother had not signed her up in time to receive the donated gifts she had relied on in years past.  I quickly spread the word around my church that Diamond was in need of Christmas presents.  In less than two weeks, my congregation pulled together enough to fill the back of my car.  I recruited my daughter to help me deliver the gifts to Diamond and her mother the day before Christmas.  My daughter did not want to go but I roped her in anyway.  We struggled to carry the load up the apartment steps and my daughter kept up a steady stream of grumbling all the way.  Diamond's mother met us with a smile and showed us where to put them.  My daughter fell silent as she took in the bare apartment with just a couch for furniture.  There was no television, computer or kitchen table to eat at.  It was a very bare existence.  Diamond was 8 years old that year and there is no describing the look on her face or the joy when she found out that all the gifts were for her.  She had been to church with our family and knew the women who had donated all these presents.  It was an incredible moment for me and for her.  I hugged Diamond one last time and headed down the stairs with my daughter.  She was silent most of way home, only speaking when we pulled in the driveway.  She said, "Mom, Diamond had nothing in her home."  Her eyes were huge as I looked her and said, "I know."  I thanked her for helping me and for helping to make Diamond's Christmas special.  Then I sat there and watched her change on the inside right in front of me.  She realized in that moment that our family had many things to be thankful for.  She realized that not everyone lives the same life that she does.  She realized that she had been a sister to Diamond for almost a year and that was a special thing.  Brynna was 11 years old that Christmas.  She speaks of Diamond every year now even though we have lost contact with her.

Being a foster parent is one of the most special gifts I have experienced at Christmas time.  The children I have fostered have changed my life and my children's lives.  I believe that my family has changed them for the better too.  I hope that you too can sort through the chaos and frenzy of Christmas and find those life changing moments in your children's lives.  I hope that you can give the gift becoming a foster parent to a child in need this year.

Protecting Your Heart

It is a sad day in our household today.  One of my daughter's best friends died in a car accident on Monday night.  He was 20 years old.  There are not enough adjectives to describe how upset and sad she is today.  I wish I could take her pain away and make it all better.  Unfortunately, I am stuck just holding her while she cries.  I am trying to say the right things but even I am at a loss for words with this one.  Even worse for me is the fact that death and grieving is not something new for my daughter.  She has lost friends before and in fact, just attended a funeral last week of an older brother of a past boyfriend.  All of this sadness and heartbreak has brought to my mind the way humans protect their hearts.

Children with abusive pasts are experts at protecting their hearts from further damage.  They do not trust easily and are usually very independent.  It is difficult but necessary to break through these walls to teach them how to love again.  But what about a foster parent's heart?  It is a sad guarantee that a foster parent will  suffer some heartbreak through the fostering process.  I even cry over the ones that I an happy to see returning home.  Foster parenting is a gift from the heart and the heart is going to get stepped on sometimes.  Is there a way to protect ourselves from the pain of loss?  

I am sure there are technical and psychological techniques that can be studied and applied but I do not have much experience on that level.  All I have is my personal experience to offer.  I used to think that I could protect my heart better with an older child rather than a baby.  Babies tend to tug on my heartstrings very quickly because they seem to be built that way.  I quickly found out that I was completely wrong on that score.  At 18 years old, Shelly knocked down my heart barriers within two months and I still think of her everyday.  As a foster parent I am able to parent and act like a mother in a very generic way.  I do not have to love a child to be a good parent.    I hope that does not sound too cold but it is true.  I can dress, feed, and bathe a child just a like a babysitter does.  I can offer support and a safe household without risking my heart.  Some of this I learned through experience and some I had to learn the hard way.  I had a little boy placed in my home on the Friday of memorial day weekend.  By Sunday I was completely in love with the child, on Tuesday he was moved to another home to be with his siblings.  It was a quick and hard lesson in babysitting 101.  With other kids, I have offered up the gift of love even when I did not want too.  It is hard to maintain a distance when another soul needs love so much.

I believe that it is okay to keep your heart in reserve as long as you can when fostering a child.  Taking care of a child is a wonderful thing and can be done in a professional manner.  I am sure a teacher or day care professional does this all the time.  I also believe that it is okay to give your heart to a child and just deal with the pain when it comes.  The gift of the heart is never wasted and the child can take it with them when they leave.  I often take comfort in the idea that I have taught a child how to love or showed them how trust should exist in a healthy family.

 Later on, when time has had a chance to work its magic on my daughter, I would like to ask her if she wished she had never let this friend into her life now that she knows the ending.  I am pretty sure that she is glad that she knew him for the short time he was on this earth.  He added to her life and she to his.  Fostering a child and then losing them is the same idea.  I can make a difference in a child's life by opening my home and sometimes my heart.  I am glad that I have foster children in my life.  I hope you are too!

Parenting is a Journey

I probably should be writing something about the upcoming holiday's, especially since Thanksgiving is only a few days away.  However, I am not a person that enjoys the holiday season.  In fact the only appreciation I have for the holidays are the days off of school and work that I enjoy.  So please don't look for any Christmas cheer on this blog.  Instead, I want to tell you about teaching my 16 year old son to drive.  Yesterday, Jason unexpectedly had the day off of school.  Monday was a scheduled half day for his school that was cancelled due to fog.  I guess it was something like a snow day only with fog instead.  I have been teaching Jason to drive for a long time, due to the fact that he is not allowed to take his driving test until his grades are all in the passing range.  He has finally reached this milestone and the test will happen sometime in December.  He is very excited about it and proud of his efforts.  I had a busy day scheduled with work and preparing for company in the evening but I decided to take advantage of the unexpected time with my son instead.  The other kids in my family go to different school districts or go to work so Jason and I found ourselves alone with each other, which is very rare.  We happily jumped in the car and headed to WalMart to buy him some much needed clothes and necessities.

Parenting is often a skill that happens in very quick moments.  We do not have a lot time to prepare for the big moments in life.  I often just hope and pray that I say the right thing at the right time.  It might surprise you to hear that my husband and I do not feel like successful parents.  We cannot point to a child that we have raised who has become something spectacular like a doctor or a successful athlete.  Parenting has brought our goals for our children down to rock bottom.  We hope and pray they graduate from high school and become a successful adults, and that is about it.   That is not to say that I am not proud of my kids or that my kids have not achieved anything in life.  It means that my kids are defining their own futures and taking life paths that I could not have imagined when I first became a parent.

I believe that a good parent is someone who never gives up.  A good parent is someone who keeps trying every day to reach a child who seems unreachable.  Jason is my biological son.  I say that because I want to remind foster and adoptive parents that all children are difficult regardless of how they arrived in your family. He has had trouble in school most of his life.  He went through a difficult (and scary) period of experimenting with drugs.  I have tried out a million ideas on this child to help him reach some positive goals.  I think my husband would agree with me when I say that most parenting techniques have failed on this child.  Love and support were useless.  Tough love only sent him running in the other direction.  Rewards and punishments were largely ignored as he plowed through life.  The only technique that seemed to accomplish anything was never giving up.  We found him a new school (an alternative high school) that he helped to choose.  He is experiencing some academic success there for the  first time in his life.  He is thinking ahead to career choices.  I am so proud of his small successes that I could burst with joy!  I understand now that it is not the big events in life that matter, just the slow and steady steps toward happiness that matter.

To return to my fog day story, Jason and I went down to the local school to practice parallel parking af.  ter shopping.  This was a new thing for him and I knew it was going to difficult.  He does not have a lot of patience (or attention span) and we are driving a minivan.  A minivan is the hardest vehicle on the planet to parallel park.  I will drive around the block 15 times before I will attempt to parallel park my vehicle.  I have been through the parking process with three previous teenagers and I was ready for the fireworks ahead.  The school has a practice area set up with cones that is identical to the official testing area.  Sure enough, before we even finished the first run through, he was ready to throw in the towel.  I convinced him to try a few more times and then let him off the hook.  All the way home, I was inwardly laughing at his tirade about how unfair this test was.  "This kind of parking was not a real life situation and he needed a different car to pass this test," he said.  It went on all the way home.  The funny part about this is that I have heard it all before.  His brother and sister had already covered this ground with me many times before.  I could have written down all the things he was ranting about before he opened his mouth.  It is moments like these when I enjoy being a parent because I already know exactly what to do and say.  I love it when my kids go through a phase that I have seen and handled before.  It makes me feel like an accomplished parent!

With my first child, parking the car was a huge drama.  I worried that he would never be able to do it.  I worried that he would not pass the test.  Looking back it seems very funny to me now.  Maybe parenting is less about skill and more about staying in the game long enough to get it right.  I have had kids fail the driving test and the world didn't end.  I have had a child drop out of high school.  The world didn't end and she has signed up for night school.  My kids are not the perfect darlings that I envisioned when they were born or arrived on my doorstep.  I am not the parent that I thought I would be either.  I have finally learned to roll with all situations and  just keep trying something new.  My favorite quote from the movie "Galaxy Quest" says it all, "Never give up, never surrender!"

Foster Parent Support Groups

Part of my job at Hands Across the Water is creating, supporting, and maintaining a foster parent support group.  I was very excited to take on this portion of my job because I enjoy sharing stories about foster care.  I hoped that my crazy experiences as a foster parent could be valuable to others.  I looked forward to listening to the stories of others and comparing notes.  I set up the classes, advertised them, and nobody came.  I waited a few months and sent the word around to different places and still nobody came.  I changed the day and time to encourage people to come and I am still at zero attendance.

Hmmm.  In the meantime, I jumped at the opportunity to substitute as a facilitator for another support group at HATW, the A-OK group for parents who have adopted older children.  This group has been established for  long time and has some regularly attending members.  I hoped to gain some ideas for my own group by hanging out with an already established group.  The experience was amazing!

Three families came and shared their situations and talked about their challenges.  I was concerned that my experiences would not apply to their situations but I was wrong.  Kids with behavior problems share many similar characteristics.  I learned a great deal and I wished that I had brought my husband with me.  It is wonderful to be around people who are seeking out solutions to their issues.  These are people who will not give up on their children and will continue to learn and explore until they find a method that works for their children. Their situation is similar to older children in foster care.   Many people outside of the foster care world wonder why a foster parent stays in a difficult situation when they can send the child to another home and just give up.  Foster parents know that if they become another step on the ladder in a long line of foster homes that the only one paying the price is the foster child.  Many refuse to give up and continue to try and help the child in their care.   It is inspiring to be in the same room with people who are so committed to their children. 

In my opinion, raising children is a life long commitment no matter how they arrive as part of the family.  Biological children come with disabilities and behavior challenges just as adopted children do.  Foster kids always bring along emotional baggage when they arrive in the home to add to the challenge of parenting.  I can honestly say that my biological children have caused me more grief than my foster kids in some cases.  We never know the path we will be traveling when we become a parent. 

That is why support groups are so important!  We can talk to each other and share the burden.  We can get new ideas or help out another family. We can form new friendships with others who have chosen to ride in the same boat that we have.  I will keep trying to get my group going because it is too important to just let it go.  If you are a foster parent at HATW email me if you are interested in participating in a support group.  If you are just surfing the net, look for a foster parent support group and let me know the address so that I can join in too.   

Don't Forget "Me" Time!

I love my car.  I do everything in my car.  It is my traveling office as well as my mode of transportation.  As a Mom, I spend a great deal of time in the car taking children to all their various activities.  I used to get tired and frustrated at the amount of time I spent in the car, until I discovered what a haven my car could be.  Now, it is fully loaded with reading material, snacks and music for Mom.  My car is always the right temperature for me (not my husband's temperature, which is always too cold!).  While I am waiting for my kids to finish their activities, I can read a magazine or a book.  I keep my church reading material in the car too for a daily dose of spirituality.

As a parent, I am a very busy person.  There is rarely time for me to sit down and watch television or read a book just for pleasure.  The family's needs always come first in my life.  I am very happy with the priority of things in my life but it gets difficult to be a giver all of the time.  I need time for me that is uninterrupted.  I should capitalize "uninterrupted" and underline it too.  All I need to rejuvenate is a small bit of time that is just for me.  I have found it in my car.  I shamelessly admit that I have a DVD player with wireless headphones in my car for my little kids and I plug them in everywhere we go.  This small thing allows me to listen to music of my choice, not the Wiggles or Raffi.  I find listening to my music for a short 15 minute ride is so relaxing that I have more patience when we arrive at our destination.

Here is another phrase that should be capitalized and underlined, foster parents need "me" time more more than anyone else I know.  Maybe driving in the car is not your personal brand of "me" time but it is important to find out what your "me" time should be.  Foster parents are givers.  We give of ourselves, our families, and our homes.  We open up our entire existence to the agency and the State of Michigan.  Private time is nonexistent in a busy foster home.  One of my jobs at Hands Across the Water is supporting our foster parents in creative ways.  It has to be creative to entice a family to spend their precious time at an agency sponsored event.  Your agency wants to help you out.  So here are my recommendations for "me" time as a social worker:

Attend support groups.  A support group will bring you together with other foster parents.  Sharing stories and swapping solutions to issues unique to fostering is an incredible experience.  Many support groups allow you to bring your kids and entertain them for you during the meeting.  If going to a group is too much, then find one online.  The same support can be found in an online group. Use respite services if they are offered.  This doesn't mean that you dump your kids on someone else.  Respite care means you can take a break and let someone else carry the load for a short time.  Hands Across the Water is part of group of agencies working to create a babysitting co-op group for our foster parents.  This will involve trading babysitting services with another foster family.  What a great idea!

My recommendations as a Mom are just as important as the professional ones.  Take care of your marriage by going on a date regularly.  Find time to talk without the kids around about things other than the kids.  Talking time with my husband often happens in my car while the kids are plugged into the DVD player.  Dating does not mean that  you have to go somewhere and spend money.  I have scheduled a date at home and sent the children to a babysitter's house.  My husband and I love to watch movies together without a child cuddled between us.  Other personal "me" time activities include, shopping (by myself and not grocery shopping!), going to the library,  or sneaking out to lunch with my best friend.  It does not matter what the activity is or how long it lasts.  The only important criteria is the relaxation factor.  What makes you happy?  Traveling in my car make me happy because I have made it a mini vacation from life.  Find your "me" time and make it happen.  "Me" time will help  you be a stronger parent, better spouse, and just a nicer person to be around in general.  Tell me what you do to relax.  I would love to hear about it.
 

Learning Curve

In addition to my work as a mom and social worker, I am also a crossing guard for the elementary school in our small town.  I have been doing this job for so long that I am hard pressed to figure out how long it has actually been .  It is just something I do as I am shipping my kids to and from school.  About 10 years ago, the school across the street was converted from a middle school to an elementary school and they needed a crossing guard to get the kids across the street safely.  I applied for the job at the local police station and it is now 10 years later.  In case you don't know, most crossing guards are employed by the local police department and it is a paid position.  I enjoy chatting with the kids everyday and complaining about the cold weather to any adult that comes to my corner.

The trouble began two weeks ago when my neighborhood lost power for about five minutes.  I didn't think to much about it until I found the traffic light at my corner was broken.  It is stuck in a flashing yellow pattern.  I love my traffic light and so do the kids.  It has a pedestrian button that the kids never get tired of pushing to stop traffic.  The light turns red and I stand in the street with my stop sign as the children cross the street.  The occupation of a crossing guard is not that complicated in the scheme of things.  My street is a busy street at the open and close of school.  School buses and parents create a mini traffic jam each morning in the rush to get kids to school on time.  My traffic light is really important to create breaks in the never ending flow of cars and get the kids safely across the street.

The first couple of days that the traffic light was broken, the police station sent an officer to direct traffic.  I helped out by holding the kids back until the cars stopped.  I was glad the officer was there to place herself in the line of traffic and I could safely remain on the corner.  A few days turned into a week and the police officer had other things to attend to.  So now it is just me, the kids and a whole lot of traffic.  I know at this point that you are probably wondering what all this has to do with foster care, as this blog is primarily about foster care and not the occupation of crossing guard.  Actually, this is going to be a comparison between the two, so here we go.

My crossing guard job has gotten pretty scary.  I am worried the cars won't see me and plow me down.  Parents in a hurry don't have a great track record for paying attention in my town.  I am worried the kids will step out too soon and a speeding car will create a tragedy.  I will say again that my road is a really busy road.  In order to get the cars to stop now, I hold up my sign before I step off the curb and then watch to make sure I have been seen.  Then I step into the road.  Once I am sure the cars will actually stop, I motion to the kids and crossing the street is successfully accomplished.   I think becoming a foster parents is a pretty scary thing.  It is filled with unknowns.  Will the child have extreme behavior problems?  Will the child like me or will I like them?  Is this good for the other children in my home.  I could go on and on with things that I have worried about prior to a foster placement.  I have read the horror stories in the newspaper.  I have read  blogs about fostering that curl my hair with fear.   Becoming a foster parent could be a car accident waiting to happen.

Now consider this, amazing things are happening at my corner now that the light is entering its third week of not working.  The school bus drivers are lending me a hand by slowing down as they approach my corner.  This is giving me the gap I need to slow the other cars down.  Then parents began communicating silently with me through looks and gestures from their cars and helping to slow traffic too.  I am astounded that the community is working together with me to keep things moving along.  Traffic is slower and people are taking their time to keep the kids safe.  This has happened to me in foster care too.  Grandparents lend a hand, social workers create a network of support, and the community bands together to help a child.  I still worry that I am not doing it right and wonder if the next kid will be the one that ends it all, but the job is comfortable.  The occupation of foster parent is something that I can do despite my thoughts of doom and gloom.  

I am such a pro now at my crossing guard job, stopping cars with confidence and using hand signals to motion the kids forward.  I believe that I can say the same thing about being a foster parent.  I feel like a professional parent and I have confidence in my ability to help children in need.  I am glad that I didn't let fear keep me from becoming a foster parent.  If you are considering fostering a child, my advice is to jump into the process and learn as much as you can.  People will help you along the way.  Don't let fear or worry pull you away from helping children in need.  Don't let the media horror stories stop you from making a difference in a child's life.  If you care about kids and have desire to help, the rest will take care of itself.

14,000 Foster Children in Michigan

There are about 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan right now.  14,000 kids!!!!  How many is that really?  The high school football stadium in my town appears to hold about 1000 people.  It would take 14 small town football fields to hold all the foster kids in Michigan.  If every child represented a day, 14,000 days is 38 years and 130 days.  Michigan 's foster care system is the 6th largest in the country according to a website called Data Center.  What a horrible number.  This number bothers me because I use it all the time in my job.  When I am talking to people about becoming foster parents I tell them there are 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan right now, this very minute.  There is a huge need for foster parents to help these children.

One very smart person said to me, "If you don't have enough foster homes where do these children go?"  That is an excellent question.  I know a lot of things about foster care but I had to do some research to answer this question accurately.  The first part of the answer is that when a child is removed from the home, every effort is made to find a family member willing to take care of the child.  Kinship fostering is an important aspect of what social services does.  If there is no available family (either nonexistent or unwilling), the case worker begins the search for a foster home.  The Department of Human Services (DHS) works with agencies all over Michigan to find available foster homes like Hands Across the Water.  Phone calls and emails go out daily describing children and their needs in search of an available foster home.  The age of the child determines ease of placement.  A baby will probably find a home quickly, but a 14 year old with siblings will be much more difficult to place.  Where does the 14 year old go?  It is the caseworkers job to find a spot for this child who is no longer a cute cuddly baby and probably has behavior issues of some kind.

The caseworker is the key to answering the original question.  It is his or her job to use every resource available to find a suitable home.  The more foster parents the State of Michigan has, the easier placement becomes.  Some people believe the answer lies in not removing children from their birth homes in the first place.  The latest idea is to target problem families and provide services and assistance to keep the family together.  It is a nice idea in theory but does not address the issue of a child's safety in the home.  Some people believe that the DHS is in the business of removing children for the smallest of reasons.  The reality is that these children are in danger.  Danger from physical abuse, danger from lack of food, and in danger from neglect.  I have yet to have a child enter my foster home who was not in immediate danger.  My youngest son, Dylan was removed from his birth home at three months old because his twin sister died of neglect.  His birth family was on food stamps, welfare, and medicare.  A home nurse came once a week to monitor the twins health issues.  She reported the family to Child Protective Services two weeks before the death of Dylan's sister.  It seems to me that every effort was made to keep this family together and a child paid the price.  When Dylan was placed in my home, he was hungry.  Not just hungry, he was starving.  No one was feeding the babies in the birth home.  One twin died, the other was saved in a foster home.  I believe the  foster care system can and does help children in need.  I believe in the abilities of caseworkers and their agencies to recruit new foster parents and find home for the 14,000 children in the State of Michigan.  In my opinion, it is not an option to not have enough foster homes for all the children in need.  A child's life is at stake and that is reason enough for me.

Kinship Foster Care

I read an article that touched my heart this morning about a grandmother raising her grandchildren.  She spoke of how much she loved her grandchildren but felt inwardly angry at the failure of her daughter to raise her own children.  The article does not list the reason that the daughter is unable to care for her children but the most common reason is some sort of substance abuse.  Kinship fostering occurs when a family member becomes the primary caregiver of another family member's children.  Grandma can become a licensed foster parent and foster her own grandchildren.  There are two interesting facts about kinship fostering.  First, the State of Michigan has more kinship foster parents than general foster parents.  Second, social workers always look to place an incoming foster child with a family member before for any other placements are considered. 

The social worker side of me could go on and on about statistics and kinship fostering, but today I am taking a good look at my own children and wondering.  My kids are not ready for marriage or producing children on purpose.  The mother inside of me hopes that they do all the steps in the right order that lead to a wonderful start for my future grandchildren.  I want them to start a career, fall in love, get married, and then present me with fabulous grandchildren.  I remind them of the proper order of events as often as I can.

However, life is messy and does not always follow the hoped for path.  My best friend became a grandmother a lot earlier than she expected.  Now she shares in the care of her precious grandson and worries about the future of her daughter.  A neighbor just down the street from me is raising her four grandchildren because their mother is "unable".   Another friend adopted her sisters three children when it became clear that the children needed a home.  These people and situations are all around us.  These people share many of the same challenges that other foster parents do, plus a few more.  Some have given up peaceful retirement plans to return to raising children.  I can only imagine the tangle of emotions that come with unexpectedly raising children again.  Resentment, anger, love, responsibility, grief, all play a part in this decision.  I admire these people and their willingness to put family first in their lives.

Kinship foster parents go through the same background checks and clearances that other foster parents do and receive financial help as part of the process.   Some families formally adopt their family member's children and some do not.  A very few go on to foster other children in the system.  Grandparents and other family members  who keep a family together are special people.  

Would I take in my sister children?  Could I raise my grandchildren if the situation arose?  I know in my heart that I would but I also know it would not be an easy road.  I would like to send out a cyber hug to those who choose family first and take this difficult road.  

I 

Neglected Children

Three weeks into the new school year and I finally feel like I have a grip on the schedule.  My body clock has finally adapted to school hours and I am no longer making lunches like a zombie.  Mornings in my house are pretty busy.  We have early morning scripture study for several teens attending high school.  My husband teaches the kids for 30 minutes and then drops them off at school.  Two of my kids are up and getting ready to go to work and I am in charge of the younger boys.  I wake them up, get them dressed and put them into the car to deliver the last teenager to his high school in Dundee.  It is a 30 minute round trip and by the time I am back at the house, the little boys are ready for breakfast and a mad dash to the bus.  After everyone gets where they are going, I head to the elementary school to my job as a crossing guard.  I am home by 9:15 and I soak up the quiet in the house.  It is still amazing how quiet the house is to me after everyone is gone.

My thoughts today are on the kids who cross my street every morning to get to the elementary school.  The weather has been wonderful and all the kids who live close by are riding their bikes or walking to school.  On Thursday last week, the scene was quite different as I performed my duties in the middle of a thunder storm.  Bad weather seems to draw the line between parents who are mindful of their children getting to school and those who either don't care or are to busy to pay attention.  Most kids that day got a ride to school because a thunderstorm is really not a safe event to walk to school in.

As a crossing guard, I see the same children every day.  I quickly get to know the groups that like to walk together and where they are coming from.  I get to see shiny new bikes and hand me down bikes.  Some kids are eating breakfast as they walk with a piece of toast in their hand.  It is really amazing the details that I can pick up about a child in the five minutes or so that they spend at my corner.  The point of this is that I have already picked out two children who are coming from an empty house.  They are in third grade and much to young to be getting themselves off to school on their own.  The girl proudly showed me her new cell phone that she uses to call her mom the minute she gets home from school.  The boy often wears the same outfit two days in a row with tennis shoes worn down to nothing from stopping his bike with them.  These children draw my attention because they both walked several blocks in driving rain with lightning flashing every minute or so.  I don't know their home situation but I know neglect when I see it and it makes me angry.  Nine year old children should not be getting themselves ready for school or returning home with no parents at home.

I make sure they are safe while they are on my street and I make sure they make it in the doors of the school.  For now that is all I can do.  What makes me more angry is that each year there are two more kids just like these two.  Teachers and people who work with children can see the difference between a well tended child and a neglected child pretty easily.  They stand out like a sore thumb.  Sometimes they are wearing dirty clothes or clothes that don't fit.  Sometimes they don't have a backpack or a lunch everyday.  Neglected children are everywhere.  When I tell people that there are over 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan right now, they are astounded.  It is really not so astonishing when I see the same type of children come through my corner every year.  I live in a really small town.  Imagine what a crossing guard in Detroit is seeing.  Michigan needs more foster homes to help these children and I am working hard to find people who are willing to help.  Will you help a child in need?  

Life Goes On

Life in my household has returned to normal.  Well, as normal as it can be in a household full of people.  Last week my house seemed very empty.  Everyone went somewhere.  Jason has been in New York all summer long with a friend,  Dad went up north with Michael and Nathan for a short time.  That left me, Dylan and Brynna the only ones left at home.  I had time time to grieve for Shelly and time to read a book just for me. Alone time is very hard to come by in my world and I savored every minute of it.

The peace and quiet dissolved pretty quickly as people began to return home.  All of a sudden, the dishes are multiplying at an alarming rate and the noise level has me concerned about the neighbors.  As of today, there are ten people milling around my house.  Most are family but others are friends my kids have spending the night.  Now there is no room to have quiet moment and oddly enough no room left to grieve for Shelly any longer.  She is still in my thoughts but without the pain.  Life has moved on because there is nothing more that I can do for her unless she wants my help.

It is funny how the mind and heart adjust to a new situation  that it thought would be unbearable.  All of a sudden it is bearable.  I would say that my family is now in the remembering stage of adjusting.  Shelly's name comes up often as the family gets used to the empty spot she used to fill.  Some of the family claims there is less mess in the bathroom (not really true, but if they want to imagine cleanliness, I will let them).  People are noticing that food is lasting a little longer with one less mouth to feed.  We are still finding items that belong to Shelly.  Some are practical memories, some are sad, and some are funny.  We are now talking about Shelly a lot.  I think it helps the younger ones adjust and the older ones to vent their frustrations.

School starts next week for almost everyone and life returns to normal.  Shelly has become a good memory. I hope we made a difference in her life during the year that she spent here.  I am sure that we will see her again in the future and that is comforting to me.  I think I am ready to change her status on my biography bar too.  That probably sounds silly but I wasn't able to do that last week without some tears involved.

If you are someone wondering if you could ever become a foster parent and deal with the loss of a child, then here is my advice to you.  It hurts, we grieve, and life goes on.  It is not an unbearable loss in the larger scenario of what a foster parent is trying to do for a foster child.  The potential for positive change in the life of child is so much larger compared to this small moment of loss that you should not let the fear stop you from fostering a child.  It is an amazing journey for everyone!

Keeping in Touch with Foster Kids

Process of letting go of one of my foster kids is still in progress in my household.  I decided that cleaning out Shelly's room would help me move forward in the process.  Shelly left pretty quickly.  She packed up her stuff in garbage bags because she refused the offer of boxes or a suitcase.  On the plus side, she left with four more bags that she arrived with, but I was still dismayed at her use of the garbage bags.  As a result the room was a mess of odds and ends that she either forgot or did not want.  So I pulled a large garbage can into the room and began sorting and pitching.  For awhile, my mind was stuck on the irony of her packing up garbage bags.  Foster kids often arrive with a garbage bag of stuff.  There have been successful programs that pass out backpacks or duffel bags to foster kids to try and change this issue, but it seems to be an ongoing problem.  The reason for the prevalence of garbage bags is because foster kids often are pulled out of their birth homes very quickly and under very uncomfortable circumstances.  The child or the social worker often has little time to fill a bag before leaving the home.  Foster parents hope a child will arrive with more than the clothes on their backs but this doesn't happen very often.  Shelly came to us with backpack and a garbage bag that included one pair of shoes, two pairs of jeans, and two shirts.  She didn't pack very much because she assumed her Dad would let her get her stuff as she needed it.  He refused to let her have anything more and I had to take her shopping many times to fix the problem.

Teenage girls are messy and leave a lot of stuff laying around.  Shelly's odds and ends seem to chronicle her stay with us.  There was an ipod case left on the floor.  We had bought her an ipod to listen to music because she had 90 minute bus ride to school every day.  The ipod was stolen somewhere down the line and I was left with the pieces.  There were four different bottles of hair spray that reminded me of how much Shelly liked to try out new products before finishing the old one up.  I found bags of chips and crackers unopened, but hidden away just in case.  Hiding food in the room is also a common trait shared by foster kids.  When they don't know where their next meal is coming from, collecting food takes on new meaning.  Taped on the wall was a picture painted by little brother, Nathan.  He likes to hang pictures in everyone's rooms.  I stopped and shed a few tears over that.  I have explained to the younger boys that Shelly has moved out and they seemed comfortable with the idea.  They really liked her and she was often their babysitter.  I am sad for the end of that relationship.

Shelly has moved out and does not seem to want further contact with our family.  When foster kids leave a foster home, they are usually returning to the birth family or onto another placement.  Sometimes the foster family is able to have continuing updates and contact on how the child is doing in the new home.  Sometimes the contact ends when the child leaves.  Both options are difficult.  In my case, I hope and worry for Shelly but receive few answers.   The complete lack of information is hard for me to take.  However, I remember that too much information on the next placement is also hard to take.  I have been down that road also.

As I continue to grieve quietly for my lost child, I find comfort in the thought that we gave her a really good year.  We showed her how a loving family lives and interacts with each other.  We gave her love and trust.  I gave her all that I had and hope she takes it with her and is successful in her life.   I taught her some valuable life skills that she didn't have when she got here.  In my opinion, these are the most valuable gifts that a foster family can share with a foster child.  People often say to me, what is the point of fostering if the child goes right back to the birth family and is back at the place they started from?  The point is that a foster family has the opportunity to break the cycle of abuse by teaching the foster child how to be a better and stronger person.  My family is now a part of Shelly's past and memories.  Those memories will help shape the person that she becomes.  That is the work that I dedicate myself too.

Letting Go

There is one subject that comes up more than any other when I am discussing foster care with people.  Potential foster parents want to know how they will be able to let go when it is time for the child to leave.  People say, "I could never foster a child because I would love them too much and would not be able to give them up."  Unfortunately, this heartbreak is built into the system.  Foster parents are asked to open their homes and their hearts.  A foster family builds bonds of love and trust because that is what the child needs to heal from the trauma they have experienced in their lives.  The family does this knowing that the child will eventually return to the birth family.  As with most things, this potential heartbreak is not easy to define.

I had to let go of one of my kids this week.  My emotions are a tangle ball of yarn as I begin the process of adjusting to a family member missing from my home.  Shelly has been with our family for 10  months.  My husband and I taught her to drive and helped her buy her first car.  I cheered her on in her school work and helped her work through her emotions over her birth family.  She became one of our own during those months.    Now she is gone and her room is empty.  Her car is not parked in front of my house.  There is this huge, gaping space where she supposed to be.  The grief of a mother is a real and tangible thing when I comes to fostering kids.

However, there is another side to this heartbreak that is very difficult to explain to people who have not fostered before.  I would like to try and explain so that other's can learn about the reality of taking in a stranger's child.  My relationship with Shelly was not all roses and smiles.  We had our difficult times too.  For most of the the 10 months that she lived with us, Shelly was glued to my side.  She wanted to go where ever I went and kept up a constant stream of chatter.  This is fine for a few days, but after weeks of Shelly time, I was begging my husband for some reprieve.  I spent a lot of my own personal money on the things that Shelly needed.  She came to us with one small bag of clothes and one pair of shoes.  She had no friends in our small town because she did not go to school here.  That meant that she had no friends nearby to connect with.  She was always here.  This changed as she got more comfortable but for the most part, Shelly was always in the house.  What I am nicely saying is that Shelly was emotionally and sometimes financially a source of  constant stress for me.  Now that she has moved out, I feel that burden of stress slowly lifting.  I woke up this morning and only my little boys were up and about.  The older kids had gone to work.  It was a wonderful feeling to feel comfortable again.

When I let go of a child who has been with me for a long time the feelings are always two sided.  Sadness and relief.  Stress and freedom.  Sometimes a foster family is glad to let a difficult child go, and that is a normal feeling.  Fostering kids causes us to reach deep inside ourselves and act outside of our comfort zone.  It is a relief when things return to the comfort zone.  It is part of the process to have good, bad, or ambivalent feelings about a child leaving.   When someone asks me how I handle the heartbreak of sending a child home, I tell them that I am sad and I am happy.  I will miss Shelly and I will cry over that loss.  However, I will also be happy that she is on a new path and I can have some privacy in my own home again.

Blowing Sunshine

My sister-in-law has the most wonderful saying called blowing sunshine.  This is her special way of reminding me that I am being far to positive or upbeat about something that is really not that cheerful at all.  This phrase jumped right to the front of my brain as I was chatting with another foster parent about my blog.  I tend to see most things in life in a very positive way.  I guess I am just built that way or it may be a defense mechanism to all the craziness going on around me.  I know that I tend to write in this manner also.  The reality of foster parenting is not nearly as sunny a topic as I often write it.  In my defense, I tend to write more about my experiences that have happened a few years ago.  Time has a way of softening the edges of painful memories.  Regardless of blowing sunshine or raging tornadoes, I would not trade my experiences for anything in the world.

I am just like anyone else in this world with problems and emotions that often get the better of me.  Being a foster parent is just plain hard, emotional work.  My emotions can change from day to day or hour to hour.  There are moments when I love my foster children so much my I get tears in my eyes when I look at them.  Five minutes later, I feel so frustrated I could scream and there is not a drop of love to be found.  Foster children bring the worst kinds of behavior with them from their past experiences and it takes time (and more time) to change their behavior in a positive way.  I spent 6 months with one particular child teaching them not to be a thief.  This child would go to school and take school supplies from other kids desks.  One time she "borrowed" a personal item from the teachers desk.  I was horrified and embarrassed the first time the teach called me.  I went through the steps with the child of apologizing, returning the item, and punishment.  She immediately stole another item the very next week.  There was another embarrassing chat with the teacher and another round of punishment.  This cycle repeated itself for six months.  I wondered if I was a bad parent.  I wondered if she was a bad kid that could not be fixed.  I felt like a complete and total failure as a foster parent.  I cried many tears of frustration and hopelessness.  Now here is the part where I can apply the blowing sunshine phrase.  After six months, she finally learned!!!  The teacher and I formed a close relationship and worked closely together to help this child.  I learned what advocating for a child truly meant. I learned that changing a child's behavior takes a long time.  I became a better parent and now I can write about it in a positive way without mentioning the dirty looks I received from other parents at school events   (that made me want to hide in my house and never come out).  That is blowing sunshine!

I think our foster kids need someone who can look past the horrible behavior and see the potential a child has inside.  Sometimes it is very, very hard to see, but I keep looking.  I can't helping looking because I have seen the positive results of a child who learns how to overcome their behavior.  The teenagers in my house have stretched my positive thinking to its outer limits.  If I judge them by their current behavior I may be raising the most lazy, greedy, and disrespectful kids on the planet.  Even their grandparents look at me strangely when I tell them how much progress a certain teenager in my family (who shall remain nameless) has made.  It seems hopeless, maybe it is.  It depends on what day you ask me.  My answer to all doubting relatives is that I am not going to give up on my kids.  I will keep working with them, hoping for the best, and  keep on blowing sunshine no matter what life throws at me.

Bonding is unpredictable

Professionals spend a lot of time teaching about bonding and attachment.  We try very hard to teach a road map of methods for foster parents to use.  I have attended many classes on the subject and I feel confident that I know what I am doing. I have practiced what I have learned on my foster, adopted, and even my birth kids.  However, nothing has prepared me for that moment when bonding it actually happens.

 The bonding trouble in my house is between siblings.  Brynna is my biological daughter and has been the only girl in the family for most of her life.  Any female foster kids have always been younger than Brynna.  She has always enjoyed mothering them with me.  This time around, Shelly has come to our family and she and Brynna are the same age (18).  This is called "twinning" and can produce some extra problems.  The fireworks began immediately.  Brynna has never had to share her girly things like her make up, nail  polish, and flat iron.  Shelly has never had the amount of girls stuff that Brynna has collected.  I have been working this problem for the beginning when Shelly arrived in October 2011.  Right away I took Shelly shopping to get her the things that she needed.  However, girls like to borrow each other's things.  Many battles later, we have formed some ground rules that involvee asking before you borrow and return what you use.  The ironic part of this crazy battle is that Brynna borrows Shelly's things as often as Shelly wants to use Brynna's things.  By Christmas the girls had formed a working relationship that I was not happy with.  They openly expressed disliked for each other and avoided each other at all costs.  Brynna was jealous of any time I spent with Shelly and accused me of replacing her with another daughter that I liked better.  I would grit my teeth and remind Brynna there is room enough in my heart for both daughters.  I dragged out every technique I had been taught.  I expressed my love for each girl.  I spend time separately with each girl.  I took them both out together to encourage a relationship.  I agonized over this problem, wondering if I had destroyed my biological daughter's emotional well-being for life by taking in a foster child.  As summer began, I truly gave up on these two girls forming a sisterly bond.  I learned to live with the animosity and just worked on keeping it from breaking out into open warfare. 

At this point I only have two choices.  I can keep trudging down this road where the entire family is affected by hatred these girls have for each other.  Or I can disrupt the placement and remove Shelly from our home.  This is a question that foster parents need to face sometimes.  There are times when preserving the family becomes more important than helping a foster child.  It is an awful decision to have to make.  In addition, Shelly has some very specific circumstances that most kids do not have.  I could not simply call my social worker and have a new foster family found for her.  However, potential foster parents need to know that when there is trouble of this kind, your workers should be kept informed.  The agency will work to provided services and support to work through these difficulties.  Then if the situation is still impossible, the child can be placed in another foster home. 

By the end of June I was still dragging my feet and trying to figure out what to do.  Shelly is not a legal foster child, she is just a teenager that I took in from an abusive situation.  My options are limited and I frankly don't know what to do.  I had planned a trip to Cedar Point as a birthday present for Jason who is turning 16.  He also wanted to leave Shelly at home and not include her in a family outing.  This is against my parenting rules and not allowed.  My solution was to allow each teenager to take a friend.  Then using the buddy system, I could turn them loose at Cedar Point.  It is a big place and I figured that they couldn't possibly continue the fight at the best amusement park around.  Silly me!  Jason and his buddy took off for the day and had a great time.  Thanks goodness.  Brynna and her friend made it until dinner time riding the rides together and seeming to have a good time.  After dinner, Brynna's friend took off without a cell phone refusing to hang out with Brynna any longer.  Cedar Point is a big place and I was in a panic wondering how I was going to find this girl with no cell phone.  Then Shelly's buddy pulled the same stunt.  She is gone into the acreage at Cedar Point with no cell phone.  Now here is the crazy unbelievable part of this plot.  Shelly and Brynna team up, united in their anger at their respective friends.  They set out to find them and drag them back to the car by the 10:00pm curfew I had set.  Several hours later, the two girls arrive back towing their misplaced friends and acting like the best buddies in the world.  Now, several weeks later, the girls go shopping together, share their stuff, and hang out together like they have always been the best of friends.  I am left shaking my head in bewilderment??  What happened??

My two daughters are now enjoying being sisters.  The hatred is completely gone.  I am going to take some credit for this miraculous change just because I persevered and kept trying new things.  However, the reality is that the stars just aligned in the proper line and things changed.  The best explanation I have is the old wives tales, "nobody can hate my sister except me."  Training to be a foster parent is very, very important.   You do not know what circumstances are going to unfold with each placement.  Learn as much as you can about a variety of subjects.  When you land in the middle of chaos, ask questions, ask for help, and do not give up.  Let your social worker and the agency help you.  Good things often come from chaos.  I am hoping that chaos will take a vacation from my home for awhile.  I have had more than enough!

Summer and my large family

My house has been crazy since school let out for the summer.  Every year, I am as bad as the kids and get all excited about summer vacation.  About one week into summer, after I have slept in for a few days and done a little extra cleaning, I look around and panic.  There are six children in my house who are starting to get bored.  My oldest is self occupying with a job and classes (I can check him off the list).  Then next child in line is Brynna.  She has graduated from cosmetology school and is looking for a job.  She is going to have lots of down time (I can see the battles ahead already!).  Shelly is next and all of her friends are in Monroe, which is 30 minutes away from my house and not an easy drop off place.  She is also looking for a job.  Jason has a friend on every corner in our small town and frequently brings home a friend or two (that just adds to the number of kids in my house on any given day).  Nathan and Dylan are still young enough to need planned play dates and entertaining on a regular basis.  Summer is shaping up to be busier than the school year, I think.  The second week of summer begins with me cursing the dishwasher because the kids are using enough dishes to run it twice a day.  They are eating food at a rapid rate and the swimming pool towels are every where!  The Grandmother's (my mother, my step-mother, and my mother-in-law) all recommend putting those children to work.   This is a fine idea but all of them have forgotten the amount of organization and motivational tactics required to engage six children in summer chores.  However, I am feeling strong at the beginning of the summer so the charts go up and the nagging begins.  Bartering, treats and bribes are all high on my list of motivational tactics.  Pretty soon things are shaping up nicely around here.  I hope I can remain strong and consistent the whole summer.  My husband knows me better than that and reminds me that my pretty charts are usually under the refrigerator by August.  I just ignore him for now.
The middle of June seems to bring in the buddies and neighborhood friends.  Imagine this for a minute.  Each child in the family brings home a friend for dinner or to spend the night.  That would amount to twelve children in my house for the evening.  It looks something like this.  Michael has two buddies over to work on a car in the garage.  It looks like they are doing more socializing than mechanical work.  Brynna is coloring her best friend's hair in the bathroom.  I hope her mother doesn't mind but I don't have time to call and check.  Shelly is watching a movie in the family room with her friend and it looks like it is not a family film as usual.  Shelly likes the scary movies, which are far to scary for the little boys to watch.  Speaking of the boys, they are in the pool with two friends from down the street.  Jason has two friends playing xbox in his room.  The tally count at 4:00 pm on a Friday afternoon is......fourteen kids hanging at my house!  I quickly do a mental count of weeks left until school starts.  Since that is too far off, the next best thing is a vacation.
Vacation is the best way I know of to get rid of all the extra kids hanging out at my house.  Except it does not work out as well as it used to.  My older kids do not want to go on vacation with Mom and Dad anymore,  They have decided we are boring.  I am not bothered by this at all and continue planning a vacation.  At this point I have decided that what I really need is a vacation from the children (and the dishes) and I will be glad to leave a large number of them behind.  My husband packs up the car, I load the two little boys in the back and leave a detailed list of instructions on the refrigerator, that could be shortened up to "Don't forget to feed the dogs!" and we head up north for a vacation as a family of four.  Traveling with just four people seems almost a luxury of relaxation.  Sitting on the beach reminds me that Summer really is the best time of year after all, until I get home and it starts all over again.  I think I am going to need another vacation around the first of August.  Large families are not for the faint of heart. 
 

Birth Kids vs Foster Kids

Fostering children is a common way to build a family.  Many couples have one or two biological children but experience secondary infertility.  That lovely phrase means that for some reason, sometimes unexplainable, a couple is unable to become pregnant even though they have already had a child.  This is what happened to me.  I gave birth to three children and all I wanted was one more, but for whatever reason it never happened.  I did try several fertillity treatments but stopped when it became obvious that this path was going nowhere.  I wanted to foster and I wanted to adopt.  So I did and I am content and happy with my choices and so is my husband.  But are my birth kids as happy as I am?

If a stranger was looking in my front window, he would see siblings playing together, or fighting, or tattling on each other.  He would see normal family interactions and probably would not question what he sees until someone whispers, "the little ones are adopted!"  All of a sudden, there is an elephant in the room.  Do the older children resent the younger adopted kids?  Then the stranger finds out there is a foster child in there too.  Oh my!  Do the older kids hate sharing their house and their parents with a foster child?  It sounds absolutely ridiculous when I describe it that way.  However, I have had people ask me these questions.  Sometimes the questions come from extended family members and sometimes from strangers.  People who are considering fostering often ask these kinds of questions.

For everyone involved (except the nosy stranger) these are important questions to consider.   Bringing a foster child into your home changes your whole family dynamic and if you address these questions ahead of time you will be better prepared for some trouble spots ahead.  The first piece of advice that I share with people is that this is just like having a baby.  The family changes and stretches to accomadate this new small person.  In fostering, the child may be 12 years old but the family still grows and changes to fit the new dynamic.  My oldest son was 4 years old when his brother was born.  Michael thought that this new brother was the best thing in the whole world.  Until I brought him home from the hospital and I was too busy feeding the baby to read him a story.  The excitement was immediately gone and the power struggle began for mom's attention.  That power struggle still pops up once in awhile even though Michael is 20 and Jason is 16!  The story repeats itself when I fostered a four year old boy.  My daughter thought he was fabulous to play with and enjoyed taking care of him until one of his visits with his birth parents happened during one of her softball games.  Dad was able to attend the softball game while I took the little guy to the visit.  But jealousy reared its ugly head and Brynna was pretty mad for awhile.   The moral of the story is that no child really wants to share their parents with a sibling or a foster child.  Kids just aren't built that way.  It is part of life's lessons to learn to share and grow up with a sibling.  It does not matter how the sibling arrives from my point of view.

The new child, of any age, will be loved and will be hated at some point in the journey.  Just as new parents prepare a child for the birth of a sibling, so should they prepare the biological kids for a new placement.  Let the kids participate in the process.  Ask them if they would like a baby or an older child to play with.  Ask them if they are comfortable sharing a room.  Let them have possessions that do not have to be shared to help them maintain their own identity.  You may not be able to meet all of their requests but allowing your child to talk about things they like and things they don't like helps them feel important and part of the process.      If a biological child is having a hard time adjusting to a new placement, spend some alone time with the child and allow them to talk about their frustrations.  Remind them how much you love them and explain that your love will never change.  Many problems can be solved with a simple reminder of love.  Most importantly, keep yourself strong by reminding yourself that you would not send a newborn baby back to the hospital if big brother didn't like him.  


By building my family through foster care, I have chosen a unique path that many people don't understand.  The path I have chosen is different from from giving birth to biological children, but I know many of the potholes are the same.  I also know that my biological children are more compassionate and more loving because of their journey down this path with me.        

Attachment Issues

A lot of educational classes are offered on the topic of attachment for potential adoptive parents.  This topic can fill several hours of training all on its own.  I remember wondering if attachment was going to be a problem for our family when we finally received our placement.  The topic was so worrisome that I remember thinking that I would just have to cross that bridge when I came to it.  I never received that hoped for placement and soon entered the world of foster care where the word attachment has a completely different meaning.
Many people have said to me that they could never do foster care because they are afraid they will grow so attached to the child that it would be heartbreaking to let them go.  I understand this statement completely and I struggle for a good answer to this conundrum.  A foster parent's job is to welcome a child with open arms, make them a part of the family, love them like our own, and then let them go.  When I became a foster parent, my intention was to adopt the child, so I brushed under the rug idea of letting go.  (Hmmm, I am beginning to see a pattern here.)
Before I share my story, I think it is important to point out the importance of attachment from a foster child's point of view.  Many foster kids have never been shown unconditional love or formed a bond of trust with their birth parents.  They have a desperate need to be loved and to trust an adult but they do not know how to create this bond.  Studies have shown that if children do not learn to love and trust someone in childhood, that they may not be able to form attachments as an adult. The results are heartbreaking as these adults often become unable to function in society with mental health issues and many instances of criminal behavior.  Teaching a child how to love and trust is a critical part of a foster parent's job.  Keeping ourselves closed off and separate from our foster kids is truly not an option.  I found it impossible anyway to shut down my mothering instinct.  I was just unable to not respond with love towards a child who needed it so much.
I talk about Diamond a lot in my blog because she is my heartbreak child.  She came to our family at 8 years old and stayed 11 months.  I poured my soul into her and then sent her back to her mother.  Her mother was a recovering alcoholic who worked very hard to fight her addiction.  She earned the right to have her child come home by following her treatment plan and meeting all the goals set by the social worker.  Alcoholism is a lifetime addiction and I knew the risks of Diamond returning home.  The potential risks for Diamond kept me awake at night and I remember holding my hands tightly behind my back when she left my house to keep myself from pulling her back home as she walked away.  Within a month, Diamond and her mother moved to another state and I lost contact with her.  I heard through the grapevine, that Diamond had entered foster care again several years later.  My heart broke all over again that she was in another state and I was unable to help her.  Diamond will be 16 on June 25 and I hope that she has found a home and a family with all my heart. 
Enough of the heartbreak and on to the practical side of things.  When Diamond left my house, I loved her and she loved me.  I taught her not to steal things that she wanted and I taught her how to trust that I would always have food to eat in the house.  She learned how to get along with siblings and treat animals with love.  She learned to swim and I learned how to do her hair (she was biracial and had the most challenging hair I have ever worked with!).  As I look back now, the rewards for her and I far outweighed the heartbreak.  I made a difference in her life and she made a difference in mine. 
Here is my answer to people who say they are unable to face the heartbreak.  When you open your heart to a child in the foster care system, you can change a child's life.  You can show them the power of love and trust.  You can help the child become a true human being.  I hope that I get to see Diamond again and give her one more hug to remind her of the power of love.  I will never forget her love.

Tell Your Story!

I love to talk about adoption and foster care.  I will talk about it with anyone who is interested enough to listen.  Why?  Because adoption is the stuff of miracles and foster care is the path that led to the adoptions of my two little boys.  I have proof that I am willing to talk to anyone now because a  reporter for Heritage News starting asking me questions that resulted in a wonderful newspaper article on our family that was published this week.  Here is the link if you are interested: 
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.heritage.com%2Farticles%2F2012%2F06%2F02%2Fmilan_news_leader%2Fnews%2Fdoc4fca34c8e3ca9712585342.txt%3Fviewmode%3Ddefault&h=NAQElvoavAQHGtRC3QgnRx7-UqnlYfY212RclMN7pbPbyEw.

The result of having my family's story splashed across a newspaper was that a LOT of people saw it.  Then my friends picked it up on facebook, then it went to their friends and so on.  I am hoping that my neighbors down the street read it because then they may finally understand the large number of cars in my driveway!  There are three teenagers driving in my household and one more in training.  That translates to five cars coming and going all day at my house.  I am sure people must wonder what is really going on at this end of the street.

During my week of popularity, I had the strangest experience.  I attended a picnic/field trip event that was held by my 7 year old son's teacher for all the children in her class.  The kids played games and had lunch.   Parents helped out and visited with each other.  I was deep in conversation with another lady that I had worked with before, when I noticed a Dad patiently waiting to talk to me.  I had no idea who he was but he seemed to know me.  He said that I looked familiar, which happens to me a lot.  I am the crossing guard at the elementary school in my small town.  A lot of people see me every day and then can't put their finger on where they have seen me before.  I explained and then he immediately began to tell me about his experience adopting his daughter from Russia.  I swear, I did not say one word about foster care or adoption to prompt this story.  His story had some fascinating details about traveling to Russia three different times and agonizing over the medical issues his child had been diagnosed with.  I can barely imagine sitting in a foreign country listening to someone tell me that the child I already loved had a heart defect and hepatitis C.  He and his wife went through a long night deciding whether to accept or decline the adoption.  They decided to go ahead with the adoption and brought the child home.  Doctor's at the University of Michigan examined her and found no trace of a heart defect or hepatitis C.  What a story!  What a miracle!

Our conversation ended very quickly after when the kids came to pull us away.  I was left wondering what prompted this man to share such a personal story with me?   I am very glad that he did because I had a moment to explain that my son was adopted also.  Later, I asked my son if he was friends with this little girl and pointed out that she had been adopted too.  He thought that was very cool and connected with her the next day.  Everyone in the adoption/foster care world has a story of tangled events that result in a miracle.  I hope that everyone shares their story, when they can, to raise awareness and to educate others about this special journey. 

Foster Parent Respite Day a Success!

I wrote this article to submit to a newspaper but I thought my blog readers might be interested also.  As a side note, I have found that reporters are very interested in helping agencies to spread the word about foster care.  If you have an event or a foster care experience to share, a newspaper is a great place to educate people in a positive way about foster care. 

May is a special month for foster children and foster families in Michigan.  National Foster Care Month is a time for private agencies and the Department of Human Services to connect and raise awareness of the approximately 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan.  On Saturday, May 19^th at Grace Fellowship Church in Ypsilanti, the fellowship hall rang with the laughter of 24 of Washtenaw County’s foster children.    The event is called Foster Parent Respite Day and organizers hope it will become annual event.  Foster parents were able to drop off the children in their care for three hours and enjoy a day off from their daily work load.  Volunteers set up activity stations for the children to enjoy that included face painting, arts and crafts, and outdoor activities.  At each station, children could earn a sticker to be exchanged for a prize at the end of the day.  The afternoon began with pizza, chips and fruit, followed by station activities.  The WII station with dancing and Mario Brother’s games was one of the most popular areas to play at.  Children’s ages ranged from 0-14 years old.  Activities seemed to appeal to all ages, especially the large kickball game going on outside.  The special day neared its end as the kickball players came in for an ice cream sandwich and a last trip to any station they might have missed. 

This amazing event was created by Washtenaw Department of Human Services and Hands Across the water.  Four additional agencies sent helpers to create a successful day, including:    Fostering Futures, Catholic Social Services, Lutheran Social Services and Orchard Children Services.  These agencies often work together as a Coalition to address the needs of foster parents.   Another function of the Washtenaw Coalition is educating people interested in becoming foster parents.  Currently, Michigan is facing a severe shortage of foster parents.  If you are interested in helping Michigan’s children by becoming a foster family, please contact Kristen at kristen@hatw.org.

Freebies for Foster Kids

A few months ago, I was asked to be on a panel and share my experiences as a foster parent at a Faith Coalition meeting.  I enjoyed the experience of sharing and listening to the other foster parents share their stories.  A question and answer session followed and the discussion soon centered on the financial challenges of foster families.  My experience has been with younger children and I have found many resources to help me with clothing and toys.  Second hand clothing stores are easy to find for young children.  Garage sales are great places to look for cheap toys and strollers.  People at my church have been very generous with hand-me-down items or helping me search for a specific need.  When an audience member asked a question about obtaining things for a foster child, I quickly answered that help and resources are pretty easy to come by.  The rest of the panel disagreed and sent me some downright dirty looks about the issue.  For the rest of the meeting, I sat and wondered if I am just an optimistic person wearing rose colored glasses or just naive about finances.  Fundraising and volunteering are a part of my job as a social worker and I am pretty comfortable in the role.  Since my panel event, I have tried to figure out how I can fill this need for foster parents.  My philosophy is that foster families are opening their home and their hearts to a stranger and deserve as much financial and emotional support as we can provide them.  Hands Across the Water shares my philosophy.  Our office has items just waiting to be used.  A crib, infant car seats, and diapers are just a few of the items that are there for the asking.  I also often hear about various types of events for foster kids that are free through emails that I receive.  I have been surprised by the creativity of people offering programs for our kids.  Some of the latest things I have discovered are free sport camps in Washtenaw county and free college tuition (that is a big one!), and various picnics.  Christmas time is a huge time for foster children freebies too.  Agencies and the Department of Human services want to help foster kids in anyway that they can.  So do not be afraid to ask what services are available if you have a foster child in your home.  I am a cup half full kind of girl and I am willing to ask for anything for my kids. I offer the same advice to you.  If you would like to put your foster child in a recreational activity, inquire about scholarships.  If you need clothing, let your pastor or minister know that you have a need.  If you are just looking for fun things to do in the summer time, search the Internet and contact the place you want to go.  I have found that businesses rarely turn down a child in need.  Saying the words "foster child" is a big door opener.  Do not worry about rejection.  Most places have a policy in place for donating services and will be happy to explain it to you.  If you are not comfortable asking (and I a know that many people aren't), ask your agency or social worker to do it for you.  We are here to help and we often have connections or relationships with people willing to help out.  If I were on that panel today my answer would still be the same.  The services and funding are out there for foster kids if we keep our eyes open and spread the word about what we need.  Please email me if any of the services I mentioned above are of interest to you.  I would be glad to forward the information to you.

Stay-At-Home Mom

I have a mental image of myself as a stay-at-home mom.  It is a false impression of myself because I have not been a mom with no job outside of the home for many years. However, I cannot shake the inner conviction that this is what I am.  The problem started when I became a crossing guard for the elementary school close to my home.  My kids would walk down to the corner with me and play awhile and then continue onto school when it was time.  When the foster kids came, the same thing happened.  I brought babies to the corner in car seats and did my job while they napped or had a bottle.  Now that my kids are high school age, they drive up in their cars and hang at the corner with me.  It never seemed like a real job because I am home 95% of the day.  I still have my crossing guard job and now I am also a social worker working ten to fifteen hours each week.  With two jobs, I think it is safe to say that I am truly not a stay-at-home mom anymore.  However, I made an appointment for a delivery yesterday and casually said, "anytime in the afternoon is fine.  I am a stay-at-home mom."  What????  Why did that come out of my mouth?  Of course the delivery guy could care less what my occupation really is but my mental wheels started to spin.  What am I, really?  I started to make a list of what I am (this is a nice exercise in identity exploration, by the way).  My biography reads accurately with foster mom, adoptive mom, and biological mom to start the list.  I am also a volunteer, crossing guard and a social worker.  Just to make the list longer I added daughter and sister.  I see a lot of "moms" on the list but not stay-at-home mom.  Yet this is how I think of myself for some strange reason.  My identity crisis has now begun to really bother me. 

I love being a mother.  It was all I wanted to be when I was growing up.  People would say, "that is not a job, what do you really want to be?"  So I decided that being a teacher was probably a safer answer.  I did that occupation for awhile and quickly learned that controlling 25 kids was not something I was good at.  Plus it did not feel like mothering to me.  When my three biological children arrived I was in heaven.  I wallowed in motherhood until my baby went off to first grade and I was stuck cleaning the house over and over again.  That got old really fast.  I tried volunteering and ended up running a nonprofit Little League in my town.  That took up a lot of time and I was pretty good at it, but it wasn't mothering.  More biological children was not an option because of fertility issues.  My husband felt adoption would be okay but not fostering!  He was very sure that becoming a foster parent was not something he was willing to do.  I was content to try adoption.  Well.....that did not work out quite the way I thought it would and soon I was talking him into becoming a foster parent.  First I coerced him to attend an orientation.  It was no big deal and no commitment necessary.  I am pretty sure that he went just to make me happy.  I followed that with a training class and pretty soon he was reluctantly willing to give fostering a try.  I found the perfect way to continue my career as a mother with the arrival of my first foster child. 

So here is the answer to my identity crisis.  I am a mother and I will always be a mother.  Everything else is secondary to my primary occupation of motherhood.  I found the answer to my question by accident this week.  A reporter interviewed me and my family about what it is like to be a foster family.  She asked a lot of great questions but one stuck with me.  What do you find the most surprising about foster parenting?  My answer came very quickly.  I am always surprised by the strength and intensity of the bond that  forms between me and my foster child.  It is a mother/child connection that can be as strong as my feelings for my biological child.  It is a complicated bond that is made up of trust, love, caring, and feelings of protection.  All these things put together form the definition of motherhood for me. My heart is aways at home caring for my children even when I am in a meeting or holding up my sign in the middle of the road.  I am grateful that my husband loves me enough to participate in my occupation.  I am sure that his identity is not as intensely linked to parenting as mine is. 

For those of you who are wondering, that bond does not break when the child leaves my home.  I carry those children in my heart too and I hope to see them again someday.  When I attended the opening of the Heart Gallery, a foster mom at the next table was very excited to see a past foster child of hers.  She said, "He is one of mine!"  as she dashed off to give him a hug and visit with his new family. I have many children that I call mine too.  I am a stay-at-home mom because that is where my heart will always be.  I think next time, I will take a little more pride when I announce that I am a stay-at-home mom to the delivery guy!