Nobody is Perfect

I have been learning to juggle lately is ways that I never have before.   As a mom to five children and a few extra, juggling is second nature to me.  I thought that I had the process down to a science.  I know how to mix volunteering at school, working at my church, managing family events and how to handle Christmas.  It hasn't always been pretty but I have think I have managed pretty well.  However, today all my balls in the air came tumbling down and hit me in the head.  I really should have seen it coming because I know that I have been stretching my skills to their limit lately.  The big change for me has been in my career.  In November, I started working at the office instead of working out my home and increased my hours.  I thought it was going to be no big deal.  After all, I was already doing the "job" from my home.   I warned my husband that it was going to take me about a month to manage this new change in my life and I apologized ahead of time for the grumpiness that I knew he was going to live with for awhile.  He is a good guy and is up for the challenge.   Up until today, the worst casualty was Christmas shopping.  I am going to shamefully admit that I started my shopping on December 17, a measly 8 days before Christmas.  With 20 people to buy for in 8 days it is safe to say that my stress level has been on the rise for the last week or so.  So before I share the perfect storm of events that hit me today, I want to share some of the thoughts that have been cooking in my brain lately.

                So yesterday, I dragged my husband to the store and began the Christmas shopping because I knew that I really could not put it off any longer.  After spending way too much money, I put the kids to bed and collapsed on the couch to watch on of my favorite shows, The Little Couple.  The Learning Channel is showing reruns of the episodes where this couple is adopting a child from China and I am really enjoying their story.  This couple is adopting a special needs child who is little, just like themselves, and every where they went in China there are crowds of people staring at them in the background.  The thought flashed through my head that just because they have experience with this child's upcoming physical challenges, does not mean this will be an easy road to travel.     That is thought number one.

                The second thought came from my 8 year old son.  He was fighting with his brother and called him a stupid head.  This is pretty normal stuff for my house and I used one of my standard lines on him.  I said, "He is your brother with the same blood and the same brain, if you call him stupid, you are just calling yourself stupid too."  This usually works and the name calling stops.  However, he looked right at me and said, "No it doesn't.  I am adopted and I have different blood."  I did not know what to say to that one so I just turned and walked away!  I mentioned to my husband that Nathan seems to becoming more aware of his adoption roots and we should probably pay a little attention to that subject with him.  I didn't give this another thought until this morning when the ball were bouncing off my head.

                The third thought was courtesy of my teenage son with the substance abuse issues.  I am sure you remember him.  He came home last night in such a drugged stupor that he couldn't put two words together or walk in a straight line.  Upon witnessing this behavior, several panic buttons went off.  He drove home like this (holy cow!!!!!!!!!).  Is he going to fall asleep and not wake up??!!!!!!!!!!  Here is new one that was planted in my brain by his counselor this week, is he having suicidal thoughts that he might act on?  Needless to say, I did not get a lot of sleep that night and my thoughts went a little crazy.  The third thought was a doozy and went something like this.  I am tired and frustrated with this child and I don't know what to do anymore.  I wished I could ship him back to where he came from.  Unfortunately, Jason is my biological child and return postage on him is impossible.  I didn't really mean it anyway but combined with my thoughts above, I hit a nerve within myself. 

                At Nathan's adoption ceremony in the judges chamber, I remember the judge asking me and my husband if we would care for this child in sickness and health and support him financially for the rest of his life.  It was almost the same language as traditional wedding ceremony and it was very touching to me.   It was that moment when a new parent realizes that they are completely responsible for this small person.  It happened to me with my firstborn son too when I realized that the nurse wasn't coming back to change his diaper.  That was my job and he was my responsibility.  Whether a parent is having this epiphany in the judge's chambers or in the hospital with a newborn, the feeling is the same.  I am signing up for all the wonderfulness of raising a child and all the awfulness of raising a child.  I am committed to loving this child when he plugs in an iron and melts a perfect triangle into the living room carpet.  I am committed to receiving every last hug that he will give me until he grows up and gets embarrassed hugging his mother.  I am committed to paying his bail and fishing him out of jail if he is picked up by the police.  I am committed to watching  him marry the girl of his choice someday.    I am promising to take the good with the bad, no matter what method my child arrived by.   

                This morning I was dashing around making multiple lunches and packing backpacks when I realized that the stuffing mix I had bought to send to school for a holiday party had been opened and half eaten the day before by an annoying teenager.  I realized that another annoying  teenager had parked his car behind mine and his car keys are nowhere to be found.  Jason is still laying on the couch in a drugged stupor and another child just  missed the bus.  I knew at that point that I was going to be late for my crossing guard job and I would have to be late for my office job to drop off the child who missed the bus.  Sitting in line at the school a half an hour later, I realized that if that judge had told me about a morning like this, I would never have believed him, but I would have still signed my name on that paper.  There are no guarantees that the child who arrives in your arms will be perfect or that no bad thing will happen in the future.  Parenting is the most amazing, rewarding, craziest and dirty job that I can think of in life.  Potential foster and adoptive parents have the added burden of choosing this occupation on purpose.  Some birth parents do too but not all of them.  Is the choice too scary?  Sometimes it is and people choose not be parents.  I think that foster and adoptive parents have to be more fearless than others because often a child's flaws are laid out in black and white on paper as the parent decides if this child is a good match.  It is an almost incomprehensible choice to me.  If the nurse had handed me a piece of paper listing the troubles that Jason would experience in his life, I may have run in the other direction!  My advice to parents who are thinking about fostering or adopting a child is to remember that the snapshot that you see of my difficult son is just how the picture looks today.  He has so much potential as a human being that I cannot give up on him.  The positive things in his future are worth the fight.  Jason wants to be a chef.  I can picture him with children and a wife.  He will make an amazing husband and father some day.  Nathan may want to find his birth parents someday and I am prepared to help him do that.  They are a part of who he is.  Parenthood is a journey with towering highs and unbearable lows.  I am not a perfect parent and my kids are not perfect kids, but together we are a family.  I recommend the journey of parenthood to anyone who is brave enough to try.  Tomorrow morning I am going to have an umbrella handy just in case my juggling fails again.  

                

Home Inspection for a Foster Care License

Before I launch into my monthly thoughts about foster care and the latest topic of home inspections, I want to share a quick update on my son Jason.  I am happy to report that he is doing very well.   He has been meeting with his probation officer as required and has made progress on arranging community service for himself.   The best part of probation requirements for me are the monthly drug tests.   He is required to be tested each time he visits with his probation officer.  This removes the responsibility from my shoulders and also assures me that he is drug free.   At least for now.  To his credit, he is proud of his clean drug tests.  For other parents navigating the world of probation, the probation office does not report on his progress to me unless I call and ask.  This fact makes me a little crazy as a mother because my son is still a minor.  Apparently the age of 17 is a shady zone where teachers still report on his progress and he can drive a car but he can be arrested and jailed without the knowledge of his parents.  This really bugs me because he is either a minor or he isn't and I want to know what is going on at all times!  I am truly happy with his progress but I also have not let go of my doubts about his future.  He has been through probation as a juvenile offender and did well then too.  It did not stop him from using drugs after probation was finished back then and I am worried that he will go right back to old habits as he did before.  I have set up some counseling for him and I am hoping that it will make a difference in the long run.  One of the hardest lessons that I have learned from parenting teenagers is that they progress in baby steps and often take a few steps back before moving forward.  I am just going to remain in a holding pattern for awhile and enjoy my drug free son for now.

 

This week's topic is about home inspections that are done by a worker as part of the licensing process to become a foster parent.  I remember when mine was done because it was very stressful.   I remember cleaning the house from top to bottom, including the closets.  At that time, I had three children between the ages of 10 and 6 years old and 2 dogs.  Keeping a clean house with that many children and animals was a significant challenge.  When I say "clean house" I am not just talking about picked up rooms and a clean kitchen with no dirty pans in the sink.  I am referring to the kind of clean that only happens when I am selling my house.   This includes, no clutter, shiny floors, no stains on the carpet and neat closets.  I will freely admit that this level of clean in my house does not happen on a daily basis.  It was very stressful for me and I know it is stressful for others as well.

The home visit is usually done right at the beginning of the process.  It is an opportunity for the social worker to get to know the family and get some paperwork done at the same time.  I will call and schedule about a 2 hour visit to complete the entire inspection.  I am always careful to let the family know that I will want to see the entire home and take some measurements.  I also will want to measure the temperature of the water to ensure that the water heater is set appropriately.  I believe in giving fair warning to give the family time to prepare but some workers may not.  I recommend that a new foster family ask what each visit will involve so that there are no surprises.

In Michigan (rules may vary by state) all potential foster families receive a rule book called, "Licensing Rules For Foster Family Homes and Foster Family Group Homes for Children."  This book contains a complete list of all rules and regulations that a foster home must meet before the licensing process is complete.  It is green if you want to pick it out quickly from the stack of paperwork you probably already have.  The four page check list carried by the social worker is entirely based upon these rules.   And now we have reached the place where the social worker in me crashes head first into the foster parent I used to be.   The foster parent me can't believe that some of these rules actually had to be written down, while the social worker  in me is worried that someone may actually break these rules and harm a child.  Most of these rules are common sense issues.  The home has to be up to building code standards to be a foster home.  You will need hot and cold running water and a reliable sewer system to be a foster family.  Believe it or not, some people don't always have these things.  Smoke detectors and a carbon monoxide detector are also required.  These things make perfect sense to me.  What doesn't make sense is the list of places that do not qualify as a bedroom.  The list includes:  the hallway, a closet, a stairway (on top of or under like Harry Potter!) a garage, or a shed.  Who would use a shed as a bedroom in this world?  Apparently someone did because now there is a rule in the rule book for it. 

What is the social worker really looking for during the home inspection?  We are looking for a safe and healthy environment for a child.  I know that my families are going to clean and stress over the visit but they do not need to go overboard to scrub and organize every inch.   I do not need to look in your closets (unless there is suspicious smell coming from there) and I will not disqualify you for spider webs in the corner or the stain on the carpet that is permanent.  You made need to finish up the bathroom that you have been remodeling for a long time or complete the half finished deck outside.   A worker will make these recommendations as part of the home tour to help you understand the rules and not to pass judgment on your personal living space.  Licensing workers have seen been to a lot of homes as part of their jobs.  It is safe to say that we have seen some crazy things.  The odds are good that your home is not going to stand out as one of the crazy ones if you truly care about helping a child.  The reality of foster care is that your home will become an open book as part of the process.  Licensing workers are only the start of the parade of people who will visit your home.  A case worker will come once a month, the child's lawyer will visit before each court date and many service providers will use your home as a meeting place.  Don't let this scare you away from the process.  Social workers and lawyers have homes with flaws too.  My most embarrassing moment happened when my foster son's lawyer came for a visit.  I picked up and ran the vacuum to make my family room presentable for company and went to answer the door.  By the time I had answered the door and he had removed his shoes, my dog had thrown up on the carpet, right in front of the chair that I would have put him in!  He was a good sport as I quickly cleaned it up and moved him into the kitchen, that I had not prepared for company.   Thank goodness he didn't mind when I had to move the breakfast dishes from the table that I had left in order to clean up the family room for him and he even held the baby through the entire incident. I didn't die of embarrassment as I thought that I might but I did learn to prepare both the family room and the kitchen for a visit, just in case!

I know that there are people out there who always have a neat and clean home that is ready for company at a moment's notice.  My mother is proudly one of those people and I admire her for it.  I proudly admit that I am not one of those people (and my mother knows this about me too!).    I have too many children and pets to even dream of staying ahead of the mess created by day to day living.  However, my home is a safe, mostly clean, loving environment to raise children in and that is what a child coming into foster care really needs.   So try and let go of some of that stress that is rolling around inside you at the thought of a stranger looking at your home.  As I have said before, there are not enough foster parents in the State of Michigan to take care of all the children in need of homes.  You do not have to be perfect or have the perfect home to be a foster parent.   We will accept you as you are!

Honesty Comes with a Price Tag

My readers often leave comments that show their appreciation for my honesty.  I love those comment because they encourage me to continue writing and it is a great feeling to know that I can help others with this crazy life of mine.  However, I often sit in front of my computer and wonder how I am going to share my latest thoughts without sharing more than I really intend to.  For instance, I am pretty sure that most of my co-workers, personal friends, and my church family are regular readers.   As I was writing my last post, Motherhood is Complicated, I really thought hard about writing about my son and his current challenges.  Did I really want to announce  that my child had been arrested and I was in agony over his choices to everyone?    Not really!  I chose to be more subtle than a direct statement by the time the post was complete.  However, I have had a change of heart since I wrote that last post.   One of the perks of reading the blog of a stranger is getting to peek in someone else's window.   For me as a reader, it is about connecting with someone who may be going through the same things that I am and learning from their experiences.   So I have decided that as a writer I would like to be as honest as I can be to help others who want to become foster parents.

So now I am going to serve up some real honesty about my son and his situation even if it gets a little embarrassing to do so.   Jason is 17 years old and a very friendly guy.  He loves people and he has many friends.  His teacher's love having him in class, even though he is an under achieving student (that translates to borderline failing sometimes).  He gives me a hug everyday just because he wants too.  For this mother, he has been a joy to raise until he became a teenager.  Jason's biggest flaw is that he bows to peer pressure far too easily.   I believe following his friends into the world of cigarettes, then marijuana, and now maybe some prescription pills was his downfall.  I am not saying that Jason is not at fault for the decisions that he has made but I do believe that it started because he just didn't say no.  It can be very humiliating to share the details of Jason's struggle because I spend plenty of time wondering what I did wrong and judging myself as a parent.  I am just too raw and wounded to take words about the situation from anyone else.  As a parent, I am always working on Jason's problems.  He has many problems in school and it is an on-going project to keep him in high school with passing grades.  This year he started his senior year at the third high school of his academic career.  I am sure I will post in the future about helping a troubled child to become a success in school.   Right now I am helping him navigate probation and community service as a consequence of his arrest.  Counseling and substance abuse help are also rotating through his life.   I have reluctantly acquired a great deal of knowledge about how to help a troubled teenager. 

I am sharing Jason's story with my readers because life is not perfect and sometimes the life of foster parent becomes much more difficult that ever imagined.   In fact, many of my clients start out with stars in their eyes hoping to bring home their perfect forever child.  Yes, that does happen but that perfect child brings their own personality and past trauma with them.  Good social workers are open and honest about each child entering a new family.   However, the reality of foster care is that social workers often do not have much information before the child is placed.  I had a child placed in my home for two weeks before I found out that I was calling this beautiful baby by the wrong name!  The birth parents had used a fake name when dealing with child protective services.  Thankfully, the child doesn't remember that little mix up!  Regardless of where the child came from there are unknown challenges ahead in the journey of parenting.  Jason happens to be my biological child but I have faced challenging behavior from my foster children too.  I know that he grew up in a loving environment and was taught about the dangers of drug use because I was there!  If there is a perfect child out there, I have yet to find him or her.  Adoptive and foster parents should realize that there will be challenges ahead and they should be fully committed to work through the issues.   Putting the child back on a plane to Russia or selling the child to someone else are not available options to those of us who are not insane.  I confess to some serious self pity and a full day (or two) of wondering why this would happen in my family but I forced myself to get over that quickly and buckle in to figure out what to do next. 

Being a foster mom has taught me that there is always a solution to a situation.  I am not sure what it is but I work hard to find it.  Start with your agency resources.  Call your case worker.  Go to support group where you can talk freely about what is going on in your home.  Other foster moms often have ideas to share.  These woman are miracle workers when it comes to bed wetting, hoarding and public tantrums.  In Jason's case, I received very valuable advice from an unexpected source.  Jason was required to go to court and refused to allow me to get him a lawyer.  I was scared to death he was going to be tossed straight into jail.  The prosecuter (of all people!) called us into his office before Jason was to see the judge and walked us through the process.  He advised me to participate in probation meetings and to not be afraid to call and request a drug test if I felt it was necessary.  I felt like I had some power again and some tools to use to help my son and it lifted a portion of the burden off of my shoulders. 

 

I have found that the price of honesty is worth paying because other people are willing to lend a hand or a good piece of advice and share the burden.  The youth leader at my church is willing to encourage Jason to come to youth night again.   My best friend is willing to listen to my woes at lunch and lend a shoulder to cry on.   Once the probation officer knew that Jason's parents wanted to be a part of the process, her entire attitude changed.  Yes, I am embarrassed, okay mortified is a better word.  But if I were to keep this burden all to myself, I would not have found these wonderful people who are so willing to lend a hand. The best reward of all is that I have found some hope again and the strength to keep fighting my way through this challenge.   I will keep all of you posted and hope that I have some better news to share about Jason in my next post. 

Motherhood is Complicated

I have been pondering motherhood a lot lately.  The cause for all of this pondering is, of course, my children.   My 17 year old has made some very poor choices lately and as a mother, I am taking that very personally.   It causes me to question how good a mother I truly am.  That sentence sounds even more horrible when I read it again.  Why would a mother of five and foster mother to six  question how good she is at being a mother?   Because that is what mother's do!!!!!!  At least all of the mother's that I know do. 

My relationship with my own mother has been complicated over the years.  I have always loved my mother but it has been a rocky relationship.  I couldn't stand her during my teenage years and I will shamefully admit to a low point in my 20's when I didn't speak to her for two years.  When she became Grandma to my children, I realized how much I needed her presence in my life.  Now that I am in my forties we have finally found a wonderful friendship.  Understanding my relationship with my mother is important because she taught me how to be a mother.

 Many people who are thinking about foster care, wonder what kind  of mother they will be.  I recommend taking a good honest look at your  own mother.  Chances are high that your style will be similar.  There is a certain amount  of fear (or maybe fearlessness!) involved in becoming a foster mother.   Fear of the unknown is a big factor.  Will the child have uncontrollable behavior issues?  Will I have to let go of a child?  Can I love a stranger's child?  Will the child like me?  There is fear deeply rooted in these questions because the answers can only be found in the experience.  I use the word fearlessness because becoming a foster parents means setting aside inner fears and learning as you go. 

I have a dear friend with children in the same age range as mine.  We often get together for lunch to swap stories, complain, and support each other.    She has been a true friend and great support for me when life is overwhelming.  I think she is a wonderful mother, actually a better mother than I am in many respects.  She thinks that is the silliest thing she has ever heard.  What we both agree on is that it is very difficult to see yourself realistically or objectively when deeply involved in the emotional ups and downs of raising children.  Maybe I will see myself in a crystal clear way when I am a retired empty nester.   In the meantime, I give myself permission to question my ability and cry over my son's difficulties whenever necessary. 

Why does all this matter?  Well, I had an epiphany on Monday about motherhood.  When I was young, all I wanted to be was a mother.   Not just any normal mother.  I wanted to be the perfect mother and do it so much better than my mother did (youth is so full of pride!).   Fast forward 20 years and 11 children later and I have a son who is making bed decisions.  I spent a morning wondering what I had done wrong.  The answer I came to accept by late afternoon is that I have done my best.   I have loved and supported my children to the best of my ability.  My son is 17 years old and had gone and made bad choices all on his own.  I can no longer control his destiny even though all I want to do is fix things and make it all better.  My mother did her best too.  Children grow up and start making decisions for themselves and even mother of the year can't change that fact. 

Foster children need mothers who are willing to do their best to provide love and support.  They don't need a perfect mother.  They just need someone who cares.  There were many things about my foster children's lives that I could not change that broke my heart.  I could not take away the pain of their past, but I learned that I can love them towards their future.  That is what I can continue to do for my son  as he works to dig himself out of the hole he has made in his own life.  I don't need to be a perfect mother, I just need to keep trying and do the best that I can.

Learn More About Foster Care

The Washtenaw Coalition for Foster children is hosting a 5K run/walk to raise awareness about foster care.  To find out more information about this run visit:  fosterhope5k.com.

The Washtenaw Coalition is an interesting group.  It is made up of public and private adoption/foster care agencies in Southern Michigan, including Hands Across the Water.  The Department of Human Services in Washtenaw County (DHS) is the creator of this group and plays an active roll in coordinating our efforts.  In the business world, the agencies and DHS would be rivals.  But in the non-profit world, we work together to raise awareness of the great need for foster families.  We also work together in placing children.  When a child needs a home, the call (or email) will go out to all agencies with a description of the child that includes any special needs.  Each agency will look at the foster homes they have available.  Many factors will determine the "best" home for the child. Sometimes a child needs to stay within a certain geographic area for school or family purposes. The child may have medical needs that require special attention.  Only a limited number of foster homes will take sibling groups, making these children difficult to place too.

I often get questions about how the placement process works and I am glad to share the details. After my family completed the licensing process, I wondered if there was a list and wanted to know how long my wait would be.  Well, there is a list but placements do not happen in chronolgical order like I had imagined.  It is also not like competing for a job.  Beefing up your resume in the hopes of getting a faster placement does not apply in this case either.  I was called about the placement of a 3 month old baby because I was a stay at home mom and the little guy had some minor health issues that needed monitoring.  I received another placement because I was the only foster family available within the child's school district.  

I have also had people ask me what happens to their name on the list if a placement is turned down.  Some people may imagine that the agency will put a black mark by their name or send their name to the bottom of the list.  Neither of these thoughts are true.  It is okay to turn down a placement if the situation does not fit your family.  The agency wants the best placement possible to ensure a successful situation.  I would encourage you to have an open mind about a placement call because your family may receive calls about children who are a little outside of your specifications sometimes.  The little girl I said yes to because of her school district was 2 years older than my requested age perimeters.  I was willing to try to parent this girl to help her stay at her school and it worked out wonderfully.  She was with my family for 10 months and then returned home to her birth family.  I enjoy working in an environment where everyone works together to find the best home for a child.

I wandered off of my topic there for a bit, so I would like to return to the 5K run again.  The Coalition's purpose is to raise awareness about the great need for foster parents in Michigan.  If you are interested in learning more about becoming a foster parent, the 5k run is a great place to find out more information.  Each agency will have an information table and will be available to answer any questions you may have.  Hands Across the Water will be there too. Come and help us spread the word!

Sex-trafficking Sting Highlights Vulnerability of Foster Children

This article bothers me on so many levels that I have to say something about it!  Here is the link to read it:

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-child-sex-20130730,0,1571781.story

The statistic at the end of the article is more disturbing than anything else.  Here is the quote, "Half of sexually trafficked minors in California come from the foster care system. By comparison, fewer than 1% of all children in California are foster children."  Half of them!!!!!  

I know what the answer to this problem is.  It is very simple and very basic.  The system needs a lot more caring foster families.  A foster family who cares about a lost child provides structure, expectations, and love.  They are able to show a child what a real family is like.  These children come from tragic circumstances and often the basics of a normal family life can be life changing.  What are the basics?  It starts with 3 meals everyday.  Most children entering foster care have never had that.  Next is a parent that cares about the child and shows it each day by providing affection or a listening ear.  Basic rules of a household such as, going to school everyday, getting along with others in the household, and no stealing.  Building bonds of trust and love are the building blocks of a child learning right from wrong.  I have seen this magic work many times.  

Where do children go if there are no foster homes available?  Case workers and licensing workers are amazing people.  They work hard to find a home for a child by searching out relatives (good and bad), calling and begging current foster families to take just one more child or finding a residential treatment center.    The Department of Human Services connects with private agencies and the spreads the word when a child needs a home.  More foster homes in every single state would mean that children would be cared for in the best situation possible and not as they currently are with overworked case workers and overloaded foster homes. 

One family could make the difference for one child.    If you are thinking about fostering a child, I urge you to do more than just thing about it.   The work that foster parents do is nothing short of a miracle.  I hope you will consider saving a child from the kind of tragic circumstances described in this article.  All it takes is love.

Preparing for the First Placement

So you have spent hours in training class and had several visits with your licensing worker.  You have bared all the personal details you can possibly imagine in the name of completing a home study.  You have passed all the tests and now the waiting game begins.  The waiting period is always the worst time for me emotionally as each day goes by and I managed to dream up a thousand worst case scenarios.

How long is the wait going to be for that phone call?  The answer to this question depends upon what age and type of child you are waiting for.  In Michigan, there are not enough foster families to serve all of the children in need of a home.  If you are willing to provide a home to a child between the ages of 12-21, you will receive a call within 24 hours of completing your license. I am really not kidding about that!  This age group represents the area of greatest need in Michigan.  If you are willing to provide a home to a child between the ages of 5-12, I am pretty sure your phone will ring within 30 days (sooner if you will take sibling groups).  If you are signed up for the 0-5 year old age range, you may be waiting for awhile.  Michigan has many families waiting to help a young child within this age range and the wait will depend on your counties needs.  Again, the wait will be shorter if you are willing to take a sibling group.  Please keep in mind that the times and ages are not an official statistic.  This is based upon my own personal experience as a foster mom and as a licensing worker in Michigan.  I have fostered a wide range of children in my home and I have found that after the first placement, the calls come pretty regularly after the first one.

How should I prepare the bedroom and for clothing?  After the licensing process, you should have bedroom furniture and a place for clothing already taken care of.  It is impossible to buy clothes in advance because of the wide age range of possibilities and gender.  I like to have a some loose pajama's and sweat pants that may just do in a pinch.  What is more important is to have helper on call to run to the store just in case.  My husband always served this function but I have also used grandparents and close friends.  Remember that some children arrive with clothing and some with none at all.  One of my baby placements came with diaper bag that had a too small t-shirt , 1 diaper and the clothes he had on.  He had not had a bottle in hours because of the transition from his home, to the agency, and then to me.  My husband ran to the closest store for formula and some bottles while I tried to keep the little guy calm.

I had another child arrive in clothes that were filthy and damp.  He was 6 years old and very embarrassed that I wanted him to take a bath as soon as he arrived.  The pajama's I had on hand worked while my husband made another run to the store. 

Can I set up daycare ahead of time?  Most of us are working parents, including foster parents and day care is important.  I made some calls to the daycare centers near my home to see if they are properly licensed and able to accept a foster child.  Some centers are very willing and able to do this.  Others are not.  Your agency may have a list available of day care centers that are foster child friendly.  It is very valuable to have a neighbor, family member, or friend who can provide temporary care until you get things set up.  In my case, my mother in law is retired and was always willing to lend me a hand.  Keep in mind that the transition to your home is a difficult one for the child.  Everything that is familiar has been replaced with something new.  You may want to take some time off of work to ease the transition process.  I have found that 2-3 days is a pretty good guess.

What about school?  If you are preparing to foster a school age child, it is helpful to know the location and contact information of the schools in your area.  All agencies do their best to keep children within their own school system but because of the shortage of foster families, this may not be possible.  The public school system is able to enroll a child quickly and are very easy to work with.  I had a teenager placed with me that had to change schools and it was very simple to call the local high school and set up a meeting.  They had her all set to attend the next day.  The school will contact the child's previous school to obtain records and may call you with concerns as soon as they have the records.  Many foster children need extra services so don't panic if this happens.  Set up a meeting with the school's social worker.  This person will be able to lend you support and answer your questions.

What about medical care?  Your agency may have a list of doctors who take the insurance provided by your state.  It was a revelation to me to find out that not all doctors will see my foster children.  I started my research by asking the doctor I had taken my biological children too if he accepted the state's medical plan.  He did not but was able to refer me to a very nice place.  I used this place for all of my foster children after that. 

With each new placement, I felt like  I was walking a new path.  Each child has their own special needs that will take some creativity to meet.  I found that asking a lot of questions helped me to learn where to go and what to do.  Start by asking your case worker first.  This person is your most valuable resource.  Join a foster parent support group as soon as you can because these are the people who know the insider information.  They love to share!  I have also found  people within my circle of friends who are more than willing to lend a hand when they find out you are helping a child.  Good luck on this amazing journey!

Traveling With Foster Children

I realized lately that I have been wandering to far into my own personal life on this blog.  I want to get back to offering practical information for readers.  I think there is a significant lack of practical information out there right now for those who are currently fostering children.  In my family, summertime is the time to travel.  The children are out of school and I have usually neglected my extended family during the wintertime.  And to be brutally honest, the children in my household are bored silly after the joy of school ending has passed.  We have a pool and a trampoline that keep them pretty busy but there is nothing like a change of scenery.

Traveling with foster children always adds a few extra loops to the process that may seem overwhelming but it will be worth the extra time in the long run.  Always make sure that your case worker is fully informed about your plans.  I have found that I mentally absorb my foster children into my family and it often takes some extra thoughts for me to remember that this child does not belong to me.  I cannot just go wandering around the United States without providing full contact information and a detailed itinerary to the right people.  The case worker should be at the top of your list when you are forming your travel plans.  I have found that if I am just traveling within my home state, that it is a simple matter of providing the necessary information to the case worker.  However, things can get a little more complicated when visiting another state.  I like to request a letter from my caseworker that includes information about my family as the foster family and a statement about permission to travel with the child.  If I have positive relationship with the birth parents, I will keep them informed also.  Traveling can mean that children will miss some important visitation dates with birth parents.  Make plans in advance for the child to chat on the phone with their parents while they are traveling.  Sharing the new experience with their parents is often a great new avenue of conversation.

When I first began to foster children, I headed up north to visit my mother.  She lives about 250 miles away within my home state.  My mom was very nervous about this extra addition to our family and worried about how to act.  We chatted about it and decided that we would just do the same things that we always do when I visit.  We settled on taking the kids to a Putt-Putt course.  I love doing this because I can chat with my mom while the kids are having fun and we get some great pictures.  My latest foster child had never been Putt-Putting before and at 8 years old, she was the perfect age to enjoy it.  My mother was captivated by this child's reaction to such a simple activity.  The child sparkled with laughter and excitement through every hole.  My mom could not believe that such a simple activity could bring such joy to a child.  Many of the children who come into care have never experienced even a simple family vacation.  For me, it is a magical thing to give a child a new experience and create a happy memory for them to treasure, no matter where life may take them.   My mother has now caught the bug of creating new memories and loves to take the children places they have never been before.

Sometimes it is not possible to take a foster child on vacation because of cost or other restrictions. Sometimes a foster family just needs to take a break and get away for awhile and that is okay too. Do not feel bad or guilty if you need to find a substitute caregiver and take a breather.  Again, it is important that the case worker is fully informed of these kinds of plans.  A caseworker can be a big help in finding another foster family willing to take care of your foster child for a short time.  I think the best advice I can offer a new foster family is, "Do not change the things that you do just because a foster child has come to your home."  If you travel, keep traveling.  If you host a big family gathering every year, keep doing it.  Foster children need to experience normal everyday family life.  It is one of the greatest gifts a foster family can give a child.

Prejudice, Bias, Judgemental thinking and other Bad Words

I miss writing my thoughts down every week but life has been crazy since school ended and summer began.  I work from my home and I was really worried about how I was going to get any work done at all with five children plus their friends hanging around my house.  However, I am happy to report that the transition went much better than expected.  I hired a babysitter to come to the house two days a week and my husband has been fantastic at taking over when he comes home from work.  I actually feel more organized than I did when I had all day to work while the kids were at school.  I guess the knowledge that I only have the babysitter for five hours focuses me on the job at hand.  So here I am with the kids chattering outside my locked office door, ready to tackle a very difficult topic that has been on my mind for awhile now.

Everyone has a biased opinion or a prejudice against something.  If you do not believe me then you have not spent enough time exploring your inner self.  We are all shaped by the family or environment that we were raised in and we all lean in a certain direction.  The worst of these judgemental opinions can be labeled as racism, bigotry, or intolerance.   Like most people, I don't spend a lot of time exploring the biased opinion that I may carry around with me.  However, when parents enter the world of foster care and adoption, these "opinions" rise to the top very quickly.  The first time I faced my own biased opinion occurred when I began to think about parenting a child of another race.  Could I do it?  Would it matter to me?  I did not think that it would but my husband was pretty good about asking the hard questions.  Was I ready for a lifetime of questions that strangers would ask if the child looked so different from me?  That may sound crazy and bizarre but people often ask questions that are inappropriate.  In order to parent a child of a different race, I had to know in my heart that I would defend that child in all situations.  For the record, I have parented a child of a different race and I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I learned how to handle rude questions with humor and became proud of the many differences that stick out in my family.  This issue is really much broader than just race.  It includes children with disabilities and the biggest issue of all... behavior problems.

Foster children tend to have behavior problems that stick out in public.  In one of my support groups, I asked my parents how much information they share about foster parenting.  One of the Dad's laughed and said that he didn't have to share any information.  He had the words "foster parent" stamped on his forehead!  He meant that a foster child currently living in his home had some very serious behavior issues, especially out in the public eye.  Many people form very quick jugdements about parenting techniques when a child is acting up.  Gay parents  have shared with me that they face this kind of judgement and bias on a regular basis.

I wanted to share an eye opening moment with you that happened to me recently.  I was speaking with a coworker about things that I liked about my job and things that I didn't.  It came out that one of the areas that I struggle with is birth parents who are not dedicated to working out their issues.  I first ran into this brick wall when I began taking my first foster child to a visit with her mother.  The first visit went well, but she never showed up for the second visit.  I was driving 30 minutes each way, once a week for these visits to happen.  Needless to say, I was angry when the birth mom did not show up.  I also had to handle very carefully the child's feelings about mom not coming to an event that was very important to the child.  It made me angry to see some one's carelessness hurt a child in this way.  I quickly learned that this is a common problem for foster children and their caregivers.  Birth parents have many reasons for not showing up to visits that in my experience include, substance abuse, transportation difficulties, and just not caring enough.  As a foster parent, my priority is the child and at that time in my life, I was very skeptical of anything that would keep a parent from visiting with their child.  I could add a few more adjectives the judgemental pile I was keeping that included, anger, impatience, frustration, and disgust.  Jumping ahead several years into the future, I did not realize that I had continued to carry those feelings with me with regards to a birth parents.  My coworker is a real gem and handled it with humor by pointing out that a birth parent may be standing right behind me!  Her response reminded me that I work in a field where birth parents and their rights as parents are very important.

In my defense, I do not work directly with birth parents.  I primary work with adoptive and foster parents and I have no contact with birth parents at this time.  However, I eventually want to work as a case worker which will involve working directly with birth parents.  Obviously, I have some work to do on my inner self before I would feel ready to work in this area.  The good news here is that with some education and a little bit of open mindedness, most people (including myself) have the ability to change.

My advice is to not let fear of the unknown stop your from jumping into a new situation.  I remember picturing my family portrait with a tall black man standing beside this crazy, short, white family.  The image was funny but warmed my heart.  Of course I could love a child of a different race because what is really important to me was helping a child find a family.  Now, my actual family portrait is a source of joy each year because it is never the same.  Sometimes there is a tall child, or a black child, or a child who cannot sit still even for a short moment in my family picture.   I am going to have to remember that the people who are not in my family picture are important too.  Birth parents are an important part of my children's lives whether I like it or not.  It is long past time for me to open my mind and heart and begin to let go of my long held prejudices.  I hope you can too.

Bits of Thoughts from a Large Family

I have a lot of little bits of thoughts floating around me head that just haven't fit in anywhere into my blog recently.  So this is a post full of little bits.

I think siblings are necessary in a family.  I cannot imagine being an only child or being a parent of an only child.  I was teaching a class of 7 year olds this week and we started our class time by drawing our family on a large piece of paper.  I did mine just to have something to do while the kids were working.  They noticed what I was up to and started asking questions.  Why is your paper full of people?  How come there is only two girls in the picture.  Why do you have three dogs?  I have no idea why I have three dogs. The strays just kind of landed in my home.  My paper is full because I have five children plus an extra living in my house.  There are only two girls in my family because one is me and the other is my favorite daughter (my only daughter).   All of the children in my class have been adopted internationally and are only children.  They marveled at the size of my family for a good five minutes.  It made me laugh.  I know my family can be a little shocking sometimes.  I believe that everyone should have a sibling to play with, to fight with, to love and to hate.  I have one sister and we hated each other passionately for 30 years.  Now we are good friends and I wouldn't trade her for anything.  If someone asks me if they should adopt or foster another child, my answer is always yes!


Child abuse is always on my mind because of my job.  Abusing a child causes a domino effect down through generations and fans out to extended family.  The immediate damage to the child is obvious, but I am talking about looking into the future.  The most obvious scenario here is pretty common.  Children who are abused grow up and abuse their children and the cycle continues until someone become a cycle breaker.  My father was a cycle breaker and I am so impressed and proud of him for that.  He does not discuss what happened to him as a child as a result of living with an alcoholic father and I don't think I could bear the details.  Cycle breakers are amazing people.  The latest scenario that I have encountered is grandparents raising their grandchildren because their own child is more focused on substance abuse than caring for the children.  The extended family often takes on the emotional and financial challenges of raising a family member's children.  Substance abuse can also be passed down to children as a grown child becomes addicted to the same drugs that caused the trouble in the first place.  One of my son's was born addicted to crack at birth.  I am very worried that if he experiments with drugs, as many teenagers do, that his body will recognize it immediately.  Can my son break the cycle and stay away from drugs?  He is eight years old now and I am able to push those thoughts to the back of my brain for another day.  Thank goodness!

I have completed a remodel of my home office and I am so happy to have my own space to work in!!!  Remodel is actually a much fancier word for what really happened to the original office space in my house.  When we first moved in, the office was just a place to put odds and ends that we could not find a space for in the rest of the house.  Eventually, I found a hand me down desk and added a file cabinet and a chair.  We put the computer in there and called it an office.  Unfortunately, this space was never really owned by anyone in the family until we had a stray child come to stay with us for a year.  Shelly was too old to be called a foster child and just sort of ended up in our home by accident (that is kind of theme for my family).  Anyway, she needed a room.  So I had this bright idea to paint the room a color of her choice and put a bed in there.  Of course, she chose bright pink and immediately spread her clothes all over.  My office was long gone within a week.  Shelly eventually moved out and I got fed up with trying to work at home in the middle of the family room.  So began the remodel.   I still have the hand me down desk and I added a new printer and a small, brand new file cabinet that doesn't look like a file cabinet at all!  The pink was painted over and I managed some new carpeting too.  I had no idea that having my own space could be such an amazing feeling.  I close the doors and nobody bothers me.  They can't tell if I am working or playing cards on the computer just for fun.  I have found my own personal place to escape the chaos of my home and it is amazing.  If you don't have your own space, I highly recommend it!

Three of my children will be getting out of school for the summer next week and I can't decided if I am really happy about it or dreading it.  That may sound crazy but summer is such a relaxing time for my family.  We don't have a regular schedule and we get out of bed when we want to.  That is one of the amazing joys of being a stay at home mom.  However, this stay at home mom is also a working mom.  I work from home (in my glorious new office!) and pretend that I work part time.  The reality is that during the school year, I have enjoyed working most of the school day away and that adds up to much more than part time.  I am really worried about how I am going to juggle having my three wonderful children under my feet all summer long.  That is the part I am dreading.  I have set up a babysitter to come to my house two days a week.  I have also been prepping my husband to take over when he come home from work so that I can retreat to my office.   I think it is going to work, but I am not quite sure yet. I may be a crazed lunatic by the end of the summer.  Who knows??  I will keep you posted.

If you can't tell by reading my blog, I love my large family.  I love having kids in my house all the time. I love the chaos they bring with them.  I love having pets to keep everyone busy.  I love sitting at soccer practice in my car reading People magazines.  I love that my job often mimics the craziness of my family.  I work at home, and at the office, and at events.  I am always moving towards the next event on my calendar.  I juggle teaching classes with taking my kids to practice.  I juggle appointments with clients around school picnics.  Does anyone else live this kind of life?  I hope so because it is an amazing ride!

  

I am a Reality Junkie

I think that blogger's and blog readers are reality junkies.  I am not the kind of person that enjoys watching reality television.  I have seen Honey Boo Boo and it made me laugh but I think that I have enough reality in my own life where I do not need to watch another person's trauma and drama.  However, I do love to read blogs and it occurred to me that maybe I am being a little snobbish about reality television as blogging seems to be the same idea, just in written form. 

My job at Hands Across the Water seems to have an element of reality television in it.  As a licensing worker, I spend a lot of time with people who want to become foster parents.  They share their life story with me, then they right it down in reams of documentation and then I rewrite it into a home study document.  The process usually takes three to four months.  I think it is safe to say that I get to know my families really, really well.  Yesterday, I spent four hours with a family assisting them with their autobiography.   When I left the home, I was so mentally exhausted that had a hard time focusing on my own family.  I found myself snapping at my children and snarling at my husband over some really stupid stuff.  My husband is a smart guy.  When he comes home from work and finds me in this kind of mood, he works hard to stay out of my way.  I think he told the kids to stay away from mom for a little while too.  So I was left with no one to take my anger out on except myself and resorted to pounding the keys of my computer as I tried to get a little work done.  

I soon realized that trying to work was pointless too.  What was wrong with me!?  It finally came to me that I had internalized the life story from the family I was working with and it was really upsetting me.  My mind keeps jumping back to different details and experiencing it again.  I have heard all kinds of life stories in the world of foster care and adoption, so this kind of thing isn't new to me.  What is new to me is not having a place to talk about the things I heard.  Due to confidentiality issues, I can't share any details here to get it off my chest.  That makes it even more frustrating.  Writing is a wonderful emotional outlet for me and I can't use it in this case.  Not everyone can handle the kinds of stories that come from working in the foster care system.  The children often come into care with horrific stories of abuse or neglect.  Families talk of losing a loved one to substance abuse or the loss of a child.  People who adopt internationally are changed by viewing the orphanages where there child first lived.  My husband is a good listener but he has his limits.  

If you have ever been to a class I have taught, you will know that I hate the concept of confidentiality.  I am a talker and a writer.  I love to share.  I want people to know that foster parents can change lives.  I understand the necessity for abiding by confidentiality laws and I am capable of doing so, but I do not like it.  One of the places where some details can be shared openly is a support group.  I love support groups.  People come and share their stories and learn from each other.  I am a facilitator for a support group at Hands Across the Water but I have to be honest and say that I get as much out of the group as my attendees.  After all, I am an adoptive/foster parent too and I am always interested in new ideas.  One parent shared that her family has decided not to share their adopted children's stories with extended family.  She wants the family to accept the child as is, with no additional baggage to cloud judgement.   I am fascinated with this idea because I have experienced judgmental behavior from extended family too.  I also admire this family for being able to keep these matters private.  I am pretty sure that would feel like an over filled balloon waiting to pop if I could not talk about my issues.  

I am a big fan of sharing experiences.  In support group, people learn that what they are going through has happened to others.  There is a way out and established methods that can help in difficult situations.  I am not sure what we can learn from Honey Boo Boo but I know that we can learn a great deal from each other when we share our stories.  For good or for bad, many people know the my children's stories because of the nature of my job.  My kids are growing up and they are starting to realize that they have a story to share.  I asked my eight year old if anyone at school ever asked him about being adopted.  He didn't even pause his Xbox game to answer, "No and if they do, I would tell them to go away!"  Obviously he does not feel the need to share the way that I do.  It is clear that I should work on helping him learn some constructive ways to answer people who ask too many questions.    

I very much enjoy the talking aspect of my job.  I know that my experiences in foster care can help others who are brave enough to walk this path.  I am glad that I can answer questions for people.  I am sure that I will continue to write my blog and share just a few too many details sometimes.  That just seems to be who I am.  In the mean time, I may just have to try out writing in a private journal to let off some steam.  

These are my people!

I love the song by Rodney Atkins called, "These are my people".  It goes like this:

These are my people
This is where I come from
We're givin' this life everything we've got and then some
It ain't always pretty
But it's real
That's the way we were made
Wouldn't have it any other way
These are my people

I found my people last week in Lansing at the Michigan Association of Foster, Adoptive and Kinship Parents (MAFAK) conference.  This conference is a big training event that is held each year that invites people from all over Michigan to attend training classes.  It is a three day event and  I  met people from all over the state.  I was hosting my usual information table in the vendor area in hopes of recruiting some new people to become foster parents.  I quickly figured out that everyone in attendance was already licensed and knew all about foster care and adoption.  I quickly adjusted my salesman pitch and just started talking to people and asking questions.

There seemed to be about 300-400 people that just came and went from the vendor area all day long, browsing the booths and looking at the silent auction items.  When I am sitting a my table, I have a lot of time to people watch and I was amazed by the diversity of the event.  By diversity, I don't just mean race.  There were people of all ages ranging from young couples fostering kids to grandparents who are parenting their grandchildren.  I saw an Amish couple, a large African American family, some little people (I hope that is the correct term!), and more that I can't begin to describe.  I was very touched by a white haired gentleman who easily looked around 70 years old cradling a newborn child of a different race.  If you were someone just peeking in the door of this conference, you would see what foster parents like as a group.  Obviously, there are no boundaries or definition that can fully describe this group.

I think I was personally amazed by this group because I have always felt different within my community and even within my own extended family for the work that I do with children.  I tend to use humor and laugh my uniqueness away but it is difficult to be different all the time.  I have written before about how my house stands out in the neighborhood. Holiday's and events with my extended family always require an explanation about who is currently living in my household.  Even my own mother doesn't quite understand why my household is always filled with children and why I would want all of this chaos around me.  All of this doesn't offend me but I do get tired of explaining all time.

As people stopped at my table, I started asking questions.  Are you a foster parent?  How many children do you have right now?  I received some amazing answers!   Some people would give me a number and move on, but most stopped and shared some of their personal stories.  One mother said that she is fostering one child, in the middle of the adoption process with another, and taking care of her sister's child too.  A middle aged mom shared that yesterday she only had three children in the home but she is expecting another tomorrow (and she wasn't pregnant).  My favorite narrative came from the mother that had two children next to her and described a past foster daughter who had aged out of the system but had no where to go.  This grown child was moving back in and bringing her infant child with her.

These are my people!  This is exactly what happens in my household.  Children young and grown keep moving in and moving out.  They each have a story and need a helping hand.  It felt so good to be around people who have similar stories and a similar desire to help a child, regardless of the circumstances.  I did not realize that I had mental walls of protection erected around my brain until they came down with each story that I heard.  I have a smile on my face right now as I write about it.  It was a great feeling to connect with these families and see so many who are willing to sacrifice so much to help a child in need.

Remember that foster parents are the healers behind some of the most horrific stories that are in the news today.  Did you see the headline today (4/30/13) about the newborn baby left on a beach in Hawaii?  By this afternoon a foster family will be showering love upon that abandoned child, but you won't see that headline in the news this afternoon.  However, I am proud to print it here.  Foster parents are the people who open their homes and their hearts to make another person's life better.  I feel so lucky that I was able to see this amazing group in one place and so happy to remember that I am a part of this group too.  Go Foster Parents!

If you would like more information about MAFAK, visit the website at http://www.mafak.co/.

Thoughts about Runaways

It has now become clear that the extra child living in my home is technically called a runaway.  Yes, she is still here.  My father arrived on Easter Sunday for dinner and a family visit and noticed our extra right away.  Dad is a pretty out going guy and very used to extra children in my house.  He said, "Who are you?"  She told her her name and he says, "Do you live here?"  She responds, "Yes, I think so."  I feel a little bad that I did not warn Dad ahead of time but I am grateful that he jumped in and included her in the family conversation of the day.  I became aware of her runaway status when her mother told me during one of our phone calls.  It seems this young lady has runaway from her family five times since Christmas of 2012.   That is a lot of running in a very short time.  The stories that I am going to share with you are not about foster children, but foster children can and do runaway from the homes they have been placed in.  I hope you will find some useful information from my experiences that can be applied to youth in foster care. 

When I think of the term "runaway," I can see images from the television of parents posting missing posters and homeless children wandering the streets using drugs.  This girl is not that kind of runaway, nor have I ever met that kind of runaway.  However, runaway teens seem to find my home on a regular basis.  My current fugitive is the fifth young person to land at my house for more than a week because of family issues.  In addition, two of my biological kids have claimed to runaway on more than one occasion.  I think it is safe to say that I have a little experience with this type of behavior.  

I have noticed some common themes among these kids that include, my parents are crazy, my parents don't care about me, or my favorite, I have no where else to go.  The kids that land in my home are usually friends of my own children from our surrounding community.  I have had this happen so often that I have begun to wonder if all the parents in my community are bad parents!  Maybe I am the bad parent for harboring their runaway child!  There are no easy answers in this situation.  My own children have used running away as a form of control or as part of a power struggle.  For example, "If you make me go to school, I will run away."  My answer to this is usually, "school is required in this household, you are free to leave if you cannot abide by the rules of this home."  This works well when calling a bluff and often takes the air right out of the angry teenager's sails.  One of my sons did stomp out of the house and did not return for three days.  I was scared to death!  This is when I learned that the parents in my community are some of my best friends.  My son had run to a friend's house and the mother sent me a short text to let me know that he was there and was safe.  Kids often run to safe territory.  The girl in my home now has  known my family from years of attending the same church.  Our home is a safe place from which to argue with her parents.  I am sure that she chose us on purpose.  Runaways often do not plan their escape (some do, but not generally).  It is often done in the heat of anger or within a set of favorable circumstances.  

When a child runs away, the parent is left with a big pot of emotion.  I felt like a failure.  I could not control my child.  I felt rejected as a human being.  I love my children with my entire soul, and by running away, my child has announced to the world that he does not love me.  It is a horrible emotional place to be as a parent.  Foster parents have similar thoughts because they have opened their home and hearts to a stranger's child.  That gift has been rejected.  What do I do?  My advice is to take care of practical matters first, which means locating the child.  In my case, I called friends, grandparents and even a teacher.  Foster parents should alert the case worker and possibly the authorities of necessary, but also check birth parents, friends, and the school.  Once the child is located, change can begin.

In my son's case, I had to learn to compromise.  I was not going to allow him to drop out of high school but I was open to the idea of changing schools.  He visited several with me and chose an alternative high school in a town close by.  He is doing very well there and no longer has an absentee problem.  I cannot stress enough the importance of compromise and listening when it comes to difficult teenagers.  I learned this the hard way when my mother tossed me out of the house when I was 16 years old.  We did  not speak again for two years.  I knew that I did not want to travel this same road with my own children so I learned to listen and compromise.  If I child feels that parents are listening then they feel  they have a voice in their own lives.  Then they may not feel the need to runaway.  Prevention is a parent's best defense against the runaway.  Listen to the child and ask lots of questions.  I recommend repeating back some statements to the child during the conversation.  This helps you understand what is being said and also lets the child know that you are trying to listen.  Then take time to think about what is being said.  My favorite phrase is, "I heard what you said and now I need some time to think about it."  If a child feels a parent is truly listening, then they will wait for the outcome.  There are some rules that should never be compromised on.  Drug use falls into this category in my household.  If I see evidence of it, I will morph into an erupting volcano and lose all ability to listen and compromise.  However, once I calm down, the solution to the drug use can be negotiated.  Therapy and drug treatment programs can work miracles if your child is facing this situation.  

I have told the parents of the girl in my house I am willing to provide a safe place for her to live right now until they are able to work things out.  The alternative for her is house hopping between the homes of friends and then the streets.  Those options are intolerable to me and her parents, so this arrangement is working for now.  I hope the parents figure out how to compromise soon!  

There is an Intruder at my House

There is someone extra living at my house.  I am embarrassed to say that I did not notice this fact until several days after she moved in.  When she arrived, she was hidden among a group of four other teenagers.  Some of those left and she spent the night here.  At my house, teenagers tend to come and go often.  Most of them know that they are welcome to grab a bite to eat and hang out for awhile.  As a result, I am never quite sure who is staying and who is just visiting.  When this young lady showed up in my kitchen on Tuesday morning when no one else was home, I started asking questions.  By this time, I was pretty sure that she had spent the night on Sunday and Monday.

It is now Friday (and she is still here) and I have gotten the full story.  According to her, she is taking a break from her family.  According to her mother, she has run away from home.  According to the parents at the bus stop this morning, I should stop feeding teenagers and they may stop hanging out!  So here I am wondering how I got dragged into this situation that I do not really want to be in.  I have known this girl's family for many years and I count them as good friends.  This puts me in a very sticky situation.  I do not want to interfere with or judge my friend's parenting style.  I do not want to enable this girl to hide from her issues.  I absolutely to do not want another child to support and take care of.  The five children of my own keep me busy enough.

I asked the parents at the bus stop this morning why teenagers in trouble always land at my house.  One Mom pointed out that my own teenagers are the ones bringing them home.  I thought that was very interesting and also true.  My kids do this a lot.  It is not unusual for one of them to ask if someone can spend the night or join us for dinner for concerning reasons.  I am always surprised that my children are compassionate people.  As I look back, I believe it is because they have learned so much from having foster children in our home.  Foster children come with horrific stories from their pasts and I guess my children were listening and learning.  I did not go into foster care planning on turning my biological kids into better people but it is a very nice side effect.

The other reason teenagers end up at my house is because of the food.  I will sheepishly admit that I an extreme couponer and have been for years.  As a result, my cupboards are very will stocked with teenager food.  The only requirement I ask of someone sampling my stockpile is a guess on how much I paid for a particular item.  I live for the moment that I can say, "it was free!!!!"  The kids love this and it often turns into a mini episode of the Price is Right.  Again I have experienced an unexpected side effect to my coupon habit.  My children's friends like to be at my home because of the food.  This allows me to get to know them and understand who my children choose as friends.  As most parents will tell you, I would rather have my kids and their friends at my house than somewhere where I have to worry about them.

I am not sure what I am going to do about the fugitive living in my house yet beyond encouraging this young lady to talk about her situation.  Sometimes a friend can offer advice that a child will listen to when they won't listen to a parent.  That is all I have at the moment.  In the meantime, she is doing a little housework and some laundry to earn her keep.  I will keep you posted.

Embryo Adoption

I get to do some really amazing things in my job.  I love working directly with foster kids and their foster families.  I attend special events and host an information table about foster care.  These things may look like work to you, but not to me.  I get to play with kids and I get to eat elephant ears while chatting with people about my favorite subject, foster care!  I am always learning new things about the foster care/adoption world.  The latest bit of information to cross my path is embryo adoption.  Here is a small article that I wrote for the Hands Across the Water (HATW) newsletter to give you an idea of what an embryo adoption is all about:

HATW has become a partner agency with Nightlight Christen Adoptions to provide a new service called Snowflakes Embryo Adoption for our families .  According to the Nightlight website, “ The Snowflakes Program makes it possible to adopt embryos from couples who have completed In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and have remaining embryos.”  These remaining embryos can be donated to the  Snowflakes program where another couple can adopt the embryo, and give birth to their own adopted child.  This is an exciting new idea for couples who have experienced the heartbreak of fertility issues.  HATW will be there to provide support and services through the entire process.  To learn more about this new service visit http://www.nightlight.org/ or call HATW at 734-477-0135. 

Look for a link to this newsletter to be posted soon.  Did you notice the sentence, "give birth to your own adopted child"?  Think about that for a second.  Is someone really suggesting that an adopted couple can experience a pregnancy and bring their own adopted child into the world?  I began researching this topic when I found out that HATW was going to offer this service as another way to create a forever family.  I am still amazed by what I learned.  I encourage you to go to the Nightlight website and watch a few of the testimonial videos.  I learned about couples who were successful at creating a family through (IVF) and had embryos left over.  In the past, their choices were limited to using the embryo's themselves, donating them to medical research or destroying them.  I think this list of options really stinks for a couple that has poured their heart and soul into creating a family.  Nightlife offers the couple the option of putting their precious embryo's up for adoption and staying in touch with the adoptive family through an open adoption arrangement.  The adoptive couple will go through the IVF process using the donated embryo's.  If all goes well, the adoptive mother will become pregnant and welcome their child nine months later.  Isn't that amazing?

My husband and I experienced secondary infertility when we were trying conceive our fourth child.  Doctors had no explanation as to why I could not become pregnant after having three children.  We tried some medication and ran some tests but received no answers.  It was frustrating and heartbreaking all at the same time.  I think this why the idea of embryo adoption has latched onto my brain.  I could have done this!  Of course I don't regret my choices that have lead me through foster care, adoption and ultimately a career.  But I just can't help marveling at this latest option.  So many women grieve deeply over the inability to experience pregnancy and sometimes adoption seems like settling for the next best thing.  This new idea has the ability to heal the hearts of both families.  The donating family experiences the joy of knowing that the life they created has fulfilled someone else's dream of a family.  The adoptive family can experience pregnancy and the joy of knowing their child from its first moments of life.   

My family picture is a pretty amazing mix of looks.  My daughter and I look a lot alike, one of my son's could be a carbon copy of my husband.  My third son looks like I had an affair with the mail man (I didn't!) and my adopted son has bright red hair.  My other adopted son is blond haired and blue eyed just like the rest of the gang.  The cashier at the grocery store cannot figure out how we were blessed with blond, brown and red headed children.  I think it is fun to keep her guessing.  Now imagine explaining that my child is adopted but I gave birth to him too.  It is just amazing.

Pictures of Hands Across the Water's New Office

Hands Across the Water's New Office Location

(This is where I work)

Come and take a tour with me!

 This is the room where classes are taught and meetings are held.  If you have visited HATW in the past, you can remember our last conference room.  It was usually filled with items collected as donations for our foster kids.  We just held our class around the stuff!

This is one of several play rooms for children who are visiting with their birth parents or hanging out during support groups.  These rooms can also be used during therapy.

This is our reception area.  Check out the lending library on the right.


If you would like to see more pictures visit www.hatw.org.

Keep Learning

I have a bachelor's degree in Human Services that qualifies me to........Well, I was going to write that I am an educated professional and qualified to teach you something about foster care and child abuse.  However, most of my education about children in the system comes from personal experience.  When I write or teach about foster care, I do so from my own personal experiences as a foster mom and as a biological mom.  Kids are my thing.  I have never met a child (teenagers included here) that is well behaved all the time, gets good grades, loves his family, and grows up to become successful and happy.  That child does not exist.  Every child has their weaknesses and inner turmoil that will shape who they become.  I see a child as a life long project who is never quite done growing up.  I am 45 years old and still feel like I am growing up on the inside!  I love the challenge of trying to see a child from the inside, to get inside their head and truly figure out what is going on in there.  Once I can see the cause of the behavior, it becomes much easier to work out a solution.

Jason is my third child and never lets me forget that he is the middle child.  He tends to be a pessimist about life and his cup is always half empty.  I often respond or react with guilt because a middle child truly does not receive the same level of attention that the first born or the last born does.  But this has become a very nasty little habit for the both of us.  He is always unhappy with what he does receive and I always feel bad that it is not enough.  To some extent, as a mother I feel that I have created and perpetuated this bad attitude within my son.   Or, insert a big pause here, he has become quite the little plotter and knows how to push all of my buttons to get exactly what he wants.  Which one is the correct answer?

I read an amazing series of books this weekend written by David Pelzer.  The first book in the series is called, "A Child Called It."  The author writes from his own personal experiences of being severely abused as a child and his journey through foster care.  The three books were so riveting to me that I read all three in a weekend.  I just could not put them down for several reasons.   The first book is an intense and detailed account of the abuse David suffered at the hands of his mother.  It was so horrific that it is almost unreadable.  I  read it as fast as I could because it was just to painful to absorb.  I kept going because I wanted to read about his experiences in foster care and I just had to know how he escaped.  As I said above, I am fascinated with children and how their minds work.  David's case is extreme but often an extreme account can point out things that we normally would not see clearly.

I learned an amazing amount from these books, but they also reminded me of many things that I already knew.  For instance, most foster kids have behavior problems that stem from the trauma experienced before they entered foster care.  There will be another post about this topic soon.  Foster parents can change a child's life significantly just by providing a loving home.  Most importantly, I am reminded that no child should be labeled hopeless and given up on.  Children are a work in progress.  Foster parents need to remember this as one of the most valuable pieces of information they have.  When a foster parent can view a foster child from a whole picture perspective, it takes the frustration out of the struggle.  We can remember what the child has been through, how far they have come, and hope for where they are going.

Jason is my work in progress.  Things do not come easily to Jason.  He struggles at school, at church, at home, and with his brother.  He has never taken the golden road of achievement.  My husband and I have had many, many conversations that end with the sentence, "I am not going to give up on him."  Mostly because we do not know what else to say or do.  However, I can remember what he has been through and how far he has come.  Jason was not abused when he was a child but the lesson's still apply.  When I am frustrated and parenting (fostering or any other kind) seems too hard, a book like "A Child Called It" reminds me that every child has potential.  Some children can only move forward a tiny fraction at a time, but movement is movement and should be celebrated every painful inch of the way.  David Pelzer's books are painful to read, but in the interest of learning about these children that we care for, his experiences are invaluable.

As a parent I think it is our job to continue to learn about our children.  Read books and go to training classes.  Study your child and compare him or her to others.  Find a yard stick to measure your child by and then throw it out.  I say throw it out because society's yard stick is not going to work with our special kids.  Go through several until you find the one that is a true measurement of your child's progress.  Then celebrate small successes and keep moving forward.  I do not know where the finish line is on my children's road, but I want to get them as close to it as I can