Visitation with Birth Parents, Part I

I believe that I have written before about becoming a foster parent to adopt a child.  During the course of my training, the topic of visitation with birth parents was never discussed.  I don't know whether this topic was omitted or avoided, but the result was that I felt completely blindsided when a visit with birth mom was scheduled for me and my new foster baby.  Dylan was 3 months old when he arrived at my home.  The most notable characteristic about Dylan was that he was hungry.  He was a very affectionate and cuddly baby but he always wanted a bottle.  He either had one or wanted one.  There was no in between time when he was happy, full and content.  At three months old he weighed just over 7 pounds and he was tiny!.  This was a baby who failed to thrive because his parents didn't feed him.  You can imagine my surprise when visitation was scheduled.  After two weeks of around the clock bottles for this baby, I had formed some very negative opinions about his birth parents.  My social worker told me that all I had to do was bring the baby to DHS (Department of Human Services) and hand him to her.  She would take him in for a one hour visit and then I could pick him up again.  At this point, I have to confess that as a foster parent I was never able to keep myself separate from my foster kids.  From the moment they arrived in my home I felt protective of them.  Since Dylan was just a tiny hungry baby, this feeling was twice as strong.  The thought of dropping him off made me feel nauseous.  However, I knew this was part of my job as a professional parent.  I kept repeating the words, reunification to myself over and over.  After all, the primary goal of fostering a child is to help a family get back together again.  The protective mother bear feelings came as a big surprise to me.  I did not expect to feel that strongly about this child.  Dylan was supposed to be a short term placement and prospects looked good for his return to his birth family.  I knew from the beginning that I was not going to be able to adopt him.  Where did those strong feelings come from?  The best explanation I have is that as a woman, I am built to be a mother.  I have discovered over the years that I will mother anyone who comes in my door.  Anyone could be defined as a foster child, the little girl from next door or a teenage friend.  I will feed them and make sure they have a coat on.  I just cannot shut off the mother switch.  Dylan's fragile state when he arrived intensified my feelings of protectiveness.  I did not trust his birth parents, so I had put my trust in my social worker.  It was the longest hour of my life as I sat in the parking lot waiting for Dylan to be returned to me.  When a foster parent opens their home to a child, they also open their hearts.  It is this kind heart that has led us to help a child in need in the first place.  This kind heart is our best asset despite the fact that it opens us up to pain when the child leaves or fear when we need to put the child in someone else's hands temporarily.  The loving heart is what gets us through the rough spots and helps us provide a loving home to a stranger.  Do not fight those feelings when they come.  Embrace them and the child and let things work themselves out.  After all, things happen very slowly in foster care, but that is the subject of another post.  

Food is a Big Deal

Remember when the neighbor kid comes over and wants to stay for dinner?  Everyone likes spagetti, but at first bite the neighbor pulls a face and is done eating.  The noodles are the wrong size or the sauce has lumps; the face says it all.  Feeding a foster child is like feeding the neighbor child three times a day.  It does not matter what age the child is.  You are going to experience drama with food.  The most important thing to remember is that the child is not intentionally being rude or ungrateful.  Most of the time the child has just never been taught the correct response to liking or disliking food.  Some foster kids are extremely picky and others cannot stop eating.  Nathan was a three month old baby when he came to our family so we did not experience food issues until he just over a year.  Seven months later, I thought food would not be a problem.  Silly me.  Nathan has issues with textures.  For the first three months of his life he sat in a car seat and had a bottle propped up.  He did not know how to cuddle or how to receive touch.  With the help of a wonderful organization called First Steps I learned how to teach him to like touch.  We always touched him gently and slowly.  When we held him, we would run our fingers lightly up and down his arm or around his face.  For a normal child who has been held since birth, this is extremely ticklish and cannot be tolerated for long.  Nathan grew to love it and would ask his Grandpa to do it every time he came over.  When he crawled, he would only crawl on the carpet and never on the hard floor.  Grass outside was intolerable until he was almost three years old.  Food is all about texture, which I learned pretty quickly.  If it was sticky or slippery, Nathan would not eat it.  Everything I put on his plate was poked with one finger and judged immediately.  Nathan is six years old now and most of his touch issues are behind him but his menu remains very limited to normal kid food.  It includes his three staples of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, macaroni and cheese and spagettios.  My eight year old foster daughter, Diamond, loved to eat.  I got the impression that her mom relied heavily on frozen food to feed her.  Oatmeal and scrambled eggs were new foods to her and she loved them immediately.  She was not afraid to try things.  However, Diamond's mom would forget to bring home food when she was drinking so Diamond would have to make do.  One day I was picking up Diamonds room I found some bananas going bad under her bed.  The next day there was a box of cereal.  Thanks to my foster parent training, I knew this was a neglected child saving food for the day when she would not have any.  I waited until I had her on an errand in the car away from the other kids and told her that I found some food under her bed.  She was quiet about it.  I reassured her that there was always enough food in our house and she did not have to save any.  She was allowed to go in the cupboards and refrigerator whenever she wished.  The hoarding did not stop right way but I kept reminding Diamond that food would always be available and eventually it stopped.  I felt it was important not to make her feel bad and to allow her to do what made her feel more comfortable.  Food for Shelly at 17 is a funny issue to me.  Shelly will try just about anything but when she doesn't like something the effect is immediate.  She shivers and gets this screwed up look on her face.  Some times the food gets spit right back out.  I cannot help but laugh every time it happens.  She is just so dramatic about it that is hilarious.  I think it is important for a foster parent to buy food that the child likes.  First, this makes your job of encouraging good eating habits so much easier.  Second, it is good for my biological kids to experience some new stuff.  Shelly does not like eggs in any form, so I make sure that I have serve other things with eggs that she likes.  Nathan has been taught to try something new with his macaroni and cheese.  Diamond loved lasagna and when I made it, I always announced that we were eating  Diamond's lasagna for dinner.  Kids who have been neglected come to us in many forms that often include malnourishment, pickyness, and hoarding.    These are things that a foster parent can work on and fix.  My goal as a foster parent is always to heal the hurt. Find out what your foster child likes to eat and serve it often.  Use it as a platform to try new foods and never, never withhold food as a punishment.  Food is about love and caring and that is what a foster child needs more than anything.

Those Neglect Stories are Real

My family has been very busy this week preparing for Christmas this weekend.  We did a lot of shopping and baking.  I was sitting at the table today working on my shopping lists as my 5 and 6 year old were decorating gingerbread houses.  I had found them on sale for $4.00 each on a dash to the discount bread store.  Every so often a teenager would wander in and lend a hand.  Another teenager wanted to wrap presents so she locked herself in my bedroom with the wrapping paper.  It was all very peaceful to me as I watched them work and interact with each other.  However, my mind was clouded with stories of past Christmases for my foster kids.  A foster child will not sit down and tell you their life story the minute that you ask but bits and pieces come out in the course of daily life.  One child told me that she had never gotten a present before.  Well, maybe a few but Mom always took them away saying that she was too naughty.  She did not get them back.  Another told me that she didn't like candy because it made her teeth hurt.  When she said that I asked her to open up and let me see.  Most of the teeth on the left side of her mouth had cavities so big I could see them.  From that moment on, I noticed that she only chewed on the right side of her mouth.  A trip to the dentist immediately followed Christmas for that little girl.  I grew up in a home that wasn't perfect but my parents loved me and I always had food and clothing.  I now know what a blessing that is.  These stories are not just a stories of a poor family that can't afford Christmas.  These are stories of neglect.  My first reaction was disbelieve.  I just could not imagine a world where a child did not receive a present or go to the dentist when there is pain.  Another young lady knocked my socks off at Walmart when she did not want to go into the bathroom without me.  Finally she asked if I would still be there when she came out.  I reassured her that I would and that we had shopping to do.  She said, "Mom left me and my siblings in a Walmart when we were younger so I get worried."  She didn't just mean that they got lost and could not find Mom.  She meant Mom got in her car and left on purpose.  These kinds of stories leave me with the desire to wrap my arms around that child and not let go and then do it again. Foster parents have the power to heal the wounds from neglect.  We cannot take away the wound but we can pour so much love into it that the scar is hardly visible.  I am not a miracle worker, nor do I have specialized knowledge in the growth of children, but I know how to love a child unconditionally.  I know how to teach a child right from wrong and I know how to be a good example.  These are the tools of a foster parent.  Anyone with love in their heart can foster a child and make a difference in a child's life. 

Foster Parents are Angels

When I became a foster parent and people began to notice the extra child hanging around with my family, I was called a lot of things.  Crazy was usually near the top of list but my favorite was angel.  Many people said I was an angel for helping a child in need.  I never quite figured out how to reply to that beyond a thank you because I did not feel like an angel.  I felt more like an overworked and disorganized mother who had squeezed one more thing onto my plate (maybe that crazy label fits!).  Maybe the answer lies in why people become foster parents.  I became a foster parent because I wanted to adopt a child.  International adoption was far too expensive for me to consider.  I already had three biological children so adopting a baby in a domestic adoption didn't seem quite right to me.  At the suggestion of an adoption worker, my husband and I decided to give foster care a try.  In my opinion, this was not an angelic reason to foster a child.  There are people who foster children only out of the kindness of their hearts and that is truly an angelic quality.  I think most of us lie somewhere in the middle. Many people become foster parents unexpectedly when they take in children who are related to them.  Grandparents who take in their grandchildren fall into this category.  These people really deserve the angel label when they are willing to put aside their own interests to raise a child who is not their own.  There are some people who do it for the money.  I don't believe this is the best reason to foster but as long as there is love and caring involved, it can work too.  In defense of this last one, I think we should remember that daycare is a profession and done for money too.  I fell in love with fostering children with my very first placement because I love children and I could tell immediately how much the child needed to be loved.  My family was able to change a child's life because we opened our door and let her in.  I did end up adopting two beautiful little boys from the foster care system.  A friend told me that I saved their lives.  I am not sure if that is true but they have profoundly changed my life and my family.  If that is the work of an angel, then I will gladly sign up!

Sibling Rivalry

One of the questions I get asked often by people considering entering foster care is, how will my own kids react?  Biological parents face this question each time a new child arrives in the family and it is the same for foster families.  A new child is arriving in the family.  Will the other kids like the child?  Will they get along?  Will they share?  The questions inside a new mother's mind are endless.  My oldest son Michael is 19 and still thinks that he should have been an only child.  He kindly shared this fact with the social worker who was interviewing us for the home study.  As embarrassing as that was, I just decided to be glad he was an honest child and ignore the rest.  He was 11 at the time.  Michael always stands by his statements and never enjoyed the presence of foster kids in our home. Jason was much more easy going about the whole thing and liked having kids around to play with.  Jason has had a much larger challenge than Michael because I fostered a child who is the same age as he is.  This is called twinning and it can be very hard on the biological child.  Jason was 8 years old when Diamond arrive and she was 8 also.  He was spared the worst of it because she was a girl and needed different things than he did.  If Diamond had been a boy, then he would have had to share his stuff a lot more.  I would like to be able to say that my kids loved all the foster kids we had but it just isn't true.  Some they loved, some they hated, and some they tolerated.  This subject was brought to the forefront of our family this weekend when Shelly and Jason had a yelling match in the kitchen, pretty much over my head as I was working on my coupons.  Shelly and Jason are both learning to drive.  That means that they have to share time in the car with me.  Dad is not able to share in the driving tutelage because he drives a manual transmission (smart man).  This rivalry has grown to competition level as they bicker back and forth over who is the better driver and whose turn it is to drive.  The volcano erupted on Saturday when Jason started picking on Shelly because he is grounded from driving and very grumpy about it.  Shelly is a tough girl and more than willing to fight back when attacked.  By the time the yelling match was brought under control they had covered a variety of topics.  Including:  don't call my mother mom, I am not a retard/you are, and I don't like you living here.  Now, if you are looking for sweetness and family love in this blog, you are not always going to find it.  Behind closed doors, families are messy.  Jason has issues and he was voicing them at the top of his lungs.  I think he speaks for most biological kids at some point in their lives.  It is hard to have a stranger living in the house and it is hard to share your mother/father. When this topic comes up in the family, I question my decision to foster.  I wonder if I am doing harm to my own children by trying to help another.  The best answer that I have is I believe that fostering kids has changed my biological children for the better in the long run.  They have been shown an example of kindness and caring by their parents.  They have learned that not all kids have a loving mom and dad and need a hand sometimes.  My daughter Brynna has brought home kids from school in need of help many times.  Michael brought Shelly's abusive situation to our attention because he knew we could help.  As I watch my biological children become adults, I know they have been taught to love one another even if that involves yelling in the kitchen once in awhile. 

Mom, Aunt, Mrs....What is my name?

When you meet your foster child for the first time and exchange of names is at the top of the priority list.  It is important to call the child the name they are comfortable with.  The child might not tell you right away how to address them because it is so personal.  A name is a tricky thing for a foster child.  They might love their name or hate it.  Either way is was given to them by the birth parents and it might be the only thing they will ever get from the birth parents.  A new foster child might use their name to signify the huge change in their lives.  The newest addition to my family is 17 year old Shelly and she is experimenting with us calling her Rochelle.  It is important to honor their name and use it as a sign of respect for their individuality.  I confess to using a lot of honey's and sweeties to show affection or to cover up the fact that the new name doesn't just jump right to mind right away!  In large families children's names are often part of a list when mom needs to access that name quickly.  The foster child is no exception to the name list. 
An issue even larger than what to call the child is what does the child call you?  I happen to like mom but my biological children hate it when a foster child calls me that.  I am their mom and they find it hard to share me sometimes.  Shelly calls me mom and that took some time for everyone to adjust too.  Shelly wants not contact with her birth family and this is her way of drawing a line between the past and the future.  Personally, I think Mrs. McGraw is just to much for someone who eats and sleeps in my home.  I like being called Kristen by a foster child but often this raises eyebrows from other people who hear me called by my first name by a 3 year old.  I have heard that other foster mother's sometimes like Aunt or Auntie which has a nice ring to it.  My name was a big issue for Diamond when she arrived at my house at 8 years old.  She stayed in the same school district and would meet me at the corner after school.  I happened to be the crossing guard for her school and this made our relationship pretty public right from the beginning.  The kids at school wanted to know why Diamond was living with the crossing guard.  Diamond was a tough little gal and told them I was her mother.  That got some laughs because we were obviously not the same color!  She stuck with this story for a long time because she wanted so badly for me to be her real mother.  Eventually she settled on telling friends that I took care of her while her mother was away.  Which was true because her birth mom was an inpatient at a substance abuse facility.  That detail she kept to herself.  Diamond ended up calling me Kristen and I called her honey.  Diamond spent a year living in my home and then returned to her birth mom.  I still miss her and think about her and her beautiful name often. 

Christmas and Foster Kids

Christmas can be hard for any family both financially and emotionally.  Family ties are often stressed by big family get togethers.  Toss a foster child into the mix and things can get very interesting.  My exteneded family had mixed reactions to the news that I am bringing a foster child to Christmas dinner.  One side of the family was welcoming with a "more the merrier!" attitude.  Other branches found things to stress about.  Should they buy a present for the child?  How would the child fit in to the family traditions?  My feelings about Christmas for a foster child involve wondering how the Christmas budget was going to fit one more child in.  The Department of Human Services provides a generous $25 per child.  Yes, that is sarcasm.  $25 dollars just doesn't go very far.  I love my foster kids and I want to provide a proper Christmas for them.  I want to see their eyes light up when they see the stocking filled by Santa.  Every child deserves this in my opinion.  There are wonderful programs out there to help out families in this situation but often registration is required in October.  What about the child in my house who arrived in November?  I have three biological children too who are going to have a nice Christmas.  I want my foster child to feel loved and included in all of our activities.  This is an important time to build trust with the new child in my home.  A foster child wonders if they can trust me to treat them the same as I treat my own children.  A foster child wants to know if the family loves them and Christmas is the perfect time to show that love and create family bonds.  One of my girls told me not to worry about Christmas for her because she was used to not receiving anything.  When I questioned her further she told me that her mother told her that she was too naughty to get anything from Santa.  My heart breaks over statements like that.
Here is what I do.  I find the money from somewhere to give that child a decent Christmas.  I bring the child to all my exteneded family gatherings and educate the family on the amazing difference they can make in this child's life.  It can be uncomfortable at first but everyone can try and it usually works out well in the end.  The payoff for me and for my extended family is when that beautiful little girl looks up from a present and asks, "Is this for me?" followed soon after by, "Can I keep it?"  As her eyes shine, everyone in the room can feel the profound effect a real Christmas has had upon this little girl. 

I am a Foster Parent!

I have been a foster parent, an adoptive parent and a biological parent.  My house and my heart are very full places.  Currently, I have 6 children living in my home ages 19, 17, 17, 15, 6 and 5.  Three I gave birth to, two I adopted and the last one just moved in.  I have experienced the joy and the heartbreak of fostering children and I would like to share that journey with  you.  I should clarify the fact that I am not currently licensed as a foster parent, but I believe that I will always be a foster parent in my heart.  If you noticed above my house is pretty much full of kids and there is not another bedroom to be found.  Since my home is already full of children I decided to go back to college and get my degree in Human Services and work in the field instead.  I graduated in July 2011 and I now work for a local adoption/foster care agency called Hands Across the Water.  The purpose of this blog is to share the positive side of fostering children and the amazing rewards for both the foster parent and the child.