My family is very set in their ways and our traditions are always the same. We have the same food every year because it is just so yummy. Each family member brings the same dish they brought the year before. Mine is cherry jello dessert. My sister is in charge of a fancy salad and my step mom brings crab legs. Really, the only thing that seems to change are the people. Last year we had a foster daughter and a boyfriend attend. This year my father joined us again after living in another state for several years. I enjoy the comforting feeling sameness and I think that foster children who are a part of family enjoy the stability too.
Despite the same traditions, the people involved are always changing. My kids are always growing up and changing. I expect and enjoy that aspect of raising children but now I am noticing that my parents are changing and growing older too. Some things are more difficult for them to do than in years past. The dinner table discussion was very interesting this year. My kids are now young adults and have strong opinions about issues outside of their normal lives. I particularly enjoyed listening to them argue points across the dinner table. My extended family is quite large and we have family members on both sides of every issue. This year's topics of debate included foster parenting in general and LGBT people as foster/adoptive parents.
I enjoy stirring the pot a little bit to get every bit of opinion that I can on foster parenting. Some in my family are still bewildered by the fact that I open my home to other people's children. Some are impressed but would never do it themselves and some of them pitch in and help out in anyway they can. I think it is a good representation of the world in general. My Christmas wish this year is for more people to sign up and give foster parenting a try because there are so many children in need of a home. My sister is sure that she could never do what I do. I wonder if my kids will foster when they have families of their own? A friend and social worker at a meeting I attended stated that often people think about foster parenting for a long time before they take the plunge. That has been my experience also. Foster parenting is a calling of the heart, but sometimes it takes awhile for a person to listen to their heart.
The discussion about LGBT foster parents was quite heated at our table. LGBT stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender. Our dinner discussion reflected both sides of the political debate that is going on in the world today. Personal opinions seem to be set in stone with little room for understanding the other side. Some in the family are completely against it and others prefer to stand up for the personal rights of all people. My extended family has come a long way on this issue because we have learned about it first hand from a family member. I think it is a bumpy road in any family. My opinions and perspective on the matter stem from the needs of a child. Children need families that are willing to love and care for them. Families that are head and shoulders above the abuse and neglectful families they come from. If a person can love and protect a child in need, then my questions end right there.
This year, I enjoyed having all my children with me at the same time. They have busy lives now and are very close to moving out on their own. It felt good to enjoy their company at the same dinner table. I missed those that have moved on the path of life to another family and I wonder who will be at our dinner table next year.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!
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Friday, December 28, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Fostering Teenagers
Please don't stop reading after the title!! I know that nobody wants to talk about teenagers. I am hesitant to write about them because it may cause people to reconsider parenthood entirely (at least my family's stories might!). Most of us love the happily ever after stories with cute babies and toddlers. I love those stories too, but today, the topic of teenagers will not leave my head until I write it down.
It is no secret that the largest number of children in foster care are teenagers. The State of Michigan has worked hard in 2012 to recruit new foster families for all the children in foster care. The new campaign has been very successful from a numbers perspective but many of these new foster homes are empty and not receiving placements. Why? With 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan, I believe that every home should be filled, but that is not the case. Most people who foster children would like a child in the 0-5 years old age range. Fostering to adopt is the most common reason that families become foster parents and the reason I began fostering kids too. It is a wonderful reason to enter the foster care system and help a child. My husband and I welcomed two babies into our home and eventually adopted them. When I think back to the circumstances of their birth, I know that we have changed their lives for the better. Some people foster just to help children and often take in the older kids that have such a hard time finding a home.
When I meet foster parents with older kids, I wonder why they do this. Are they angels? Are they crazy? Everyone knows that teenagers are difficult. Does anyone actually do this voluntarily? I did not foster a teen on purpose, it just fell in my lap. For the record, I think this is a common occurrence. Many people will take a sibling group that includes a teenager they are not quite prepared for. Some people take in teenagers because they know them personally or are related to them. Whatever the circumstances of a teens arrival, it is guaranteed to be an eye opening experience.
My biological children are all in the teenage age range. I thought I knew what I was signing up for ahead of time and I was still surprised. Shelly was a fun person to be around. Unlike a toddler, I could have a meaningful conversation with her. We talked about her goals in life, her friends, her school work, and just a little bit of everything. I could feel her learning from me every day. She enjoyed being a part of our family because she could see how different our family was from her own. She didn't need to learn how to walk or talk, she needed to learn how to drive and how to find a job. She needed guidance and support. This was so refreshing to me! Small children can take so much time and energy to parent. Parenting a teen is a different kind of time and energy. I took her shopping often because she needed clothes and it was fun to watch her shopping style. She was a no nonsense kind of shopper. If she needed pants, we went right to the pants rack. There was no browsing and dreaming of this or that. When she needed a formal dress for a school dance, we went shopping and got the job done. It was so much fun! The down side to parenting Shelly came out quickly because she was very clingy. She was always beside me in everything I did. Sometimes it became too much and I would need to take a break to restock my reserves. During this time of my life it was easier for me to handle than the behavior problems of smaller children.
My husband had a different experience with Shelly. She stayed away from him as much as possible in the beginning. Her father was abusive and this created a natural barrier that she did not want to cross. However, she did come to appreciate his stability. He goes to work everyday and provides an income for our family. She saw this and compared it to her own father who was always between jobs. The walls finally came tumbling down when the two of them set out to purchase her first car. It was wonderful to watch her open up to my husband and appreciate what a father can be. I think that it was so satisfying to parent Shelly because she learned so much from our family. My biological kids rarely appreciate having parents because we have always been there. They naturally take us for granted. Shelly never did. She knew what it was like to have parents who did not take care of her and support her.
I wish more people would give parenting a teen a trial run. I often leave pamphlets at Senior Centers in different towns hoping that people who have already raised their children would like to give an older child a home. Their parenting experience would be a precious gift to a teenager looking for guidance. Actually, anyone can parent an older child. It is much easier than I thought and I gained much more than I gave in the process. It is really something to think about!
It is no secret that the largest number of children in foster care are teenagers. The State of Michigan has worked hard in 2012 to recruit new foster families for all the children in foster care. The new campaign has been very successful from a numbers perspective but many of these new foster homes are empty and not receiving placements. Why? With 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan, I believe that every home should be filled, but that is not the case. Most people who foster children would like a child in the 0-5 years old age range. Fostering to adopt is the most common reason that families become foster parents and the reason I began fostering kids too. It is a wonderful reason to enter the foster care system and help a child. My husband and I welcomed two babies into our home and eventually adopted them. When I think back to the circumstances of their birth, I know that we have changed their lives for the better. Some people foster just to help children and often take in the older kids that have such a hard time finding a home.
When I meet foster parents with older kids, I wonder why they do this. Are they angels? Are they crazy? Everyone knows that teenagers are difficult. Does anyone actually do this voluntarily? I did not foster a teen on purpose, it just fell in my lap. For the record, I think this is a common occurrence. Many people will take a sibling group that includes a teenager they are not quite prepared for. Some people take in teenagers because they know them personally or are related to them. Whatever the circumstances of a teens arrival, it is guaranteed to be an eye opening experience.
My biological children are all in the teenage age range. I thought I knew what I was signing up for ahead of time and I was still surprised. Shelly was a fun person to be around. Unlike a toddler, I could have a meaningful conversation with her. We talked about her goals in life, her friends, her school work, and just a little bit of everything. I could feel her learning from me every day. She enjoyed being a part of our family because she could see how different our family was from her own. She didn't need to learn how to walk or talk, she needed to learn how to drive and how to find a job. She needed guidance and support. This was so refreshing to me! Small children can take so much time and energy to parent. Parenting a teen is a different kind of time and energy. I took her shopping often because she needed clothes and it was fun to watch her shopping style. She was a no nonsense kind of shopper. If she needed pants, we went right to the pants rack. There was no browsing and dreaming of this or that. When she needed a formal dress for a school dance, we went shopping and got the job done. It was so much fun! The down side to parenting Shelly came out quickly because she was very clingy. She was always beside me in everything I did. Sometimes it became too much and I would need to take a break to restock my reserves. During this time of my life it was easier for me to handle than the behavior problems of smaller children.
My husband had a different experience with Shelly. She stayed away from him as much as possible in the beginning. Her father was abusive and this created a natural barrier that she did not want to cross. However, she did come to appreciate his stability. He goes to work everyday and provides an income for our family. She saw this and compared it to her own father who was always between jobs. The walls finally came tumbling down when the two of them set out to purchase her first car. It was wonderful to watch her open up to my husband and appreciate what a father can be. I think that it was so satisfying to parent Shelly because she learned so much from our family. My biological kids rarely appreciate having parents because we have always been there. They naturally take us for granted. Shelly never did. She knew what it was like to have parents who did not take care of her and support her.
I wish more people would give parenting a teen a trial run. I often leave pamphlets at Senior Centers in different towns hoping that people who have already raised their children would like to give an older child a home. Their parenting experience would be a precious gift to a teenager looking for guidance. Actually, anyone can parent an older child. It is much easier than I thought and I gained much more than I gave in the process. It is really something to think about!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
A Foster Child's Chistmas
I am a bit of perfectionist, which gets me in trouble sometimes. I want things to be perfect before I open the door and let anyone in. This is why Christmas can be a difficult time of year for me. The stress of buying just the right Christmas gift and not forgetting anyone on the list is enough to make me want to throw in the towel before I have even begun to shop. When I have foster children in my home over Christmas, my stress level can skyrocket! There are additional gifts to buy. I have to make sure that each child receives about the same number of things so that no one feels like the black sheep of the family. I need to juggle the family events and make sure that extended relatives are prepared for some of the challenges that exist in our home and might happen at their home on this special holiday. My head is spinning even as I am writing it down.
However, children have a completely different perspective on Christmas than adults do. I would like to share some of the experiences I have had with my foster kids that make Christmas life changing for some kids. Shelly spent last Christmas with us and it was eye opening for her. She alternated between excitement with the preparations and boredom. It was an interesting combination. She would get all excited about making and decorating cookies and then quit after doing two of them. She worried about the other kids getting more presents than she would. I think this came from feeling afraid that she would be left out of the festivities. I worried that she would feel uncomfortable or even unloved. It was a difficult stretch of time for both of us.
Shelly was 17 years old at the time and had plenty of memories of Christmas times that had come before. She spoke of years of receiving donated presents that were nice but somewhat unsatisfying. I got the impression that one present picked out by her Dad would have filled her with love in a way that donated presents could not. She spoke of the year her Mother decided that she and her siblings were bad and took away all the donated presents after they had opened them. All I could do was hug her after that story came out. I wanted more than anything to give her at least one good memory of Christmas. I knew that I could not erase what had come before but I was going to give it my best shot no matter what. She went to every family event we had and opened presents with the rest of my kids. She smiled a lot that day. She enjoyed sharing Christmas with my younger children who still believed in Santa. At the end of the day, the presents didn't matter to her. What was really important was being with a family that cared about her. My hope is that she can look back with a smile this Christmas and remembers the joy she felt last year.
I had another foster child leave my home at the end of November to return to her mother. I missed her a great deal as Christmas drew nearer. I was lucky enough to keep in touch with this child and her mother for a short time. The second week of December, I found out that Diamond was not going to get any Christmas presents because her mother had not signed her up in time to receive the donated gifts she had relied on in years past. I quickly spread the word around my church that Diamond was in need of Christmas presents. In less than two weeks, my congregation pulled together enough to fill the back of my car. I recruited my daughter to help me deliver the gifts to Diamond and her mother the day before Christmas. My daughter did not want to go but I roped her in anyway. We struggled to carry the load up the apartment steps and my daughter kept up a steady stream of grumbling all the way. Diamond's mother met us with a smile and showed us where to put them. My daughter fell silent as she took in the bare apartment with just a couch for furniture. There was no television, computer or kitchen table to eat at. It was a very bare existence. Diamond was 8 years old that year and there is no describing the look on her face or the joy when she found out that all the gifts were for her. She had been to church with our family and knew the women who had donated all these presents. It was an incredible moment for me and for her. I hugged Diamond one last time and headed down the stairs with my daughter. She was silent most of way home, only speaking when we pulled in the driveway. She said, "Mom, Diamond had nothing in her home." Her eyes were huge as I looked her and said, "I know." I thanked her for helping me and for helping to make Diamond's Christmas special. Then I sat there and watched her change on the inside right in front of me. She realized in that moment that our family had many things to be thankful for. She realized that not everyone lives the same life that she does. She realized that she had been a sister to Diamond for almost a year and that was a special thing. Brynna was 11 years old that Christmas. She speaks of Diamond every year now even though we have lost contact with her.
Being a foster parent is one of the most special gifts I have experienced at Christmas time. The children I have fostered have changed my life and my children's lives. I believe that my family has changed them for the better too. I hope that you too can sort through the chaos and frenzy of Christmas and find those life changing moments in your children's lives. I hope that you can give the gift becoming a foster parent to a child in need this year.
However, children have a completely different perspective on Christmas than adults do. I would like to share some of the experiences I have had with my foster kids that make Christmas life changing for some kids. Shelly spent last Christmas with us and it was eye opening for her. She alternated between excitement with the preparations and boredom. It was an interesting combination. She would get all excited about making and decorating cookies and then quit after doing two of them. She worried about the other kids getting more presents than she would. I think this came from feeling afraid that she would be left out of the festivities. I worried that she would feel uncomfortable or even unloved. It was a difficult stretch of time for both of us.
Shelly was 17 years old at the time and had plenty of memories of Christmas times that had come before. She spoke of years of receiving donated presents that were nice but somewhat unsatisfying. I got the impression that one present picked out by her Dad would have filled her with love in a way that donated presents could not. She spoke of the year her Mother decided that she and her siblings were bad and took away all the donated presents after they had opened them. All I could do was hug her after that story came out. I wanted more than anything to give her at least one good memory of Christmas. I knew that I could not erase what had come before but I was going to give it my best shot no matter what. She went to every family event we had and opened presents with the rest of my kids. She smiled a lot that day. She enjoyed sharing Christmas with my younger children who still believed in Santa. At the end of the day, the presents didn't matter to her. What was really important was being with a family that cared about her. My hope is that she can look back with a smile this Christmas and remembers the joy she felt last year.
I had another foster child leave my home at the end of November to return to her mother. I missed her a great deal as Christmas drew nearer. I was lucky enough to keep in touch with this child and her mother for a short time. The second week of December, I found out that Diamond was not going to get any Christmas presents because her mother had not signed her up in time to receive the donated gifts she had relied on in years past. I quickly spread the word around my church that Diamond was in need of Christmas presents. In less than two weeks, my congregation pulled together enough to fill the back of my car. I recruited my daughter to help me deliver the gifts to Diamond and her mother the day before Christmas. My daughter did not want to go but I roped her in anyway. We struggled to carry the load up the apartment steps and my daughter kept up a steady stream of grumbling all the way. Diamond's mother met us with a smile and showed us where to put them. My daughter fell silent as she took in the bare apartment with just a couch for furniture. There was no television, computer or kitchen table to eat at. It was a very bare existence. Diamond was 8 years old that year and there is no describing the look on her face or the joy when she found out that all the gifts were for her. She had been to church with our family and knew the women who had donated all these presents. It was an incredible moment for me and for her. I hugged Diamond one last time and headed down the stairs with my daughter. She was silent most of way home, only speaking when we pulled in the driveway. She said, "Mom, Diamond had nothing in her home." Her eyes were huge as I looked her and said, "I know." I thanked her for helping me and for helping to make Diamond's Christmas special. Then I sat there and watched her change on the inside right in front of me. She realized in that moment that our family had many things to be thankful for. She realized that not everyone lives the same life that she does. She realized that she had been a sister to Diamond for almost a year and that was a special thing. Brynna was 11 years old that Christmas. She speaks of Diamond every year now even though we have lost contact with her.
Being a foster parent is one of the most special gifts I have experienced at Christmas time. The children I have fostered have changed my life and my children's lives. I believe that my family has changed them for the better too. I hope that you too can sort through the chaos and frenzy of Christmas and find those life changing moments in your children's lives. I hope that you can give the gift becoming a foster parent to a child in need this year.
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