Bonding is unpredictable

Professionals spend a lot of time teaching about bonding and attachment.  We try very hard to teach a road map of methods for foster parents to use.  I have attended many classes on the subject and I feel confident that I know what I am doing. I have practiced what I have learned on my foster, adopted, and even my birth kids.  However, nothing has prepared me for that moment when bonding it actually happens.

 The bonding trouble in my house is between siblings.  Brynna is my biological daughter and has been the only girl in the family for most of her life.  Any female foster kids have always been younger than Brynna.  She has always enjoyed mothering them with me.  This time around, Shelly has come to our family and she and Brynna are the same age (18).  This is called "twinning" and can produce some extra problems.  The fireworks began immediately.  Brynna has never had to share her girly things like her make up, nail  polish, and flat iron.  Shelly has never had the amount of girls stuff that Brynna has collected.  I have been working this problem for the beginning when Shelly arrived in October 2011.  Right away I took Shelly shopping to get her the things that she needed.  However, girls like to borrow each other's things.  Many battles later, we have formed some ground rules that involvee asking before you borrow and return what you use.  The ironic part of this crazy battle is that Brynna borrows Shelly's things as often as Shelly wants to use Brynna's things.  By Christmas the girls had formed a working relationship that I was not happy with.  They openly expressed disliked for each other and avoided each other at all costs.  Brynna was jealous of any time I spent with Shelly and accused me of replacing her with another daughter that I liked better.  I would grit my teeth and remind Brynna there is room enough in my heart for both daughters.  I dragged out every technique I had been taught.  I expressed my love for each girl.  I spend time separately with each girl.  I took them both out together to encourage a relationship.  I agonized over this problem, wondering if I had destroyed my biological daughter's emotional well-being for life by taking in a foster child.  As summer began, I truly gave up on these two girls forming a sisterly bond.  I learned to live with the animosity and just worked on keeping it from breaking out into open warfare. 

At this point I only have two choices.  I can keep trudging down this road where the entire family is affected by hatred these girls have for each other.  Or I can disrupt the placement and remove Shelly from our home.  This is a question that foster parents need to face sometimes.  There are times when preserving the family becomes more important than helping a foster child.  It is an awful decision to have to make.  In addition, Shelly has some very specific circumstances that most kids do not have.  I could not simply call my social worker and have a new foster family found for her.  However, potential foster parents need to know that when there is trouble of this kind, your workers should be kept informed.  The agency will work to provided services and support to work through these difficulties.  Then if the situation is still impossible, the child can be placed in another foster home. 

By the end of June I was still dragging my feet and trying to figure out what to do.  Shelly is not a legal foster child, she is just a teenager that I took in from an abusive situation.  My options are limited and I frankly don't know what to do.  I had planned a trip to Cedar Point as a birthday present for Jason who is turning 16.  He also wanted to leave Shelly at home and not include her in a family outing.  This is against my parenting rules and not allowed.  My solution was to allow each teenager to take a friend.  Then using the buddy system, I could turn them loose at Cedar Point.  It is a big place and I figured that they couldn't possibly continue the fight at the best amusement park around.  Silly me!  Jason and his buddy took off for the day and had a great time.  Thanks goodness.  Brynna and her friend made it until dinner time riding the rides together and seeming to have a good time.  After dinner, Brynna's friend took off without a cell phone refusing to hang out with Brynna any longer.  Cedar Point is a big place and I was in a panic wondering how I was going to find this girl with no cell phone.  Then Shelly's buddy pulled the same stunt.  She is gone into the acreage at Cedar Point with no cell phone.  Now here is the crazy unbelievable part of this plot.  Shelly and Brynna team up, united in their anger at their respective friends.  They set out to find them and drag them back to the car by the 10:00pm curfew I had set.  Several hours later, the two girls arrive back towing their misplaced friends and acting like the best buddies in the world.  Now, several weeks later, the girls go shopping together, share their stuff, and hang out together like they have always been the best of friends.  I am left shaking my head in bewilderment??  What happened??

My two daughters are now enjoying being sisters.  The hatred is completely gone.  I am going to take some credit for this miraculous change just because I persevered and kept trying new things.  However, the reality is that the stars just aligned in the proper line and things changed.  The best explanation I have is the old wives tales, "nobody can hate my sister except me."  Training to be a foster parent is very, very important.   You do not know what circumstances are going to unfold with each placement.  Learn as much as you can about a variety of subjects.  When you land in the middle of chaos, ask questions, ask for help, and do not give up.  Let your social worker and the agency help you.  Good things often come from chaos.  I am hoping that chaos will take a vacation from my home for awhile.  I have had more than enough!

Summer and my large family

My house has been crazy since school let out for the summer.  Every year, I am as bad as the kids and get all excited about summer vacation.  About one week into summer, after I have slept in for a few days and done a little extra cleaning, I look around and panic.  There are six children in my house who are starting to get bored.  My oldest is self occupying with a job and classes (I can check him off the list).  Then next child in line is Brynna.  She has graduated from cosmetology school and is looking for a job.  She is going to have lots of down time (I can see the battles ahead already!).  Shelly is next and all of her friends are in Monroe, which is 30 minutes away from my house and not an easy drop off place.  She is also looking for a job.  Jason has a friend on every corner in our small town and frequently brings home a friend or two (that just adds to the number of kids in my house on any given day).  Nathan and Dylan are still young enough to need planned play dates and entertaining on a regular basis.  Summer is shaping up to be busier than the school year, I think.  The second week of summer begins with me cursing the dishwasher because the kids are using enough dishes to run it twice a day.  They are eating food at a rapid rate and the swimming pool towels are every where!  The Grandmother's (my mother, my step-mother, and my mother-in-law) all recommend putting those children to work.   This is a fine idea but all of them have forgotten the amount of organization and motivational tactics required to engage six children in summer chores.  However, I am feeling strong at the beginning of the summer so the charts go up and the nagging begins.  Bartering, treats and bribes are all high on my list of motivational tactics.  Pretty soon things are shaping up nicely around here.  I hope I can remain strong and consistent the whole summer.  My husband knows me better than that and reminds me that my pretty charts are usually under the refrigerator by August.  I just ignore him for now.
The middle of June seems to bring in the buddies and neighborhood friends.  Imagine this for a minute.  Each child in the family brings home a friend for dinner or to spend the night.  That would amount to twelve children in my house for the evening.  It looks something like this.  Michael has two buddies over to work on a car in the garage.  It looks like they are doing more socializing than mechanical work.  Brynna is coloring her best friend's hair in the bathroom.  I hope her mother doesn't mind but I don't have time to call and check.  Shelly is watching a movie in the family room with her friend and it looks like it is not a family film as usual.  Shelly likes the scary movies, which are far to scary for the little boys to watch.  Speaking of the boys, they are in the pool with two friends from down the street.  Jason has two friends playing xbox in his room.  The tally count at 4:00 pm on a Friday afternoon is......fourteen kids hanging at my house!  I quickly do a mental count of weeks left until school starts.  Since that is too far off, the next best thing is a vacation.
Vacation is the best way I know of to get rid of all the extra kids hanging out at my house.  Except it does not work out as well as it used to.  My older kids do not want to go on vacation with Mom and Dad anymore,  They have decided we are boring.  I am not bothered by this at all and continue planning a vacation.  At this point I have decided that what I really need is a vacation from the children (and the dishes) and I will be glad to leave a large number of them behind.  My husband packs up the car, I load the two little boys in the back and leave a detailed list of instructions on the refrigerator, that could be shortened up to "Don't forget to feed the dogs!" and we head up north for a vacation as a family of four.  Traveling with just four people seems almost a luxury of relaxation.  Sitting on the beach reminds me that Summer really is the best time of year after all, until I get home and it starts all over again.  I think I am going to need another vacation around the first of August.  Large families are not for the faint of heart.