Fostering children is a common way to build a family. Many couples have one or two biological children but experience secondary infertility. That lovely phrase means that for some reason, sometimes unexplainable, a couple is unable to become pregnant even though they have already had a child. This is what happened to me. I gave birth to three children and all I wanted was one more, but for whatever reason it never happened. I did try several fertillity treatments but stopped when it became obvious that this path was going nowhere. I wanted to foster and I wanted to adopt. So I did and I am content and happy with my choices and so is my husband. But are my birth kids as happy as I am?
If a stranger was looking in my front window, he would see siblings playing together, or fighting, or tattling on each other. He would see normal family interactions and probably would not question what he sees until someone whispers, "the little ones are adopted!" All of a sudden, there is an elephant in the room. Do the older children resent the younger adopted kids? Then the stranger finds out there is a foster child in there too. Oh my! Do the older kids hate sharing their house and their parents with a foster child? It sounds absolutely ridiculous when I describe it that way. However, I have had people ask me these questions. Sometimes the questions come from extended family members and sometimes from strangers. People who are considering fostering often ask these kinds of questions.
For everyone involved (except the nosy stranger) these are important questions to consider. Bringing a foster child into your home changes your whole family dynamic and if you address these questions ahead of time you will be better prepared for some trouble spots ahead. The first piece of advice that I share with people is that this is just like having a baby. The family changes and stretches to accomadate this new small person. In fostering, the child may be 12 years old but the family still grows and changes to fit the new dynamic. My oldest son was 4 years old when his brother was born. Michael thought that this new brother was the best thing in the whole world. Until I brought him home from the hospital and I was too busy feeding the baby to read him a story. The excitement was immediately gone and the power struggle began for mom's attention. That power struggle still pops up once in awhile even though Michael is 20 and Jason is 16! The story repeats itself when I fostered a four year old boy. My daughter thought he was fabulous to play with and enjoyed taking care of him until one of his visits with his birth parents happened during one of her softball games. Dad was able to attend the softball game while I took the little guy to the visit. But jealousy reared its ugly head and Brynna was pretty mad for awhile. The moral of the story is that no child really wants to share their parents with a sibling or a foster child. Kids just aren't built that way. It is part of life's lessons to learn to share and grow up with a sibling. It does not matter how the sibling arrives from my point of view.
The new child, of any age, will be loved and will be hated at some point in the journey. Just as new parents prepare a child for the birth of a sibling, so should they prepare the biological kids for a new placement. Let the kids participate in the process. Ask them if they would like a baby or an older child to play with. Ask them if they are comfortable sharing a room. Let them have possessions that do not have to be shared to help them maintain their own identity. You may not be able to meet all of their requests but allowing your child to talk about things they like and things they don't like helps them feel important and part of the process. If a biological child is having a hard time adjusting to a new placement, spend some alone time with the child and allow them to talk about their frustrations. Remind them how much you love them and explain that your love will never change. Many problems can be solved with a simple reminder of love. Most importantly, keep yourself strong by reminding yourself that you would not send a newborn baby back to the hospital if big brother didn't like him.
By building my family through foster care, I have chosen a unique path that many people don't understand. The path I have chosen is different from from giving birth to biological children, but I know many of the potholes are the same. I also know that my biological children are more compassionate and more loving because of their journey down this path with me.
Blog Picture
Friday, June 29, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Attachment Issues
A lot of educational classes are offered on the topic of attachment for potential adoptive parents. This topic can fill several hours of training all on its own. I remember wondering if attachment was going to be a problem for our family when we finally received our placement. The topic was so worrisome that I remember thinking that I would just have to cross that bridge when I came to it. I never received that hoped for placement and soon entered the world of foster care where the word attachment has a completely different meaning.
Many people have said to me that they could never do foster care because they are afraid they will grow so attached to the child that it would be heartbreaking to let them go. I understand this statement completely and I struggle for a good answer to this conundrum. A foster parent's job is to welcome a child with open arms, make them a part of the family, love them like our own, and then let them go. When I became a foster parent, my intention was to adopt the child, so I brushed under the rug idea of letting go. (Hmmm, I am beginning to see a pattern here.)
Before I share my story, I think it is important to point out the importance of attachment from a foster child's point of view. Many foster kids have never been shown unconditional love or formed a bond of trust with their birth parents. They have a desperate need to be loved and to trust an adult but they do not know how to create this bond. Studies have shown that if children do not learn to love and trust someone in childhood, that they may not be able to form attachments as an adult. The results are heartbreaking as these adults often become unable to function in society with mental health issues and many instances of criminal behavior. Teaching a child how to love and trust is a critical part of a foster parent's job. Keeping ourselves closed off and separate from our foster kids is truly not an option. I found it impossible anyway to shut down my mothering instinct. I was just unable to not respond with love towards a child who needed it so much.
I talk about Diamond a lot in my blog because she is my heartbreak child. She came to our family at 8 years old and stayed 11 months. I poured my soul into her and then sent her back to her mother. Her mother was a recovering alcoholic who worked very hard to fight her addiction. She earned the right to have her child come home by following her treatment plan and meeting all the goals set by the social worker. Alcoholism is a lifetime addiction and I knew the risks of Diamond returning home. The potential risks for Diamond kept me awake at night and I remember holding my hands tightly behind my back when she left my house to keep myself from pulling her back home as she walked away. Within a month, Diamond and her mother moved to another state and I lost contact with her. I heard through the grapevine, that Diamond had entered foster care again several years later. My heart broke all over again that she was in another state and I was unable to help her. Diamond will be 16 on June 25 and I hope that she has found a home and a family with all my heart.
Enough of the heartbreak and on to the practical side of things. When Diamond left my house, I loved her and she loved me. I taught her not to steal things that she wanted and I taught her how to trust that I would always have food to eat in the house. She learned how to get along with siblings and treat animals with love. She learned to swim and I learned how to do her hair (she was biracial and had the most challenging hair I have ever worked with!). As I look back now, the rewards for her and I far outweighed the heartbreak. I made a difference in her life and she made a difference in mine.
Here is my answer to people who say they are unable to face the heartbreak. When you open your heart to a child in the foster care system, you can change a child's life. You can show them the power of love and trust. You can help the child become a true human being. I hope that I get to see Diamond again and give her one more hug to remind her of the power of love. I will never forget her love.
Many people have said to me that they could never do foster care because they are afraid they will grow so attached to the child that it would be heartbreaking to let them go. I understand this statement completely and I struggle for a good answer to this conundrum. A foster parent's job is to welcome a child with open arms, make them a part of the family, love them like our own, and then let them go. When I became a foster parent, my intention was to adopt the child, so I brushed under the rug idea of letting go. (Hmmm, I am beginning to see a pattern here.)
Before I share my story, I think it is important to point out the importance of attachment from a foster child's point of view. Many foster kids have never been shown unconditional love or formed a bond of trust with their birth parents. They have a desperate need to be loved and to trust an adult but they do not know how to create this bond. Studies have shown that if children do not learn to love and trust someone in childhood, that they may not be able to form attachments as an adult. The results are heartbreaking as these adults often become unable to function in society with mental health issues and many instances of criminal behavior. Teaching a child how to love and trust is a critical part of a foster parent's job. Keeping ourselves closed off and separate from our foster kids is truly not an option. I found it impossible anyway to shut down my mothering instinct. I was just unable to not respond with love towards a child who needed it so much.
I talk about Diamond a lot in my blog because she is my heartbreak child. She came to our family at 8 years old and stayed 11 months. I poured my soul into her and then sent her back to her mother. Her mother was a recovering alcoholic who worked very hard to fight her addiction. She earned the right to have her child come home by following her treatment plan and meeting all the goals set by the social worker. Alcoholism is a lifetime addiction and I knew the risks of Diamond returning home. The potential risks for Diamond kept me awake at night and I remember holding my hands tightly behind my back when she left my house to keep myself from pulling her back home as she walked away. Within a month, Diamond and her mother moved to another state and I lost contact with her. I heard through the grapevine, that Diamond had entered foster care again several years later. My heart broke all over again that she was in another state and I was unable to help her. Diamond will be 16 on June 25 and I hope that she has found a home and a family with all my heart.
Enough of the heartbreak and on to the practical side of things. When Diamond left my house, I loved her and she loved me. I taught her not to steal things that she wanted and I taught her how to trust that I would always have food to eat in the house. She learned how to get along with siblings and treat animals with love. She learned to swim and I learned how to do her hair (she was biracial and had the most challenging hair I have ever worked with!). As I look back now, the rewards for her and I far outweighed the heartbreak. I made a difference in her life and she made a difference in mine.
Here is my answer to people who say they are unable to face the heartbreak. When you open your heart to a child in the foster care system, you can change a child's life. You can show them the power of love and trust. You can help the child become a true human being. I hope that I get to see Diamond again and give her one more hug to remind her of the power of love. I will never forget her love.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Tell Your Story!
I love to talk about adoption and foster care. I will talk about it with anyone who is interested enough to listen. Why? Because adoption is the stuff of miracles and foster care is the path that led to the adoptions of my two little boys. I have proof that I am willing to talk to anyone now because a reporter for Heritage News starting asking me questions that resulted in a wonderful newspaper article on our family that was published this week. Here is the link if you are interested:
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.heritage.com%2Farticles%2F2012%2F06%2F02%2Fmilan_news_leader%2Fnews%2Fdoc4fca34c8e3ca9712585342.txt%3Fviewmode%3Ddefault&h=NAQElvoavAQHGtRC3QgnRx7-UqnlYfY212RclMN7pbPbyEw.
The result of having my family's story splashed across a newspaper was that a LOT of people saw it. Then my friends picked it up on facebook, then it went to their friends and so on. I am hoping that my neighbors down the street read it because then they may finally understand the large number of cars in my driveway! There are three teenagers driving in my household and one more in training. That translates to five cars coming and going all day at my house. I am sure people must wonder what is really going on at this end of the street.
During my week of popularity, I had the strangest experience. I attended a picnic/field trip event that was held by my 7 year old son's teacher for all the children in her class. The kids played games and had lunch. Parents helped out and visited with each other. I was deep in conversation with another lady that I had worked with before, when I noticed a Dad patiently waiting to talk to me. I had no idea who he was but he seemed to know me. He said that I looked familiar, which happens to me a lot. I am the crossing guard at the elementary school in my small town. A lot of people see me every day and then can't put their finger on where they have seen me before. I explained and then he immediately began to tell me about his experience adopting his daughter from Russia. I swear, I did not say one word about foster care or adoption to prompt this story. His story had some fascinating details about traveling to Russia three different times and agonizing over the medical issues his child had been diagnosed with. I can barely imagine sitting in a foreign country listening to someone tell me that the child I already loved had a heart defect and hepatitis C. He and his wife went through a long night deciding whether to accept or decline the adoption. They decided to go ahead with the adoption and brought the child home. Doctor's at the University of Michigan examined her and found no trace of a heart defect or hepatitis C. What a story! What a miracle!
Our conversation ended very quickly after when the kids came to pull us away. I was left wondering what prompted this man to share such a personal story with me? I am very glad that he did because I had a moment to explain that my son was adopted also. Later, I asked my son if he was friends with this little girl and pointed out that she had been adopted too. He thought that was very cool and connected with her the next day. Everyone in the adoption/foster care world has a story of tangled events that result in a miracle. I hope that everyone shares their story, when they can, to raise awareness and to educate others about this special journey.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.heritage.com%2Farticles%2F2012%2F06%2F02%2Fmilan_news_leader%2Fnews%2Fdoc4fca34c8e3ca9712585342.txt%3Fviewmode%3Ddefault&h=NAQElvoavAQHGtRC3QgnRx7-UqnlYfY212RclMN7pbPbyEw.
The result of having my family's story splashed across a newspaper was that a LOT of people saw it. Then my friends picked it up on facebook, then it went to their friends and so on. I am hoping that my neighbors down the street read it because then they may finally understand the large number of cars in my driveway! There are three teenagers driving in my household and one more in training. That translates to five cars coming and going all day at my house. I am sure people must wonder what is really going on at this end of the street.
During my week of popularity, I had the strangest experience. I attended a picnic/field trip event that was held by my 7 year old son's teacher for all the children in her class. The kids played games and had lunch. Parents helped out and visited with each other. I was deep in conversation with another lady that I had worked with before, when I noticed a Dad patiently waiting to talk to me. I had no idea who he was but he seemed to know me. He said that I looked familiar, which happens to me a lot. I am the crossing guard at the elementary school in my small town. A lot of people see me every day and then can't put their finger on where they have seen me before. I explained and then he immediately began to tell me about his experience adopting his daughter from Russia. I swear, I did not say one word about foster care or adoption to prompt this story. His story had some fascinating details about traveling to Russia three different times and agonizing over the medical issues his child had been diagnosed with. I can barely imagine sitting in a foreign country listening to someone tell me that the child I already loved had a heart defect and hepatitis C. He and his wife went through a long night deciding whether to accept or decline the adoption. They decided to go ahead with the adoption and brought the child home. Doctor's at the University of Michigan examined her and found no trace of a heart defect or hepatitis C. What a story! What a miracle!
Our conversation ended very quickly after when the kids came to pull us away. I was left wondering what prompted this man to share such a personal story with me? I am very glad that he did because I had a moment to explain that my son was adopted also. Later, I asked my son if he was friends with this little girl and pointed out that she had been adopted too. He thought that was very cool and connected with her the next day. Everyone in the adoption/foster care world has a story of tangled events that result in a miracle. I hope that everyone shares their story, when they can, to raise awareness and to educate others about this special journey.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)