Home Inspection for a Foster Care License

Before I launch into my monthly thoughts about foster care and the latest topic of home inspections, I want to share a quick update on my son Jason.  I am happy to report that he is doing very well.   He has been meeting with his probation officer as required and has made progress on arranging community service for himself.   The best part of probation requirements for me are the monthly drug tests.   He is required to be tested each time he visits with his probation officer.  This removes the responsibility from my shoulders and also assures me that he is drug free.   At least for now.  To his credit, he is proud of his clean drug tests.  For other parents navigating the world of probation, the probation office does not report on his progress to me unless I call and ask.  This fact makes me a little crazy as a mother because my son is still a minor.  Apparently the age of 17 is a shady zone where teachers still report on his progress and he can drive a car but he can be arrested and jailed without the knowledge of his parents.  This really bugs me because he is either a minor or he isn't and I want to know what is going on at all times!  I am truly happy with his progress but I also have not let go of my doubts about his future.  He has been through probation as a juvenile offender and did well then too.  It did not stop him from using drugs after probation was finished back then and I am worried that he will go right back to old habits as he did before.  I have set up some counseling for him and I am hoping that it will make a difference in the long run.  One of the hardest lessons that I have learned from parenting teenagers is that they progress in baby steps and often take a few steps back before moving forward.  I am just going to remain in a holding pattern for awhile and enjoy my drug free son for now.

 

This week's topic is about home inspections that are done by a worker as part of the licensing process to become a foster parent.  I remember when mine was done because it was very stressful.   I remember cleaning the house from top to bottom, including the closets.  At that time, I had three children between the ages of 10 and 6 years old and 2 dogs.  Keeping a clean house with that many children and animals was a significant challenge.  When I say "clean house" I am not just talking about picked up rooms and a clean kitchen with no dirty pans in the sink.  I am referring to the kind of clean that only happens when I am selling my house.   This includes, no clutter, shiny floors, no stains on the carpet and neat closets.  I will freely admit that this level of clean in my house does not happen on a daily basis.  It was very stressful for me and I know it is stressful for others as well.

The home visit is usually done right at the beginning of the process.  It is an opportunity for the social worker to get to know the family and get some paperwork done at the same time.  I will call and schedule about a 2 hour visit to complete the entire inspection.  I am always careful to let the family know that I will want to see the entire home and take some measurements.  I also will want to measure the temperature of the water to ensure that the water heater is set appropriately.  I believe in giving fair warning to give the family time to prepare but some workers may not.  I recommend that a new foster family ask what each visit will involve so that there are no surprises.

In Michigan (rules may vary by state) all potential foster families receive a rule book called, "Licensing Rules For Foster Family Homes and Foster Family Group Homes for Children."  This book contains a complete list of all rules and regulations that a foster home must meet before the licensing process is complete.  It is green if you want to pick it out quickly from the stack of paperwork you probably already have.  The four page check list carried by the social worker is entirely based upon these rules.   And now we have reached the place where the social worker in me crashes head first into the foster parent I used to be.   The foster parent me can't believe that some of these rules actually had to be written down, while the social worker  in me is worried that someone may actually break these rules and harm a child.  Most of these rules are common sense issues.  The home has to be up to building code standards to be a foster home.  You will need hot and cold running water and a reliable sewer system to be a foster family.  Believe it or not, some people don't always have these things.  Smoke detectors and a carbon monoxide detector are also required.  These things make perfect sense to me.  What doesn't make sense is the list of places that do not qualify as a bedroom.  The list includes:  the hallway, a closet, a stairway (on top of or under like Harry Potter!) a garage, or a shed.  Who would use a shed as a bedroom in this world?  Apparently someone did because now there is a rule in the rule book for it. 

What is the social worker really looking for during the home inspection?  We are looking for a safe and healthy environment for a child.  I know that my families are going to clean and stress over the visit but they do not need to go overboard to scrub and organize every inch.   I do not need to look in your closets (unless there is suspicious smell coming from there) and I will not disqualify you for spider webs in the corner or the stain on the carpet that is permanent.  You made need to finish up the bathroom that you have been remodeling for a long time or complete the half finished deck outside.   A worker will make these recommendations as part of the home tour to help you understand the rules and not to pass judgment on your personal living space.  Licensing workers have seen been to a lot of homes as part of their jobs.  It is safe to say that we have seen some crazy things.  The odds are good that your home is not going to stand out as one of the crazy ones if you truly care about helping a child.  The reality of foster care is that your home will become an open book as part of the process.  Licensing workers are only the start of the parade of people who will visit your home.  A case worker will come once a month, the child's lawyer will visit before each court date and many service providers will use your home as a meeting place.  Don't let this scare you away from the process.  Social workers and lawyers have homes with flaws too.  My most embarrassing moment happened when my foster son's lawyer came for a visit.  I picked up and ran the vacuum to make my family room presentable for company and went to answer the door.  By the time I had answered the door and he had removed his shoes, my dog had thrown up on the carpet, right in front of the chair that I would have put him in!  He was a good sport as I quickly cleaned it up and moved him into the kitchen, that I had not prepared for company.   Thank goodness he didn't mind when I had to move the breakfast dishes from the table that I had left in order to clean up the family room for him and he even held the baby through the entire incident. I didn't die of embarrassment as I thought that I might but I did learn to prepare both the family room and the kitchen for a visit, just in case!

I know that there are people out there who always have a neat and clean home that is ready for company at a moment's notice.  My mother is proudly one of those people and I admire her for it.  I proudly admit that I am not one of those people (and my mother knows this about me too!).    I have too many children and pets to even dream of staying ahead of the mess created by day to day living.  However, my home is a safe, mostly clean, loving environment to raise children in and that is what a child coming into foster care really needs.   So try and let go of some of that stress that is rolling around inside you at the thought of a stranger looking at your home.  As I have said before, there are not enough foster parents in the State of Michigan to take care of all the children in need of homes.  You do not have to be perfect or have the perfect home to be a foster parent.   We will accept you as you are!

Honesty Comes with a Price Tag

My readers often leave comments that show their appreciation for my honesty.  I love those comment because they encourage me to continue writing and it is a great feeling to know that I can help others with this crazy life of mine.  However, I often sit in front of my computer and wonder how I am going to share my latest thoughts without sharing more than I really intend to.  For instance, I am pretty sure that most of my co-workers, personal friends, and my church family are regular readers.   As I was writing my last post, Motherhood is Complicated, I really thought hard about writing about my son and his current challenges.  Did I really want to announce  that my child had been arrested and I was in agony over his choices to everyone?    Not really!  I chose to be more subtle than a direct statement by the time the post was complete.  However, I have had a change of heart since I wrote that last post.   One of the perks of reading the blog of a stranger is getting to peek in someone else's window.   For me as a reader, it is about connecting with someone who may be going through the same things that I am and learning from their experiences.   So I have decided that as a writer I would like to be as honest as I can be to help others who want to become foster parents.

So now I am going to serve up some real honesty about my son and his situation even if it gets a little embarrassing to do so.   Jason is 17 years old and a very friendly guy.  He loves people and he has many friends.  His teacher's love having him in class, even though he is an under achieving student (that translates to borderline failing sometimes).  He gives me a hug everyday just because he wants too.  For this mother, he has been a joy to raise until he became a teenager.  Jason's biggest flaw is that he bows to peer pressure far too easily.   I believe following his friends into the world of cigarettes, then marijuana, and now maybe some prescription pills was his downfall.  I am not saying that Jason is not at fault for the decisions that he has made but I do believe that it started because he just didn't say no.  It can be very humiliating to share the details of Jason's struggle because I spend plenty of time wondering what I did wrong and judging myself as a parent.  I am just too raw and wounded to take words about the situation from anyone else.  As a parent, I am always working on Jason's problems.  He has many problems in school and it is an on-going project to keep him in high school with passing grades.  This year he started his senior year at the third high school of his academic career.  I am sure I will post in the future about helping a troubled child to become a success in school.   Right now I am helping him navigate probation and community service as a consequence of his arrest.  Counseling and substance abuse help are also rotating through his life.   I have reluctantly acquired a great deal of knowledge about how to help a troubled teenager. 

I am sharing Jason's story with my readers because life is not perfect and sometimes the life of foster parent becomes much more difficult that ever imagined.   In fact, many of my clients start out with stars in their eyes hoping to bring home their perfect forever child.  Yes, that does happen but that perfect child brings their own personality and past trauma with them.  Good social workers are open and honest about each child entering a new family.   However, the reality of foster care is that social workers often do not have much information before the child is placed.  I had a child placed in my home for two weeks before I found out that I was calling this beautiful baby by the wrong name!  The birth parents had used a fake name when dealing with child protective services.  Thankfully, the child doesn't remember that little mix up!  Regardless of where the child came from there are unknown challenges ahead in the journey of parenting.  Jason happens to be my biological child but I have faced challenging behavior from my foster children too.  I know that he grew up in a loving environment and was taught about the dangers of drug use because I was there!  If there is a perfect child out there, I have yet to find him or her.  Adoptive and foster parents should realize that there will be challenges ahead and they should be fully committed to work through the issues.   Putting the child back on a plane to Russia or selling the child to someone else are not available options to those of us who are not insane.  I confess to some serious self pity and a full day (or two) of wondering why this would happen in my family but I forced myself to get over that quickly and buckle in to figure out what to do next. 

Being a foster mom has taught me that there is always a solution to a situation.  I am not sure what it is but I work hard to find it.  Start with your agency resources.  Call your case worker.  Go to support group where you can talk freely about what is going on in your home.  Other foster moms often have ideas to share.  These woman are miracle workers when it comes to bed wetting, hoarding and public tantrums.  In Jason's case, I received very valuable advice from an unexpected source.  Jason was required to go to court and refused to allow me to get him a lawyer.  I was scared to death he was going to be tossed straight into jail.  The prosecuter (of all people!) called us into his office before Jason was to see the judge and walked us through the process.  He advised me to participate in probation meetings and to not be afraid to call and request a drug test if I felt it was necessary.  I felt like I had some power again and some tools to use to help my son and it lifted a portion of the burden off of my shoulders. 

 

I have found that the price of honesty is worth paying because other people are willing to lend a hand or a good piece of advice and share the burden.  The youth leader at my church is willing to encourage Jason to come to youth night again.   My best friend is willing to listen to my woes at lunch and lend a shoulder to cry on.   Once the probation officer knew that Jason's parents wanted to be a part of the process, her entire attitude changed.  Yes, I am embarrassed, okay mortified is a better word.  But if I were to keep this burden all to myself, I would not have found these wonderful people who are so willing to lend a hand. The best reward of all is that I have found some hope again and the strength to keep fighting my way through this challenge.   I will keep all of you posted and hope that I have some better news to share about Jason in my next post.