Visitation with Birth Parents, Part I

I believe that I have written before about becoming a foster parent to adopt a child.  During the course of my training, the topic of visitation with birth parents was never discussed.  I don't know whether this topic was omitted or avoided, but the result was that I felt completely blindsided when a visit with birth mom was scheduled for me and my new foster baby.  Dylan was 3 months old when he arrived at my home.  The most notable characteristic about Dylan was that he was hungry.  He was a very affectionate and cuddly baby but he always wanted a bottle.  He either had one or wanted one.  There was no in between time when he was happy, full and content.  At three months old he weighed just over 7 pounds and he was tiny!.  This was a baby who failed to thrive because his parents didn't feed him.  You can imagine my surprise when visitation was scheduled.  After two weeks of around the clock bottles for this baby, I had formed some very negative opinions about his birth parents.  My social worker told me that all I had to do was bring the baby to DHS (Department of Human Services) and hand him to her.  She would take him in for a one hour visit and then I could pick him up again.  At this point, I have to confess that as a foster parent I was never able to keep myself separate from my foster kids.  From the moment they arrived in my home I felt protective of them.  Since Dylan was just a tiny hungry baby, this feeling was twice as strong.  The thought of dropping him off made me feel nauseous.  However, I knew this was part of my job as a professional parent.  I kept repeating the words, reunification to myself over and over.  After all, the primary goal of fostering a child is to help a family get back together again.  The protective mother bear feelings came as a big surprise to me.  I did not expect to feel that strongly about this child.  Dylan was supposed to be a short term placement and prospects looked good for his return to his birth family.  I knew from the beginning that I was not going to be able to adopt him.  Where did those strong feelings come from?  The best explanation I have is that as a woman, I am built to be a mother.  I have discovered over the years that I will mother anyone who comes in my door.  Anyone could be defined as a foster child, the little girl from next door or a teenage friend.  I will feed them and make sure they have a coat on.  I just cannot shut off the mother switch.  Dylan's fragile state when he arrived intensified my feelings of protectiveness.  I did not trust his birth parents, so I had put my trust in my social worker.  It was the longest hour of my life as I sat in the parking lot waiting for Dylan to be returned to me.  When a foster parent opens their home to a child, they also open their hearts.  It is this kind heart that has led us to help a child in need in the first place.  This kind heart is our best asset despite the fact that it opens us up to pain when the child leaves or fear when we need to put the child in someone else's hands temporarily.  The loving heart is what gets us through the rough spots and helps us provide a loving home to a stranger.  Do not fight those feelings when they come.  Embrace them and the child and let things work themselves out.  After all, things happen very slowly in foster care, but that is the subject of another post.