Who is Watching?

When a foster child enters my home, my family is immediately under the public spotlight.  Friends and family will notice right way that I have an extra child and start asking questions.  In my case, the cashier's down at Kroger always seem to know when my family has expanded and point it out to me. My family is a very public family because we are active in our community and I am standing at the corner twice a day in front of the elementary school as the crossing guard. This is good because I love my community and it is very supportive.  However, it has a down side because when people are paying attention to your family it draws criticism.  It is important to realize that when you become a foster family, everyone is now watching your family and act accordingly. 

Who is watching?

 The first and most important new party involved in your private life is your social work agency.  The child placed in your home will have a case worker assigned to him or her that will visit once a month. Their job is to communicate with the child, listen to your concerns and generally monitor your home.  This same case worker is assigned the child's birth family and will facilitate visitation and communication between the child and his/her family.  If this worker witnesses something that falls outside of the foster care rules and regulations, she will address the issue. Remember that the agency and the case worker are not out to personally attack your family.  It is their job to ensure that the child is placed in a safe and loving home.  Some of the foster care rules may seem just a little nuts but they are there for the safety of the child and to protect you too.  One of my favorite weird rules is the one that states you cannot use a garage as a bedroom area.  This may seem like this is stating the obvious, but someone, somewhere must have gotten the bright idea to put a bed in the garage and call it a bedroom.  This is wrong on so many levels!  If you want to use the square footage of your garage, do a proper remodel with a ceiling, floor, closet and windows.  The most important rule for your protection as a foster family is having a fire alarm on every floor.  This protects your own family as well as the foster child.  Fire can happen to anyone and easy to detect.  Please don't get mad when the agency asks you to spend money and add them to your home.

The second party involved in your life are the child's birth parents.  I realize that my last statement may raise all kinds of red flags in your brain and that is normal.  It is important to understand that the birth family does not just disappear or have no say in their child's care.  They can and they do have opinions about everything that you do.  As a foster family, you can choose the level of involvement that you have with your foster child's family according to your comfort level.  Even if you choose to have no contact with the family, you will still have to get permission through the caseworker to do simple things like cutting the child's hair.  Until an adoption is finalized, it is very important to remember that you are caring for someone else's child.  This fact is very hard to remember when the child is in your home 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  If the birth parent finds a suspicious mark or bruise on the child, they will contact the caseworker.  Birth parents can be very appreciative of your family caring for their child, or they may not be and report every little thing they see.

The third party now involved in your personal life, I have already mentioned, and that is the general public.  Foster families are not positively represented by the news media.  The media always jumps on the worst representation of our group and abusive foster families make great news stories.   In addition, the foster child may have behavioral issues that you are working on but look very bad when doing the grocery shopping and the child has a melt down.  Firmly removing the child from the store can easily be misconstrued as abuse by a stranger who may be overly sensitive.  For example, the best method to remove a child from a public place is to take their hand and lead them out.  A child in full blown tantrum mode is going to require physically picking them up or a firm grip on the arm to make some forward motion.  The child will resist by pulling back and you will respond by tightening the grip and pulling harder.  None of which is abuse or against the rules in foster care.  However, a stranger will only see your struggle with the child or you yanking the child's arm harder than necessary.  That well meaning stranger will have no idea how patient you truly are when the child punches you in the head to get loose or fires a well aimed kick at your shin and you calmly carry him out!

Some people will ask very inappropriate questions in front of the child and you are stuck digging for a tactful answer that will protect the child's feelings.   Some people will call the child abuse hotline to report you.  The birth parents may campaign in the case worker's ear for removal of the children from your home.  All of these possibilities are scary and frustrating for a family who just wants to help a child.  It is a very difficult thing to open your home and your heart to public criticism and your agency and your case workers know this fact well. 

Now that I have scared you away from becoming a foster family, I want to share with you some remedies to this problem and remind you that it really is the best job in the world.  The best defense against public opinion is to shield your family as much as possible.  Ignore that busybody in the grocery store because she is not worth your time.  Have an answer ready in your head for overly personal questions that discourages further comments.  For instance, "I would rather not share personal details about my child in public" can send someone in the other direction right away.  You can use some humor by saying, "Yes, this child does look different from me, but you should see the purple child I left at home!"  If someone reports your family to child protective services, try to remain calm and call your worker right away.  A good agency will advocate and support their foster families.  Your honesty about the situation a willingness to follow procedure will help you through the situation.  I believe the most wonderful thing that you can do for the public image of a foster family is to be positive, share your love of children, and be a good example.  These children need a home where they can feel loved and supported.  Where they can learn to stand up for themselves and answer proudly that their family is a foster family.  Be proud of who you are and what you are doing because there are not enough families willing to become a foster family.  Since we are in the public eye anyway, I encourage you to take the opportunity to educate others either through discussion or example.