Learn More About Foster Care

The Washtenaw Coalition for Foster children is hosting a 5K run/walk to raise awareness about foster care.  To find out more information about this run visit:  fosterhope5k.com.

The Washtenaw Coalition is an interesting group.  It is made up of public and private adoption/foster care agencies in Southern Michigan, including Hands Across the Water.  The Department of Human Services in Washtenaw County (DHS) is the creator of this group and plays an active roll in coordinating our efforts.  In the business world, the agencies and DHS would be rivals.  But in the non-profit world, we work together to raise awareness of the great need for foster families.  We also work together in placing children.  When a child needs a home, the call (or email) will go out to all agencies with a description of the child that includes any special needs.  Each agency will look at the foster homes they have available.  Many factors will determine the "best" home for the child. Sometimes a child needs to stay within a certain geographic area for school or family purposes. The child may have medical needs that require special attention.  Only a limited number of foster homes will take sibling groups, making these children difficult to place too.

I often get questions about how the placement process works and I am glad to share the details. After my family completed the licensing process, I wondered if there was a list and wanted to know how long my wait would be.  Well, there is a list but placements do not happen in chronolgical order like I had imagined.  It is also not like competing for a job.  Beefing up your resume in the hopes of getting a faster placement does not apply in this case either.  I was called about the placement of a 3 month old baby because I was a stay at home mom and the little guy had some minor health issues that needed monitoring.  I received another placement because I was the only foster family available within the child's school district.  

I have also had people ask me what happens to their name on the list if a placement is turned down.  Some people may imagine that the agency will put a black mark by their name or send their name to the bottom of the list.  Neither of these thoughts are true.  It is okay to turn down a placement if the situation does not fit your family.  The agency wants the best placement possible to ensure a successful situation.  I would encourage you to have an open mind about a placement call because your family may receive calls about children who are a little outside of your specifications sometimes.  The little girl I said yes to because of her school district was 2 years older than my requested age perimeters.  I was willing to try to parent this girl to help her stay at her school and it worked out wonderfully.  She was with my family for 10 months and then returned home to her birth family.  I enjoy working in an environment where everyone works together to find the best home for a child.

I wandered off of my topic there for a bit, so I would like to return to the 5K run again.  The Coalition's purpose is to raise awareness about the great need for foster parents in Michigan.  If you are interested in learning more about becoming a foster parent, the 5k run is a great place to find out more information.  Each agency will have an information table and will be available to answer any questions you may have.  Hands Across the Water will be there too. Come and help us spread the word!

Sex-trafficking Sting Highlights Vulnerability of Foster Children

This article bothers me on so many levels that I have to say something about it!  Here is the link to read it:

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-child-sex-20130730,0,1571781.story

The statistic at the end of the article is more disturbing than anything else.  Here is the quote, "Half of sexually trafficked minors in California come from the foster care system. By comparison, fewer than 1% of all children in California are foster children."  Half of them!!!!!  

I know what the answer to this problem is.  It is very simple and very basic.  The system needs a lot more caring foster families.  A foster family who cares about a lost child provides structure, expectations, and love.  They are able to show a child what a real family is like.  These children come from tragic circumstances and often the basics of a normal family life can be life changing.  What are the basics?  It starts with 3 meals everyday.  Most children entering foster care have never had that.  Next is a parent that cares about the child and shows it each day by providing affection or a listening ear.  Basic rules of a household such as, going to school everyday, getting along with others in the household, and no stealing.  Building bonds of trust and love are the building blocks of a child learning right from wrong.  I have seen this magic work many times.  

Where do children go if there are no foster homes available?  Case workers and licensing workers are amazing people.  They work hard to find a home for a child by searching out relatives (good and bad), calling and begging current foster families to take just one more child or finding a residential treatment center.    The Department of Human Services connects with private agencies and the spreads the word when a child needs a home.  More foster homes in every single state would mean that children would be cared for in the best situation possible and not as they currently are with overworked case workers and overloaded foster homes. 

One family could make the difference for one child.    If you are thinking about fostering a child, I urge you to do more than just thing about it.   The work that foster parents do is nothing short of a miracle.  I hope you will consider saving a child from the kind of tragic circumstances described in this article.  All it takes is love.

Preparing for the First Placement

So you have spent hours in training class and had several visits with your licensing worker.  You have bared all the personal details you can possibly imagine in the name of completing a home study.  You have passed all the tests and now the waiting game begins.  The waiting period is always the worst time for me emotionally as each day goes by and I managed to dream up a thousand worst case scenarios.

How long is the wait going to be for that phone call?  The answer to this question depends upon what age and type of child you are waiting for.  In Michigan, there are not enough foster families to serve all of the children in need of a home.  If you are willing to provide a home to a child between the ages of 12-21, you will receive a call within 24 hours of completing your license. I am really not kidding about that!  This age group represents the area of greatest need in Michigan.  If you are willing to provide a home to a child between the ages of 5-12, I am pretty sure your phone will ring within 30 days (sooner if you will take sibling groups).  If you are signed up for the 0-5 year old age range, you may be waiting for awhile.  Michigan has many families waiting to help a young child within this age range and the wait will depend on your counties needs.  Again, the wait will be shorter if you are willing to take a sibling group.  Please keep in mind that the times and ages are not an official statistic.  This is based upon my own personal experience as a foster mom and as a licensing worker in Michigan.  I have fostered a wide range of children in my home and I have found that after the first placement, the calls come pretty regularly after the first one.

How should I prepare the bedroom and for clothing?  After the licensing process, you should have bedroom furniture and a place for clothing already taken care of.  It is impossible to buy clothes in advance because of the wide age range of possibilities and gender.  I like to have a some loose pajama's and sweat pants that may just do in a pinch.  What is more important is to have helper on call to run to the store just in case.  My husband always served this function but I have also used grandparents and close friends.  Remember that some children arrive with clothing and some with none at all.  One of my baby placements came with diaper bag that had a too small t-shirt , 1 diaper and the clothes he had on.  He had not had a bottle in hours because of the transition from his home, to the agency, and then to me.  My husband ran to the closest store for formula and some bottles while I tried to keep the little guy calm.

I had another child arrive in clothes that were filthy and damp.  He was 6 years old and very embarrassed that I wanted him to take a bath as soon as he arrived.  The pajama's I had on hand worked while my husband made another run to the store. 

Can I set up daycare ahead of time?  Most of us are working parents, including foster parents and day care is important.  I made some calls to the daycare centers near my home to see if they are properly licensed and able to accept a foster child.  Some centers are very willing and able to do this.  Others are not.  Your agency may have a list available of day care centers that are foster child friendly.  It is very valuable to have a neighbor, family member, or friend who can provide temporary care until you get things set up.  In my case, my mother in law is retired and was always willing to lend me a hand.  Keep in mind that the transition to your home is a difficult one for the child.  Everything that is familiar has been replaced with something new.  You may want to take some time off of work to ease the transition process.  I have found that 2-3 days is a pretty good guess.

What about school?  If you are preparing to foster a school age child, it is helpful to know the location and contact information of the schools in your area.  All agencies do their best to keep children within their own school system but because of the shortage of foster families, this may not be possible.  The public school system is able to enroll a child quickly and are very easy to work with.  I had a teenager placed with me that had to change schools and it was very simple to call the local high school and set up a meeting.  They had her all set to attend the next day.  The school will contact the child's previous school to obtain records and may call you with concerns as soon as they have the records.  Many foster children need extra services so don't panic if this happens.  Set up a meeting with the school's social worker.  This person will be able to lend you support and answer your questions.

What about medical care?  Your agency may have a list of doctors who take the insurance provided by your state.  It was a revelation to me to find out that not all doctors will see my foster children.  I started my research by asking the doctor I had taken my biological children too if he accepted the state's medical plan.  He did not but was able to refer me to a very nice place.  I used this place for all of my foster children after that. 

With each new placement, I felt like  I was walking a new path.  Each child has their own special needs that will take some creativity to meet.  I found that asking a lot of questions helped me to learn where to go and what to do.  Start by asking your case worker first.  This person is your most valuable resource.  Join a foster parent support group as soon as you can because these are the people who know the insider information.  They love to share!  I have also found  people within my circle of friends who are more than willing to lend a hand when they find out you are helping a child.  Good luck on this amazing journey!

Traveling With Foster Children

I realized lately that I have been wandering to far into my own personal life on this blog.  I want to get back to offering practical information for readers.  I think there is a significant lack of practical information out there right now for those who are currently fostering children.  In my family, summertime is the time to travel.  The children are out of school and I have usually neglected my extended family during the wintertime.  And to be brutally honest, the children in my household are bored silly after the joy of school ending has passed.  We have a pool and a trampoline that keep them pretty busy but there is nothing like a change of scenery.

Traveling with foster children always adds a few extra loops to the process that may seem overwhelming but it will be worth the extra time in the long run.  Always make sure that your case worker is fully informed about your plans.  I have found that I mentally absorb my foster children into my family and it often takes some extra thoughts for me to remember that this child does not belong to me.  I cannot just go wandering around the United States without providing full contact information and a detailed itinerary to the right people.  The case worker should be at the top of your list when you are forming your travel plans.  I have found that if I am just traveling within my home state, that it is a simple matter of providing the necessary information to the case worker.  However, things can get a little more complicated when visiting another state.  I like to request a letter from my caseworker that includes information about my family as the foster family and a statement about permission to travel with the child.  If I have positive relationship with the birth parents, I will keep them informed also.  Traveling can mean that children will miss some important visitation dates with birth parents.  Make plans in advance for the child to chat on the phone with their parents while they are traveling.  Sharing the new experience with their parents is often a great new avenue of conversation.

When I first began to foster children, I headed up north to visit my mother.  She lives about 250 miles away within my home state.  My mom was very nervous about this extra addition to our family and worried about how to act.  We chatted about it and decided that we would just do the same things that we always do when I visit.  We settled on taking the kids to a Putt-Putt course.  I love doing this because I can chat with my mom while the kids are having fun and we get some great pictures.  My latest foster child had never been Putt-Putting before and at 8 years old, she was the perfect age to enjoy it.  My mother was captivated by this child's reaction to such a simple activity.  The child sparkled with laughter and excitement through every hole.  My mom could not believe that such a simple activity could bring such joy to a child.  Many of the children who come into care have never experienced even a simple family vacation.  For me, it is a magical thing to give a child a new experience and create a happy memory for them to treasure, no matter where life may take them.   My mother has now caught the bug of creating new memories and loves to take the children places they have never been before.

Sometimes it is not possible to take a foster child on vacation because of cost or other restrictions. Sometimes a foster family just needs to take a break and get away for awhile and that is okay too. Do not feel bad or guilty if you need to find a substitute caregiver and take a breather.  Again, it is important that the case worker is fully informed of these kinds of plans.  A caseworker can be a big help in finding another foster family willing to take care of your foster child for a short time.  I think the best advice I can offer a new foster family is, "Do not change the things that you do just because a foster child has come to your home."  If you travel, keep traveling.  If you host a big family gathering every year, keep doing it.  Foster children need to experience normal everyday family life.  It is one of the greatest gifts a foster family can give a child.

Prejudice, Bias, Judgemental thinking and other Bad Words

I miss writing my thoughts down every week but life has been crazy since school ended and summer began.  I work from my home and I was really worried about how I was going to get any work done at all with five children plus their friends hanging around my house.  However, I am happy to report that the transition went much better than expected.  I hired a babysitter to come to the house two days a week and my husband has been fantastic at taking over when he comes home from work.  I actually feel more organized than I did when I had all day to work while the kids were at school.  I guess the knowledge that I only have the babysitter for five hours focuses me on the job at hand.  So here I am with the kids chattering outside my locked office door, ready to tackle a very difficult topic that has been on my mind for awhile now.

Everyone has a biased opinion or a prejudice against something.  If you do not believe me then you have not spent enough time exploring your inner self.  We are all shaped by the family or environment that we were raised in and we all lean in a certain direction.  The worst of these judgemental opinions can be labeled as racism, bigotry, or intolerance.   Like most people, I don't spend a lot of time exploring the biased opinion that I may carry around with me.  However, when parents enter the world of foster care and adoption, these "opinions" rise to the top very quickly.  The first time I faced my own biased opinion occurred when I began to think about parenting a child of another race.  Could I do it?  Would it matter to me?  I did not think that it would but my husband was pretty good about asking the hard questions.  Was I ready for a lifetime of questions that strangers would ask if the child looked so different from me?  That may sound crazy and bizarre but people often ask questions that are inappropriate.  In order to parent a child of a different race, I had to know in my heart that I would defend that child in all situations.  For the record, I have parented a child of a different race and I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I learned how to handle rude questions with humor and became proud of the many differences that stick out in my family.  This issue is really much broader than just race.  It includes children with disabilities and the biggest issue of all... behavior problems.

Foster children tend to have behavior problems that stick out in public.  In one of my support groups, I asked my parents how much information they share about foster parenting.  One of the Dad's laughed and said that he didn't have to share any information.  He had the words "foster parent" stamped on his forehead!  He meant that a foster child currently living in his home had some very serious behavior issues, especially out in the public eye.  Many people form very quick jugdements about parenting techniques when a child is acting up.  Gay parents  have shared with me that they face this kind of judgement and bias on a regular basis.

I wanted to share an eye opening moment with you that happened to me recently.  I was speaking with a coworker about things that I liked about my job and things that I didn't.  It came out that one of the areas that I struggle with is birth parents who are not dedicated to working out their issues.  I first ran into this brick wall when I began taking my first foster child to a visit with her mother.  The first visit went well, but she never showed up for the second visit.  I was driving 30 minutes each way, once a week for these visits to happen.  Needless to say, I was angry when the birth mom did not show up.  I also had to handle very carefully the child's feelings about mom not coming to an event that was very important to the child.  It made me angry to see some one's carelessness hurt a child in this way.  I quickly learned that this is a common problem for foster children and their caregivers.  Birth parents have many reasons for not showing up to visits that in my experience include, substance abuse, transportation difficulties, and just not caring enough.  As a foster parent, my priority is the child and at that time in my life, I was very skeptical of anything that would keep a parent from visiting with their child.  I could add a few more adjectives the judgemental pile I was keeping that included, anger, impatience, frustration, and disgust.  Jumping ahead several years into the future, I did not realize that I had continued to carry those feelings with me with regards to a birth parents.  My coworker is a real gem and handled it with humor by pointing out that a birth parent may be standing right behind me!  Her response reminded me that I work in a field where birth parents and their rights as parents are very important.

In my defense, I do not work directly with birth parents.  I primary work with adoptive and foster parents and I have no contact with birth parents at this time.  However, I eventually want to work as a case worker which will involve working directly with birth parents.  Obviously, I have some work to do on my inner self before I would feel ready to work in this area.  The good news here is that with some education and a little bit of open mindedness, most people (including myself) have the ability to change.

My advice is to not let fear of the unknown stop your from jumping into a new situation.  I remember picturing my family portrait with a tall black man standing beside this crazy, short, white family.  The image was funny but warmed my heart.  Of course I could love a child of a different race because what is really important to me was helping a child find a family.  Now, my actual family portrait is a source of joy each year because it is never the same.  Sometimes there is a tall child, or a black child, or a child who cannot sit still even for a short moment in my family picture.   I am going to have to remember that the people who are not in my family picture are important too.  Birth parents are an important part of my children's lives whether I like it or not.  It is long past time for me to open my mind and heart and begin to let go of my long held prejudices.  I hope you can too.

Bits of Thoughts from a Large Family

I have a lot of little bits of thoughts floating around me head that just haven't fit in anywhere into my blog recently.  So this is a post full of little bits.

I think siblings are necessary in a family.  I cannot imagine being an only child or being a parent of an only child.  I was teaching a class of 7 year olds this week and we started our class time by drawing our family on a large piece of paper.  I did mine just to have something to do while the kids were working.  They noticed what I was up to and started asking questions.  Why is your paper full of people?  How come there is only two girls in the picture.  Why do you have three dogs?  I have no idea why I have three dogs. The strays just kind of landed in my home.  My paper is full because I have five children plus an extra living in my house.  There are only two girls in my family because one is me and the other is my favorite daughter (my only daughter).   All of the children in my class have been adopted internationally and are only children.  They marveled at the size of my family for a good five minutes.  It made me laugh.  I know my family can be a little shocking sometimes.  I believe that everyone should have a sibling to play with, to fight with, to love and to hate.  I have one sister and we hated each other passionately for 30 years.  Now we are good friends and I wouldn't trade her for anything.  If someone asks me if they should adopt or foster another child, my answer is always yes!


Child abuse is always on my mind because of my job.  Abusing a child causes a domino effect down through generations and fans out to extended family.  The immediate damage to the child is obvious, but I am talking about looking into the future.  The most obvious scenario here is pretty common.  Children who are abused grow up and abuse their children and the cycle continues until someone become a cycle breaker.  My father was a cycle breaker and I am so impressed and proud of him for that.  He does not discuss what happened to him as a child as a result of living with an alcoholic father and I don't think I could bear the details.  Cycle breakers are amazing people.  The latest scenario that I have encountered is grandparents raising their grandchildren because their own child is more focused on substance abuse than caring for the children.  The extended family often takes on the emotional and financial challenges of raising a family member's children.  Substance abuse can also be passed down to children as a grown child becomes addicted to the same drugs that caused the trouble in the first place.  One of my son's was born addicted to crack at birth.  I am very worried that if he experiments with drugs, as many teenagers do, that his body will recognize it immediately.  Can my son break the cycle and stay away from drugs?  He is eight years old now and I am able to push those thoughts to the back of my brain for another day.  Thank goodness!

I have completed a remodel of my home office and I am so happy to have my own space to work in!!!  Remodel is actually a much fancier word for what really happened to the original office space in my house.  When we first moved in, the office was just a place to put odds and ends that we could not find a space for in the rest of the house.  Eventually, I found a hand me down desk and added a file cabinet and a chair.  We put the computer in there and called it an office.  Unfortunately, this space was never really owned by anyone in the family until we had a stray child come to stay with us for a year.  Shelly was too old to be called a foster child and just sort of ended up in our home by accident (that is kind of theme for my family).  Anyway, she needed a room.  So I had this bright idea to paint the room a color of her choice and put a bed in there.  Of course, she chose bright pink and immediately spread her clothes all over.  My office was long gone within a week.  Shelly eventually moved out and I got fed up with trying to work at home in the middle of the family room.  So began the remodel.   I still have the hand me down desk and I added a new printer and a small, brand new file cabinet that doesn't look like a file cabinet at all!  The pink was painted over and I managed some new carpeting too.  I had no idea that having my own space could be such an amazing feeling.  I close the doors and nobody bothers me.  They can't tell if I am working or playing cards on the computer just for fun.  I have found my own personal place to escape the chaos of my home and it is amazing.  If you don't have your own space, I highly recommend it!

Three of my children will be getting out of school for the summer next week and I can't decided if I am really happy about it or dreading it.  That may sound crazy but summer is such a relaxing time for my family.  We don't have a regular schedule and we get out of bed when we want to.  That is one of the amazing joys of being a stay at home mom.  However, this stay at home mom is also a working mom.  I work from home (in my glorious new office!) and pretend that I work part time.  The reality is that during the school year, I have enjoyed working most of the school day away and that adds up to much more than part time.  I am really worried about how I am going to juggle having my three wonderful children under my feet all summer long.  That is the part I am dreading.  I have set up a babysitter to come to my house two days a week.  I have also been prepping my husband to take over when he come home from work so that I can retreat to my office.   I think it is going to work, but I am not quite sure yet. I may be a crazed lunatic by the end of the summer.  Who knows??  I will keep you posted.

If you can't tell by reading my blog, I love my large family.  I love having kids in my house all the time. I love the chaos they bring with them.  I love having pets to keep everyone busy.  I love sitting at soccer practice in my car reading People magazines.  I love that my job often mimics the craziness of my family.  I work at home, and at the office, and at events.  I am always moving towards the next event on my calendar.  I juggle teaching classes with taking my kids to practice.  I juggle appointments with clients around school picnics.  Does anyone else live this kind of life?  I hope so because it is an amazing ride!

  

I am a Reality Junkie

I think that blogger's and blog readers are reality junkies.  I am not the kind of person that enjoys watching reality television.  I have seen Honey Boo Boo and it made me laugh but I think that I have enough reality in my own life where I do not need to watch another person's trauma and drama.  However, I do love to read blogs and it occurred to me that maybe I am being a little snobbish about reality television as blogging seems to be the same idea, just in written form. 

My job at Hands Across the Water seems to have an element of reality television in it.  As a licensing worker, I spend a lot of time with people who want to become foster parents.  They share their life story with me, then they right it down in reams of documentation and then I rewrite it into a home study document.  The process usually takes three to four months.  I think it is safe to say that I get to know my families really, really well.  Yesterday, I spent four hours with a family assisting them with their autobiography.   When I left the home, I was so mentally exhausted that had a hard time focusing on my own family.  I found myself snapping at my children and snarling at my husband over some really stupid stuff.  My husband is a smart guy.  When he comes home from work and finds me in this kind of mood, he works hard to stay out of my way.  I think he told the kids to stay away from mom for a little while too.  So I was left with no one to take my anger out on except myself and resorted to pounding the keys of my computer as I tried to get a little work done.  

I soon realized that trying to work was pointless too.  What was wrong with me!?  It finally came to me that I had internalized the life story from the family I was working with and it was really upsetting me.  My mind keeps jumping back to different details and experiencing it again.  I have heard all kinds of life stories in the world of foster care and adoption, so this kind of thing isn't new to me.  What is new to me is not having a place to talk about the things I heard.  Due to confidentiality issues, I can't share any details here to get it off my chest.  That makes it even more frustrating.  Writing is a wonderful emotional outlet for me and I can't use it in this case.  Not everyone can handle the kinds of stories that come from working in the foster care system.  The children often come into care with horrific stories of abuse or neglect.  Families talk of losing a loved one to substance abuse or the loss of a child.  People who adopt internationally are changed by viewing the orphanages where there child first lived.  My husband is a good listener but he has his limits.  

If you have ever been to a class I have taught, you will know that I hate the concept of confidentiality.  I am a talker and a writer.  I love to share.  I want people to know that foster parents can change lives.  I understand the necessity for abiding by confidentiality laws and I am capable of doing so, but I do not like it.  One of the places where some details can be shared openly is a support group.  I love support groups.  People come and share their stories and learn from each other.  I am a facilitator for a support group at Hands Across the Water but I have to be honest and say that I get as much out of the group as my attendees.  After all, I am an adoptive/foster parent too and I am always interested in new ideas.  One parent shared that her family has decided not to share their adopted children's stories with extended family.  She wants the family to accept the child as is, with no additional baggage to cloud judgement.   I am fascinated with this idea because I have experienced judgmental behavior from extended family too.  I also admire this family for being able to keep these matters private.  I am pretty sure that would feel like an over filled balloon waiting to pop if I could not talk about my issues.  

I am a big fan of sharing experiences.  In support group, people learn that what they are going through has happened to others.  There is a way out and established methods that can help in difficult situations.  I am not sure what we can learn from Honey Boo Boo but I know that we can learn a great deal from each other when we share our stories.  For good or for bad, many people know the my children's stories because of the nature of my job.  My kids are growing up and they are starting to realize that they have a story to share.  I asked my eight year old if anyone at school ever asked him about being adopted.  He didn't even pause his Xbox game to answer, "No and if they do, I would tell them to go away!"  Obviously he does not feel the need to share the way that I do.  It is clear that I should work on helping him learn some constructive ways to answer people who ask too many questions.    

I very much enjoy the talking aspect of my job.  I know that my experiences in foster care can help others who are brave enough to walk this path.  I am glad that I can answer questions for people.  I am sure that I will continue to write my blog and share just a few too many details sometimes.  That just seems to be who I am.  In the mean time, I may just have to try out writing in a private journal to let off some steam.