Adopting Outside of Birth Order

There are a large number of studies done about birth order.  Many of them focus on how placement in the family affects behavior and personality.  The first born is often labeled as a leader, while the last born is often more socially oriented.  The middle child is the negotiator or mediator of the family.  Most of these studies agree that the order of birth is a critical factor in behavior.  However, adoption and foster care tend to turn all of these studies upside down because children arrive in different ways and at different stages of life.  Family roles are redefined with each child who enters and leaves the home.  Most people who attend my training classes want to know how this will affect their family.

I will start with the negative effects because these are probably the most well known facts.  The general rule of thumb is to allow a family to grow into each developmental stage.  If a family has no children then it is recommended that they adopt an infant.  However, this assumes that the family in question has no experience with children of various ages and does not consider life experience.  The concern here is that a new parent will not know how to care for a child who is 10 or 15 years old.  Many people have occupations working with children or have an extended family with many cousins or nieces and nephews to learn from.  If you feel confident and have some experience with older children then this risk can be minimized in the long run. 

Another risk factor that should be considered is the affect on children already in the home.  A child coming from foster care will have an unknown list of behaviors resulting from a traumatic past.  This creates an immediate risk.  Questions that should be asked up front should center on a child's ability to interact with other children and any past history of sexual abuse.  Children who have been sexually abused have a higher risk of becoming an abuser themselves. Or may just act out sexually in inappropriate ways or ways that are way beyond their years.  Children adopted from other countries will have many of the same issues as foster children.  Learn as much as you can about the child before accepting placement or bringing the child home.

Plan on a child of any age having some sort of affect on the children already in the home.  This is a life changing event for all family members.  A parent should be on the lookout for signs of stress, acting out or difficulty in school in both the new child and children already in the home.  

With the negatives consequences out of the way, we can jump to the benefits of bring a child in the home of any age.   I will be honest and state that my oldest child had a great deal of difficulty with any age child I brought into the home.  He responded the best to the tiny babies that arrived and so obviously needed love.  He was 12 years old when we began fostering and I did not feel comfortable bringing in a child older than he was.  He has always been the boss and leader of his siblings and I knew that bringing in an older child would be a significant blow to his identity.  Understanding and knowing your children well is a major component of success.  Our first placement was an 8 year old girl.  She was the same age as my second son and this is called twinning.  My oldest managed to accept her into the family pretty well.  My daughter took on a mothering role right way that was pretty fun to watch because she was only 10 herself.  My twinned up son had a more complicated relationship.  He liked to play with her and did not mind sharing his toys.  However, he felt quite funny about acknowledging her at school.  He was able to share his Dad's affections pretty well, but did not enjoy sharing his mother.  Jealousy was a common issue for these two.   For the entire length of her stay, it was a complicated relationship.  

I have had more relationship success with the teenagers who have made their home my own.  The larger age gap seemed to be an easier hurdle for the younger children to accept.  My teenager placements often take on the role of caregiver for the younger children.  Through helping out with younger children, they have found peace and understanding of how a healthy family works.  My younger children have always been willing to seek out the attentions of a teenager and hopefully get them to play a game or help them grab a sandwich.  I have seen both sides benefit from the relationship.  My younger children, who are 8 and 9 years old, quickly developed an understanding of people living with us and then not living with us.  They are able to voice their likes and dislikes of an older child by saying things like, "I don't like how she bossed me around or he always played football with me."  My experience has been that a child who is a similar or close age to my current children is easier for me to parent but harder on my children.  A larger age gap seems to leave more of the family roles in place and an older child is free to create their own identity within the family.  

I am not a big advocate of not doing something because a study says that it is a bad thing to do.  Each family is different and each set of parenting skills are different.  My children have benefited greatly by the experience of fostering and adopting.  All of them (even the adopted ones) have developed a sense of compassion for children in need.  They have all become kind and considerate people who can easily see challenges in other people's lives.  I do not believe I could have taught them this value just by pointing it out or showing it on television.  My last word of advice in adopting or fostering out of birth order is to be aware that more challenges will pop up down this road as compared to staying within the birth order.  As always, keep your eyes and ears open for trouble and seek out professional help if you are struggling with this challenge.  

What is a Match Party?

One of my favorite aspects of my job at Hands Across the Water (HATW) as a foster care recruitment specialist is hosting the HATW information table at special events.  I have been to all kinds of events at many different locations (in Michigan).  I love the opportunity to speak to people about foster care and adoption.  It also has the added benefit of saving my family from hearing one more foster care related story from me.  It is truly my favorite subject and my family has learned to be prepared for a detailed answer if they are brave enough to ask a questions.  

Last weekend, I attended the Kinship Festival which is a yearly event for the Michigan Adoption Resource (MARE).  It was located on Belle Isle which I had never been to before.  I was amazed by the beauty of Belle Isle.  Here is a picture of the beautiful building we occupied for the day.

 Kinship Festival is just another name for a large match party.  Here is MARE's definition of a match party.  "Match parties are unique events that provide prospective adoptive families the chance to interact face-to-face with many of Michigan's waiting youth.  It allows them to see past the labels, diagnoses and case histories that mask the personalities of each child.  They also provide the children a chance to enjoy a fun day filled with various games and activities."  True to the definition, there were plenty of things for children to do at the Kinship Festival.  The Detroit S.W.A.T Team came to visit with their equipment and there were several large bounce houses and slides to play on.  Lunch was geared toward the children's tastes with a hot dog cart, chips and fruit. The most successful match parties are the ones that are designed for children to have fun and not be nervous about attending.

  

I find the concept of match parties to be very interesting because the idea can make a person feel a little uncomfortable.  Underneath the fun children's event is the primary focus of allowing potential adoptive families to take a look at the children available.  Honestly, it seems a little strange and may someday be in a history book in a chapter right next to orphan trains of the 1800's.  However, I recommend that we put aside the uncomfortable feeling for a moment and really take a look at what a match party is all about.

When a family chooses the path of foster care or adoption there is an interesting ride ahead.  The family must choose the characteristics, level of disability, race, age, and gender (and many more) of their future child.  This is often done on a black and white form full of check boxes.  On the MARE website are photo listings of the children available in Michigan.  Almost every state has them if you search the Internet a little bit.  With each photo is a short biography followed by a list of impairments or disabilities.  That is not to say that all children available for adoption have disabilities but the children are categorized to help a family sort through the list a bit.  Can you see how this process removes the emotional side of adoption?   A match party brings back that element that is so wonderful of seeing a child for the first time.  It brings back that tug on the heart string that has brought a family down the adoption or foster care path to begin with.  A family can only learn bits and pieces about a child from a biography on a website.  Visit the this website to view photo listings of waiting children to see an example of what I am talking about:  MARE Website  

After reading a few photo listings, I am sure you can see why seeing a child face to face is important.  Match parties are not meant to be meat markets for children.  MARE works hard to protect the children who attend.  In order to attend, you must have a completed home study and be approved by an adoption worker.  There are specific guidelines to follow when approaching a child at a match party.  Asking personal questions about a child's background or disability level are big no-no's at a match party.  A match party is a place to quietly observe or to gently interact with a child by asking non-invasive questions.  This is your chance to get to know a child in a friendly atmosphere.  

Does the concept of a match party still sound kind of odd?  Regardless, I recommend attending at least one match party as part of the adoption and foster care journey.  The experience is priceless and you may find a child who has been waiting to become part of your family forever.    

Multiple Foster Homes or Disrupted Placements

We have all heard the stories from former foster youth who grew up in the system.  Their stories often share the same common problem of growing up in multiple foster homes. More than two homes is bad in my book but there are stories of children who are moved five or more times during childhood and finally just aged out of the system.  What causes a caseworker to move a child so many times?  Who are these foster families that keep rejecting this child?  Is the foster care system so bad that it cannot find just one home for one child?  The answers to these questions are not easy to find.  It is too easy to say that the foster care system or foster family failed a child once again.  It is also too easy to say as a new foster family, "I will never send a child from my home."  

I have had a specific child on my mind for about a month now.  I was at a meeting that included several foster care agencies and one of the agencies was looking for a home for a child.  In professional lingo it is called a placement request where agencies collaborate on locating an appropriate foster home for a specific child.  This child is three and half years old and needs to be transferred from his current foster home to a new home because of behavior issues.  Further information reveals that he is part of a sibling group of four children and he needs to be separated from his siblings, again because of behavior issues.  The newest foster home will be his fourth foster home.  The foster mother side of my brain is already shouting, "For heaven's sake this child is only 3 years old, how bad can his behavior truly be!!!"  This happened quite a while ago and I do not know if a home was found for this child.  However, this child has continued to creep into my thoughts.  He has remained in my brain long enough that I discussed him with my husband.  Discussing a child with my husband is a really big deal because when I went to work in this field I promised him that I would not bring another child home.  We have five children and are very happy to say that our family is complete.  However, my husband does understand the very real risk that I may not be able to resist temptation.  Hopeless cases are the worst kind of temptation for me, but I am just built that way.  Most people are not.  

So what happened in this small child's life that brought him to this place?  Obviously, abuse and neglect by his birth family brought him into the foster care system.  But why three foster homes, with a soon to be fourth?  My innocent mental shout about this child's behavior is not a fair judgment on those previous foster homes.  Most people think of behavior problems as tantrums, hitting or something similar.  However, a child affected by trauma can bring bad behavior to new levels that are hard to imagine.  Some of the most challenging behaviors that I have seen are bed wetting every night for months, hurting a family pet, hurting or battling with another child in the home or even acting aggressively toward a foster parent.  It should also be said that rarely does this bad behavior mean one isolated incident.  It occurs frequently and corrective action seems to have no effect.  Providing a loving home for a child with these kinds of challenges will test even the most seasoned foster parents.  Can a foster family that has tried everything under the sun to help a child and had no success be blamed for giving up?  

One of the points that are taught in PRIDE classes is that the safety and health of your own family needs to come first above the needs of a foster child.  This is a hard concept to wrap the brain around until it has been experienced.  I had a foster daughter that was the same age as my biological son.  I thought "twinning" them would be no big deal.  I could not have been more wrong.  Our family spent a year trying to adjust and work out the differences with no success.  The mother in me would have adopted her in a heartbeat but it was not what was best for my son.  So I let go.  It is now 10 years later and I still carry thoughts of her in my head.  I am sure that I made the right decision for my family but at what cost to her?  The intricacies of foster care are a tangled web of choices by all parties involved.

There are some very appropriate times to request that a child be moved from a foster family.  Here is a list of possibilities.  If the foster child is physically threatening to a family member and all attempts to change the behavior have failed.  If the foster child has sexually abused another member of the household or has been behaving in an overly sexual way towards others.  If the personalities in the household are not getting along over an extended period of time.  In all of these cases, an agency will recommend counseling or other services for the child and possibly the family too.  An agency does not move a child unless the need is great enough.  A foster family can also choose to continue the placement.  I recommend that you find a support group to attend and learn as much about the child's condition as you can.  The rewards of succeeding with a very troubled child are astounding and amazing. 

Foster families are all created differently and each experience is unique.   The thought of a child with extreme behavior issues has chased many potential foster families away because of fear.  Not all foster children have extreme behaviors. I have often been surprised by a family who seemed to be tailor made to handle a particular child. I admire those who choose not to give up and I understand the heartbreak and grief of those who need to make a change.  There are no black and white rules when it comes to children in foster care.    

The foster care system is working hard to address the issue of multiple placements.  There is now collaboration between state social services and private agencies to increase the chance of finding a home that fits a child's needs.  Placing a child in a home that is good fit right from the start is an important piece of the puzzle.  In the three year old's case, the caseworker is looking for a home with no other children or pets.  Everything that is known about the child's behavior will be disclosed and services put in place to help both the foster family and the foster child.  Will all of this make for a loving home for this child?  No one knows, but we do the best that we can.  Watch for the stories from foster youth who have found their forever family, or stories about the family that never gave up on them. Those stories are out there too and keep the hope alive for foster families that hope to make a difference in a child's life. 

Here is a link to a blog that I really enjoy.  I hope you will too!  Never a Dull Moment

In the News

Because it is Friday afternoon, I do not have a lot of deep educational thoughts on foster care today. However, there is a lot happening in the news in the world of foster care.  I thought that I would share a few articles and news stories that have crossed my desk lately.  News of the foster care and adoption world can often span the range of emotion, from anger to sadness, or joy and amazement. So read at your own risk.

The biggest topic in the news right now is the large number of children arriving in Texas from Central America.  Here is a link to a general article: 

http://www.thenewamerican.com/usnews/immigration/item/18821-some-illegal-immigrant-foster-children-are-22-years-old

What is interesting to me about this one is the short news item above the immigration article that discusses the fact that there are some immigrant children who have long been placed in the Texas Foster Care System and can reach up to the age of 22!  I am glad that Texas has found homes for many of these children but I am puzzled as to how they have done it.  Here in Michigan, finding foster parents is a full time job. Obviously this problem has been growing quietly for several years down in Texas.

I really love the personal stories that former foster youth share and here is a link to one I found on Facebook:
https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/opinion/my-journey-in-foster-care-the-second-most-devastating-day-of-my-young-life/7486

Warning!  This one ends in a cliff hanger.  But what I like about this story is the many sides of foster care that it showcases.  Her story touches on loving foster parents, the importance of keeping siblings in contact and together, and her own emotions.  It is so hard to read the emotions in the minds of young children who are placed in our homes.  It causes me to wonder what thoughts would be written by the children who have left my home.  I hope more than anything that they know how much they were loved.

Of course there is always a story about the tragic death of child.  I don't mean to gloss over this with humor in anyway.  I can't help but read things like this even though I know that it will just torture me.  Every time I read about the death of foster child my mind just screams why, why why!!!  There is an Eiffel tower size pile of rules and regulations designed to keep children safe.  Yet these incidents keep happening.  I include this article to encourage anyone who has ever considered becoming a foster parent to sign up.  Michigan needs loving, intelligent, and thoughtful people to help care for all of these children.  Here is the link:

http://ksn.com/2014/07/28/foster-care-system-responds-to-foster-care-child-death/

I would like to end on a positive note because the business of helping children is a joyful one.  I really enjoy following Dr. John DeGarmo on Facebook.  He has written several books about foster parenting that focus on the basics.  I have not read all of them but I enjoyed, "The Foster Parenting Manual: A practical guide to creating a loving, safe, and stable home."  I root for anyone who is practical and down to earth in the world of foster care.  This wonderful picture is from his Facebook page at:
https://www.facebook.com/DrJohnDeGarmo


 Dr. John DeGarmo says, "What you are doing IS important! What you are doing DOES matter! Thank you for doing the little, and big, things for children in foster care. Share if you agree!"

Crossing Over to the Other Side

I really enjoy writing this blog on both a personal and a professional level.  I think one of the reasons that my blog appeals to people in foster care or thinking about foster care are the personal stories from my own family life that I include here.  I love writing about my family and my experiences but lately my well has run a little dry on personal stories.  I thought that it was because I was finally learning to keep my private life to myself, but I realized today that wasn't the reason.  My teenagers continue to provide many incidents to write about on a daily basis.  I am sure there are people out there who live quiet and uneventful lives.  I am not one of them.  I think the Kardashian's are pretty boring compared to my family, or any family involved in foster care for that matter.  The real reason is that lately, I have been focusing more on my job than my family.  As I cross the line farther and farther into social worker territory, I find that I am looking at foster care through a different lens than I used to.

As a foster parent, I had the luxury of mocking the rules.  I often rolled my eyes when presented with another crazy procedure or policy that I had to follow.  My favorite example of this is when the State of Michigan assigned a lawyer to my three month old foster son, Dylan.  The lawyer was required to visit Dylan at least once prior to each court date.  So every three months, this nice man would call me to schedule a home visit to visit with Dylan.  I would clean up like a mad woman and dress the baby in the nicest outfit I could find.  Tom would come and hold Dylan for an hour and chat with me.  My husband and I would laugh together about what a waste of state money this seemed to be.  I never went to court as a foster parent so I had no idea what the lawyer ever accomplished in Dylan's behalf.  Now that I am on the other side of tracks, I know exactly what Tom's job was and how important it really is.  Foster children are assigned a lawyer to add another voice to advocate for the child.  Dylan may not have needed his services at 3 months old but a 10 year old or a teenager can speak with the lawyer and make their personal wishes known.  The lawyer is also one more person viewing the foster home on a monthly basis to make sure the child is in a safe environment and bonding well with the foster family.  I miss rolling my eyes at rules because the reason for the rules always has a dark and sinister reason behind it.  In this case, a lawyer provides a personal voice for the child in court.  Haven't we all read stories about a foster child moving from home to home or placed with a relative that everyone thought was safe?  When someone advocates for the child in court, it adds another view point and another layer of protection for the child.  Many, many crazy rules are in place for the child's protection and that is the most important reason of all.  

There is a dark side to foster care that I was completely oblivious to as a foster parent.  Children do get moved from home to home, but there are really good reasons to do so!  The media only describes the fact that Johnny has been in five different foster homes.  They leave out the fact that Johnny may hurt other children in the home, that he may run away from his foster home, that some foster parents cannot handle his behavior challenges.  See, now I am talking like a social worker again.  I used to have one foot on either side of the line.  Now, I find myself hopping back and forth.  I get mad at my supervisor for sending me to investigate a complaint against a foster home that hits too close to home.  I get mad at the foster family for not following the rules that are there to protect them and the child, causing an investigation.  I am mad that I love this profession so much and that it requires me to judge the safety of a home and the sincerity of the family.   Here a few quick rules that drives me crazy on both sides of the line.

1.  Having a phone in the home at all times:  Many people only use cell phones now and no longer have a land line.  The agency needs to be able to reach a foster parent at all times! Why does a foster family have to pay for a land line they never use?

2.  Egress windows in the basement:  You cannot have a play area or a bedroom in the basement with no window to escape from in case of fire.  Do you really want to be the foster family in the news where the child died in a fire because there was no escape from the basement?  That really happened, by the way.  The other side of this rule is the fact that everyone uses their basement for additional space (including myself) without consideration of safety.

3.  References:  Why do I have to beg my neighbor or my coworker to vouch for me as a parent?  It is embarrassing.  Because the agency needs to make sure that you are not a crazy person (and your neighbors would know!).

I could go on and on with this list but I will save it for a part two in a future post.  I would like to add a quick plug for support groups.  I run a support group for foster parents every month and it is one of my favorite parts of my job.  I get to take all this knowledge that I have on both sides of the line and help others through the process.  However, I can honestly say that I have never attended a support group as an attendee.  I received quite an eye opening moment over this fact recently.  If you are a regular reader, then you know that I have an 18 year old son who is struggling with drug addiction.  That is a nice social worker sentence that sums up the agony of my life in less than 10 words.  I have spent hours on the phone learning about substance abuse programs and trying to find a program that will be covered by my insurance that isn't located 300 miles away.  I argue with my son and plan strategy with my husband.  It is safe to say that this issue has consumed most of my life recently.  I found a place and scheduled an appointment to get him assessed.  I extracted a promise from my son that he would go to the appointment and listen to what the counselor had to say.  Unfortunately, my son backed out and refused to go to the appointment.  I was devastated.  I called the counselor to cancel, repeating to myself that this probably happens in her line of work all the time.  She was very nice and at the end of the conversation I asked if I am doing the right thing in working so hard to get my unwilling son treatment.  In a very quiet voice, she suggested that I attend the local support group for people with family members with substance abuse problems.  I could tell the exact moment that she took off her social work hat and become just another devastated mother with a child refusing help.  I realized all over again how helpful it is to talk to others with similar experiences.  I am going to attend this group because I know that these people will have practical advice on how to navigate the system and how to survive this trauma as a parent. My eye opening thought was that I don't need to go through this alone.  There is help out there.  As a person hosting a support group, I should have remembered this fact.  Well, now I do and I am sharing it with you.  

The support group that I host is for people at any stage of fostering or adopting a child.  It is called the A-OK Parents Group and meets the second Friday of every month from 6:30 to 8:30 at Hands Across the Water.  Refreshments and child care are provided. Call the office to pre-register at 734-477-0135.   A support group is a wonderful place to listen, learn and ask questions. Come and join us!  

  

Celebrating Foster Parenting in Michigan

Hands Across the Water is celebrating National Foster Care month in a variety of ways.  I hosted the HATW information table at the BTL Wedding Expo in March.  This blog post details that event and has been shared with the Human Rights Campaign website, found here:  www.hrc.org.  Click on the "Blog" tab to see this entry on that website.  Look for road side signs from HATW promoting foster care and adoption around town.  I will also be attending an event at the Eastern Michigan Student Center called Parenting Across Race and Culture (PARC) on Saturday, May 17.  Look for more information about PARC here:  HATW on Facebook

It has been an exciting month for LGBT couples in Michigan.   For just one day, same-sex marriage was legal in this state.    Here in Washtenaw County, some of the county clerk’s staff opened the office for some lucky couples on that special Saturday.   Of course, the legal system shut things down pretty quickly and it was over as fast as it had begun.    However, all of this led to a ramped up LGBT Wedding Expo with a whopping 80 vendors to help LGBT couples spend their money on a lavish wedding.  I was there hosting the information table from Hands Across the Water (HATW) because, for many, if you’re getting married, then children are soon to follow. 

 

There was a party-like atmosphere at the show with DJ’s blasting the music and the most unique fashion show that I have ever seen.  According to organizer, Jan Stevenson, usually the fashion show just features brides.  This time around she sent couples down the runway    Every one was holding hands and taking advantage of the openness of the event to steal a kiss or two.  Many of the couples I spoke to were sure that building a family was in their future.  Others just enjoyed thinking about the possibility. 

LGBT couples have found that foster care is a wonderful route to parenthood.  It is affordable and often leads to adoption.   Foster parenting provides the opportunity to help a child who may have never known what a healthy and happy home looks and feels like.  A foster parent’s primary job is to provide a home for the child while the birth family works toward reunification of their family.  If healing the birth family is unsuccessful, the child will become available for adoption.

The state of Michigan is facing a shortage of foster parents and the laws are favorable to same sex couples.   Each potential foster family must complete the licensing process (usually that takes two to six months).    HATW provides 12 hours of free training to educate families on the background of the children and possible behavioral challenges.   Applicants need to provide documentation detailing finances, medical health, and any past involvement with law enforcement.  (Yes, this process is challenging but it is also so rewarding!)  Both partners are licensed as foster parents and share an equal responsibility for the children.

The laws in Michigan are currently set up to enable one parent in a same-sex relationship to adopt a child.  The LGBT community is hopeful that this law will change soon and allow both parents to adopt a child.   The process is free, the training is free and the benefits are many!

This May, HRC is proud to celebrate National Foster Care Month by honoring the leaders at child welfare agencies that are committed to improving outcomes for LGBTQ youth, the LGBTQ foster youth themselves, adn the foster families supporting them.  Stay tuned to HRC blog throughout the month for more foster care heroes.

Is the Foster Care/Adoption Sytem Broken?

I really enjoy writing this blog.  The biggest payback that I get is reading everyone's comments about the things that I have written.  I feel very lucky that people trust me enough to post some personal details of their lives or ask me for advice.  I monitor the comments every day to ensure that I answer as quickly as I can.  I have been writing this blog for 2 years now and for the first time there has been some negative comments posted.  I wasn't sure how I felt about that to start with because so much of my personal self is written here.  After some thought, I decided that I was glad to see my blog through a different set of eyes for a few moments.  I realized that I am a very lucky person because I have been on both sides of the system.  When I say "system," I am referring to the entire world of foster care and adoption that includes birth parents, foster parents, extended family, the State of Michigan and private agencies.  I have been a foster parent and worked with the State.  I have been an adoptive Mom and worked with birth parents.  I currently work at a private agency licensing and supporting foster parents. 

Let's talk about the system and the media.  The only information the average Joe receives about foster care is from the media.  The media only publishes stories that are the worst of the worst.  A quick example of this is the story that went viral about a foster family in Ohio that chained their foster children to their beds like dogs.  It was a horrible story and there are not enough adjectives in the dictionary for me to describe how I feel about a story like that.  Other favorite stories that appear commonly are about Grandparents fighting to get their grandchildren back from the foster care system.  Rehoming is the latest topic in the news where a family has adopted a child and then wants to get rid of the child.  They post an advertisement on an Internet site and send the child to a new home, for better or for worse.  Usually for the worst because the family has not been cleared or prepared to handle a child with challenging behaviors.  All of these news stories are true, but they do not represent the true work that the foster care system does. 

People talk about the system being broken or accuse the State of child trafficking (look for this kind of negative comment posted on my blog by a reader).  There is a common misconception that Child Protective Services (CPS) removes children from the family they were born in for the smallest of reasons.  Only to place them in a system where they are guaranteed to be abused by a malicious foster family.  Another common theme in the media (and my personal pet peeve) is that foster families are only in it for the money.  We have all heard about stories where 18 medically handicapped children are living in a small home, not receiving proper care and the foster parents are living large off of State money. 

Now, lets talk about the system that I have experienced.  I have never witnessed a foster home with more than 6 children living in it.  Some of the children I have seen placed into foster care by CPS have been malnourished from neglect. Some are emotionally and mentally traumatized from witnessing drug abuse and learn to be street smart as a result of learning how to find their own food when a birth parent too drunk to get off the couch.  I have met children who at 7 years old know how to care for a baby sibling competently because no one else in the home will.  I have barely been able to absorb the grief of grandparents who are now caring for a grandchild but grieving the death of that child's 18 month old sibling from some horrific action from their own child.  My own adopted son came into foster care because his twin sister died in her crib.  The actual cause of death is unknown but the possibilities are heart breaking.  I know for a fact that she was not fed properly because my son came to me at 3 months old weighing 8 pounds.  That is a weight a child is born at.  A child who is 3 months old should be around 13 pounds.   He was obviously malnourished the first time I held him in my arms as a foster mother.  Some one dared suggest to me that the child may have died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  Maybe that would be a possibility in a home that provided loving care but that was not the case here.    I will leave you to draw your own conclusions on that one as my opinions are probably biased.  The bottom line here is that CPS exists because parents are abusing children.  They do not remove a child from the home unless there is specific evidence that the child is in danger.  Services are provided to preserve the family and get them the help they need long before a child is removed from the home.  They system isn't perfect and sometimes a worker has to make a decision that may not seem clear.  Most workers do the best that they can with the evidence presented.

The phrase "child trafficking" implies that the system is removing children from the home to make money by selling them for adoption.  Really!! If this thought crosses your mind, please refer to the list of known child abuses listed above.  I would also like to inject a quick note here about international adoption.  Have you seen the pictures of orphanages in other countries?  There are people in my office who have seen and visited children in these orphanages.  These places are real and children need to be rescued from them.  Are there bad agencies and bad people that exploit adoption and foster care for money?  The answer is yes.  There are bad eggs in a few cartons out there.  But that doesn't mean that we shut down the entire system.  I applaud those who are working with our government to open international adoption back up and allow parents in this country to rescue children in other countries.  Children need to be protected and people in the system are doing their best to accomplish that. 

My personal opinion about the system from my perspective of within and without is that there are good people doing their best to help as many children as they can.  It is a good thing to ask questions and monitor the rules.   The lives of children are at stake in the system.  If someone is crooked or not doing their job properly, a child suffers the consequences.  Licensing rules are in place to protect the children in care and the families that foster them.  The rules also strive to help put families back together again if possible.  It is easy for the media to report on horrific stories and leave out important facts that agencies and the State are left to deal with.  The result of negative stories in the media is that people are discouraged from becoming foster families that can help the children immediately.  When I started the licensing process to become a foster family, members of my extended family were very concerned that I was opening myself up to the danger of public scrutiny.  My desire to help children helped me to push forward and ignore questions that I did not have answer too.  Some may decide that the risks are too great, and that makes me sad.

My advice is to do  some research about foster care and the agency that you want to work with.  Get to know the people who you are working with in your agency.  Seek out public reviews of the agency and don't dismiss them on the first negative review.  A good agency will stand up for the rules at the cost of their brand name, all in the interest of helping children.  Attend some trainings at the agency to explore the things they are teaching.  Training is free and will be credited by any agency that you land with.  Ask questions and if they aren't answered to your satisfaction, move on to the next one.  A foster family can choose age, race, and disability level of the children they open their home to.  Explore your family's strengths and weaknesses to figure out what you can handle and what you can't handle.   Licensing is not a test of your ability to take on the most difficult children in the world.  It is a process to find the best family for each individual child.  Foster and adoptive families rescue children one at a time by providing a healthy and safe environment where the child can grow and overcome the challenges of a traumatic past.  After the news story has past and the arguments in court have died down, it is the foster parent that kisses a child goodnight and provides a hug every day that makes the system work and saves a child's life.

I have learned that my blog is an open book and I know that people are entitled to their opinion.  However, in the interest of protecting myself from flame throwing idealists and advertising spam, I will now review each comment before I allow it to be published.  My purpose is not to eliminate negative comments but rather to promote an open discussion.  I am sure that nobody wants to hear from spam sites promoting sexual toys and will be glad that I hit the delete button before it is published.  Please don't let my review process stop you from commenting either negatively or positively on my blog.  I want us to be able to learn from each other and we can only do that if there is honesty.

Who is Watching?

When a foster child enters my home, my family is immediately under the public spotlight.  Friends and family will notice right way that I have an extra child and start asking questions.  In my case, the cashier's down at Kroger always seem to know when my family has expanded and point it out to me. My family is a very public family because we are active in our community and I am standing at the corner twice a day in front of the elementary school as the crossing guard. This is good because I love my community and it is very supportive.  However, it has a down side because when people are paying attention to your family it draws criticism.  It is important to realize that when you become a foster family, everyone is now watching your family and act accordingly. 

Who is watching?

 The first and most important new party involved in your private life is your social work agency.  The child placed in your home will have a case worker assigned to him or her that will visit once a month. Their job is to communicate with the child, listen to your concerns and generally monitor your home.  This same case worker is assigned the child's birth family and will facilitate visitation and communication between the child and his/her family.  If this worker witnesses something that falls outside of the foster care rules and regulations, she will address the issue. Remember that the agency and the case worker are not out to personally attack your family.  It is their job to ensure that the child is placed in a safe and loving home.  Some of the foster care rules may seem just a little nuts but they are there for the safety of the child and to protect you too.  One of my favorite weird rules is the one that states you cannot use a garage as a bedroom area.  This may seem like this is stating the obvious, but someone, somewhere must have gotten the bright idea to put a bed in the garage and call it a bedroom.  This is wrong on so many levels!  If you want to use the square footage of your garage, do a proper remodel with a ceiling, floor, closet and windows.  The most important rule for your protection as a foster family is having a fire alarm on every floor.  This protects your own family as well as the foster child.  Fire can happen to anyone and easy to detect.  Please don't get mad when the agency asks you to spend money and add them to your home.

The second party involved in your life are the child's birth parents.  I realize that my last statement may raise all kinds of red flags in your brain and that is normal.  It is important to understand that the birth family does not just disappear or have no say in their child's care.  They can and they do have opinions about everything that you do.  As a foster family, you can choose the level of involvement that you have with your foster child's family according to your comfort level.  Even if you choose to have no contact with the family, you will still have to get permission through the caseworker to do simple things like cutting the child's hair.  Until an adoption is finalized, it is very important to remember that you are caring for someone else's child.  This fact is very hard to remember when the child is in your home 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  If the birth parent finds a suspicious mark or bruise on the child, they will contact the caseworker.  Birth parents can be very appreciative of your family caring for their child, or they may not be and report every little thing they see.

The third party now involved in your personal life, I have already mentioned, and that is the general public.  Foster families are not positively represented by the news media.  The media always jumps on the worst representation of our group and abusive foster families make great news stories.   In addition, the foster child may have behavioral issues that you are working on but look very bad when doing the grocery shopping and the child has a melt down.  Firmly removing the child from the store can easily be misconstrued as abuse by a stranger who may be overly sensitive.  For example, the best method to remove a child from a public place is to take their hand and lead them out.  A child in full blown tantrum mode is going to require physically picking them up or a firm grip on the arm to make some forward motion.  The child will resist by pulling back and you will respond by tightening the grip and pulling harder.  None of which is abuse or against the rules in foster care.  However, a stranger will only see your struggle with the child or you yanking the child's arm harder than necessary.  That well meaning stranger will have no idea how patient you truly are when the child punches you in the head to get loose or fires a well aimed kick at your shin and you calmly carry him out!

Some people will ask very inappropriate questions in front of the child and you are stuck digging for a tactful answer that will protect the child's feelings.   Some people will call the child abuse hotline to report you.  The birth parents may campaign in the case worker's ear for removal of the children from your home.  All of these possibilities are scary and frustrating for a family who just wants to help a child.  It is a very difficult thing to open your home and your heart to public criticism and your agency and your case workers know this fact well. 

Now that I have scared you away from becoming a foster family, I want to share with you some remedies to this problem and remind you that it really is the best job in the world.  The best defense against public opinion is to shield your family as much as possible.  Ignore that busybody in the grocery store because she is not worth your time.  Have an answer ready in your head for overly personal questions that discourages further comments.  For instance, "I would rather not share personal details about my child in public" can send someone in the other direction right away.  You can use some humor by saying, "Yes, this child does look different from me, but you should see the purple child I left at home!"  If someone reports your family to child protective services, try to remain calm and call your worker right away.  A good agency will advocate and support their foster families.  Your honesty about the situation a willingness to follow procedure will help you through the situation.  I believe the most wonderful thing that you can do for the public image of a foster family is to be positive, share your love of children, and be a good example.  These children need a home where they can feel loved and supported.  Where they can learn to stand up for themselves and answer proudly that their family is a foster family.  Be proud of who you are and what you are doing because there are not enough families willing to become a foster family.  Since we are in the public eye anyway, I encourage you to take the opportunity to educate others either through discussion or example.  

  

Aging Out of the Foster Care System

 In the foster care world, there has been a lot discussion about children aging out of the system. It is a topic that I have stayed away from because it is a difficult for me to wrap my mind around. Aging out is the official term used by professionals to describe a foster care child who has technically become an adult and has been turned loose in the world. Each state has different ages when the child is termed an adult. In Michigan, the laws were changed in the beginning of 2013 to continue supporting a foster child until the age of 21. This was an exciting change for human service providers because it meant that a foster family would be able to continue parenting the child into adulthood. 

My oldest son is 22 years old and is very independent. He is attending a community college certification in auto body repair. He has a part time job in his field already and has a second job on the side at an auto parts store. As you can see, cars are his passion and he is well on his way to supporting himself. I am very proud of how hard he works and how focused he is on his goals. Would he be this successful if his father and I had decided that he didn't need any further parenting on the day he turned 18? Probably not. We continue to support him financially to help him complete his degree. We co-signed on a loan so that he could buy his first car.  His Uncle is in the auto insurance business and gave him his first job. He has worked on cars for years in our garage and used his father's tools to build his love of working on cars. As a mom, I still buy him clothing when I notice that his jeans have become too raggedy for wearing out in public. I question him to make sure he is paying his monthly bills and help him make phone calls when things get challenging. This is what my parents did for me and I believe it to be just another stage of parenting. I can't imagine cutting off parental support at 18 or 21 just because the child has reached "adulthood."

About five years ago, my daughter brought home a young man she had met in high school. His name was Matt and he was very tall. My youngest kids were fascinated by his height and he enjoyed picking them up so they could touch the ceiling. He started hanging out at the house, sleeping over, and eating some food. It was not unusual for my kids to bring home other kids who they thought needed an extra hand or something to eat. Matt fell into this category. When the stray kids start eating at my house, I start asking questions. I learned that Matt was a foster child and his foster family lived and worked at the federal prison that employs many people in my home town. At another meal I learned that he thought his foster family didn't like him very much. When he started showing up at my house during the day, I found out that he liked to skip school and may not graduate on time. At this point, I began to wonder about his foster family. How come they didn't stop him from skipping school. Why was he always spending the night at my house? As graduation neared, I found out that Matt was going to be 18 years old in June and he need a place to live. More questions produced the response that when he turned 18 he was done with foster care and his foster family was going to toss him out. Before I could pursue this problem, Matt was arrested for stealing cars and found a new home in jail for at least a year. I have not heard from him since but I think about him often.

At the time, I didn't realize that what happened to Matt was a common occurrence for foster children who are aging out of the system. These are children that have never been adopted and never sent home to their birth families but have remained in the system for years. Homelessness, jail sentences and criminal behavior are common side effects of their life in the system. I became aware of the problem when I began working as a professional in the field of foster care and found that youth aging out of the system was a common topic at meetings. Things have very recently changed for young adults in the this situation. The first change was continuing foster care support until the age of 21. The second change is an amazing number of new programs designed to help kids in this situation. There are many programs providing support in financial areas, independent living schools, and attending college. Just a few of the programs that I have come across in my work are:  Our House, The Connection,  and CareHouse. There are many more out there. If you would like more information on the services I am aware of, just send me an email. The third change in the system was in permanency planning. The system now works hard to form a permanency plan for a child in the system within one year of becoming a foster child. The child will either return home to his birth family, find a home with relatives, or become available for adoption. This is the most important change that will pay off in the long run. No longer will children just remain in the system for years until they become a statistic in jail or on the street. Foster families are playing a very important role in these changes too.

When I first met Matt, I fell into the trap of judging his foster parents. I wondered why he was running loose in the community with no supervision. I realize now that they were at the end of their rope with Matt and did not know how to help him any longer. His behavior had become unbearable on the rest of the family and there weren't any programs out there to help a child like Matt. His foster family did the best that they could under the circumstances and Matt resisted any attempts to encourage him to change. Looking at my own children, I cannot imagine pushing them out the door on their 18th birthday. They are not ready to be completely independent of the family's love and support yet. Matt's story is a common one and the blame is often placed on the foster home. They are labeled as people who are only in foster care for the money or as people who don't care The real story is that Matt's foster family did care about him and did everything they could to help him. With the changes in the system, foster families are partners with the agency and the birth family to help the child receive the services needed and find a family of their own.  I am glad that there are family's in this State that are willing to open their home's to a child in need and do everything they can to help that child succeed in life. Loving foster families are truly the key to preventing another child from becoming a statistic.

Foster Care and Finances

All is well at my house. Christmas was pretty good, New Year Eve was peaceful and the kids have had three snow days in a row. That means that I don't have to do my crossing guard job in the polar freeze that is happening in Michigan right now. (Yeah me!) We had some bumpy patches during Christmas vacation but on the bizarre scale that I judge my life by nothing caused a great deal of upset. Nobody is in jail, everyone old enough has a job, and we spent some good family time together. That is all I can ask at this point. On one super positive note, my oldest son plowed the driveway everyday this week with his dump truck and his girl friend did the sidewalks. I didn't have to pick up a shovel until the end of the big snow. (Again with the yeah me!) January is usually the month where my mind focuses on the family finances because I am always digging out from the financial avalanche caused by Christmas and tax season is ahead. In my professional life, helping foster parents obtain financial assistance has become a surprising aspect of licensing.

I work with several families who are becoming licensed to be a kinship foster family. A kinship foster family occurs when a member of a family becomes the primary caregiver for another family member's children. Typically it is grandparents fostering their grandchildren, but it can be an aunt, uncle or cousin taking the children into their home.  A kinship foster family is eligible to receive foster care reimbursements from the State of Michigan as a regular foster family would. This is tremendously helpful for retired grandparents who are suddenly shouldering the financial burden that children bring when they may already be retired and out of the work force. These payments are intended to assist with food, housing, and clothing for the children and are an important part of the foster care system. Imagine having a ten year old suddenly move into your house. The child will immediately need clothing (because they rarely come with more than a few days worth of clothes) and school supplies right away. A ten year old is another mouth at the table and the grocery bill is going to go up. Add in doctor appointments and visitation with the birth parents and your gas bill has skyrocketed. A baby or a toddler is even more expensive with the necessities of diapers and formula. Finances for a foster family can get tight very quickly. Kinship families also need to go through the licensing process which can take up to six months. Once the license is official, reimbursements can begin and things get easier.  When my husband and I were exploring the idea of becoming foster parents, he was very concerned about the financial side of things. We were both willing to provide for a child who may return home but we did not have buckets of money sitting around waiting to be spent on a needy child. I was a stay at home mom and we were living on one income. An important piece of information that every foster parent needs to know is that will take up to six weeks for the flow of money from the State to get going. This information did not come up at any of the training sessions we attended and caused a lot of frustration.  Kinship families are looking at a much longer wait because of the licensing process.  This information would not have dampened my desire to become a foster parent, but it would have helped me plan better. So I am sharing it with you and underlining it so that you don't miss it.

My husband and I look at children very differently.  Once I have a child in my home and in my arms, money does not enter my head.  I think that when a child comes through our door that my husband can see dollar signs floating above the child's head.  The younger the child, the more dollar signs are there.  I am mocking my husband affectionately because his skill at budgeting enables us to share our home with children in need.  We had one little guy who was about 5 years old arrive on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend.  He was an emergency placement because he was one of five siblings and there were no homes with enough beds available to accommodate the entire sibling group.  Many foster families were full or on vacation because of the holiday.  So the social worker quickly located three homes and split the group up until other arrangements could be made. This child arrived in a very dirty state with wet shoes and no clothing.  His shoes smelled so bad that I knew they needed to be thrown away.  Usually, I like to let a child feel more at home before we tackle the challenges of bathing.  However, this child needed a bath immediately and clean clothing to wear afterwords.  Luckily, I had some clothing that was close to his size and we made due. Here is another valuable tip, always have some extra clothing around in various sizes for an emergency. Sweat pants, t-shirts and pajamas are some of the best to keep on hand.  I did not have any shoes in his size so I sent my husband down to the store to purchase some.  The little guy left our home three days later in new shoes and with several changes of clothing that he was comfortable in.  This is not an unusual scenario in the foster care world and can create quite a financial drain on foster families.

Another issue that pops up from time to time in the newspaper are families who claim to be loving foster families when they are in fact a group home and just in the business to earn money.  These are people who take in more children than they can possibly care for.  We have all read these kinds of stories with over-sized families where a child is abused or neglected and the family is accused of just taking in children for the State money.  This really does happen and both the family and the agency that allows it are at fault.  The downside is that good foster families who just want to help a child are stereotyped into this category and it discourages new families from signing up to foster.  When I am training new families, I tell them that there is no way to make money from taking in foster children if you are doing it correctly.  A child has needs and the amount the State pays is just enough to cover those needs.

If you are thinking about becoming a foster parent, I recommend that you ask questions and do some research to learn about the financial impact on your family.  Visit the Department of Human Services website in your state to find out what the daily rate is for foster families.  Ask your licensing worker about day care costs, clothing allowances, and medical care.  A good agency will also be able to refer you to local programs where you can get gently used clothes and children's furniture at low cost or free.  Foster families automatically qualify for food stamps and WIC to help with food and formula costs.  It is important that foster families use these programs to prevent financial strain on personal finances.   I will be honest and share that my husband was very uncomfortable accepting food stamps from the government.  However, at one point, we had three foster children in our home and they all needed three meals a day.  So I went down and applied for the assistance.  We both learned that food stamps enabled us to better help the children in our home.  I learned to be proud of the fact that we were a foster family helping children who had already suffered more than any child should.  I found that when more people knew what we did, that more help would often arrive unasked for.  Many people donated clothing, some provided scholarships for extra curricular activities, and some babysat for us.  I did not go around wearing a sign and begging for help.  I just was just honest about the children in our home and the word spread through the community.

I want other families to be able to welcome a foster child into their home and not have to worry about the financial strain .  I hope by sharing my knowledge that I can make another family's foster care journey a little easier.