Multiple Foster Homes or Disrupted Placements

We have all heard the stories from former foster youth who grew up in the system.  Their stories often share the same common problem of growing up in multiple foster homes. More than two homes is bad in my book but there are stories of children who are moved five or more times during childhood and finally just aged out of the system.  What causes a caseworker to move a child so many times?  Who are these foster families that keep rejecting this child?  Is the foster care system so bad that it cannot find just one home for one child?  The answers to these questions are not easy to find.  It is too easy to say that the foster care system or foster family failed a child once again.  It is also too easy to say as a new foster family, "I will never send a child from my home."  

I have had a specific child on my mind for about a month now.  I was at a meeting that included several foster care agencies and one of the agencies was looking for a home for a child.  In professional lingo it is called a placement request where agencies collaborate on locating an appropriate foster home for a specific child.  This child is three and half years old and needs to be transferred from his current foster home to a new home because of behavior issues.  Further information reveals that he is part of a sibling group of four children and he needs to be separated from his siblings, again because of behavior issues.  The newest foster home will be his fourth foster home.  The foster mother side of my brain is already shouting, "For heaven's sake this child is only 3 years old, how bad can his behavior truly be!!!"  This happened quite a while ago and I do not know if a home was found for this child.  However, this child has continued to creep into my thoughts.  He has remained in my brain long enough that I discussed him with my husband.  Discussing a child with my husband is a really big deal because when I went to work in this field I promised him that I would not bring another child home.  We have five children and are very happy to say that our family is complete.  However, my husband does understand the very real risk that I may not be able to resist temptation.  Hopeless cases are the worst kind of temptation for me, but I am just built that way.  Most people are not.  

So what happened in this small child's life that brought him to this place?  Obviously, abuse and neglect by his birth family brought him into the foster care system.  But why three foster homes, with a soon to be fourth?  My innocent mental shout about this child's behavior is not a fair judgment on those previous foster homes.  Most people think of behavior problems as tantrums, hitting or something similar.  However, a child affected by trauma can bring bad behavior to new levels that are hard to imagine.  Some of the most challenging behaviors that I have seen are bed wetting every night for months, hurting a family pet, hurting or battling with another child in the home or even acting aggressively toward a foster parent.  It should also be said that rarely does this bad behavior mean one isolated incident.  It occurs frequently and corrective action seems to have no effect.  Providing a loving home for a child with these kinds of challenges will test even the most seasoned foster parents.  Can a foster family that has tried everything under the sun to help a child and had no success be blamed for giving up?  

One of the points that are taught in PRIDE classes is that the safety and health of your own family needs to come first above the needs of a foster child.  This is a hard concept to wrap the brain around until it has been experienced.  I had a foster daughter that was the same age as my biological son.  I thought "twinning" them would be no big deal.  I could not have been more wrong.  Our family spent a year trying to adjust and work out the differences with no success.  The mother in me would have adopted her in a heartbeat but it was not what was best for my son.  So I let go.  It is now 10 years later and I still carry thoughts of her in my head.  I am sure that I made the right decision for my family but at what cost to her?  The intricacies of foster care are a tangled web of choices by all parties involved.

There are some very appropriate times to request that a child be moved from a foster family.  Here is a list of possibilities.  If the foster child is physically threatening to a family member and all attempts to change the behavior have failed.  If the foster child has sexually abused another member of the household or has been behaving in an overly sexual way towards others.  If the personalities in the household are not getting along over an extended period of time.  In all of these cases, an agency will recommend counseling or other services for the child and possibly the family too.  An agency does not move a child unless the need is great enough.  A foster family can also choose to continue the placement.  I recommend that you find a support group to attend and learn as much about the child's condition as you can.  The rewards of succeeding with a very troubled child are astounding and amazing. 

Foster families are all created differently and each experience is unique.   The thought of a child with extreme behavior issues has chased many potential foster families away because of fear.  Not all foster children have extreme behaviors. I have often been surprised by a family who seemed to be tailor made to handle a particular child. I admire those who choose not to give up and I understand the heartbreak and grief of those who need to make a change.  There are no black and white rules when it comes to children in foster care.    

The foster care system is working hard to address the issue of multiple placements.  There is now collaboration between state social services and private agencies to increase the chance of finding a home that fits a child's needs.  Placing a child in a home that is good fit right from the start is an important piece of the puzzle.  In the three year old's case, the caseworker is looking for a home with no other children or pets.  Everything that is known about the child's behavior will be disclosed and services put in place to help both the foster family and the foster child.  Will all of this make for a loving home for this child?  No one knows, but we do the best that we can.  Watch for the stories from foster youth who have found their forever family, or stories about the family that never gave up on them. Those stories are out there too and keep the hope alive for foster families that hope to make a difference in a child's life. 

Here is a link to a blog that I really enjoy.  I hope you will too!  Never a Dull Moment