Crossing Over to the Other Side

I really enjoy writing this blog on both a personal and a professional level.  I think one of the reasons that my blog appeals to people in foster care or thinking about foster care are the personal stories from my own family life that I include here.  I love writing about my family and my experiences but lately my well has run a little dry on personal stories.  I thought that it was because I was finally learning to keep my private life to myself, but I realized today that wasn't the reason.  My teenagers continue to provide many incidents to write about on a daily basis.  I am sure there are people out there who live quiet and uneventful lives.  I am not one of them.  I think the Kardashian's are pretty boring compared to my family, or any family involved in foster care for that matter.  The real reason is that lately, I have been focusing more on my job than my family.  As I cross the line farther and farther into social worker territory, I find that I am looking at foster care through a different lens than I used to.

As a foster parent, I had the luxury of mocking the rules.  I often rolled my eyes when presented with another crazy procedure or policy that I had to follow.  My favorite example of this is when the State of Michigan assigned a lawyer to my three month old foster son, Dylan.  The lawyer was required to visit Dylan at least once prior to each court date.  So every three months, this nice man would call me to schedule a home visit to visit with Dylan.  I would clean up like a mad woman and dress the baby in the nicest outfit I could find.  Tom would come and hold Dylan for an hour and chat with me.  My husband and I would laugh together about what a waste of state money this seemed to be.  I never went to court as a foster parent so I had no idea what the lawyer ever accomplished in Dylan's behalf.  Now that I am on the other side of tracks, I know exactly what Tom's job was and how important it really is.  Foster children are assigned a lawyer to add another voice to advocate for the child.  Dylan may not have needed his services at 3 months old but a 10 year old or a teenager can speak with the lawyer and make their personal wishes known.  The lawyer is also one more person viewing the foster home on a monthly basis to make sure the child is in a safe environment and bonding well with the foster family.  I miss rolling my eyes at rules because the reason for the rules always has a dark and sinister reason behind it.  In this case, a lawyer provides a personal voice for the child in court.  Haven't we all read stories about a foster child moving from home to home or placed with a relative that everyone thought was safe?  When someone advocates for the child in court, it adds another view point and another layer of protection for the child.  Many, many crazy rules are in place for the child's protection and that is the most important reason of all.  

There is a dark side to foster care that I was completely oblivious to as a foster parent.  Children do get moved from home to home, but there are really good reasons to do so!  The media only describes the fact that Johnny has been in five different foster homes.  They leave out the fact that Johnny may hurt other children in the home, that he may run away from his foster home, that some foster parents cannot handle his behavior challenges.  See, now I am talking like a social worker again.  I used to have one foot on either side of the line.  Now, I find myself hopping back and forth.  I get mad at my supervisor for sending me to investigate a complaint against a foster home that hits too close to home.  I get mad at the foster family for not following the rules that are there to protect them and the child, causing an investigation.  I am mad that I love this profession so much and that it requires me to judge the safety of a home and the sincerity of the family.   Here a few quick rules that drives me crazy on both sides of the line.

1.  Having a phone in the home at all times:  Many people only use cell phones now and no longer have a land line.  The agency needs to be able to reach a foster parent at all times! Why does a foster family have to pay for a land line they never use?

2.  Egress windows in the basement:  You cannot have a play area or a bedroom in the basement with no window to escape from in case of fire.  Do you really want to be the foster family in the news where the child died in a fire because there was no escape from the basement?  That really happened, by the way.  The other side of this rule is the fact that everyone uses their basement for additional space (including myself) without consideration of safety.

3.  References:  Why do I have to beg my neighbor or my coworker to vouch for me as a parent?  It is embarrassing.  Because the agency needs to make sure that you are not a crazy person (and your neighbors would know!).

I could go on and on with this list but I will save it for a part two in a future post.  I would like to add a quick plug for support groups.  I run a support group for foster parents every month and it is one of my favorite parts of my job.  I get to take all this knowledge that I have on both sides of the line and help others through the process.  However, I can honestly say that I have never attended a support group as an attendee.  I received quite an eye opening moment over this fact recently.  If you are a regular reader, then you know that I have an 18 year old son who is struggling with drug addiction.  That is a nice social worker sentence that sums up the agony of my life in less than 10 words.  I have spent hours on the phone learning about substance abuse programs and trying to find a program that will be covered by my insurance that isn't located 300 miles away.  I argue with my son and plan strategy with my husband.  It is safe to say that this issue has consumed most of my life recently.  I found a place and scheduled an appointment to get him assessed.  I extracted a promise from my son that he would go to the appointment and listen to what the counselor had to say.  Unfortunately, my son backed out and refused to go to the appointment.  I was devastated.  I called the counselor to cancel, repeating to myself that this probably happens in her line of work all the time.  She was very nice and at the end of the conversation I asked if I am doing the right thing in working so hard to get my unwilling son treatment.  In a very quiet voice, she suggested that I attend the local support group for people with family members with substance abuse problems.  I could tell the exact moment that she took off her social work hat and become just another devastated mother with a child refusing help.  I realized all over again how helpful it is to talk to others with similar experiences.  I am going to attend this group because I know that these people will have practical advice on how to navigate the system and how to survive this trauma as a parent. My eye opening thought was that I don't need to go through this alone.  There is help out there.  As a person hosting a support group, I should have remembered this fact.  Well, now I do and I am sharing it with you.  

The support group that I host is for people at any stage of fostering or adopting a child.  It is called the A-OK Parents Group and meets the second Friday of every month from 6:30 to 8:30 at Hands Across the Water.  Refreshments and child care are provided. Call the office to pre-register at 734-477-0135.   A support group is a wonderful place to listen, learn and ask questions. Come and join us!