My
readers often leave comments that show their appreciation for my honesty.
I love those comment because they encourage me to continue writing and it
is a great feeling to know that I can help others with this crazy life of mine.
However, I often sit in front of my computer and wonder how I am going to
share my latest thoughts without sharing more than I really intend to.
For instance, I am pretty sure that most of my co-workers, personal
friends, and my church family are regular readers. As I was writing my
last post, Motherhood is Complicated, I really thought hard about writing about
my son and his current challenges. Did I
really want to announce that my child
had been arrested and I was in agony over his choices to everyone? Not really!
I chose to be more subtle than a direct statement by the time the post
was complete. However, I have had a
change of heart since I wrote that last post.
One of the perks of reading the blog of a stranger is getting to peek in
someone else's window. For me as a
reader, it is about connecting with someone who may be going through the same
things that I am and learning from their experiences. So I have decided that as a writer I would
like to be as honest as I can be to help others who want to become foster
parents.
So
now I am going to serve up some real honesty about my son and his situation
even if it gets a little embarrassing to do so. Jason is 17 years old and a very friendly
guy. He loves people and he has many
friends. His teacher's love having him
in class, even though he is an under achieving student (that translates to
borderline failing sometimes). He gives
me a hug everyday just because he wants too.
For this mother, he has been a joy to raise until he became a
teenager. Jason's biggest flaw is that
he bows to peer pressure far too easily.
I believe following his friends into the world of cigarettes, then marijuana,
and now maybe some prescription pills was his downfall. I am not saying that Jason is not at fault
for the decisions that he has made but I do believe that it started because he
just didn't say no. It can be very
humiliating to share the details of Jason's struggle because I spend plenty of
time wondering what I did wrong and judging myself as a parent. I am just too raw and wounded to take words
about the situation from anyone else. As
a parent, I am always working on Jason's problems. He has many problems in school and it is an
on-going project to keep him in high school with passing grades. This year he started his senior year at the
third high school of his academic career.
I am sure I will post in the future about helping a troubled child to
become a success in school. Right now I
am helping him navigate probation and community service as a consequence of his
arrest. Counseling and substance abuse
help are also rotating through his life.
I have reluctantly acquired a
great deal of knowledge about how to help a troubled teenager.
I
am sharing Jason's story with my readers because life is not perfect and
sometimes the life of foster parent becomes much more difficult that ever imagined. In
fact, many of my clients start out with stars in their eyes hoping to bring
home their perfect forever child. Yes,
that does happen but that perfect child brings their own personality and past
trauma with them. Good social workers
are open and honest about each child entering a new family. However, the reality of foster care is that
social workers often do not have much information before the child is placed. I had a child placed in my home for two weeks
before I found out that I was calling this beautiful baby by the wrong
name! The birth parents had used a fake
name when dealing with child protective services. Thankfully, the child doesn't remember that
little mix up! Regardless of where the
child came from there are unknown challenges ahead in the journey of parenting. Jason happens to be my biological child but I
have faced challenging behavior from my foster children too. I know that he grew up in a loving
environment and was taught about the dangers of drug use because I was
there! If there is a perfect child out
there, I have yet to find him or her.
Adoptive and foster parents should realize that there will be challenges
ahead and they should be fully committed to work through the issues. Putting the child back on a plane to Russia or
selling the child to someone else are not available options to those of us who
are not insane. I confess to some
serious self pity and a full day (or two) of wondering why this would happen in
my family but I forced myself to get over that quickly and buckle in to figure
out what to do next.
Being
a foster mom has taught me that there is always a solution to a situation. I am not sure what it is but I work hard to
find it. Start with your agency
resources. Call your case worker. Go to support group where you can talk freely
about what is going on in your home.
Other foster moms often have ideas to share. These woman are miracle workers when it comes
to bed wetting, hoarding and public tantrums.
In Jason's case, I received very valuable advice from an unexpected
source. Jason was required to go to
court and refused to allow me to get him a lawyer. I was scared to death he was going to be
tossed straight into jail. The
prosecuter (of all people!) called us into his office before Jason was to see
the judge and walked us through the process.
He advised me to participate in probation meetings and to not be afraid
to call and request a drug test if I felt it was necessary. I felt like I had some power again and some
tools to use to help my son and it
lifted a portion of the burden off of my shoulders.
I
have found that the price of honesty is worth paying because other people are
willing to lend a hand or a good piece of advice and share the burden. The youth leader at my church is willing to
encourage Jason to come to youth night again.
My best friend is willing to listen to my woes at lunch and lend a
shoulder to cry on. Once the probation officer
knew that Jason's parents wanted to be a part of the process, her entire
attitude changed. Yes, I am embarrassed,
okay mortified is a better word. But if
I were to keep this burden all to myself, I would not have found these
wonderful people who are so willing to lend a hand. The best reward of all is
that I have found some hope again and the strength to keep fighting my way
through this challenge. I will keep all
of you posted and hope that I have some better news to share about Jason in my
next post.
I've been where you are, too, Kristen and it is no easy place - especially for a mother to be. You are doing all the right things for your boy and most assuredly everything will work out eventually.
ReplyDeleteThanks Debbie! It has gotten easier in my house since I posted this but the worry is a constant patch on my brain. Thanks for the encouragement.
ReplyDelete