Motherhood is Complicated

I have been pondering motherhood a lot lately.  The cause for all of this pondering is, of course, my children.   My 17 year old has made some very poor choices lately and as a mother, I am taking that very personally.   It causes me to question how good a mother I truly am.  That sentence sounds even more horrible when I read it again.  Why would a mother of five and foster mother to six  question how good she is at being a mother?   Because that is what mother's do!!!!!!  At least all of the mother's that I know do. 

My relationship with my own mother has been complicated over the years.  I have always loved my mother but it has been a rocky relationship.  I couldn't stand her during my teenage years and I will shamefully admit to a low point in my 20's when I didn't speak to her for two years.  When she became Grandma to my children, I realized how much I needed her presence in my life.  Now that I am in my forties we have finally found a wonderful friendship.  Understanding my relationship with my mother is important because she taught me how to be a mother.

 Many people who are thinking about foster care, wonder what kind  of mother they will be.  I recommend taking a good honest look at your  own mother.  Chances are high that your style will be similar.  There is a certain amount  of fear (or maybe fearlessness!) involved in becoming a foster mother.   Fear of the unknown is a big factor.  Will the child have uncontrollable behavior issues?  Will I have to let go of a child?  Can I love a stranger's child?  Will the child like me?  There is fear deeply rooted in these questions because the answers can only be found in the experience.  I use the word fearlessness because becoming a foster parents means setting aside inner fears and learning as you go. 

I have a dear friend with children in the same age range as mine.  We often get together for lunch to swap stories, complain, and support each other.    She has been a true friend and great support for me when life is overwhelming.  I think she is a wonderful mother, actually a better mother than I am in many respects.  She thinks that is the silliest thing she has ever heard.  What we both agree on is that it is very difficult to see yourself realistically or objectively when deeply involved in the emotional ups and downs of raising children.  Maybe I will see myself in a crystal clear way when I am a retired empty nester.   In the meantime, I give myself permission to question my ability and cry over my son's difficulties whenever necessary. 

Why does all this matter?  Well, I had an epiphany on Monday about motherhood.  When I was young, all I wanted to be was a mother.   Not just any normal mother.  I wanted to be the perfect mother and do it so much better than my mother did (youth is so full of pride!).   Fast forward 20 years and 11 children later and I have a son who is making bed decisions.  I spent a morning wondering what I had done wrong.  The answer I came to accept by late afternoon is that I have done my best.   I have loved and supported my children to the best of my ability.  My son is 17 years old and had gone and made bad choices all on his own.  I can no longer control his destiny even though all I want to do is fix things and make it all better.  My mother did her best too.  Children grow up and start making decisions for themselves and even mother of the year can't change that fact. 

Foster children need mothers who are willing to do their best to provide love and support.  They don't need a perfect mother.  They just need someone who cares.  There were many things about my foster children's lives that I could not change that broke my heart.  I could not take away the pain of their past, but I learned that I can love them towards their future.  That is what I can continue to do for my son  as he works to dig himself out of the hole he has made in his own life.  I don't need to be a perfect mother, I just need to keep trying and do the best that I can.