My oldest son is 22
years old and is very independent. He is attending a community college
certification in auto body repair. He has a part time job in his field already
and has a second job on the side at an auto parts store. As you can see, cars
are his passion and he is well on his way to supporting himself. I am very
proud of how hard he works and how focused he is on his goals. Would he be this
successful if his father and I had decided that he didn't need any further
parenting on the day he turned 18? Probably not. We continue to support him financially
to help him complete his degree. We co-signed on a loan so that he could buy
his first car. His Uncle is in the auto
insurance business and gave him his first job. He has worked on cars for years
in our garage and used his father's tools to build his love of working on cars.
As a mom, I still buy him clothing when I notice that his jeans have become too
raggedy for wearing out in public. I question him to make sure he is paying his
monthly bills and help him make phone calls when things get challenging. This
is what my parents did for me and I believe it to be just another stage of
parenting. I can't imagine cutting off parental support at 18 or 21 just
because the child has reached "adulthood."
About five years ago,
my daughter brought home a young man she had met in high school. His name was
Matt and he was very tall. My youngest kids were fascinated by his height and
he enjoyed picking them up so they could touch the ceiling. He started hanging
out at the house, sleeping over, and eating some food. It was not unusual for
my kids to bring home other kids who they thought needed an extra hand or
something to eat. Matt fell into this category. When the stray kids start
eating at my house, I start asking questions. I learned that Matt was a foster
child and his foster family lived and worked at the federal prison that employs
many people in my home town. At another meal I learned that he thought his
foster family didn't like him very much. When he started showing up at my house
during the day, I found out that he liked to skip school and may not graduate
on time. At this point, I began to wonder about his foster family. How come
they didn't stop him from skipping school. Why was he always spending the night
at my house? As graduation neared, I found out that Matt was going to be 18
years old in June and he need a place to live. More questions produced the
response that when he turned 18 he was done with foster care and his foster
family was going to toss him out. Before I could pursue this problem, Matt was
arrested for stealing cars and found a new home in jail for at least a year. I
have not heard from him since but I think about him often.
At the time, I didn't
realize that what happened to Matt was a common occurrence for foster children
who are aging out of the system. These are children that have never been
adopted and never sent home to their birth families but have remained in the
system for years. Homelessness, jail sentences and criminal behavior are common
side effects of their life in the system. I became aware of the problem when I
began working as a professional in the field of foster care and found that
youth aging out of the system was a common topic at meetings. Things have very
recently changed for young adults in the this situation. The first change was
continuing foster care support until the age of 21. The second change is an
amazing number of new programs designed to help kids in this situation. There are
many programs providing support in financial areas, independent living schools,
and attending college. Just a few of the programs that I have come across in my
work are: Our House, The Connection, and CareHouse. There are many more out there.
If you would like more information on the services I am aware of, just send me
an email. The third change in the system was in permanency planning. The system
now works hard to form a permanency plan for a child in the system within one
year of becoming a foster child. The child will either return home to his birth
family, find a home with relatives, or become available for adoption. This is
the most important change that will pay off in the long run. No longer will
children just remain in the system for years until they become a statistic in
jail or on the street. Foster families are playing a very important role in
these changes too.
When I first met Matt,
I fell into the trap of judging his foster parents. I wondered why he was
running loose in the community with no supervision. I realize now that they
were at the end of their rope with Matt and did not know how to help him any
longer. His behavior had become unbearable on the rest of the family and there
weren't any programs out there to help a child like Matt. His foster family did
the best that they could under the circumstances and Matt resisted any attempts
to encourage him to change. Looking at my own children, I cannot imagine
pushing them out the door on their 18th birthday. They are not ready to be
completely independent of the family's love and support yet. Matt's story is a
common one and the blame is often placed on the foster home. They are labeled
as people who are only in foster care for the money or as people who don't care
The real story is that Matt's foster family did care about him and did everything
they could to help him. With the changes in the system, foster families are
partners with the agency and the birth family to help the child receive the
services needed and find a family of their own. I am glad that there are family's in this
State that are willing to open their home's to a child in need and do
everything they can to help that child succeed in life. Loving foster families
are truly the key to preventing another child from becoming a statistic.