Keep Learning

I have a bachelor's degree in Human Services that qualifies me to........Well, I was going to write that I am an educated professional and qualified to teach you something about foster care and child abuse.  However, most of my education about children in the system comes from personal experience.  When I write or teach about foster care, I do so from my own personal experiences as a foster mom and as a biological mom.  Kids are my thing.  I have never met a child (teenagers included here) that is well behaved all the time, gets good grades, loves his family, and grows up to become successful and happy.  That child does not exist.  Every child has their weaknesses and inner turmoil that will shape who they become.  I see a child as a life long project who is never quite done growing up.  I am 45 years old and still feel like I am growing up on the inside!  I love the challenge of trying to see a child from the inside, to get inside their head and truly figure out what is going on in there.  Once I can see the cause of the behavior, it becomes much easier to work out a solution.

Jason is my third child and never lets me forget that he is the middle child.  He tends to be a pessimist about life and his cup is always half empty.  I often respond or react with guilt because a middle child truly does not receive the same level of attention that the first born or the last born does.  But this has become a very nasty little habit for the both of us.  He is always unhappy with what he does receive and I always feel bad that it is not enough.  To some extent, as a mother I feel that I have created and perpetuated this bad attitude within my son.   Or, insert a big pause here, he has become quite the little plotter and knows how to push all of my buttons to get exactly what he wants.  Which one is the correct answer?

I read an amazing series of books this weekend written by David Pelzer.  The first book in the series is called, "A Child Called It."  The author writes from his own personal experiences of being severely abused as a child and his journey through foster care.  The three books were so riveting to me that I read all three in a weekend.  I just could not put them down for several reasons.   The first book is an intense and detailed account of the abuse David suffered at the hands of his mother.  It was so horrific that it is almost unreadable.  I  read it as fast as I could because it was just to painful to absorb.  I kept going because I wanted to read about his experiences in foster care and I just had to know how he escaped.  As I said above, I am fascinated with children and how their minds work.  David's case is extreme but often an extreme account can point out things that we normally would not see clearly.

I learned an amazing amount from these books, but they also reminded me of many things that I already knew.  For instance, most foster kids have behavior problems that stem from the trauma experienced before they entered foster care.  There will be another post about this topic soon.  Foster parents can change a child's life significantly just by providing a loving home.  Most importantly, I am reminded that no child should be labeled hopeless and given up on.  Children are a work in progress.  Foster parents need to remember this as one of the most valuable pieces of information they have.  When a foster parent can view a foster child from a whole picture perspective, it takes the frustration out of the struggle.  We can remember what the child has been through, how far they have come, and hope for where they are going.

Jason is my work in progress.  Things do not come easily to Jason.  He struggles at school, at church, at home, and with his brother.  He has never taken the golden road of achievement.  My husband and I have had many, many conversations that end with the sentence, "I am not going to give up on him."  Mostly because we do not know what else to say or do.  However, I can remember what he has been through and how far he has come.  Jason was not abused when he was a child but the lesson's still apply.  When I am frustrated and parenting (fostering or any other kind) seems too hard, a book like "A Child Called It" reminds me that every child has potential.  Some children can only move forward a tiny fraction at a time, but movement is movement and should be celebrated every painful inch of the way.  David Pelzer's books are painful to read, but in the interest of learning about these children that we care for, his experiences are invaluable.

As a parent I think it is our job to continue to learn about our children.  Read books and go to training classes.  Study your child and compare him or her to others.  Find a yard stick to measure your child by and then throw it out.  I say throw it out because society's yard stick is not going to work with our special kids.  Go through several until you find the one that is a true measurement of your child's progress.  Then celebrate small successes and keep moving forward.  I do not know where the finish line is on my children's road, but I want to get them as close to it as I can