There is someone extra living at my house. I am embarrassed to say that I did not notice this fact until several days after she moved in. When she arrived, she was hidden among a group of four other teenagers. Some of those left and she spent the night here. At my house, teenagers tend to come and go often. Most of them know that they are welcome to grab a bite to eat and hang out for awhile. As a result, I am never quite sure who is staying and who is just visiting. When this young lady showed up in my kitchen on Tuesday morning when no one else was home, I started asking questions. By this time, I was pretty sure that she had spent the night on Sunday and Monday.
It is now Friday (and she is still here) and I have gotten the full story. According to her, she is taking a break from her family. According to her mother, she has run away from home. According to the parents at the bus stop this morning, I should stop feeding teenagers and they may stop hanging out! So here I am wondering how I got dragged into this situation that I do not really want to be in. I have known this girl's family for many years and I count them as good friends. This puts me in a very sticky situation. I do not want to interfere with or judge my friend's parenting style. I do not want to enable this girl to hide from her issues. I absolutely to do not want another child to support and take care of. The five children of my own keep me busy enough.
I asked the parents at the bus stop this morning why teenagers in trouble always land at my house. One Mom pointed out that my own teenagers are the ones bringing them home. I thought that was very interesting and also true. My kids do this a lot. It is not unusual for one of them to ask if someone can spend the night or join us for dinner for concerning reasons. I am always surprised that my children are compassionate people. As I look back, I believe it is because they have learned so much from having foster children in our home. Foster children come with horrific stories from their pasts and I guess my children were listening and learning. I did not go into foster care planning on turning my biological kids into better people but it is a very nice side effect.
The other reason teenagers end up at my house is because of the food. I will sheepishly admit that I an extreme couponer and have been for years. As a result, my cupboards are very will stocked with teenager food. The only requirement I ask of someone sampling my stockpile is a guess on how much I paid for a particular item. I live for the moment that I can say, "it was free!!!!" The kids love this and it often turns into a mini episode of the Price is Right. Again I have experienced an unexpected side effect to my coupon habit. My children's friends like to be at my home because of the food. This allows me to get to know them and understand who my children choose as friends. As most parents will tell you, I would rather have my kids and their friends at my house than somewhere where I have to worry about them.
I am not sure what I am going to do about the fugitive living in my house yet beyond encouraging this young lady to talk about her situation. Sometimes a friend can offer advice that a child will listen to when they won't listen to a parent. That is all I have at the moment. In the meantime, she is doing a little housework and some laundry to earn her keep. I will keep you posted.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Embryo Adoption
I get to do some really amazing things in my job. I love working directly with foster kids and their foster families. I attend special events and host an information table about foster care. These things may look like work to you, but not to me. I get to play with kids and I get to eat elephant ears while chatting with people about my favorite subject, foster care! I am always learning new things about the foster care/adoption world. The latest bit of information to cross my path is embryo adoption. Here is a small article that I wrote for the Hands Across the Water (HATW) newsletter to give you an idea of what an embryo adoption is all about:
HATW has become a partner agency with Nightlight Christen Adoptions to provide a new service called Snowflakes Embryo Adoption for our families . According to the Nightlight website, “ The Snowflakes Program makes it possible to adopt embryos from couples who have completed In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and have remaining embryos.” These remaining embryos can be donated to the Snowflakes program where another couple can adopt the embryo, and give birth to their own adopted child. This is an exciting new idea for couples who have experienced the heartbreak of fertility issues. HATW will be there to provide support and services through the entire process. To learn more about this new service visit http://www.nightlight.org/ or call HATW at 734-477-0135.
Look for a link to this newsletter to be posted soon. Did you notice the sentence, "give birth to your own adopted child"? Think about that for a second. Is someone really suggesting that an adopted couple can experience a pregnancy and bring their own adopted child into the world? I began researching this topic when I found out that HATW was going to offer this service as another way to create a forever family. I am still amazed by what I learned. I encourage you to go to the Nightlight website and watch a few of the testimonial videos. I learned about couples who were successful at creating a family through (IVF) and had embryos left over. In the past, their choices were limited to using the embryo's themselves, donating them to medical research or destroying them. I think this list of options really stinks for a couple that has poured their heart and soul into creating a family. Nightlife offers the couple the option of putting their precious embryo's up for adoption and staying in touch with the adoptive family through an open adoption arrangement. The adoptive couple will go through the IVF process using the donated embryo's. If all goes well, the adoptive mother will become pregnant and welcome their child nine months later. Isn't that amazing?
My husband and I experienced secondary infertility when we were trying conceive our fourth child. Doctors had no explanation as to why I could not become pregnant after having three children. We tried some medication and ran some tests but received no answers. It was frustrating and heartbreaking all at the same time. I think this why the idea of embryo adoption has latched onto my brain. I could have done this! Of course I don't regret my choices that have lead me through foster care, adoption and ultimately a career. But I just can't help marveling at this latest option. So many women grieve deeply over the inability to experience pregnancy and sometimes adoption seems like settling for the next best thing. This new idea has the ability to heal the hearts of both families. The donating family experiences the joy of knowing that the life they created has fulfilled someone else's dream of a family. The adoptive family can experience pregnancy and the joy of knowing their child from its first moments of life.
My family picture is a pretty amazing mix of looks. My daughter and I look a lot alike, one of my son's could be a carbon copy of my husband. My third son looks like I had an affair with the mail man (I didn't!) and my adopted son has bright red hair. My other adopted son is blond haired and blue eyed just like the rest of the gang. The cashier at the grocery store cannot figure out how we were blessed with blond, brown and red headed children. I think it is fun to keep her guessing. Now imagine explaining that my child is adopted but I gave birth to him too. It is just amazing.
Pictures of Hands Across the Water's New Office
Hands Across the Water's New Office Location
(This is where I work)
Come and take a tour with me!
If you would like to see more pictures visit www.hatw.org.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Keep Learning
I have a bachelor's degree in Human Services that qualifies me to........Well, I was going to write that I am an educated professional and qualified to teach you something about foster care and child abuse. However, most of my education about children in the system comes from personal experience. When I write or teach about foster care, I do so from my own personal experiences as a foster mom and as a biological mom. Kids are my thing. I have never met a child (teenagers included here) that is well behaved all the time, gets good grades, loves his family, and grows up to become successful and happy. That child does not exist. Every child has their weaknesses and inner turmoil that will shape who they become. I see a child as a life long project who is never quite done growing up. I am 45 years old and still feel like I am growing up on the inside! I love the challenge of trying to see a child from the inside, to get inside their head and truly figure out what is going on in there. Once I can see the cause of the behavior, it becomes much easier to work out a solution.
Jason is my third child and never lets me forget that he is the middle child. He tends to be a pessimist about life and his cup is always half empty. I often respond or react with guilt because a middle child truly does not receive the same level of attention that the first born or the last born does. But this has become a very nasty little habit for the both of us. He is always unhappy with what he does receive and I always feel bad that it is not enough. To some extent, as a mother I feel that I have created and perpetuated this bad attitude within my son. Or, insert a big pause here, he has become quite the little plotter and knows how to push all of my buttons to get exactly what he wants. Which one is the correct answer?
I read an amazing series of books this weekend written by David Pelzer. The first book in the series is called, "A Child Called It." The author writes from his own personal experiences of being severely abused as a child and his journey through foster care. The three books were so riveting to me that I read all three in a weekend. I just could not put them down for several reasons. The first book is an intense and detailed account of the abuse David suffered at the hands of his mother. It was so horrific that it is almost unreadable. I read it as fast as I could because it was just to painful to absorb. I kept going because I wanted to read about his experiences in foster care and I just had to know how he escaped. As I said above, I am fascinated with children and how their minds work. David's case is extreme but often an extreme account can point out things that we normally would not see clearly.
I learned an amazing amount from these books, but they also reminded me of many things that I already knew. For instance, most foster kids have behavior problems that stem from the trauma experienced before they entered foster care. There will be another post about this topic soon. Foster parents can change a child's life significantly just by providing a loving home. Most importantly, I am reminded that no child should be labeled hopeless and given up on. Children are a work in progress. Foster parents need to remember this as one of the most valuable pieces of information they have. When a foster parent can view a foster child from a whole picture perspective, it takes the frustration out of the struggle. We can remember what the child has been through, how far they have come, and hope for where they are going.
Jason is my work in progress. Things do not come easily to Jason. He struggles at school, at church, at home, and with his brother. He has never taken the golden road of achievement. My husband and I have had many, many conversations that end with the sentence, "I am not going to give up on him." Mostly because we do not know what else to say or do. However, I can remember what he has been through and how far he has come. Jason was not abused when he was a child but the lesson's still apply. When I am frustrated and parenting (fostering or any other kind) seems too hard, a book like "A Child Called It" reminds me that every child has potential. Some children can only move forward a tiny fraction at a time, but movement is movement and should be celebrated every painful inch of the way. David Pelzer's books are painful to read, but in the interest of learning about these children that we care for, his experiences are invaluable.
As a parent I think it is our job to continue to learn about our children. Read books and go to training classes. Study your child and compare him or her to others. Find a yard stick to measure your child by and then throw it out. I say throw it out because society's yard stick is not going to work with our special kids. Go through several until you find the one that is a true measurement of your child's progress. Then celebrate small successes and keep moving forward. I do not know where the finish line is on my children's road, but I want to get them as close to it as I can
Jason is my third child and never lets me forget that he is the middle child. He tends to be a pessimist about life and his cup is always half empty. I often respond or react with guilt because a middle child truly does not receive the same level of attention that the first born or the last born does. But this has become a very nasty little habit for the both of us. He is always unhappy with what he does receive and I always feel bad that it is not enough. To some extent, as a mother I feel that I have created and perpetuated this bad attitude within my son. Or, insert a big pause here, he has become quite the little plotter and knows how to push all of my buttons to get exactly what he wants. Which one is the correct answer?
I read an amazing series of books this weekend written by David Pelzer. The first book in the series is called, "A Child Called It." The author writes from his own personal experiences of being severely abused as a child and his journey through foster care. The three books were so riveting to me that I read all three in a weekend. I just could not put them down for several reasons. The first book is an intense and detailed account of the abuse David suffered at the hands of his mother. It was so horrific that it is almost unreadable. I read it as fast as I could because it was just to painful to absorb. I kept going because I wanted to read about his experiences in foster care and I just had to know how he escaped. As I said above, I am fascinated with children and how their minds work. David's case is extreme but often an extreme account can point out things that we normally would not see clearly.
I learned an amazing amount from these books, but they also reminded me of many things that I already knew. For instance, most foster kids have behavior problems that stem from the trauma experienced before they entered foster care. There will be another post about this topic soon. Foster parents can change a child's life significantly just by providing a loving home. Most importantly, I am reminded that no child should be labeled hopeless and given up on. Children are a work in progress. Foster parents need to remember this as one of the most valuable pieces of information they have. When a foster parent can view a foster child from a whole picture perspective, it takes the frustration out of the struggle. We can remember what the child has been through, how far they have come, and hope for where they are going.
Jason is my work in progress. Things do not come easily to Jason. He struggles at school, at church, at home, and with his brother. He has never taken the golden road of achievement. My husband and I have had many, many conversations that end with the sentence, "I am not going to give up on him." Mostly because we do not know what else to say or do. However, I can remember what he has been through and how far he has come. Jason was not abused when he was a child but the lesson's still apply. When I am frustrated and parenting (fostering or any other kind) seems too hard, a book like "A Child Called It" reminds me that every child has potential. Some children can only move forward a tiny fraction at a time, but movement is movement and should be celebrated every painful inch of the way. David Pelzer's books are painful to read, but in the interest of learning about these children that we care for, his experiences are invaluable.
As a parent I think it is our job to continue to learn about our children. Read books and go to training classes. Study your child and compare him or her to others. Find a yard stick to measure your child by and then throw it out. I say throw it out because society's yard stick is not going to work with our special kids. Go through several until you find the one that is a true measurement of your child's progress. Then celebrate small successes and keep moving forward. I do not know where the finish line is on my children's road, but I want to get them as close to it as I can