Fostering Teenagers

Please don't stop reading after the title!!  I know that nobody wants to talk about teenagers.  I am hesitant to write about them because it may cause people to reconsider parenthood entirely (at least my family's stories might!).   Most of us love the happily ever after stories with cute babies and toddlers.  I love those stories too, but today, the topic of teenagers will not leave my head until I write it down.

It is no secret that the largest number of children in foster care are teenagers.  The State of Michigan has worked hard in 2012 to recruit new foster families for all the children in foster care.  The new campaign has been very successful from a numbers perspective but many of these new foster homes are empty and not receiving placements.  Why?  With 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan, I believe that every home should be filled, but that is not the case.  Most people who foster children would like a child in the 0-5 years old age range.  Fostering to adopt is the most common reason that families become foster parents and the reason I began fostering kids too.  It is a wonderful reason to enter the foster care system and help a child.  My husband and I welcomed two babies into our home and eventually adopted them.  When I think back to the circumstances of their birth, I know that we have changed their lives for the better.  Some people foster just to help children and often take in the older kids that have such a hard time finding a home.

When I meet foster parents with older kids, I wonder why they do this.  Are they angels?  Are they crazy?  Everyone knows that teenagers are difficult.  Does anyone actually do this voluntarily?  I did not foster a teen on purpose, it just fell in my lap.  For the record, I think this is a common occurrence.  Many people will take a sibling group that includes a teenager they are not quite prepared for.  Some people take in teenagers because they know them personally or are related to them.  Whatever the circumstances of a teens arrival, it is guaranteed to be an eye opening experience.

My biological children are all in the teenage age range.  I thought I knew what I was signing up for ahead of time and I was still surprised.  Shelly was a fun person to be around.  Unlike a toddler, I could have a meaningful conversation with her.  We talked about her goals in life, her friends, her school work, and just a little bit of everything.  I could feel her learning from me every day.  She enjoyed being a  part of our family because she could see how different our family was from her own.  She didn't need to learn how to walk or talk, she needed to learn how to drive and how to find a job.  She needed guidance and support.  This was so refreshing to me!  Small children can take so much time and energy to parent.  Parenting a teen is a different kind of time and energy.  I took her shopping often because she needed clothes and it was fun to watch her shopping style.  She was a no nonsense kind of shopper.   If she needed pants, we went right to the pants rack.  There was no browsing and dreaming of this or that.  When she needed a formal dress for a school dance, we went shopping and got the job done.  It was so much fun!  The down side to parenting Shelly came out quickly because she was very clingy.  She was always beside me in everything I did.  Sometimes it became too much and I would need to take a break to restock my reserves.  During this time of my life it was easier for me to handle than the behavior problems of smaller children.

My husband had a different experience with Shelly.  She stayed away from him as much as possible in the beginning.  Her father was abusive and this created a natural barrier that she did not want to cross.  However, she did come to appreciate his stability.  He goes to work everyday and provides an income for our family.  She saw this and compared it to her own father who was always between jobs.  The walls finally came tumbling down when the two of them set out to purchase her first car.  It was wonderful to watch her open up to my husband and appreciate what a father can be. I think that it was so satisfying to parent Shelly because she learned so much from our family.  My biological kids rarely appreciate having parents because we have always been there.  They naturally take us for granted.  Shelly never did.  She knew what it was like to have parents who did not take care of her and support her.

I wish more people would give parenting a teen a trial run.  I often leave pamphlets at Senior Centers in different towns hoping that people who have already raised their children would like to give an older child a home.  Their parenting experience would be a precious gift to a teenager looking for guidance.  Actually, anyone can parent an older child.  It is much easier than I thought and I gained much more than I gave in the process.  It is really something to think about!