Professionals spend a lot of time teaching about bonding and attachment. We try very hard to teach a road map of methods for foster parents to use. I have attended many classes on the subject and I feel confident that I know what I am doing. I have practiced what I have learned on my foster, adopted, and even my birth kids. However, nothing has prepared me for that moment when bonding it actually happens.
The bonding trouble in my house is between siblings. Brynna is my biological daughter and has been the only girl in the family for most of her life. Any female foster kids have always been younger than Brynna. She has always enjoyed mothering them with me. This time around, Shelly has come to our family and she and Brynna are the same age (18). This is called "twinning" and can produce some extra problems. The fireworks began immediately. Brynna has never had to share her girly things like her make up, nail polish, and flat iron. Shelly has never had the amount of girls stuff that Brynna has collected. I have been working this problem for the beginning when Shelly arrived in October 2011. Right away I took Shelly shopping to get her the things that she needed. However, girls like to borrow each other's things. Many battles later, we have formed some ground rules that involvee asking before you borrow and return what you use. The ironic part of this crazy battle is that Brynna borrows Shelly's things as often as Shelly wants to use Brynna's things. By Christmas the girls had formed a working relationship that I was not happy with. They openly expressed disliked for each other and avoided each other at all costs. Brynna was jealous of any time I spent with Shelly and accused me of replacing her with another daughter that I liked better. I would grit my teeth and remind Brynna there is room enough in my heart for both daughters. I dragged out every technique I had been taught. I expressed my love for each girl. I spend time separately with each girl. I took them both out together to encourage a relationship. I agonized over this problem, wondering if I had destroyed my biological daughter's emotional well-being for life by taking in a foster child. As summer began, I truly gave up on these two girls forming a sisterly bond. I learned to live with the animosity and just worked on keeping it from breaking out into open warfare.
At this point I only have two choices. I can keep trudging down this road where the entire family is affected by hatred these girls have for each other. Or I can disrupt the placement and remove Shelly from our home. This is a question that foster parents need to face sometimes. There are times when preserving the family becomes more important than helping a foster child. It is an awful decision to have to make. In addition, Shelly has some very specific circumstances that most kids do not have. I could not simply call my social worker and have a new foster family found for her. However, potential foster parents need to know that when there is trouble of this kind, your workers should be kept informed. The agency will work to provided services and support to work through these difficulties. Then if the situation is still impossible, the child can be placed in another foster home.
By the end of June I was still dragging my feet and trying to figure out what to do. Shelly is not a legal foster child, she is just a teenager that I took in from an abusive situation. My options are limited and I frankly don't know what to do. I had planned a trip to Cedar Point as a birthday present for Jason who is turning 16. He also wanted to leave Shelly at home and not include her in a family outing. This is against my parenting rules and not allowed. My solution was to allow each teenager to take a friend. Then using the buddy system, I could turn them loose at Cedar Point. It is a big place and I figured that they couldn't possibly continue the fight at the best amusement park around. Silly me! Jason and his buddy took off for the day and had a great time. Thanks goodness. Brynna and her friend made it until dinner time riding the rides together and seeming to have a good time. After dinner, Brynna's friend took off without a cell phone refusing to hang out with Brynna any longer. Cedar Point is a big place and I was in a panic wondering how I was going to find this girl with no cell phone. Then Shelly's buddy pulled the same stunt. She is gone into the acreage at Cedar Point with no cell phone. Now here is the crazy unbelievable part of this plot. Shelly and Brynna team up, united in their anger at their respective friends. They set out to find them and drag them back to the car by the 10:00pm curfew I had set. Several hours later, the two girls arrive back towing their misplaced friends and acting like the best buddies in the world. Now, several weeks later, the girls go shopping together, share their stuff, and hang out together like they have always been the best of friends. I am left shaking my head in bewilderment?? What happened??
My two daughters are now enjoying being sisters. The hatred is completely gone. I am going to take some credit for this miraculous change just because I persevered and kept trying new things. However, the reality is that the stars just aligned in the proper line and things changed. The best explanation I have is the old wives tales, "nobody can hate my sister except me." Training to be a foster parent is very, very important. You do not know what circumstances are going to unfold with each placement. Learn as much as you can about a variety of subjects. When you land in the middle of chaos, ask questions, ask for help, and do not give up. Let your social worker and the agency help you. Good things often come from chaos. I am hoping that chaos will take a vacation from my home for awhile. I have had more than enough!
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