Birth Kids vs Foster Kids

Fostering children is a common way to build a family.  Many couples have one or two biological children but experience secondary infertility.  That lovely phrase means that for some reason, sometimes unexplainable, a couple is unable to become pregnant even though they have already had a child.  This is what happened to me.  I gave birth to three children and all I wanted was one more, but for whatever reason it never happened.  I did try several fertillity treatments but stopped when it became obvious that this path was going nowhere.  I wanted to foster and I wanted to adopt.  So I did and I am content and happy with my choices and so is my husband.  But are my birth kids as happy as I am?

If a stranger was looking in my front window, he would see siblings playing together, or fighting, or tattling on each other.  He would see normal family interactions and probably would not question what he sees until someone whispers, "the little ones are adopted!"  All of a sudden, there is an elephant in the room.  Do the older children resent the younger adopted kids?  Then the stranger finds out there is a foster child in there too.  Oh my!  Do the older kids hate sharing their house and their parents with a foster child?  It sounds absolutely ridiculous when I describe it that way.  However, I have had people ask me these questions.  Sometimes the questions come from extended family members and sometimes from strangers.  People who are considering fostering often ask these kinds of questions.

For everyone involved (except the nosy stranger) these are important questions to consider.   Bringing a foster child into your home changes your whole family dynamic and if you address these questions ahead of time you will be better prepared for some trouble spots ahead.  The first piece of advice that I share with people is that this is just like having a baby.  The family changes and stretches to accomadate this new small person.  In fostering, the child may be 12 years old but the family still grows and changes to fit the new dynamic.  My oldest son was 4 years old when his brother was born.  Michael thought that this new brother was the best thing in the whole world.  Until I brought him home from the hospital and I was too busy feeding the baby to read him a story.  The excitement was immediately gone and the power struggle began for mom's attention.  That power struggle still pops up once in awhile even though Michael is 20 and Jason is 16!  The story repeats itself when I fostered a four year old boy.  My daughter thought he was fabulous to play with and enjoyed taking care of him until one of his visits with his birth parents happened during one of her softball games.  Dad was able to attend the softball game while I took the little guy to the visit.  But jealousy reared its ugly head and Brynna was pretty mad for awhile.   The moral of the story is that no child really wants to share their parents with a sibling or a foster child.  Kids just aren't built that way.  It is part of life's lessons to learn to share and grow up with a sibling.  It does not matter how the sibling arrives from my point of view.

The new child, of any age, will be loved and will be hated at some point in the journey.  Just as new parents prepare a child for the birth of a sibling, so should they prepare the biological kids for a new placement.  Let the kids participate in the process.  Ask them if they would like a baby or an older child to play with.  Ask them if they are comfortable sharing a room.  Let them have possessions that do not have to be shared to help them maintain their own identity.  You may not be able to meet all of their requests but allowing your child to talk about things they like and things they don't like helps them feel important and part of the process.      If a biological child is having a hard time adjusting to a new placement, spend some alone time with the child and allow them to talk about their frustrations.  Remind them how much you love them and explain that your love will never change.  Many problems can be solved with a simple reminder of love.  Most importantly, keep yourself strong by reminding yourself that you would not send a newborn baby back to the hospital if big brother didn't like him.  


By building my family through foster care, I have chosen a unique path that many people don't understand.  The path I have chosen is different from from giving birth to biological children, but I know many of the potholes are the same.  I also know that my biological children are more compassionate and more loving because of their journey down this path with me.