Connections

During the long licensing process I wondered what kind of connection I would form with my first foster child.  I wondered if I would feel like a glorified babysitter functioning 24 hours a day with no emotional connection.  I wondered if I would form a bond so strong that I would not be able to let go when the time came to return the child to their birth parent.  I wondered if I would like the child and if the child would like me.  The babies I gave birth to, I loved from the first moment I knew of their existence.  Is is only a biological connection?  I wondered if I had the ability to love a stranger's child.  I found the answer to all of my questions at the dentist. 
When Diamond arrived at my house she was eight years old.  For the first month I was a babysitter.  I fed her, clothed her, and sent her to school.  I worked hard to meet all of her needs.  Diamond worked hard to be a good girl.  She didn't get angry or say no to anything.  She seemed like a very happy little girl.  She never asked about her mother or her situation.  She just accepted it and made best of things.  She adjusted to us and we adjusted to her.  I now know that I was experiencing the honeymoon phase of foster parenting.  Everyone behaves themselves and works very hard to keep things normal.  In training, foster parents learn to take the child to the doctor for a physical and to the dentist.  So I did my job and made the appointments.  The dentist appointment came first.
I have taken my own children to the dentist for years and it has always been a fun event.  They get their teeth cleaned and get to spit or use the suction thing.  We usually left with a balloon or a small toy.  For my family, the dentist is no big deal.  For a foster child, the dentist is a scary place.  Looking back now, I am pretty sure that Diamond had never been to the dentist.  I do not remember the exact sequence of events anymore but Diamond had some serious cavities that needed immediate attention.  When I looked in her mouth, the cavity was so large that a small pebble could have fit in there.  It must have been very painful for her but she never said a word.  She told me that she learned to chew on the other side of her mouth just like her mother did. 
As the dentist gave her the first shot for numbing up her mouth, silent tears rolled down her cheeks.  She held very still and never made a sound but I couldn't stand it.  I was up and holding her hand before I gave it a second thought.  I spoke quietly to her and stroked her hand.  We made it through together and when we came out of that office there was a new bond between us.  Our world's had shifted to include each other.  I became her mother in that office and she developed a bond of trust for me that lasted through out her placement. 
I had not thought of that memory in a very long time until it was repeated this week with Shelly.  Shelly had broken a tooth and needed a trip to the dentist.  She showed no fear until she sat in that chair.  All the doctor intended to do was look in her mouth but that was enough to start the tears.  Again I was up and holding the hand of a child that I had not given birth to.  Comforting and blinking my own tears away quickly so that no one would see.  Again the bond of love and trust was formed in this strange place. 
I know now that love is not just a function of biology.  It just happens.  I still love Diamond even though it has been eight years since we have seen each other.  I hope that I get to see her again some day and give her another hug.  I know that I will always love Shelly no matter where our paths may lead.  I do not regret the bond that has formed even though I know it will make letting go a little harder.  I know that this bond between us makes the time that I have with my foster kids a special gift.  Please do not let the fear of loving and letting a child go hold you back from becoming a foster parent.   Love makes me a better parent.  When I let a child go, I am comforted by the idea that I have made a difference in a child's life.  That child knows that I have loved them and that is a gift for both of us. 

Calling of the Heart

My job as a recruitment specialist often takes me to conferences where I set up a table with Hands Across the Water's information on foster care and adoption.  My goal is to share information with people who may be considering becoming a foster parent.  The latest conference I attended was a teacher training conference.  I was unsure if there would be any interest from this group because teacher's deal with children all day long.  Would they have any interest in fostering?  I was surprised by the level of interest.  Potential foster parents can be found anywhere or be anyone.  As someone who is a professional in the foster care world, I cannot predict who may have already been touched by some aspect of foster care.  Some visitors to my table have been foster parents in the past.  Some are grandparents with the possibility of kinship care in their future.  The most common type of people who visit me are people who have thought about fostering for a long time and have not done anything about it.  Recruiting foster parents is not like convincing a potential buyer to buy a product.  Foster parenting seems to be a calling of the heart.  People have been touched by the thought of fostering long before I come along with my information table.  Essentially, my job is to talk and share information.  Ironically, I was very resistant to becoming a foster parent myself!  I was more interested in adoption in the beginning than actually helping a child in need.  I have always wanted a large family, but after the birth of my third child I experienced some really frustrating fertility issues.  It wasn't long before I started researching adoption.  I started my search for an older child in the United States in the age range of 5 to 8 years old.  I thought this would be a piece of cake.  The news is always talking about older children who need homes.  However, this route proved unsuccessful for us.  A helpful social worker gently suggested foster care.  I was nervous about this option but open to exploring it.  My husband was not interested in foster care at all.  I have to confess that I tend to focus on beautiful children to the exclusion of reality.  My husband is much more practical and thinks about financial issues and space issues.  As I researched foster care, I realized that this was the path we had been searching for without realizing it and I quickly brought my husband over to my way of thinking.  Here are my top two reasons for choosing foster care (forgive me if they are a little selfish).  First, there are young children entering foster care all the time.  As a foster parent I would be the first in line to receive this child.  Adopting domestically meant that I would be adopting a child from a foster home.  Therefore, my house would be the third place the child would land, if not more.  Second, the child would be younger if I was the first in line.  These reason's are still true.  There are many, many teenagers in foster care who need homes but there are also children of all ages.  My story had a happy ending with my two little boys who we have now adopted.  I have also learned of the amazing benefits to fostering a teenager (but that topic is for another post).  As a recruitment specialist, I have found the perfect job for me because I love to talk about children and foster care.  Foster parenting is not a job, it is labor of love.  It is no wonder that the idea to foster a stranger's child begins in the heart.  If you have an interest in finding out more information about fostering a child, visit http://www.hatw.org/

Resentment, Frustration and all the Rest of those Negative Feelings

Lately, I have been feeling nothing but frustration with things happening in my house.  Things are in a rut and not moving forward.  One child is having trouble at school, another has dating troubles and if I have to call the social security office one more time this week I am going to scream.  This would be the short list of my frustrations occurring right now in my house.  Sometimes, despite training and experience in parenting, I just don't seem to make in any progress with the kids.  All parents experience frustration and feel like giving up.  Is it any different for a foster parent?  The answer is no, of course not.  However, foster parents are under scrutiny at all times and perception matters.  People tend to see foster parents as angels or devils.  In the media, we are portrayed as child abusers or money grubbers.  People in my community often say, "Oh I could never do that!"  As if I am doing something that is either insane or angelic.  Actually, I don't feel like I fit in either category.  I love my kids.  I celebrate their successes and agonize over their troubles.  I also experience feelings of frustration, anger and resentment.  I get tired of giving.  There are times when I really need a break from the chaos that is in my home.  With six children, I do not have free time.  Rarely is the family television available for something that I might want to watch.  I count free time as time in the car traveling or waiting to pick up a child from an event.  I keep magazines in my care just hoping for a quiet moment of reading.  So, yes, there are times when I have had enough.  Times when I resent all the people around me (even my husband).  I think it is safe to say that I am only human.  However, as a foster parent, others are quick to judge.  My actions are under suspicion at all times as the system needs to watch carefully for signs of abuse.  I understand it, but I don't like it.  I even hesitated to write about the subject but I have always been a person who would rather discuss things rather than sweep them under the rug.  I have days where I love my children beyond description and days where I hate my children beyond description.  Having frustrating days is part of the job description and does not make me a lousy or abusive parent.  If anything, negative feelings make me a better parent in the long run.  They help me recognize problem areas and learn about myself as a person.  So let's look at my frustration list again.  I have now moved the problem student to a new school where his needs can be identified and addressed.    I had a long talk with my daughter dating someone she likes to be with instead of needy boys.  Last of all, I hired a lawyer to deal with social security.  I am going to let someone else deal with that pile of frustration.  I also believe very strongly in attending foster parent support groups.  These are people who are carrying the same bucket of frustration as you are and they can help.  This group is a place where I can talk safely and air my frustrations.  It is a great place for sharing ideas and just talking it out.  Even just sitting and listening in a foster parent support group helps me feel like I am not alone and I can tackle my list of frustrations again.  Then, the next time someone in my house leaves their dirty dishes where they shouldn't, I can just smile and let it go.  Or maybe not!!!!