Connections

During the long licensing process I wondered what kind of connection I would form with my first foster child.  I wondered if I would feel like a glorified babysitter functioning 24 hours a day with no emotional connection.  I wondered if I would form a bond so strong that I would not be able to let go when the time came to return the child to their birth parent.  I wondered if I would like the child and if the child would like me.  The babies I gave birth to, I loved from the first moment I knew of their existence.  Is is only a biological connection?  I wondered if I had the ability to love a stranger's child.  I found the answer to all of my questions at the dentist. 
When Diamond arrived at my house she was eight years old.  For the first month I was a babysitter.  I fed her, clothed her, and sent her to school.  I worked hard to meet all of her needs.  Diamond worked hard to be a good girl.  She didn't get angry or say no to anything.  She seemed like a very happy little girl.  She never asked about her mother or her situation.  She just accepted it and made best of things.  She adjusted to us and we adjusted to her.  I now know that I was experiencing the honeymoon phase of foster parenting.  Everyone behaves themselves and works very hard to keep things normal.  In training, foster parents learn to take the child to the doctor for a physical and to the dentist.  So I did my job and made the appointments.  The dentist appointment came first.
I have taken my own children to the dentist for years and it has always been a fun event.  They get their teeth cleaned and get to spit or use the suction thing.  We usually left with a balloon or a small toy.  For my family, the dentist is no big deal.  For a foster child, the dentist is a scary place.  Looking back now, I am pretty sure that Diamond had never been to the dentist.  I do not remember the exact sequence of events anymore but Diamond had some serious cavities that needed immediate attention.  When I looked in her mouth, the cavity was so large that a small pebble could have fit in there.  It must have been very painful for her but she never said a word.  She told me that she learned to chew on the other side of her mouth just like her mother did. 
As the dentist gave her the first shot for numbing up her mouth, silent tears rolled down her cheeks.  She held very still and never made a sound but I couldn't stand it.  I was up and holding her hand before I gave it a second thought.  I spoke quietly to her and stroked her hand.  We made it through together and when we came out of that office there was a new bond between us.  Our world's had shifted to include each other.  I became her mother in that office and she developed a bond of trust for me that lasted through out her placement. 
I had not thought of that memory in a very long time until it was repeated this week with Shelly.  Shelly had broken a tooth and needed a trip to the dentist.  She showed no fear until she sat in that chair.  All the doctor intended to do was look in her mouth but that was enough to start the tears.  Again I was up and holding the hand of a child that I had not given birth to.  Comforting and blinking my own tears away quickly so that no one would see.  Again the bond of love and trust was formed in this strange place. 
I know now that love is not just a function of biology.  It just happens.  I still love Diamond even though it has been eight years since we have seen each other.  I hope that I get to see her again some day and give her another hug.  I know that I will always love Shelly no matter where our paths may lead.  I do not regret the bond that has formed even though I know it will make letting go a little harder.  I know that this bond between us makes the time that I have with my foster kids a special gift.  Please do not let the fear of loving and letting a child go hold you back from becoming a foster parent.   Love makes me a better parent.  When I let a child go, I am comforted by the idea that I have made a difference in a child's life.  That child knows that I have loved them and that is a gift for both of us.