Visitation part II

I hope that I don't sound too negative about visitation with birth parents.  The foster parent plays a very important role in the reunification process when it comes to visitation.  However, it is a stressful situation for all people involved.  I believe it is important for foster parents to remember that birth parents love their children regardless of the abuse or neglect they may have inflicted upon the child.  This was a very difficult concept for me to understand until I actually witnessed this love.  Previously, I have discussed how Dylan came into my care and some of the neglect he suffered.  However, there is more to the story.  Dylan had a twin sister.  Both babies struggled as newborns to gain weight so the pediatrician recommended that a home nurse visit regularly to monitor their condition.  The home nurse is the person who witnessed enough neglect to inform social services that there was a problem. During the investigation process, Dylan's sister passed away.  On the day of her burial, Dylan was removed from the home at  three months old and brought to me.  I learned his story from the nurse who continued her visits in my home instead.  Sometimes a foster parent learns bits of information from different sources and it is very hard to remain objective and nonjudgmental.  This was the case for me when I had to bring Dylan for his visit.  These visits happened once a week and after two or three times I had gotten more comfortable with the routine.  Just when I was getting comfortable another bomb dropped.  The social worker wanted to include me in the visit to provide support and encouragement.  Uhggg!  Support and encouragement to people I believed harmed their children.  Impossible!  However, this is not an unusual request in the world of foster parenting.  If things are done correctly, a foster parent can act as a mentor and provided support to the birth parent.  The statistics have proven that working together for the child is highly effective.  However, the statistics say nothing about how emotionally difficult this is for both sides to accomplish.  It is normal for a foster parent to feel protective of the child and to form their own opinions about what happened.  After all, it is foster mom and dad who is dealing with the aftermath of the situation in the everyday life of the child.  I have also found that the birth parents have feelings of their own that surprised me.  Dylan's birth mother thought I wanted to take him away from her.  She also felt that I would judge her skills as a mother.  As a foster parent, neither of these ideas is in my job description.  It is the social worker's job to judge the birth parents for parental fitness.  I did not enter foster care to take a child from someone else.  I wanted to help a child in need and provide a family for a child who no longer had one.  Face to face meetings between foster parents and birth parents can alleviate preconceived ideas on both sides and that is the strength behind this idea that seems insane on paper.  Dylan's mother and I never had any heart to heart conversations that cleared the air, but I could see the love she had for him and the pain she felt at not being with him.  Dylan's birth father always held him very gently and quietly absorbed the wonderful feelings experienced by just being with him.  I served my function by telling them about his achievements and appetite during the week.  Despite the love they had for Dylan, neither parent was able to overcome their addictions and follow the plan set forth by a judge to get him back.  After a year, they stopped showing up at visits and their rights were terminated.  Yes, I was relieved because it was always stressful (I am only human).  Dylan become our fifth child another year after that.  I am grateful that I was able to spend some time with his birth parents now because when he gets older I can tell him what they looked like and how much they loved him.  Every year on his birthday we place a candle on the cake for his sister, Jessica, so that he can remember her too.  I share Dylan's story with you because foster parenting is emotional work and I want to help others be the best foster parents they can be.  I believe that we should always remember that a child's life is a stake in the work of fostering.  The success of a foster parent can be measured in a healthy and happy child as I can clearly see each day in Dylan.