Bits of Thoughts from a Large Family

I have a lot of little bits of thoughts floating around me head that just haven't fit in anywhere into my blog recently.  So this is a post full of little bits.

I think siblings are necessary in a family.  I cannot imagine being an only child or being a parent of an only child.  I was teaching a class of 7 year olds this week and we started our class time by drawing our family on a large piece of paper.  I did mine just to have something to do while the kids were working.  They noticed what I was up to and started asking questions.  Why is your paper full of people?  How come there is only two girls in the picture.  Why do you have three dogs?  I have no idea why I have three dogs. The strays just kind of landed in my home.  My paper is full because I have five children plus an extra living in my house.  There are only two girls in my family because one is me and the other is my favorite daughter (my only daughter).   All of the children in my class have been adopted internationally and are only children.  They marveled at the size of my family for a good five minutes.  It made me laugh.  I know my family can be a little shocking sometimes.  I believe that everyone should have a sibling to play with, to fight with, to love and to hate.  I have one sister and we hated each other passionately for 30 years.  Now we are good friends and I wouldn't trade her for anything.  If someone asks me if they should adopt or foster another child, my answer is always yes!


Child abuse is always on my mind because of my job.  Abusing a child causes a domino effect down through generations and fans out to extended family.  The immediate damage to the child is obvious, but I am talking about looking into the future.  The most obvious scenario here is pretty common.  Children who are abused grow up and abuse their children and the cycle continues until someone become a cycle breaker.  My father was a cycle breaker and I am so impressed and proud of him for that.  He does not discuss what happened to him as a child as a result of living with an alcoholic father and I don't think I could bear the details.  Cycle breakers are amazing people.  The latest scenario that I have encountered is grandparents raising their grandchildren because their own child is more focused on substance abuse than caring for the children.  The extended family often takes on the emotional and financial challenges of raising a family member's children.  Substance abuse can also be passed down to children as a grown child becomes addicted to the same drugs that caused the trouble in the first place.  One of my son's was born addicted to crack at birth.  I am very worried that if he experiments with drugs, as many teenagers do, that his body will recognize it immediately.  Can my son break the cycle and stay away from drugs?  He is eight years old now and I am able to push those thoughts to the back of my brain for another day.  Thank goodness!

I have completed a remodel of my home office and I am so happy to have my own space to work in!!!  Remodel is actually a much fancier word for what really happened to the original office space in my house.  When we first moved in, the office was just a place to put odds and ends that we could not find a space for in the rest of the house.  Eventually, I found a hand me down desk and added a file cabinet and a chair.  We put the computer in there and called it an office.  Unfortunately, this space was never really owned by anyone in the family until we had a stray child come to stay with us for a year.  Shelly was too old to be called a foster child and just sort of ended up in our home by accident (that is kind of theme for my family).  Anyway, she needed a room.  So I had this bright idea to paint the room a color of her choice and put a bed in there.  Of course, she chose bright pink and immediately spread her clothes all over.  My office was long gone within a week.  Shelly eventually moved out and I got fed up with trying to work at home in the middle of the family room.  So began the remodel.   I still have the hand me down desk and I added a new printer and a small, brand new file cabinet that doesn't look like a file cabinet at all!  The pink was painted over and I managed some new carpeting too.  I had no idea that having my own space could be such an amazing feeling.  I close the doors and nobody bothers me.  They can't tell if I am working or playing cards on the computer just for fun.  I have found my own personal place to escape the chaos of my home and it is amazing.  If you don't have your own space, I highly recommend it!

Three of my children will be getting out of school for the summer next week and I can't decided if I am really happy about it or dreading it.  That may sound crazy but summer is such a relaxing time for my family.  We don't have a regular schedule and we get out of bed when we want to.  That is one of the amazing joys of being a stay at home mom.  However, this stay at home mom is also a working mom.  I work from home (in my glorious new office!) and pretend that I work part time.  The reality is that during the school year, I have enjoyed working most of the school day away and that adds up to much more than part time.  I am really worried about how I am going to juggle having my three wonderful children under my feet all summer long.  That is the part I am dreading.  I have set up a babysitter to come to my house two days a week.  I have also been prepping my husband to take over when he come home from work so that I can retreat to my office.   I think it is going to work, but I am not quite sure yet. I may be a crazed lunatic by the end of the summer.  Who knows??  I will keep you posted.

If you can't tell by reading my blog, I love my large family.  I love having kids in my house all the time. I love the chaos they bring with them.  I love having pets to keep everyone busy.  I love sitting at soccer practice in my car reading People magazines.  I love that my job often mimics the craziness of my family.  I work at home, and at the office, and at events.  I am always moving towards the next event on my calendar.  I juggle teaching classes with taking my kids to practice.  I juggle appointments with clients around school picnics.  Does anyone else live this kind of life?  I hope so because it is an amazing ride!

  

I am a Reality Junkie

I think that blogger's and blog readers are reality junkies.  I am not the kind of person that enjoys watching reality television.  I have seen Honey Boo Boo and it made me laugh but I think that I have enough reality in my own life where I do not need to watch another person's trauma and drama.  However, I do love to read blogs and it occurred to me that maybe I am being a little snobbish about reality television as blogging seems to be the same idea, just in written form. 

My job at Hands Across the Water seems to have an element of reality television in it.  As a licensing worker, I spend a lot of time with people who want to become foster parents.  They share their life story with me, then they right it down in reams of documentation and then I rewrite it into a home study document.  The process usually takes three to four months.  I think it is safe to say that I get to know my families really, really well.  Yesterday, I spent four hours with a family assisting them with their autobiography.   When I left the home, I was so mentally exhausted that had a hard time focusing on my own family.  I found myself snapping at my children and snarling at my husband over some really stupid stuff.  My husband is a smart guy.  When he comes home from work and finds me in this kind of mood, he works hard to stay out of my way.  I think he told the kids to stay away from mom for a little while too.  So I was left with no one to take my anger out on except myself and resorted to pounding the keys of my computer as I tried to get a little work done.  

I soon realized that trying to work was pointless too.  What was wrong with me!?  It finally came to me that I had internalized the life story from the family I was working with and it was really upsetting me.  My mind keeps jumping back to different details and experiencing it again.  I have heard all kinds of life stories in the world of foster care and adoption, so this kind of thing isn't new to me.  What is new to me is not having a place to talk about the things I heard.  Due to confidentiality issues, I can't share any details here to get it off my chest.  That makes it even more frustrating.  Writing is a wonderful emotional outlet for me and I can't use it in this case.  Not everyone can handle the kinds of stories that come from working in the foster care system.  The children often come into care with horrific stories of abuse or neglect.  Families talk of losing a loved one to substance abuse or the loss of a child.  People who adopt internationally are changed by viewing the orphanages where there child first lived.  My husband is a good listener but he has his limits.  

If you have ever been to a class I have taught, you will know that I hate the concept of confidentiality.  I am a talker and a writer.  I love to share.  I want people to know that foster parents can change lives.  I understand the necessity for abiding by confidentiality laws and I am capable of doing so, but I do not like it.  One of the places where some details can be shared openly is a support group.  I love support groups.  People come and share their stories and learn from each other.  I am a facilitator for a support group at Hands Across the Water but I have to be honest and say that I get as much out of the group as my attendees.  After all, I am an adoptive/foster parent too and I am always interested in new ideas.  One parent shared that her family has decided not to share their adopted children's stories with extended family.  She wants the family to accept the child as is, with no additional baggage to cloud judgement.   I am fascinated with this idea because I have experienced judgmental behavior from extended family too.  I also admire this family for being able to keep these matters private.  I am pretty sure that would feel like an over filled balloon waiting to pop if I could not talk about my issues.  

I am a big fan of sharing experiences.  In support group, people learn that what they are going through has happened to others.  There is a way out and established methods that can help in difficult situations.  I am not sure what we can learn from Honey Boo Boo but I know that we can learn a great deal from each other when we share our stories.  For good or for bad, many people know the my children's stories because of the nature of my job.  My kids are growing up and they are starting to realize that they have a story to share.  I asked my eight year old if anyone at school ever asked him about being adopted.  He didn't even pause his Xbox game to answer, "No and if they do, I would tell them to go away!"  Obviously he does not feel the need to share the way that I do.  It is clear that I should work on helping him learn some constructive ways to answer people who ask too many questions.    

I very much enjoy the talking aspect of my job.  I know that my experiences in foster care can help others who are brave enough to walk this path.  I am glad that I can answer questions for people.  I am sure that I will continue to write my blog and share just a few too many details sometimes.  That just seems to be who I am.  In the mean time, I may just have to try out writing in a private journal to let off some steam.  

These are my people!

I love the song by Rodney Atkins called, "These are my people".  It goes like this:

These are my people
This is where I come from
We're givin' this life everything we've got and then some
It ain't always pretty
But it's real
That's the way we were made
Wouldn't have it any other way
These are my people

I found my people last week in Lansing at the Michigan Association of Foster, Adoptive and Kinship Parents (MAFAK) conference.  This conference is a big training event that is held each year that invites people from all over Michigan to attend training classes.  It is a three day event and  I  met people from all over the state.  I was hosting my usual information table in the vendor area in hopes of recruiting some new people to become foster parents.  I quickly figured out that everyone in attendance was already licensed and knew all about foster care and adoption.  I quickly adjusted my salesman pitch and just started talking to people and asking questions.

There seemed to be about 300-400 people that just came and went from the vendor area all day long, browsing the booths and looking at the silent auction items.  When I am sitting a my table, I have a lot of time to people watch and I was amazed by the diversity of the event.  By diversity, I don't just mean race.  There were people of all ages ranging from young couples fostering kids to grandparents who are parenting their grandchildren.  I saw an Amish couple, a large African American family, some little people (I hope that is the correct term!), and more that I can't begin to describe.  I was very touched by a white haired gentleman who easily looked around 70 years old cradling a newborn child of a different race.  If you were someone just peeking in the door of this conference, you would see what foster parents like as a group.  Obviously, there are no boundaries or definition that can fully describe this group.

I think I was personally amazed by this group because I have always felt different within my community and even within my own extended family for the work that I do with children.  I tend to use humor and laugh my uniqueness away but it is difficult to be different all the time.  I have written before about how my house stands out in the neighborhood. Holiday's and events with my extended family always require an explanation about who is currently living in my household.  Even my own mother doesn't quite understand why my household is always filled with children and why I would want all of this chaos around me.  All of this doesn't offend me but I do get tired of explaining all time.

As people stopped at my table, I started asking questions.  Are you a foster parent?  How many children do you have right now?  I received some amazing answers!   Some people would give me a number and move on, but most stopped and shared some of their personal stories.  One mother said that she is fostering one child, in the middle of the adoption process with another, and taking care of her sister's child too.  A middle aged mom shared that yesterday she only had three children in the home but she is expecting another tomorrow (and she wasn't pregnant).  My favorite narrative came from the mother that had two children next to her and described a past foster daughter who had aged out of the system but had no where to go.  This grown child was moving back in and bringing her infant child with her.

These are my people!  This is exactly what happens in my household.  Children young and grown keep moving in and moving out.  They each have a story and need a helping hand.  It felt so good to be around people who have similar stories and a similar desire to help a child, regardless of the circumstances.  I did not realize that I had mental walls of protection erected around my brain until they came down with each story that I heard.  I have a smile on my face right now as I write about it.  It was a great feeling to connect with these families and see so many who are willing to sacrifice so much to help a child in need.

Remember that foster parents are the healers behind some of the most horrific stories that are in the news today.  Did you see the headline today (4/30/13) about the newborn baby left on a beach in Hawaii?  By this afternoon a foster family will be showering love upon that abandoned child, but you won't see that headline in the news this afternoon.  However, I am proud to print it here.  Foster parents are the people who open their homes and their hearts to make another person's life better.  I feel so lucky that I was able to see this amazing group in one place and so happy to remember that I am a part of this group too.  Go Foster Parents!

If you would like more information about MAFAK, visit the website at http://www.mafak.co/.

Thoughts about Runaways

It has now become clear that the extra child living in my home is technically called a runaway.  Yes, she is still here.  My father arrived on Easter Sunday for dinner and a family visit and noticed our extra right away.  Dad is a pretty out going guy and very used to extra children in my house.  He said, "Who are you?"  She told her her name and he says, "Do you live here?"  She responds, "Yes, I think so."  I feel a little bad that I did not warn Dad ahead of time but I am grateful that he jumped in and included her in the family conversation of the day.  I became aware of her runaway status when her mother told me during one of our phone calls.  It seems this young lady has runaway from her family five times since Christmas of 2012.   That is a lot of running in a very short time.  The stories that I am going to share with you are not about foster children, but foster children can and do runaway from the homes they have been placed in.  I hope you will find some useful information from my experiences that can be applied to youth in foster care. 

When I think of the term "runaway," I can see images from the television of parents posting missing posters and homeless children wandering the streets using drugs.  This girl is not that kind of runaway, nor have I ever met that kind of runaway.  However, runaway teens seem to find my home on a regular basis.  My current fugitive is the fifth young person to land at my house for more than a week because of family issues.  In addition, two of my biological kids have claimed to runaway on more than one occasion.  I think it is safe to say that I have a little experience with this type of behavior.  

I have noticed some common themes among these kids that include, my parents are crazy, my parents don't care about me, or my favorite, I have no where else to go.  The kids that land in my home are usually friends of my own children from our surrounding community.  I have had this happen so often that I have begun to wonder if all the parents in my community are bad parents!  Maybe I am the bad parent for harboring their runaway child!  There are no easy answers in this situation.  My own children have used running away as a form of control or as part of a power struggle.  For example, "If you make me go to school, I will run away."  My answer to this is usually, "school is required in this household, you are free to leave if you cannot abide by the rules of this home."  This works well when calling a bluff and often takes the air right out of the angry teenager's sails.  One of my sons did stomp out of the house and did not return for three days.  I was scared to death!  This is when I learned that the parents in my community are some of my best friends.  My son had run to a friend's house and the mother sent me a short text to let me know that he was there and was safe.  Kids often run to safe territory.  The girl in my home now has  known my family from years of attending the same church.  Our home is a safe place from which to argue with her parents.  I am sure that she chose us on purpose.  Runaways often do not plan their escape (some do, but not generally).  It is often done in the heat of anger or within a set of favorable circumstances.  

When a child runs away, the parent is left with a big pot of emotion.  I felt like a failure.  I could not control my child.  I felt rejected as a human being.  I love my children with my entire soul, and by running away, my child has announced to the world that he does not love me.  It is a horrible emotional place to be as a parent.  Foster parents have similar thoughts because they have opened their home and hearts to a stranger's child.  That gift has been rejected.  What do I do?  My advice is to take care of practical matters first, which means locating the child.  In my case, I called friends, grandparents and even a teacher.  Foster parents should alert the case worker and possibly the authorities of necessary, but also check birth parents, friends, and the school.  Once the child is located, change can begin.

In my son's case, I had to learn to compromise.  I was not going to allow him to drop out of high school but I was open to the idea of changing schools.  He visited several with me and chose an alternative high school in a town close by.  He is doing very well there and no longer has an absentee problem.  I cannot stress enough the importance of compromise and listening when it comes to difficult teenagers.  I learned this the hard way when my mother tossed me out of the house when I was 16 years old.  We did  not speak again for two years.  I knew that I did not want to travel this same road with my own children so I learned to listen and compromise.  If I child feels that parents are listening then they feel  they have a voice in their own lives.  Then they may not feel the need to runaway.  Prevention is a parent's best defense against the runaway.  Listen to the child and ask lots of questions.  I recommend repeating back some statements to the child during the conversation.  This helps you understand what is being said and also lets the child know that you are trying to listen.  Then take time to think about what is being said.  My favorite phrase is, "I heard what you said and now I need some time to think about it."  If a child feels a parent is truly listening, then they will wait for the outcome.  There are some rules that should never be compromised on.  Drug use falls into this category in my household.  If I see evidence of it, I will morph into an erupting volcano and lose all ability to listen and compromise.  However, once I calm down, the solution to the drug use can be negotiated.  Therapy and drug treatment programs can work miracles if your child is facing this situation.  

I have told the parents of the girl in my house I am willing to provide a safe place for her to live right now until they are able to work things out.  The alternative for her is house hopping between the homes of friends and then the streets.  Those options are intolerable to me and her parents, so this arrangement is working for now.  I hope the parents figure out how to compromise soon!  

There is an Intruder at my House

There is someone extra living at my house.  I am embarrassed to say that I did not notice this fact until several days after she moved in.  When she arrived, she was hidden among a group of four other teenagers.  Some of those left and she spent the night here.  At my house, teenagers tend to come and go often.  Most of them know that they are welcome to grab a bite to eat and hang out for awhile.  As a result, I am never quite sure who is staying and who is just visiting.  When this young lady showed up in my kitchen on Tuesday morning when no one else was home, I started asking questions.  By this time, I was pretty sure that she had spent the night on Sunday and Monday.

It is now Friday (and she is still here) and I have gotten the full story.  According to her, she is taking a break from her family.  According to her mother, she has run away from home.  According to the parents at the bus stop this morning, I should stop feeding teenagers and they may stop hanging out!  So here I am wondering how I got dragged into this situation that I do not really want to be in.  I have known this girl's family for many years and I count them as good friends.  This puts me in a very sticky situation.  I do not want to interfere with or judge my friend's parenting style.  I do not want to enable this girl to hide from her issues.  I absolutely to do not want another child to support and take care of.  The five children of my own keep me busy enough.

I asked the parents at the bus stop this morning why teenagers in trouble always land at my house.  One Mom pointed out that my own teenagers are the ones bringing them home.  I thought that was very interesting and also true.  My kids do this a lot.  It is not unusual for one of them to ask if someone can spend the night or join us for dinner for concerning reasons.  I am always surprised that my children are compassionate people.  As I look back, I believe it is because they have learned so much from having foster children in our home.  Foster children come with horrific stories from their pasts and I guess my children were listening and learning.  I did not go into foster care planning on turning my biological kids into better people but it is a very nice side effect.

The other reason teenagers end up at my house is because of the food.  I will sheepishly admit that I an extreme couponer and have been for years.  As a result, my cupboards are very will stocked with teenager food.  The only requirement I ask of someone sampling my stockpile is a guess on how much I paid for a particular item.  I live for the moment that I can say, "it was free!!!!"  The kids love this and it often turns into a mini episode of the Price is Right.  Again I have experienced an unexpected side effect to my coupon habit.  My children's friends like to be at my home because of the food.  This allows me to get to know them and understand who my children choose as friends.  As most parents will tell you, I would rather have my kids and their friends at my house than somewhere where I have to worry about them.

I am not sure what I am going to do about the fugitive living in my house yet beyond encouraging this young lady to talk about her situation.  Sometimes a friend can offer advice that a child will listen to when they won't listen to a parent.  That is all I have at the moment.  In the meantime, she is doing a little housework and some laundry to earn her keep.  I will keep you posted.

Embryo Adoption

I get to do some really amazing things in my job.  I love working directly with foster kids and their foster families.  I attend special events and host an information table about foster care.  These things may look like work to you, but not to me.  I get to play with kids and I get to eat elephant ears while chatting with people about my favorite subject, foster care!  I am always learning new things about the foster care/adoption world.  The latest bit of information to cross my path is embryo adoption.  Here is a small article that I wrote for the Hands Across the Water (HATW) newsletter to give you an idea of what an embryo adoption is all about:

HATW has become a partner agency with Nightlight Christen Adoptions to provide a new service called Snowflakes Embryo Adoption for our families .  According to the Nightlight website, “ The Snowflakes Program makes it possible to adopt embryos from couples who have completed In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and have remaining embryos.”  These remaining embryos can be donated to the  Snowflakes program where another couple can adopt the embryo, and give birth to their own adopted child.  This is an exciting new idea for couples who have experienced the heartbreak of fertility issues.  HATW will be there to provide support and services through the entire process.  To learn more about this new service visit http://www.nightlight.org/ or call HATW at 734-477-0135. 

Look for a link to this newsletter to be posted soon.  Did you notice the sentence, "give birth to your own adopted child"?  Think about that for a second.  Is someone really suggesting that an adopted couple can experience a pregnancy and bring their own adopted child into the world?  I began researching this topic when I found out that HATW was going to offer this service as another way to create a forever family.  I am still amazed by what I learned.  I encourage you to go to the Nightlight website and watch a few of the testimonial videos.  I learned about couples who were successful at creating a family through (IVF) and had embryos left over.  In the past, their choices were limited to using the embryo's themselves, donating them to medical research or destroying them.  I think this list of options really stinks for a couple that has poured their heart and soul into creating a family.  Nightlife offers the couple the option of putting their precious embryo's up for adoption and staying in touch with the adoptive family through an open adoption arrangement.  The adoptive couple will go through the IVF process using the donated embryo's.  If all goes well, the adoptive mother will become pregnant and welcome their child nine months later.  Isn't that amazing?

My husband and I experienced secondary infertility when we were trying conceive our fourth child.  Doctors had no explanation as to why I could not become pregnant after having three children.  We tried some medication and ran some tests but received no answers.  It was frustrating and heartbreaking all at the same time.  I think this why the idea of embryo adoption has latched onto my brain.  I could have done this!  Of course I don't regret my choices that have lead me through foster care, adoption and ultimately a career.  But I just can't help marveling at this latest option.  So many women grieve deeply over the inability to experience pregnancy and sometimes adoption seems like settling for the next best thing.  This new idea has the ability to heal the hearts of both families.  The donating family experiences the joy of knowing that the life they created has fulfilled someone else's dream of a family.  The adoptive family can experience pregnancy and the joy of knowing their child from its first moments of life.   

My family picture is a pretty amazing mix of looks.  My daughter and I look a lot alike, one of my son's could be a carbon copy of my husband.  My third son looks like I had an affair with the mail man (I didn't!) and my adopted son has bright red hair.  My other adopted son is blond haired and blue eyed just like the rest of the gang.  The cashier at the grocery store cannot figure out how we were blessed with blond, brown and red headed children.  I think it is fun to keep her guessing.  Now imagine explaining that my child is adopted but I gave birth to him too.  It is just amazing.

Pictures of Hands Across the Water's New Office

Hands Across the Water's New Office Location

(This is where I work)

Come and take a tour with me!

 This is the room where classes are taught and meetings are held.  If you have visited HATW in the past, you can remember our last conference room.  It was usually filled with items collected as donations for our foster kids.  We just held our class around the stuff!

This is one of several play rooms for children who are visiting with their birth parents or hanging out during support groups.  These rooms can also be used during therapy.

This is our reception area.  Check out the lending library on the right.


If you would like to see more pictures visit www.hatw.org.