Talking to Young Children About Adoption

Even though I work in the field of adoption and foster care I still find it challenging to talk to my adopted children about adoption.  It seems to be a natural instinct for me to want to avoid the topic as an adoptive mother.  It may be as simple as just not wanting to stir a pot that isn't boiling over (yet) or maybe I just don't want to talk about the hard stuff.  Luckily, my job reminds me often how important it is for my sons to know and understand their story.  

My boys are 8 and 9 year old.  They each came to my family as foster care placements at the age of 3 months old (one year apart).  Both were considered special needs at the time.   It took about two years to reach adoption day for each of them. For one of my boys, there was extended visitation and a plan to reunite the family for almost 18 months.  My other son did not have a single visit and his parents voluntarily relinquished him.  One son was born addicted to crack and the other was a possible fetal alcohol syndrome baby.  I wish there was a perfect story of a loving birth mom who wanted better for her son to share with my boys.  Unfortunately, the real story involves robbery, drugs, alcohol, jail and death for both of them.

The lack of a special story was underlined to me last week in the office as a traditional domestic adoption took place in the conference room.  The sadness of birth mother and grandmother saying goodbye one last time was like a brick wall that the joy of the new adoptive parents kept washing up against.  It was a lot of emotion for one conference room to contain and most of us were touched by it.  As I walked by the room, I couldn't help but think once again of the sadness that my boy’s birthmothers must have experienced and my joy as I opened the door to a social worker with a baby in a car seat.  Despite the birth parent's challenges with drugs and alcohol, I want to honor their memory for my boys.  Yet, I also don't want to cause the boys pain or damage their precious self-esteem.

There are many books written on the subject of self-esteem and adoption.  All of them agree that adoptive children need to know that they were loved and were important.  Stating otherwise is implying that their genetic background is dirty and unlovable.  It is important for an adoptive child to understand their roots, good and bad, for honesty's sake too. Raising Adopted Children by Lois Melina is a wonderful book to learn more about this topic. 

My eight year old asked about his birth mother's hair when we were finally deep in the conversation.  I reported that she had long, blonde hair and his birth father had the same red hair that he also has.  He immediately said, "I don't care, I don't want hair like him."  What a funny reaction that was!  I chose to ignore the comment because I really did not know how to respond.  I wondered at the instinctual need to distance him self immediately.   The nine year old interrupted him and asked which of his birth parents he looked like.  Unfortunately, I never met his birth parents and I told him so.  I shared that I had once seen a picture of a brother who was 10 years older than he was.  His hair was dark and he was tall and thin like my son.  He accepted that bit of information in silence.  This conversation took place in the car on the way to cub scouts and ended as soon as we arrived.  I highly recommend car rides as a good place to bring up difficult subjects.  The children are strapped in with seat belts and cannot avoid or escape the topic (and neither can I). The need to keep my eyes on the road for driving purposes helps me conveniently avoid eye contact during the chat.  I admit that most of the birds and bee talks with my older children were held in my car for this reason.  

This was not the first adoption discussion we have had and it will not be the last.  Through these small conversations, my boys have a pretty good  understanding of the more positive aspects of their foster care/adoption story.  It has helped me to break up this challenging topic into short discussions with them.  It gives them time to process and absorb the new bits of information and it gives me time to process their reactions.  The hardest bit of information that I felt my youngest son needed to know early was about the death of his twin sister.  It is a heartbreaking story of neglect but led to the joy of  his placement in our family.   I didn't want him to lose this connection to her even though he has no memories of her.  Early on, I decided that I would talk about her on his birthday to give him a positive connection to her.  I always add a candle for her on the yearly cake  and try to find a way to bring up her name.  This has seemed to be a positive experience for him.  He has asked some questions but lately has begun to roll his eyes when I bring up her name.  I count this as a successful attitude on his part if the information annoys him.  It signifies that his sister's story has become family folklore and may have lost some of the sting and pain that comes with it. 

Recently, I have brought up the topic of siblings that are still living.  This is an interesting thought to both of them and they often ask questions.  I have not been brave enough to ask if they would like contact with these siblings and will face that question when one of the boys asks it out loud.  The boys are now old enough to lead the discussion in the direction they are curious about.  I like the technique of following the child's lead in hard discussions.  It allows me a peek into their thought processes and the results are often surprising.  One wanted to know if he was born in a different country and I answered no but reported that he was born in a different state.  He found that information very entertaining and it fostered an interest in Toledo, Ohio that will probably take our family to a baseball game or a museum to visit the city in the future.  It never occurred to me that Toledo would be that interesting for him.  

I realize that the most difficult discussions are still ahead for the boys as they grow up.   My plan is to keep breaking off small chunks of their story and to pass them out when I think they are ready for the information. They will need to learn about substance abuse and its effects on families on a more personal level than most kids do.  I discuss drugs and alcohol as any parent does with a child to educate and prepare them to "just say no."  If an opportunity arises, I will also add in that my son's body has already experienced the effects of a drug and see where that conversation leads us.  

Acknowledging my feelings of discomfort and repeated efforts to get over the bumpy parts are slowly but surely chipping away at the challenging subject matter.  I have enjoyed the conversations with my boys far more than I thought that I would. There are many books on the subject of talking to your adopted child and many more resources on the internet.  Here is a link to a short article that includes a few good book references .  How to Tell Your Child She is Adopted