We have all heard the stories from former foster youth who grew up
in the system. Their stories often share the same common problem of
growing up in multiple foster homes. More than two homes is bad in my book but there are stories of children who are moved five or more times during childhood and finally just aged
out of the system. What causes a caseworker to move a child so many
times? Who are these foster families that keep rejecting this child?
Is the foster care system so bad that it cannot find just one home for one
child? The answers to these questions are not easy to find. It is
too easy to say that the foster care system or foster family failed a child
once again. It is also too easy to say as a new foster family, "I
will never send a child from my home."
I have had a specific child on my mind for
about a month now. I was at a meeting that included several foster care
agencies and one of the agencies was looking for a home for a child. In
professional lingo it is called a placement request where agencies collaborate
on locating an appropriate foster home for a specific child. This child
is three and half years old and needs to be transferred from his current foster
home to a new home because of behavior issues. Further information
reveals that he is part of a sibling group of four children and he needs to be
separated from his siblings, again because of behavior issues. The newest
foster home will be his fourth foster home. The foster mother side of my
brain is already shouting, "For heaven's sake this child is only 3 years
old, how bad can his behavior truly be!!!" This happened quite a
while ago and I do not know if a home was found for this child. However,
this child has continued to creep into my thoughts. He has remained in my
brain long enough that I discussed him with my husband. Discussing a
child with my husband is a really big deal because when I went to work in this
field I promised him that I would not bring another child home. We have
five children and are very happy to say that our family is complete.
However, my husband does understand the very real risk that I may not be
able to resist temptation. Hopeless cases are the worst kind of
temptation for me, but I am just built that way. Most people are not.
So what happened in this small child's
life that brought him to this place? Obviously, abuse and neglect by his
birth family brought him into the foster care system. But why three
foster homes, with a soon to be fourth? My innocent mental shout about
this child's behavior is not a fair judgment on those previous foster homes.
Most people think of behavior problems as tantrums, hitting or something
similar. However, a child affected by trauma can bring bad behavior to
new levels that are hard to imagine. Some of the most challenging
behaviors that I have seen are bed wetting every night for months, hurting a
family pet, hurting or battling with another child in the home or even acting aggressively
toward a foster parent. It should also be said that rarely does this bad
behavior mean one isolated incident. It occurs frequently and corrective
action seems to have no effect. Providing a loving home for a child with
these kinds of challenges will test even the most seasoned foster parents.
Can a foster family that has tried everything under the sun to help a
child and had no success be blamed for giving up?
One of the points that are taught in PRIDE
classes is that the safety and health of your own family needs to come first
above the needs of a foster child. This is a hard concept to wrap the
brain around until it has been experienced. I had a foster daughter that
was the same age as my biological son. I thought "twinning"
them would be no big deal. I could not have been more wrong. Our
family spent a year trying to adjust and work out the differences with no
success. The mother in me would have adopted her in a heartbeat but it
was not what was best for my son. So I let go. It is now 10 years
later and I still carry thoughts of her in my head. I am sure that I made
the right decision for my family but at what cost to her? The intricacies
of foster care are a tangled web of choices by all parties involved.
There are some very appropriate times to
request that a child be moved from a foster family. Here is a list of possibilities.
If the foster child is physically threatening to a family member and all
attempts to change the behavior have failed. If the foster child has
sexually abused another member of the household or has been behaving in an
overly sexual way towards others. If the personalities in the household
are not getting along over an extended period of time. In all of these
cases, an agency will recommend counseling or other services for the child and
possibly the family too. An agency does not move a child unless the need
is great enough. A foster family can also choose to continue the
placement. I recommend that you find a support group to attend and learn
as much about the child's condition as you can. The rewards of succeeding
with a very troubled child are astounding and amazing.
Foster families are all created
differently and each experience is unique. The thought of a child with
extreme behavior issues has chased many potential foster families away because
of fear. Not all foster children have extreme behaviors. I have often
been surprised by a family who seemed to be tailor made to handle a particular
child. I admire those who choose not to give up and I understand the heartbreak
and grief of those who need to make a change. There are no black and
white rules when it comes to children in foster care.
The foster care system is working hard to
address the issue of multiple placements. There is now collaboration
between state social services and private agencies to increase the chance of
finding a home that fits a child's needs. Placing a child in a home that
is good fit right from the start is an important piece of the puzzle. In
the three year old's case, the caseworker is looking for a home with no other
children or pets. Everything that is known about the child's behavior
will be disclosed and services put in place to help both the foster family and
the foster child. Will all of this make for a loving home for this child?
No one knows, but we do the best that we can. Watch for the stories
from foster youth who have found their forever family, or stories about the
family that never gave up on them. Those stories are out there too and keep the
hope alive for foster families that hope to make a difference in a child's
life.
Here is a link to a blog that I really enjoy. I hope you will too! Never a Dull Moment