I really enjoy writing this blog on
both a personal and a professional level. I think one of the reasons that
my blog appeals to people in foster care or thinking about foster care are the
personal stories from my own family life that I include here. I love
writing about my family and my experiences but lately my well has run a little
dry on personal stories. I thought that it was because I was finally
learning to keep my private life to myself, but I realized today that wasn't
the reason. My teenagers continue to provide many incidents to write
about on a daily basis. I am sure there are people out there who live
quiet and uneventful lives. I am not one of them. I think the
Kardashian's are pretty boring compared to my family, or any family involved in
foster care for that matter. The real reason is that lately, I have been
focusing more on my job than my family. As I cross the line farther and
farther into social worker territory, I find that I am looking at foster care
through a different lens than I used to.
As a foster parent, I had the luxury
of mocking the rules. I often rolled my eyes when presented with another
crazy procedure or policy that I had to follow. My favorite example of
this is when the State of Michigan assigned a lawyer to my three month old
foster son, Dylan. The lawyer was required to visit Dylan at least once
prior to each court date. So every three months, this nice man would call
me to schedule a home visit to visit with Dylan. I would clean up like a
mad woman and dress the baby in the nicest outfit I could find. Tom would
come and hold Dylan for an hour and chat with me. My husband and I would
laugh together about what a waste of state money this seemed to be. I
never went to court as a foster parent so I had no idea what the lawyer ever
accomplished in Dylan's behalf. Now that I am on the other side of
tracks, I know exactly what Tom's job was and how important it really is.
Foster children are assigned a lawyer to add another voice to advocate
for the child. Dylan may not have needed his services at 3 months old but
a 10 year old or a teenager can speak with the lawyer and make their personal
wishes known. The lawyer is also one more person viewing the foster home
on a monthly basis to make sure the child is in a safe environment and bonding
well with the foster family. I miss rolling my eyes at rules because the
reason for the rules always has a dark and sinister reason behind it. In
this case, a lawyer provides a personal voice for the child in court.
Haven't we all read stories about a foster child moving from home to home
or placed with a relative that everyone thought was safe? When someone
advocates for the child in court, it adds another view point and another layer
of protection for the child. Many, many crazy rules are in place for the
child's protection and that is the most important reason of all.
There is a dark side to foster care
that I was completely oblivious to as a foster parent. Children do get
moved from home to home, but there are really good reasons to do so! The
media only describes the fact that Johnny has been in five different foster
homes. They leave out the fact that Johnny may hurt other children in the
home, that he may run away from his foster home, that some foster parents
cannot handle his behavior challenges. See, now I am talking like a
social worker again. I used to have one foot on either side of the line.
Now, I find myself hopping back and forth. I get mad at my
supervisor for sending me to investigate a complaint against a foster home that
hits too close to home. I get mad at the foster family for not following
the rules that are there to protect them and the child, causing an
investigation. I am mad that I love this profession so much and that it
requires me to judge the safety of a home and the sincerity of the family. Here a few quick rules that
drives me crazy on both sides of the line.
1. Having a phone in the home
at all times: Many people only use cell phones now and no longer have a land
line. The agency needs to be able to reach a foster parent at all times!
Why does a foster family have to pay for a land line they never use?
2. Egress windows in the
basement: You cannot have a play area or a bedroom in the basement with
no window to escape from in case of fire. Do you really want to be the
foster family in the news where the child died in a fire because there was no
escape from the basement? That really happened, by the way. The
other side of this rule is the fact that everyone uses their basement for
additional space (including myself) without consideration of safety.
3. References: Why do I
have to beg my neighbor or my coworker to vouch for me as a parent? It is
embarrassing. Because the agency needs to make sure that you are not a
crazy person (and your neighbors would know!).
I could go on and on with this list
but I will save it for a part two in a future post. I would like to add a
quick plug for support groups. I run a support group for foster parents
every month and it is one of my favorite parts of my job. I get to take
all this knowledge that I have on both sides of the line and help others
through the process. However, I can honestly say that I have never
attended a support group as an attendee. I received quite an eye
opening moment over this fact recently. If you are a regular reader, then
you know that I have an 18 year old son who is struggling with drug addiction.
That is a nice social worker sentence that sums up the agony of my life
in less than 10 words. I have spent hours on the phone learning about
substance abuse programs and trying to find a program that will be covered by
my insurance that isn't located 300 miles away. I argue with my son and
plan strategy with my husband. It is safe to say that this issue has
consumed most of my life recently. I found a place and scheduled an
appointment to get him assessed. I extracted a promise from my son that
he would go to the appointment and listen to what the counselor had to say.
Unfortunately, my son backed out and refused to go to the appointment.
I was devastated. I called the counselor to cancel, repeating to
myself that this probably happens in her line of work all the time. She
was very nice and at the end of the conversation I asked if I am doing the
right thing in working so hard to get my unwilling son treatment. In a
very quiet voice, she suggested that I attend the local support group for
people with family members with substance abuse problems. I could tell
the exact moment that she took off her social work hat and become just another
devastated mother with a child refusing help. I realized all over again
how helpful it is to talk to others with similar experiences. I am going
to attend this group because I know that these people will have practical
advice on how to navigate the system and how to survive this trauma as a
parent. My eye opening thought was that I don't need to go through this alone.
There is help out there. As a person hosting a support group, I
should have remembered this fact. Well, now I do and I am sharing it with
you.
The support group that I host is for
people at any stage of fostering or adopting a child. It is called the
A-OK Parents Group and meets the second Friday of every month from 6:30 to 8:30
at Hands Across the Water. Refreshments and child care are provided. Call
the office to pre-register at 734-477-0135. A support group is a
wonderful place to listen, learn and ask questions. Come and join us!