Honesty Comes with a Price Tag

My readers often leave comments that show their appreciation for my honesty.  I love those comment because they encourage me to continue writing and it is a great feeling to know that I can help others with this crazy life of mine.  However, I often sit in front of my computer and wonder how I am going to share my latest thoughts without sharing more than I really intend to.  For instance, I am pretty sure that most of my co-workers, personal friends, and my church family are regular readers.   As I was writing my last post, Motherhood is Complicated, I really thought hard about writing about my son and his current challenges.  Did I really want to announce  that my child had been arrested and I was in agony over his choices to everyone?    Not really!  I chose to be more subtle than a direct statement by the time the post was complete.  However, I have had a change of heart since I wrote that last post.   One of the perks of reading the blog of a stranger is getting to peek in someone else's window.   For me as a reader, it is about connecting with someone who may be going through the same things that I am and learning from their experiences.   So I have decided that as a writer I would like to be as honest as I can be to help others who want to become foster parents.

So now I am going to serve up some real honesty about my son and his situation even if it gets a little embarrassing to do so.   Jason is 17 years old and a very friendly guy.  He loves people and he has many friends.  His teacher's love having him in class, even though he is an under achieving student (that translates to borderline failing sometimes).  He gives me a hug everyday just because he wants too.  For this mother, he has been a joy to raise until he became a teenager.  Jason's biggest flaw is that he bows to peer pressure far too easily.   I believe following his friends into the world of cigarettes, then marijuana, and now maybe some prescription pills was his downfall.  I am not saying that Jason is not at fault for the decisions that he has made but I do believe that it started because he just didn't say no.  It can be very humiliating to share the details of Jason's struggle because I spend plenty of time wondering what I did wrong and judging myself as a parent.  I am just too raw and wounded to take words about the situation from anyone else.  As a parent, I am always working on Jason's problems.  He has many problems in school and it is an on-going project to keep him in high school with passing grades.  This year he started his senior year at the third high school of his academic career.  I am sure I will post in the future about helping a troubled child to become a success in school.   Right now I am helping him navigate probation and community service as a consequence of his arrest.  Counseling and substance abuse help are also rotating through his life.   I have reluctantly acquired a great deal of knowledge about how to help a troubled teenager. 

I am sharing Jason's story with my readers because life is not perfect and sometimes the life of foster parent becomes much more difficult that ever imagined.   In fact, many of my clients start out with stars in their eyes hoping to bring home their perfect forever child.  Yes, that does happen but that perfect child brings their own personality and past trauma with them.  Good social workers are open and honest about each child entering a new family.   However, the reality of foster care is that social workers often do not have much information before the child is placed.  I had a child placed in my home for two weeks before I found out that I was calling this beautiful baby by the wrong name!  The birth parents had used a fake name when dealing with child protective services.  Thankfully, the child doesn't remember that little mix up!  Regardless of where the child came from there are unknown challenges ahead in the journey of parenting.  Jason happens to be my biological child but I have faced challenging behavior from my foster children too.  I know that he grew up in a loving environment and was taught about the dangers of drug use because I was there!  If there is a perfect child out there, I have yet to find him or her.  Adoptive and foster parents should realize that there will be challenges ahead and they should be fully committed to work through the issues.   Putting the child back on a plane to Russia or selling the child to someone else are not available options to those of us who are not insane.  I confess to some serious self pity and a full day (or two) of wondering why this would happen in my family but I forced myself to get over that quickly and buckle in to figure out what to do next. 

Being a foster mom has taught me that there is always a solution to a situation.  I am not sure what it is but I work hard to find it.  Start with your agency resources.  Call your case worker.  Go to support group where you can talk freely about what is going on in your home.  Other foster moms often have ideas to share.  These woman are miracle workers when it comes to bed wetting, hoarding and public tantrums.  In Jason's case, I received very valuable advice from an unexpected source.  Jason was required to go to court and refused to allow me to get him a lawyer.  I was scared to death he was going to be tossed straight into jail.  The prosecuter (of all people!) called us into his office before Jason was to see the judge and walked us through the process.  He advised me to participate in probation meetings and to not be afraid to call and request a drug test if I felt it was necessary.  I felt like I had some power again and some tools to use to help my son and it lifted a portion of the burden off of my shoulders. 

 

I have found that the price of honesty is worth paying because other people are willing to lend a hand or a good piece of advice and share the burden.  The youth leader at my church is willing to encourage Jason to come to youth night again.   My best friend is willing to listen to my woes at lunch and lend a shoulder to cry on.   Once the probation officer knew that Jason's parents wanted to be a part of the process, her entire attitude changed.  Yes, I am embarrassed, okay mortified is a better word.  But if I were to keep this burden all to myself, I would not have found these wonderful people who are so willing to lend a hand. The best reward of all is that I have found some hope again and the strength to keep fighting my way through this challenge.   I will keep all of you posted and hope that I have some better news to share about Jason in my next post.