Thoughts about Runaways

It has now become clear that the extra child living in my home is technically called a runaway.  Yes, she is still here.  My father arrived on Easter Sunday for dinner and a family visit and noticed our extra right away.  Dad is a pretty out going guy and very used to extra children in my house.  He said, "Who are you?"  She told her her name and he says, "Do you live here?"  She responds, "Yes, I think so."  I feel a little bad that I did not warn Dad ahead of time but I am grateful that he jumped in and included her in the family conversation of the day.  I became aware of her runaway status when her mother told me during one of our phone calls.  It seems this young lady has runaway from her family five times since Christmas of 2012.   That is a lot of running in a very short time.  The stories that I am going to share with you are not about foster children, but foster children can and do runaway from the homes they have been placed in.  I hope you will find some useful information from my experiences that can be applied to youth in foster care. 

When I think of the term "runaway," I can see images from the television of parents posting missing posters and homeless children wandering the streets using drugs.  This girl is not that kind of runaway, nor have I ever met that kind of runaway.  However, runaway teens seem to find my home on a regular basis.  My current fugitive is the fifth young person to land at my house for more than a week because of family issues.  In addition, two of my biological kids have claimed to runaway on more than one occasion.  I think it is safe to say that I have a little experience with this type of behavior.  

I have noticed some common themes among these kids that include, my parents are crazy, my parents don't care about me, or my favorite, I have no where else to go.  The kids that land in my home are usually friends of my own children from our surrounding community.  I have had this happen so often that I have begun to wonder if all the parents in my community are bad parents!  Maybe I am the bad parent for harboring their runaway child!  There are no easy answers in this situation.  My own children have used running away as a form of control or as part of a power struggle.  For example, "If you make me go to school, I will run away."  My answer to this is usually, "school is required in this household, you are free to leave if you cannot abide by the rules of this home."  This works well when calling a bluff and often takes the air right out of the angry teenager's sails.  One of my sons did stomp out of the house and did not return for three days.  I was scared to death!  This is when I learned that the parents in my community are some of my best friends.  My son had run to a friend's house and the mother sent me a short text to let me know that he was there and was safe.  Kids often run to safe territory.  The girl in my home now has  known my family from years of attending the same church.  Our home is a safe place from which to argue with her parents.  I am sure that she chose us on purpose.  Runaways often do not plan their escape (some do, but not generally).  It is often done in the heat of anger or within a set of favorable circumstances.  

When a child runs away, the parent is left with a big pot of emotion.  I felt like a failure.  I could not control my child.  I felt rejected as a human being.  I love my children with my entire soul, and by running away, my child has announced to the world that he does not love me.  It is a horrible emotional place to be as a parent.  Foster parents have similar thoughts because they have opened their home and hearts to a stranger's child.  That gift has been rejected.  What do I do?  My advice is to take care of practical matters first, which means locating the child.  In my case, I called friends, grandparents and even a teacher.  Foster parents should alert the case worker and possibly the authorities of necessary, but also check birth parents, friends, and the school.  Once the child is located, change can begin.

In my son's case, I had to learn to compromise.  I was not going to allow him to drop out of high school but I was open to the idea of changing schools.  He visited several with me and chose an alternative high school in a town close by.  He is doing very well there and no longer has an absentee problem.  I cannot stress enough the importance of compromise and listening when it comes to difficult teenagers.  I learned this the hard way when my mother tossed me out of the house when I was 16 years old.  We did  not speak again for two years.  I knew that I did not want to travel this same road with my own children so I learned to listen and compromise.  If I child feels that parents are listening then they feel  they have a voice in their own lives.  Then they may not feel the need to runaway.  Prevention is a parent's best defense against the runaway.  Listen to the child and ask lots of questions.  I recommend repeating back some statements to the child during the conversation.  This helps you understand what is being said and also lets the child know that you are trying to listen.  Then take time to think about what is being said.  My favorite phrase is, "I heard what you said and now I need some time to think about it."  If a child feels a parent is truly listening, then they will wait for the outcome.  There are some rules that should never be compromised on.  Drug use falls into this category in my household.  If I see evidence of it, I will morph into an erupting volcano and lose all ability to listen and compromise.  However, once I calm down, the solution to the drug use can be negotiated.  Therapy and drug treatment programs can work miracles if your child is facing this situation.  

I have told the parents of the girl in my house I am willing to provide a safe place for her to live right now until they are able to work things out.  The alternative for her is house hopping between the homes of friends and then the streets.  Those options are intolerable to me and her parents, so this arrangement is working for now.  I hope the parents figure out how to compromise soon!