Protecting Your Heart

It is a sad day in our household today.  One of my daughter's best friends died in a car accident on Monday night.  He was 20 years old.  There are not enough adjectives to describe how upset and sad she is today.  I wish I could take her pain away and make it all better.  Unfortunately, I am stuck just holding her while she cries.  I am trying to say the right things but even I am at a loss for words with this one.  Even worse for me is the fact that death and grieving is not something new for my daughter.  She has lost friends before and in fact, just attended a funeral last week of an older brother of a past boyfriend.  All of this sadness and heartbreak has brought to my mind the way humans protect their hearts.

Children with abusive pasts are experts at protecting their hearts from further damage.  They do not trust easily and are usually very independent.  It is difficult but necessary to break through these walls to teach them how to love again.  But what about a foster parent's heart?  It is a sad guarantee that a foster parent will  suffer some heartbreak through the fostering process.  I even cry over the ones that I an happy to see returning home.  Foster parenting is a gift from the heart and the heart is going to get stepped on sometimes.  Is there a way to protect ourselves from the pain of loss?  

I am sure there are technical and psychological techniques that can be studied and applied but I do not have much experience on that level.  All I have is my personal experience to offer.  I used to think that I could protect my heart better with an older child rather than a baby.  Babies tend to tug on my heartstrings very quickly because they seem to be built that way.  I quickly found out that I was completely wrong on that score.  At 18 years old, Shelly knocked down my heart barriers within two months and I still think of her everyday.  As a foster parent I am able to parent and act like a mother in a very generic way.  I do not have to love a child to be a good parent.    I hope that does not sound too cold but it is true.  I can dress, feed, and bathe a child just a like a babysitter does.  I can offer support and a safe household without risking my heart.  Some of this I learned through experience and some I had to learn the hard way.  I had a little boy placed in my home on the Friday of memorial day weekend.  By Sunday I was completely in love with the child, on Tuesday he was moved to another home to be with his siblings.  It was a quick and hard lesson in babysitting 101.  With other kids, I have offered up the gift of love even when I did not want too.  It is hard to maintain a distance when another soul needs love so much.

I believe that it is okay to keep your heart in reserve as long as you can when fostering a child.  Taking care of a child is a wonderful thing and can be done in a professional manner.  I am sure a teacher or day care professional does this all the time.  I also believe that it is okay to give your heart to a child and just deal with the pain when it comes.  The gift of the heart is never wasted and the child can take it with them when they leave.  I often take comfort in the idea that I have taught a child how to love or showed them how trust should exist in a healthy family.

 Later on, when time has had a chance to work its magic on my daughter, I would like to ask her if she wished she had never let this friend into her life now that she knows the ending.  I am pretty sure that she is glad that she knew him for the short time he was on this earth.  He added to her life and she to his.  Fostering a child and then losing them is the same idea.  I can make a difference in a child's life by opening my home and sometimes my heart.  I am glad that I have foster children in my life.  I hope you are too!