Life in my household has returned to normal. Well, as normal as it can be in a household full of people. Last week my house seemed very empty. Everyone went somewhere. Jason has been in New York all summer long with a friend, Dad went up north with Michael and Nathan for a short time. That left me, Dylan and Brynna the only ones left at home. I had time time to grieve for Shelly and time to read a book just for me. Alone time is very hard to come by in my world and I savored every minute of it.
The peace and quiet dissolved pretty quickly as people began to return home. All of a sudden, the dishes are multiplying at an alarming rate and the noise level has me concerned about the neighbors. As of today, there are ten people milling around my house. Most are family but others are friends my kids have spending the night. Now there is no room to have quiet moment and oddly enough no room left to grieve for Shelly any longer. She is still in my thoughts but without the pain. Life has moved on because there is nothing more that I can do for her unless she wants my help.
It is funny how the mind and heart adjust to a new situation that it thought would be unbearable. All of a sudden it is bearable. I would say that my family is now in the remembering stage of adjusting. Shelly's name comes up often as the family gets used to the empty spot she used to fill. Some of the family claims there is less mess in the bathroom (not really true, but if they want to imagine cleanliness, I will let them). People are noticing that food is lasting a little longer with one less mouth to feed. We are still finding items that belong to Shelly. Some are practical memories, some are sad, and some are funny. We are now talking about Shelly a lot. I think it helps the younger ones adjust and the older ones to vent their frustrations.
School starts next week for almost everyone and life returns to normal. Shelly has become a good memory. I hope we made a difference in her life during the year that she spent here. I am sure that we will see her again in the future and that is comforting to me. I think I am ready to change her status on my biography bar too. That probably sounds silly but I wasn't able to do that last week without some tears involved.
If you are someone wondering if you could ever become a foster parent and deal with the loss of a child, then here is my advice to you. It hurts, we grieve, and life goes on. It is not an unbearable loss in the larger scenario of what a foster parent is trying to do for a foster child. The potential for positive change in the life of child is so much larger compared to this small moment of loss that you should not let the fear stop you from fostering a child. It is an amazing journey for everyone!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Keeping in Touch with Foster Kids
Process of letting go of one of my foster kids is still in progress in my household. I decided that cleaning out Shelly's room would help me move forward in the process. Shelly left pretty quickly. She packed up her stuff in garbage bags because she refused the offer of boxes or a suitcase. On the plus side, she left with four more bags that she arrived with, but I was still dismayed at her use of the garbage bags. As a result the room was a mess of odds and ends that she either forgot or did not want. So I pulled a large garbage can into the room and began sorting and pitching. For awhile, my mind was stuck on the irony of her packing up garbage bags. Foster kids often arrive with a garbage bag of stuff. There have been successful programs that pass out backpacks or duffel bags to foster kids to try and change this issue, but it seems to be an ongoing problem. The reason for the prevalence of garbage bags is because foster kids often are pulled out of their birth homes very quickly and under very uncomfortable circumstances. The child or the social worker often has little time to fill a bag before leaving the home. Foster parents hope a child will arrive with more than the clothes on their backs but this doesn't happen very often. Shelly came to us with backpack and a garbage bag that included one pair of shoes, two pairs of jeans, and two shirts. She didn't pack very much because she assumed her Dad would let her get her stuff as she needed it. He refused to let her have anything more and I had to take her shopping many times to fix the problem.
Teenage girls are messy and leave a lot of stuff laying around. Shelly's odds and ends seem to chronicle her stay with us. There was an ipod case left on the floor. We had bought her an ipod to listen to music because she had 90 minute bus ride to school every day. The ipod was stolen somewhere down the line and I was left with the pieces. There were four different bottles of hair spray that reminded me of how much Shelly liked to try out new products before finishing the old one up. I found bags of chips and crackers unopened, but hidden away just in case. Hiding food in the room is also a common trait shared by foster kids. When they don't know where their next meal is coming from, collecting food takes on new meaning. Taped on the wall was a picture painted by little brother, Nathan. He likes to hang pictures in everyone's rooms. I stopped and shed a few tears over that. I have explained to the younger boys that Shelly has moved out and they seemed comfortable with the idea. They really liked her and she was often their babysitter. I am sad for the end of that relationship.
Shelly has moved out and does not seem to want further contact with our family. When foster kids leave a foster home, they are usually returning to the birth family or onto another placement. Sometimes the foster family is able to have continuing updates and contact on how the child is doing in the new home. Sometimes the contact ends when the child leaves. Both options are difficult. In my case, I hope and worry for Shelly but receive few answers. The complete lack of information is hard for me to take. However, I remember that too much information on the next placement is also hard to take. I have been down that road also.
As I continue to grieve quietly for my lost child, I find comfort in the thought that we gave her a really good year. We showed her how a loving family lives and interacts with each other. We gave her love and trust. I gave her all that I had and hope she takes it with her and is successful in her life. I taught her some valuable life skills that she didn't have when she got here. In my opinion, these are the most valuable gifts that a foster family can share with a foster child. People often say to me, what is the point of fostering if the child goes right back to the birth family and is back at the place they started from? The point is that a foster family has the opportunity to break the cycle of abuse by teaching the foster child how to be a better and stronger person. My family is now a part of Shelly's past and memories. Those memories will help shape the person that she becomes. That is the work that I dedicate myself too.
Teenage girls are messy and leave a lot of stuff laying around. Shelly's odds and ends seem to chronicle her stay with us. There was an ipod case left on the floor. We had bought her an ipod to listen to music because she had 90 minute bus ride to school every day. The ipod was stolen somewhere down the line and I was left with the pieces. There were four different bottles of hair spray that reminded me of how much Shelly liked to try out new products before finishing the old one up. I found bags of chips and crackers unopened, but hidden away just in case. Hiding food in the room is also a common trait shared by foster kids. When they don't know where their next meal is coming from, collecting food takes on new meaning. Taped on the wall was a picture painted by little brother, Nathan. He likes to hang pictures in everyone's rooms. I stopped and shed a few tears over that. I have explained to the younger boys that Shelly has moved out and they seemed comfortable with the idea. They really liked her and she was often their babysitter. I am sad for the end of that relationship.
Shelly has moved out and does not seem to want further contact with our family. When foster kids leave a foster home, they are usually returning to the birth family or onto another placement. Sometimes the foster family is able to have continuing updates and contact on how the child is doing in the new home. Sometimes the contact ends when the child leaves. Both options are difficult. In my case, I hope and worry for Shelly but receive few answers. The complete lack of information is hard for me to take. However, I remember that too much information on the next placement is also hard to take. I have been down that road also.
As I continue to grieve quietly for my lost child, I find comfort in the thought that we gave her a really good year. We showed her how a loving family lives and interacts with each other. We gave her love and trust. I gave her all that I had and hope she takes it with her and is successful in her life. I taught her some valuable life skills that she didn't have when she got here. In my opinion, these are the most valuable gifts that a foster family can share with a foster child. People often say to me, what is the point of fostering if the child goes right back to the birth family and is back at the place they started from? The point is that a foster family has the opportunity to break the cycle of abuse by teaching the foster child how to be a better and stronger person. My family is now a part of Shelly's past and memories. Those memories will help shape the person that she becomes. That is the work that I dedicate myself too.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Letting Go
There is one subject that comes up more than any other when I am discussing foster care with people. Potential foster parents want to know how they will be able to let go when it is time for the child to leave. People say, "I could never foster a child because I would love them too much and would not be able to give them up." Unfortunately, this heartbreak is built into the system. Foster parents are asked to open their homes and their hearts. A foster family builds bonds of love and trust because that is what the child needs to heal from the trauma they have experienced in their lives. The family does this knowing that the child will eventually return to the birth family. As with most things, this potential heartbreak is not easy to define.
I had to let go of one of my kids this week. My emotions are a tangle ball of yarn as I begin the process of adjusting to a family member missing from my home. Shelly has been with our family for 10 months. My husband and I taught her to drive and helped her buy her first car. I cheered her on in her school work and helped her work through her emotions over her birth family. She became one of our own during those months. Now she is gone and her room is empty. Her car is not parked in front of my house. There is this huge, gaping space where she supposed to be. The grief of a mother is a real and tangible thing when I comes to fostering kids.
However, there is another side to this heartbreak that is very difficult to explain to people who have not fostered before. I would like to try and explain so that other's can learn about the reality of taking in a stranger's child. My relationship with Shelly was not all roses and smiles. We had our difficult times too. For most of the the 10 months that she lived with us, Shelly was glued to my side. She wanted to go where ever I went and kept up a constant stream of chatter. This is fine for a few days, but after weeks of Shelly time, I was begging my husband for some reprieve. I spent a lot of my own personal money on the things that Shelly needed. She came to us with one small bag of clothes and one pair of shoes. She had no friends in our small town because she did not go to school here. That meant that she had no friends nearby to connect with. She was always here. This changed as she got more comfortable but for the most part, Shelly was always in the house. What I am nicely saying is that Shelly was emotionally and sometimes financially a source of constant stress for me. Now that she has moved out, I feel that burden of stress slowly lifting. I woke up this morning and only my little boys were up and about. The older kids had gone to work. It was a wonderful feeling to feel comfortable again.
When I let go of a child who has been with me for a long time the feelings are always two sided. Sadness and relief. Stress and freedom. Sometimes a foster family is glad to let a difficult child go, and that is a normal feeling. Fostering kids causes us to reach deep inside ourselves and act outside of our comfort zone. It is a relief when things return to the comfort zone. It is part of the process to have good, bad, or ambivalent feelings about a child leaving. When someone asks me how I handle the heartbreak of sending a child home, I tell them that I am sad and I am happy. I will miss Shelly and I will cry over that loss. However, I will also be happy that she is on a new path and I can have some privacy in my own home again.
I had to let go of one of my kids this week. My emotions are a tangle ball of yarn as I begin the process of adjusting to a family member missing from my home. Shelly has been with our family for 10 months. My husband and I taught her to drive and helped her buy her first car. I cheered her on in her school work and helped her work through her emotions over her birth family. She became one of our own during those months. Now she is gone and her room is empty. Her car is not parked in front of my house. There is this huge, gaping space where she supposed to be. The grief of a mother is a real and tangible thing when I comes to fostering kids.
However, there is another side to this heartbreak that is very difficult to explain to people who have not fostered before. I would like to try and explain so that other's can learn about the reality of taking in a stranger's child. My relationship with Shelly was not all roses and smiles. We had our difficult times too. For most of the the 10 months that she lived with us, Shelly was glued to my side. She wanted to go where ever I went and kept up a constant stream of chatter. This is fine for a few days, but after weeks of Shelly time, I was begging my husband for some reprieve. I spent a lot of my own personal money on the things that Shelly needed. She came to us with one small bag of clothes and one pair of shoes. She had no friends in our small town because she did not go to school here. That meant that she had no friends nearby to connect with. She was always here. This changed as she got more comfortable but for the most part, Shelly was always in the house. What I am nicely saying is that Shelly was emotionally and sometimes financially a source of constant stress for me. Now that she has moved out, I feel that burden of stress slowly lifting. I woke up this morning and only my little boys were up and about. The older kids had gone to work. It was a wonderful feeling to feel comfortable again.
When I let go of a child who has been with me for a long time the feelings are always two sided. Sadness and relief. Stress and freedom. Sometimes a foster family is glad to let a difficult child go, and that is a normal feeling. Fostering kids causes us to reach deep inside ourselves and act outside of our comfort zone. It is a relief when things return to the comfort zone. It is part of the process to have good, bad, or ambivalent feelings about a child leaving. When someone asks me how I handle the heartbreak of sending a child home, I tell them that I am sad and I am happy. I will miss Shelly and I will cry over that loss. However, I will also be happy that she is on a new path and I can have some privacy in my own home again.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Blowing Sunshine
My sister-in-law has the most wonderful saying called blowing sunshine. This is her special way of reminding me that I am being far to positive or upbeat about something that is really not that cheerful at all. This phrase jumped right to the front of my brain as I was chatting with another foster parent about my blog. I tend to see most things in life in a very positive way. I guess I am just built that way or it may be a defense mechanism to all the craziness going on around me. I know that I tend to write in this manner also. The reality of foster parenting is not nearly as sunny a topic as I often write it. In my defense, I tend to write more about my experiences that have happened a few years ago. Time has a way of softening the edges of painful memories. Regardless of blowing sunshine or raging tornadoes, I would not trade my experiences for anything in the world.
I am just like anyone else in this world with problems and emotions that often get the better of me. Being a foster parent is just plain hard, emotional work. My emotions can change from day to day or hour to hour. There are moments when I love my foster children so much my I get tears in my eyes when I look at them. Five minutes later, I feel so frustrated I could scream and there is not a drop of love to be found. Foster children bring the worst kinds of behavior with them from their past experiences and it takes time (and more time) to change their behavior in a positive way. I spent 6 months with one particular child teaching them not to be a thief. This child would go to school and take school supplies from other kids desks. One time she "borrowed" a personal item from the teachers desk. I was horrified and embarrassed the first time the teach called me. I went through the steps with the child of apologizing, returning the item, and punishment. She immediately stole another item the very next week. There was another embarrassing chat with the teacher and another round of punishment. This cycle repeated itself for six months. I wondered if I was a bad parent. I wondered if she was a bad kid that could not be fixed. I felt like a complete and total failure as a foster parent. I cried many tears of frustration and hopelessness. Now here is the part where I can apply the blowing sunshine phrase. After six months, she finally learned!!! The teacher and I formed a close relationship and worked closely together to help this child. I learned what advocating for a child truly meant. I learned that changing a child's behavior takes a long time. I became a better parent and now I can write about it in a positive way without mentioning the dirty looks I received from other parents at school events (that made me want to hide in my house and never come out). That is blowing sunshine!
I think our foster kids need someone who can look past the horrible behavior and see the potential a child has inside. Sometimes it is very, very hard to see, but I keep looking. I can't helping looking because I have seen the positive results of a child who learns how to overcome their behavior. The teenagers in my house have stretched my positive thinking to its outer limits. If I judge them by their current behavior I may be raising the most lazy, greedy, and disrespectful kids on the planet. Even their grandparents look at me strangely when I tell them how much progress a certain teenager in my family (who shall remain nameless) has made. It seems hopeless, maybe it is. It depends on what day you ask me. My answer to all doubting relatives is that I am not going to give up on my kids. I will keep working with them, hoping for the best, and keep on blowing sunshine no matter what life throws at me.
I am just like anyone else in this world with problems and emotions that often get the better of me. Being a foster parent is just plain hard, emotional work. My emotions can change from day to day or hour to hour. There are moments when I love my foster children so much my I get tears in my eyes when I look at them. Five minutes later, I feel so frustrated I could scream and there is not a drop of love to be found. Foster children bring the worst kinds of behavior with them from their past experiences and it takes time (and more time) to change their behavior in a positive way. I spent 6 months with one particular child teaching them not to be a thief. This child would go to school and take school supplies from other kids desks. One time she "borrowed" a personal item from the teachers desk. I was horrified and embarrassed the first time the teach called me. I went through the steps with the child of apologizing, returning the item, and punishment. She immediately stole another item the very next week. There was another embarrassing chat with the teacher and another round of punishment. This cycle repeated itself for six months. I wondered if I was a bad parent. I wondered if she was a bad kid that could not be fixed. I felt like a complete and total failure as a foster parent. I cried many tears of frustration and hopelessness. Now here is the part where I can apply the blowing sunshine phrase. After six months, she finally learned!!! The teacher and I formed a close relationship and worked closely together to help this child. I learned what advocating for a child truly meant. I learned that changing a child's behavior takes a long time. I became a better parent and now I can write about it in a positive way without mentioning the dirty looks I received from other parents at school events (that made me want to hide in my house and never come out). That is blowing sunshine!
I think our foster kids need someone who can look past the horrible behavior and see the potential a child has inside. Sometimes it is very, very hard to see, but I keep looking. I can't helping looking because I have seen the positive results of a child who learns how to overcome their behavior. The teenagers in my house have stretched my positive thinking to its outer limits. If I judge them by their current behavior I may be raising the most lazy, greedy, and disrespectful kids on the planet. Even their grandparents look at me strangely when I tell them how much progress a certain teenager in my family (who shall remain nameless) has made. It seems hopeless, maybe it is. It depends on what day you ask me. My answer to all doubting relatives is that I am not going to give up on my kids. I will keep working with them, hoping for the best, and keep on blowing sunshine no matter what life throws at me.