Bonding Activities

One of the most difficult moments for me is the first few minutes of a new placement.  The social worker has walked out the door and the new foster child and I are left looking at each other.  What now?  Babies are easy.  Get a bottle, change diaper and start snuggling.  Middle age kids and teenagers are trickier.  I can buy some time by showing the child where they will be sleeping and putting stuff away.  It is too soon to turn on the television and that seems like cheating.  This is a time to get to know each other and it does help to have some ice breaking activities in mind that can facilitate this.  Are you hungry?  This leads to a snack and showing the child the ropes in the kitchen.  Let the child help pour or fetch a glass to begin the process of feeling comfortable.  I want my kids to understand that the refrigerator is part of their territory. I want them to get their own snacks and put their dishes in the sink when done.  For the first snack, I will sit down and munch too.  If there are other children in the house, around the kitchen table is a great place for introductions.  Usually the new child will follow the rest of the gang after snack to another activity.  Do not expect that the new child is going to share every last detail of their life with you over a first snack or unpacking.  Trust and bonding take time to build.  Foster parents should design a few activities specifically designed to help with the building of trust.  The activity can be simple such as a trip to the park or a game of cards for younger children.  Teenagers love to shop for clothes and the odds are high that a new foster teenager did not bring enough clothes with them.  The car ride is a comfortable place to chat or just listen to the radio together.  Music can often help a quiet teen find something to talk about.  Even I have managed to find a few rap songs that I can tolerate by using this method!
Many kids in foster care have never had the opportunity to play sports or participate in extra curricular activities.  I love to allow them to explore a new interest by signing up for something.  My eight year old foster daughter developed an interest in Tae Kwon Do and she loved it.  I have the most amazing pictures of her in the white uniform and colored belt, kicking as hard as she can.  Soccer is another great idea.  It doesn't take a lot of prior knowledge to join in and have a good time.  A uniform and a team atmosphere gives the child the gift of being normal for awhile.  A foster child spends a lot of time feeling different from other kids, so normal activities are important.  Keep in mind that the expense of these classes and sports have to be paid for by you and can get expensive.  I have found many organizations are willing to let a foster child play for free or a reduced rate if I ask.  Don't be afraid to ask because often organizations are happy to be offered an opportunity to help out. 
I used to be a stay at home mom and many of my bonding activities included doing things together around the house.  They may look like chores but to a child who has never done chores it can be fun.  Sweeping the floor is one of my favorites because we make a game out of who can create the biggest pile of dirt (with eight people in my house, there is always enough dirt to be found!).  Hanging laundry on the line is also fun.  Kids can run between the sheets and play hiding games afterward.  Chores should be done together for a while and in a fun way.  It provides a teaching opportunity and time to talk while working.  Yes, even teenagers can have fun doing chores.  Mowing the grass is a teen favorite because it involves the lawn mower!  Teach them how to push or ride it and do the job together.  Later I let the teens earn pocket money for chores.  Young men are often happy to be using their bodies in physical activity.  I also cook with all my kids.  Anyone is welcome to join me in the kitchen to make dinner.  Shelly (17) loves to pick out our menu for the evening.  She has made the "What is for dinner question?" a whole lot more fun for me. 
Kids are fun to have around, so have fun with them.  When we work together and play together we are creating a bond of  trust and sharing that will only grow stronger.