The Role of a Foster Dad

My husband is the most supportive man on this earth.  He happened to marry a woman who loves children.  I am not sure that this was really the best choice for him because he was the oldest of five kids in his family.  I remember when we were dating, he would talk about being the oldest in a large family.  He helped out a lot and felt that he had already experienced enough of raising children.  However, he was game for one or two children after we had been married for a few peaceful years.  Neither one of us really had any clue where life would lead us and now we are proud parents to 6 children.  How cool is that?  See, now that is my attitude.  My husband's is a bit more stoic in nature.  When I wanted to have another baby, he would remind me that someday they would be teenagers and I should think ahead a little bit.  I never did and still do not look as far into the future as I should.  I am still captivated by children. I often get asked how my husband feels about the foster kids.  I happily reply that he is my partner and we work together.  I tend to leave out the learning curve we both experienced in the early years of fostering.  Each child I gave birth too changed our marriage in small ways and so too did each foster child who entered our lives.  With the biological children we adjusted to always putting them first, sleep deprivation, and a tight budget.  These same challenges happen with foster kids, but they can be magnified.  Putting a foster child first in our lives did not come naturally at first.  It was something we had to work at by focusing and sharing the work load.  Finances can be strained as funding from the state takes a few weeks to process.  I am sure I could write a book on the effects of sleep deprivation in parents.  That part is the hardest of all for me.  In our household, Dad is focused on the practical side of things.  He is the consistent one in the discipline department.  He balances our financial spending to make sure I don't spend every dime we have on the children.  He takes the kids out of the house and away from me when I have reached the end of my emotional rope.  Our partnership has grown and bloomed as we raise children together.  We argued and communicated our way though the roughs spots as most couples do. 
A Dad plays an important role in raising children and again this is magnified with foster children.  Many foster kids have never experienced a positive male role model in their lives (this can be reversed to where they have never experienced a positive female role model too).   My husband is very good at waiting for a child to accept him.  He joins in with court dates, car driving and doctors appointments whenever possible.  He becomes an important feature in their lives often before the child realizes it is happening.  Shelly calls me Mom and wants a mother daughter relationship with me.  But she calls my husband by his first name and often tiptoes around him.  Shelly was raised by her biological father and suffered abuse at his hand.  She is not going to open her heart easily to another father figure.  However, she knows he cares about her and will provide for her.  These are some of the first steps needed to form a bond.  Diamond (an eight year old past foster child in our home) also spent several months watching my husband quietly before accepting him into her life.  Foster Father's have the opportunity to show foster kids what a good Father should look like.  I hope that when the kids leave our home they will carry with them the image of positive parents and use that knowledge to become a positive parent themselves.

Extended Family

I have been blessed in my life with a wonderful extended family.  Many times my parents or my in-laws have provided a listening ear, babysitting, or financial help when my family is in need.  We support each other and look out for each other.  However, the announcement that my husband and I wished to foster children caused some in my extended family to wonder if we had lost our minds.  My husband and I had many discussions about how our decision would affect those around us.  Of course, our biological children would face the highest level of change in their lives but how would this affect Grandma and Grandpa?  This is a really important question to answer because having foster kids in my home does affect Grandma and Grandpa in a big way.  Don't forget that this will also affect Grandma and Grandpa who live far away too.  I chose to write about extended family today because one of our Grandma's (we have three in our family) did a really nice thing for Shelly this weekend.  She took her to a college hockey game.  Grandma has season tickets to just about every sport in our University town and often takes grandchildren or donates tickets to our family for a fun event.  It was Shelly's first time attending a college hockey game and she had a wonderful time.  It was a really nice thing for Grandma to do because it showed Shelly that she is a part of the family and not an outsider.  Foster kids feel like outsiders a lot even when the family works hard to prevent this perception.  It takes time to become a member of the family when you are joining the family a little late in the game.  This perception is heightened when there are family gatherings or holiday's.  The extended family also needs to work at accepting a stranger into what is usually a closed circle.   This is hard.  It is hard for everyone involved until a comfort level is reached.  It requires an open mind and an open heart.  It is also important to remember that extended family do not go through the training that foster parents do.  They are thrown cold turkey into this crazy situation.  I appreciate my family's willingness to learn and adjust because they have added an extra layer of support and love for my family and the foster kids.  When my Dad came to town for a visit he took us all out for dinner, foster kids included.  When my family went up north to visit my Mom, she took us all to the Putt Putt golf course.  This was a first time thing for the eight year old foster child I had at the time.  My mom was deeply touched by the joy this little girl showed at each new hole.  My in-laws live close by and are always available for babysitting.  This is a life saving service for a foster parent.  The memories we now have as a family are priceless for all of us.  If your extended family is nervous or doubtful about the new children in your home, be patient and reassuring.  Grandparents may enjoy a book on the subject or attend a training class with you.  Foster children need grandparents in their lives too!

Discipline Ideas

Discipline is a hot topic my household.  My husband and I have and many discussions over how to discipline our children. Now I should pause here consider if "discussion' is the proper word here.  I could easily insert the words argument, disagreement, or just endless dialog.  Maybe some couples totally agree on the proper technique for discipline but that is just not our style.  We have been married for 25 years and have managed to find some common ground (thank goodness!) but we have discovered that the kids benefit more from our differences than if we just picked one style and stuck with it.  Notice also that this topic is not limited to discipling foster children.  Whether you have foster children, adopted chilldren or biological children in your home, your style should be the same for all. 
I have learned what works for me and my family by trial and error.  My husband is very consistant and never forgets about a punishment he has handed down.  I, on the other hand, have been know to put a child on the naughty spot and forget they are there!  My teenagers know that if they are grounded for a week, there is a 50/50 chance that I won't remember the punshiment by Wednesday.  In self defense, there are six of them and only one of me.  That addes up to a lot of punishments to keep track of.  As a compromise between us, we keep the punishments simple and short.  The younger kids have to sit on the naughty spot.  I stole this concept directly from SuperNanny on television (that woman is a genius by the way).  The naughty spot in our house is the stairway leading to upstairs.  They have to sit there for about 5 minutes, then aplogize for the behavior.  It works really well beause it is short, simple and easy to enforce.  A wiggly child can have the whole stairway to feel naughty in.  I don't care if they are at the top or bottom.  The older kids loose things like a cell phone or gas money.  This eliminates the need for me to keep track of the punishment becasue a teenager won't let me forget that their cell phone has been turned off for one single minute of that long week.  For the record, I did spank my first three biological children but I am proud to say that that form of punishment is long gone in our household.  Spanking usually comes with an emotion like anger or frustration.  Discipline should not be done out of strong emotions but more as a form of teaching and redirecting behavior.  The ultimate goal of discipline should be to change or stop undesirable behavior.  I have learned that the outcome is much more important the punishment itself.  I want my kids to learn that hitting is bad and unacceptable behavior.  If they receive naughty spot time each time hitting happens, they learn not to do it.  Breaking curfew always results in loss of cell phone.  Again they learn not to come home past the appropriate time.  Punishment should always have a purpose or a goal to be effective.  It also needs to be the same each time.  My husband has convinced me that being consistant each time produces results.  Kids understand consistency.  
I think it is important to remember that nobody can make you more angry than your children.  Admit it and then forgive yourself for it.  It is a natural response to someone you love deeply, challenging your authortity or embarrassing you in public.  I have said to all of my kids at one time or another, "I am too angry to talk to you right now".  Then I make them wait until I am calm again.  This is where my husband can help.  Sometimes he is the calm one and can deal with the situation better than when I am all worked up.  Sometimes it is the other way around.  It helps me to have a known punishment in place for any future bad behavior.  I don't have to think about it, I just have to apply it.  My advice boils down to this, do your best, keep your cool, and try, try again.   Raising kids is a journey for parents as well as the kids. 

Respite Care

Recently, I was asked to be on a panel made up of foster parents at a Save Our Children Coalition (SOCC) meeting.  You can visit SOCC website at http://saveourchildrencoalition.org/ for more information about this wonderful group.  In a nut shell, the SOCC brings professionals together with interested people to gather ideas and forge ties to help them work together.   The members of the panel each described their situation and the audience asked questions.  One of the topics that the group lingered on for some time was respite care.  Respite care is a licensed foster home that essentially babysits for another.  Honestly, for a foster family, respite care is very hard to find.  When I was a foster parent, I used my mother-in-law when I had an emergency.  She was not licensed but I made sure that my social worker had given her approval for short time periods.  However, there are situations where a foster family needs babysitter for overnight care or just a several day break from the difficulties involved in caring for high needs children.  I think respite care is a very bad label for a great thing.  The word respite seems to imply that the children are so awful that the caregiver needs to escape from them!  The reality is that foster families have lives outside of their work in foster care and everyone needs a break from work once in awhile.  Some of the reasons for using respite care that came from our panel included a family wedding in another state, court appearances (for other foster children), time spent with a spouse, and of course, just taking a break.  Foster families work hard.  We open our homes, our families and our hearts to strangers.  If a foster family requests respite care, you can be sure that it is probably highly necessary.   Another area that often goes hand in hand with respite care is emergency placements.  Sometimes a social worker needs to place a child for a short time until other arrangements can be made.  For instance, this week at Hands Across the Water a newborn needed a temporary home of a few days to a week.  Sometimes a sibling group needs to be placed separately for a night or a weekend until family arrangements can be made.  The bottom line is there is significant need for licensed homes to be available for these short term situations.  Respite care or emergency placement is a great way for a family to try out foster care.  A family can experiment on a very short term basis with having a strange child in the home.  Older children can see what it is like for Mom and Dad to have another child in the house.  The benefits are many in this situation.  If you are exploring the idea of fostering, please consider respite care or emergency placement.