Adopting Outside of Birth Order

There are a large number of studies done about birth order.  Many of them focus on how placement in the family affects behavior and personality.  The first born is often labeled as a leader, while the last born is often more socially oriented.  The middle child is the negotiator or mediator of the family.  Most of these studies agree that the order of birth is a critical factor in behavior.  However, adoption and foster care tend to turn all of these studies upside down because children arrive in different ways and at different stages of life.  Family roles are redefined with each child who enters and leaves the home.  Most people who attend my training classes want to know how this will affect their family.

I will start with the negative effects because these are probably the most well known facts.  The general rule of thumb is to allow a family to grow into each developmental stage.  If a family has no children then it is recommended that they adopt an infant.  However, this assumes that the family in question has no experience with children of various ages and does not consider life experience.  The concern here is that a new parent will not know how to care for a child who is 10 or 15 years old.  Many people have occupations working with children or have an extended family with many cousins or nieces and nephews to learn from.  If you feel confident and have some experience with older children then this risk can be minimized in the long run. 

Another risk factor that should be considered is the affect on children already in the home.  A child coming from foster care will have an unknown list of behaviors resulting from a traumatic past.  This creates an immediate risk.  Questions that should be asked up front should center on a child's ability to interact with other children and any past history of sexual abuse.  Children who have been sexually abused have a higher risk of becoming an abuser themselves. Or may just act out sexually in inappropriate ways or ways that are way beyond their years.  Children adopted from other countries will have many of the same issues as foster children.  Learn as much as you can about the child before accepting placement or bringing the child home.

Plan on a child of any age having some sort of affect on the children already in the home.  This is a life changing event for all family members.  A parent should be on the lookout for signs of stress, acting out or difficulty in school in both the new child and children already in the home.  

With the negatives consequences out of the way, we can jump to the benefits of bring a child in the home of any age.   I will be honest and state that my oldest child had a great deal of difficulty with any age child I brought into the home.  He responded the best to the tiny babies that arrived and so obviously needed love.  He was 12 years old when we began fostering and I did not feel comfortable bringing in a child older than he was.  He has always been the boss and leader of his siblings and I knew that bringing in an older child would be a significant blow to his identity.  Understanding and knowing your children well is a major component of success.  Our first placement was an 8 year old girl.  She was the same age as my second son and this is called twinning.  My oldest managed to accept her into the family pretty well.  My daughter took on a mothering role right way that was pretty fun to watch because she was only 10 herself.  My twinned up son had a more complicated relationship.  He liked to play with her and did not mind sharing his toys.  However, he felt quite funny about acknowledging her at school.  He was able to share his Dad's affections pretty well, but did not enjoy sharing his mother.  Jealousy was a common issue for these two.   For the entire length of her stay, it was a complicated relationship.  

I have had more relationship success with the teenagers who have made their home my own.  The larger age gap seemed to be an easier hurdle for the younger children to accept.  My teenager placements often take on the role of caregiver for the younger children.  Through helping out with younger children, they have found peace and understanding of how a healthy family works.  My younger children have always been willing to seek out the attentions of a teenager and hopefully get them to play a game or help them grab a sandwich.  I have seen both sides benefit from the relationship.  My younger children, who are 8 and 9 years old, quickly developed an understanding of people living with us and then not living with us.  They are able to voice their likes and dislikes of an older child by saying things like, "I don't like how she bossed me around or he always played football with me."  My experience has been that a child who is a similar or close age to my current children is easier for me to parent but harder on my children.  A larger age gap seems to leave more of the family roles in place and an older child is free to create their own identity within the family.  

I am not a big advocate of not doing something because a study says that it is a bad thing to do.  Each family is different and each set of parenting skills are different.  My children have benefited greatly by the experience of fostering and adopting.  All of them (even the adopted ones) have developed a sense of compassion for children in need.  They have all become kind and considerate people who can easily see challenges in other people's lives.  I do not believe I could have taught them this value just by pointing it out or showing it on television.  My last word of advice in adopting or fostering out of birth order is to be aware that more challenges will pop up down this road as compared to staying within the birth order.  As always, keep your eyes and ears open for trouble and seek out professional help if you are struggling with this challenge.  

What is a Match Party?

One of my favorite aspects of my job at Hands Across the Water (HATW) as a foster care recruitment specialist is hosting the HATW information table at special events.  I have been to all kinds of events at many different locations (in Michigan).  I love the opportunity to speak to people about foster care and adoption.  It also has the added benefit of saving my family from hearing one more foster care related story from me.  It is truly my favorite subject and my family has learned to be prepared for a detailed answer if they are brave enough to ask a questions.  

Last weekend, I attended the Kinship Festival which is a yearly event for the Michigan Adoption Resource (MARE).  It was located on Belle Isle which I had never been to before.  I was amazed by the beauty of Belle Isle.  Here is a picture of the beautiful building we occupied for the day.

 Kinship Festival is just another name for a large match party.  Here is MARE's definition of a match party.  "Match parties are unique events that provide prospective adoptive families the chance to interact face-to-face with many of Michigan's waiting youth.  It allows them to see past the labels, diagnoses and case histories that mask the personalities of each child.  They also provide the children a chance to enjoy a fun day filled with various games and activities."  True to the definition, there were plenty of things for children to do at the Kinship Festival.  The Detroit S.W.A.T Team came to visit with their equipment and there were several large bounce houses and slides to play on.  Lunch was geared toward the children's tastes with a hot dog cart, chips and fruit. The most successful match parties are the ones that are designed for children to have fun and not be nervous about attending.

  

I find the concept of match parties to be very interesting because the idea can make a person feel a little uncomfortable.  Underneath the fun children's event is the primary focus of allowing potential adoptive families to take a look at the children available.  Honestly, it seems a little strange and may someday be in a history book in a chapter right next to orphan trains of the 1800's.  However, I recommend that we put aside the uncomfortable feeling for a moment and really take a look at what a match party is all about.

When a family chooses the path of foster care or adoption there is an interesting ride ahead.  The family must choose the characteristics, level of disability, race, age, and gender (and many more) of their future child.  This is often done on a black and white form full of check boxes.  On the MARE website are photo listings of the children available in Michigan.  Almost every state has them if you search the Internet a little bit.  With each photo is a short biography followed by a list of impairments or disabilities.  That is not to say that all children available for adoption have disabilities but the children are categorized to help a family sort through the list a bit.  Can you see how this process removes the emotional side of adoption?   A match party brings back that element that is so wonderful of seeing a child for the first time.  It brings back that tug on the heart string that has brought a family down the adoption or foster care path to begin with.  A family can only learn bits and pieces about a child from a biography on a website.  Visit the this website to view photo listings of waiting children to see an example of what I am talking about:  MARE Website  

After reading a few photo listings, I am sure you can see why seeing a child face to face is important.  Match parties are not meant to be meat markets for children.  MARE works hard to protect the children who attend.  In order to attend, you must have a completed home study and be approved by an adoption worker.  There are specific guidelines to follow when approaching a child at a match party.  Asking personal questions about a child's background or disability level are big no-no's at a match party.  A match party is a place to quietly observe or to gently interact with a child by asking non-invasive questions.  This is your chance to get to know a child in a friendly atmosphere.  

Does the concept of a match party still sound kind of odd?  Regardless, I recommend attending at least one match party as part of the adoption and foster care journey.  The experience is priceless and you may find a child who has been waiting to become part of your family forever.    

Multiple Foster Homes or Disrupted Placements

We have all heard the stories from former foster youth who grew up in the system.  Their stories often share the same common problem of growing up in multiple foster homes. More than two homes is bad in my book but there are stories of children who are moved five or more times during childhood and finally just aged out of the system.  What causes a caseworker to move a child so many times?  Who are these foster families that keep rejecting this child?  Is the foster care system so bad that it cannot find just one home for one child?  The answers to these questions are not easy to find.  It is too easy to say that the foster care system or foster family failed a child once again.  It is also too easy to say as a new foster family, "I will never send a child from my home."  

I have had a specific child on my mind for about a month now.  I was at a meeting that included several foster care agencies and one of the agencies was looking for a home for a child.  In professional lingo it is called a placement request where agencies collaborate on locating an appropriate foster home for a specific child.  This child is three and half years old and needs to be transferred from his current foster home to a new home because of behavior issues.  Further information reveals that he is part of a sibling group of four children and he needs to be separated from his siblings, again because of behavior issues.  The newest foster home will be his fourth foster home.  The foster mother side of my brain is already shouting, "For heaven's sake this child is only 3 years old, how bad can his behavior truly be!!!"  This happened quite a while ago and I do not know if a home was found for this child.  However, this child has continued to creep into my thoughts.  He has remained in my brain long enough that I discussed him with my husband.  Discussing a child with my husband is a really big deal because when I went to work in this field I promised him that I would not bring another child home.  We have five children and are very happy to say that our family is complete.  However, my husband does understand the very real risk that I may not be able to resist temptation.  Hopeless cases are the worst kind of temptation for me, but I am just built that way.  Most people are not.  

So what happened in this small child's life that brought him to this place?  Obviously, abuse and neglect by his birth family brought him into the foster care system.  But why three foster homes, with a soon to be fourth?  My innocent mental shout about this child's behavior is not a fair judgment on those previous foster homes.  Most people think of behavior problems as tantrums, hitting or something similar.  However, a child affected by trauma can bring bad behavior to new levels that are hard to imagine.  Some of the most challenging behaviors that I have seen are bed wetting every night for months, hurting a family pet, hurting or battling with another child in the home or even acting aggressively toward a foster parent.  It should also be said that rarely does this bad behavior mean one isolated incident.  It occurs frequently and corrective action seems to have no effect.  Providing a loving home for a child with these kinds of challenges will test even the most seasoned foster parents.  Can a foster family that has tried everything under the sun to help a child and had no success be blamed for giving up?  

One of the points that are taught in PRIDE classes is that the safety and health of your own family needs to come first above the needs of a foster child.  This is a hard concept to wrap the brain around until it has been experienced.  I had a foster daughter that was the same age as my biological son.  I thought "twinning" them would be no big deal.  I could not have been more wrong.  Our family spent a year trying to adjust and work out the differences with no success.  The mother in me would have adopted her in a heartbeat but it was not what was best for my son.  So I let go.  It is now 10 years later and I still carry thoughts of her in my head.  I am sure that I made the right decision for my family but at what cost to her?  The intricacies of foster care are a tangled web of choices by all parties involved.

There are some very appropriate times to request that a child be moved from a foster family.  Here is a list of possibilities.  If the foster child is physically threatening to a family member and all attempts to change the behavior have failed.  If the foster child has sexually abused another member of the household or has been behaving in an overly sexual way towards others.  If the personalities in the household are not getting along over an extended period of time.  In all of these cases, an agency will recommend counseling or other services for the child and possibly the family too.  An agency does not move a child unless the need is great enough.  A foster family can also choose to continue the placement.  I recommend that you find a support group to attend and learn as much about the child's condition as you can.  The rewards of succeeding with a very troubled child are astounding and amazing. 

Foster families are all created differently and each experience is unique.   The thought of a child with extreme behavior issues has chased many potential foster families away because of fear.  Not all foster children have extreme behaviors. I have often been surprised by a family who seemed to be tailor made to handle a particular child. I admire those who choose not to give up and I understand the heartbreak and grief of those who need to make a change.  There are no black and white rules when it comes to children in foster care.    

The foster care system is working hard to address the issue of multiple placements.  There is now collaboration between state social services and private agencies to increase the chance of finding a home that fits a child's needs.  Placing a child in a home that is good fit right from the start is an important piece of the puzzle.  In the three year old's case, the caseworker is looking for a home with no other children or pets.  Everything that is known about the child's behavior will be disclosed and services put in place to help both the foster family and the foster child.  Will all of this make for a loving home for this child?  No one knows, but we do the best that we can.  Watch for the stories from foster youth who have found their forever family, or stories about the family that never gave up on them. Those stories are out there too and keep the hope alive for foster families that hope to make a difference in a child's life. 

Here is a link to a blog that I really enjoy.  I hope you will too!  Never a Dull Moment

In the News

Because it is Friday afternoon, I do not have a lot of deep educational thoughts on foster care today. However, there is a lot happening in the news in the world of foster care.  I thought that I would share a few articles and news stories that have crossed my desk lately.  News of the foster care and adoption world can often span the range of emotion, from anger to sadness, or joy and amazement. So read at your own risk.

The biggest topic in the news right now is the large number of children arriving in Texas from Central America.  Here is a link to a general article: 

http://www.thenewamerican.com/usnews/immigration/item/18821-some-illegal-immigrant-foster-children-are-22-years-old

What is interesting to me about this one is the short news item above the immigration article that discusses the fact that there are some immigrant children who have long been placed in the Texas Foster Care System and can reach up to the age of 22!  I am glad that Texas has found homes for many of these children but I am puzzled as to how they have done it.  Here in Michigan, finding foster parents is a full time job. Obviously this problem has been growing quietly for several years down in Texas.

I really love the personal stories that former foster youth share and here is a link to one I found on Facebook:
https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/opinion/my-journey-in-foster-care-the-second-most-devastating-day-of-my-young-life/7486

Warning!  This one ends in a cliff hanger.  But what I like about this story is the many sides of foster care that it showcases.  Her story touches on loving foster parents, the importance of keeping siblings in contact and together, and her own emotions.  It is so hard to read the emotions in the minds of young children who are placed in our homes.  It causes me to wonder what thoughts would be written by the children who have left my home.  I hope more than anything that they know how much they were loved.

Of course there is always a story about the tragic death of child.  I don't mean to gloss over this with humor in anyway.  I can't help but read things like this even though I know that it will just torture me.  Every time I read about the death of foster child my mind just screams why, why why!!!  There is an Eiffel tower size pile of rules and regulations designed to keep children safe.  Yet these incidents keep happening.  I include this article to encourage anyone who has ever considered becoming a foster parent to sign up.  Michigan needs loving, intelligent, and thoughtful people to help care for all of these children.  Here is the link:

http://ksn.com/2014/07/28/foster-care-system-responds-to-foster-care-child-death/

I would like to end on a positive note because the business of helping children is a joyful one.  I really enjoy following Dr. John DeGarmo on Facebook.  He has written several books about foster parenting that focus on the basics.  I have not read all of them but I enjoyed, "The Foster Parenting Manual: A practical guide to creating a loving, safe, and stable home."  I root for anyone who is practical and down to earth in the world of foster care.  This wonderful picture is from his Facebook page at:
https://www.facebook.com/DrJohnDeGarmo


 Dr. John DeGarmo says, "What you are doing IS important! What you are doing DOES matter! Thank you for doing the little, and big, things for children in foster care. Share if you agree!"

Crossing Over to the Other Side

I really enjoy writing this blog on both a personal and a professional level.  I think one of the reasons that my blog appeals to people in foster care or thinking about foster care are the personal stories from my own family life that I include here.  I love writing about my family and my experiences but lately my well has run a little dry on personal stories.  I thought that it was because I was finally learning to keep my private life to myself, but I realized today that wasn't the reason.  My teenagers continue to provide many incidents to write about on a daily basis.  I am sure there are people out there who live quiet and uneventful lives.  I am not one of them.  I think the Kardashian's are pretty boring compared to my family, or any family involved in foster care for that matter.  The real reason is that lately, I have been focusing more on my job than my family.  As I cross the line farther and farther into social worker territory, I find that I am looking at foster care through a different lens than I used to.

As a foster parent, I had the luxury of mocking the rules.  I often rolled my eyes when presented with another crazy procedure or policy that I had to follow.  My favorite example of this is when the State of Michigan assigned a lawyer to my three month old foster son, Dylan.  The lawyer was required to visit Dylan at least once prior to each court date.  So every three months, this nice man would call me to schedule a home visit to visit with Dylan.  I would clean up like a mad woman and dress the baby in the nicest outfit I could find.  Tom would come and hold Dylan for an hour and chat with me.  My husband and I would laugh together about what a waste of state money this seemed to be.  I never went to court as a foster parent so I had no idea what the lawyer ever accomplished in Dylan's behalf.  Now that I am on the other side of tracks, I know exactly what Tom's job was and how important it really is.  Foster children are assigned a lawyer to add another voice to advocate for the child.  Dylan may not have needed his services at 3 months old but a 10 year old or a teenager can speak with the lawyer and make their personal wishes known.  The lawyer is also one more person viewing the foster home on a monthly basis to make sure the child is in a safe environment and bonding well with the foster family.  I miss rolling my eyes at rules because the reason for the rules always has a dark and sinister reason behind it.  In this case, a lawyer provides a personal voice for the child in court.  Haven't we all read stories about a foster child moving from home to home or placed with a relative that everyone thought was safe?  When someone advocates for the child in court, it adds another view point and another layer of protection for the child.  Many, many crazy rules are in place for the child's protection and that is the most important reason of all.  

There is a dark side to foster care that I was completely oblivious to as a foster parent.  Children do get moved from home to home, but there are really good reasons to do so!  The media only describes the fact that Johnny has been in five different foster homes.  They leave out the fact that Johnny may hurt other children in the home, that he may run away from his foster home, that some foster parents cannot handle his behavior challenges.  See, now I am talking like a social worker again.  I used to have one foot on either side of the line.  Now, I find myself hopping back and forth.  I get mad at my supervisor for sending me to investigate a complaint against a foster home that hits too close to home.  I get mad at the foster family for not following the rules that are there to protect them and the child, causing an investigation.  I am mad that I love this profession so much and that it requires me to judge the safety of a home and the sincerity of the family.   Here a few quick rules that drives me crazy on both sides of the line.

1.  Having a phone in the home at all times:  Many people only use cell phones now and no longer have a land line.  The agency needs to be able to reach a foster parent at all times! Why does a foster family have to pay for a land line they never use?

2.  Egress windows in the basement:  You cannot have a play area or a bedroom in the basement with no window to escape from in case of fire.  Do you really want to be the foster family in the news where the child died in a fire because there was no escape from the basement?  That really happened, by the way.  The other side of this rule is the fact that everyone uses their basement for additional space (including myself) without consideration of safety.

3.  References:  Why do I have to beg my neighbor or my coworker to vouch for me as a parent?  It is embarrassing.  Because the agency needs to make sure that you are not a crazy person (and your neighbors would know!).

I could go on and on with this list but I will save it for a part two in a future post.  I would like to add a quick plug for support groups.  I run a support group for foster parents every month and it is one of my favorite parts of my job.  I get to take all this knowledge that I have on both sides of the line and help others through the process.  However, I can honestly say that I have never attended a support group as an attendee.  I received quite an eye opening moment over this fact recently.  If you are a regular reader, then you know that I have an 18 year old son who is struggling with drug addiction.  That is a nice social worker sentence that sums up the agony of my life in less than 10 words.  I have spent hours on the phone learning about substance abuse programs and trying to find a program that will be covered by my insurance that isn't located 300 miles away.  I argue with my son and plan strategy with my husband.  It is safe to say that this issue has consumed most of my life recently.  I found a place and scheduled an appointment to get him assessed.  I extracted a promise from my son that he would go to the appointment and listen to what the counselor had to say.  Unfortunately, my son backed out and refused to go to the appointment.  I was devastated.  I called the counselor to cancel, repeating to myself that this probably happens in her line of work all the time.  She was very nice and at the end of the conversation I asked if I am doing the right thing in working so hard to get my unwilling son treatment.  In a very quiet voice, she suggested that I attend the local support group for people with family members with substance abuse problems.  I could tell the exact moment that she took off her social work hat and become just another devastated mother with a child refusing help.  I realized all over again how helpful it is to talk to others with similar experiences.  I am going to attend this group because I know that these people will have practical advice on how to navigate the system and how to survive this trauma as a parent. My eye opening thought was that I don't need to go through this alone.  There is help out there.  As a person hosting a support group, I should have remembered this fact.  Well, now I do and I am sharing it with you.  

The support group that I host is for people at any stage of fostering or adopting a child.  It is called the A-OK Parents Group and meets the second Friday of every month from 6:30 to 8:30 at Hands Across the Water.  Refreshments and child care are provided. Call the office to pre-register at 734-477-0135.   A support group is a wonderful place to listen, learn and ask questions. Come and join us!  

  

Celebrating Foster Parenting in Michigan

Hands Across the Water is celebrating National Foster Care month in a variety of ways.  I hosted the HATW information table at the BTL Wedding Expo in March.  This blog post details that event and has been shared with the Human Rights Campaign website, found here:  www.hrc.org.  Click on the "Blog" tab to see this entry on that website.  Look for road side signs from HATW promoting foster care and adoption around town.  I will also be attending an event at the Eastern Michigan Student Center called Parenting Across Race and Culture (PARC) on Saturday, May 17.  Look for more information about PARC here:  HATW on Facebook

It has been an exciting month for LGBT couples in Michigan.   For just one day, same-sex marriage was legal in this state.    Here in Washtenaw County, some of the county clerk’s staff opened the office for some lucky couples on that special Saturday.   Of course, the legal system shut things down pretty quickly and it was over as fast as it had begun.    However, all of this led to a ramped up LGBT Wedding Expo with a whopping 80 vendors to help LGBT couples spend their money on a lavish wedding.  I was there hosting the information table from Hands Across the Water (HATW) because, for many, if you’re getting married, then children are soon to follow. 

 

There was a party-like atmosphere at the show with DJ’s blasting the music and the most unique fashion show that I have ever seen.  According to organizer, Jan Stevenson, usually the fashion show just features brides.  This time around she sent couples down the runway    Every one was holding hands and taking advantage of the openness of the event to steal a kiss or two.  Many of the couples I spoke to were sure that building a family was in their future.  Others just enjoyed thinking about the possibility. 

LGBT couples have found that foster care is a wonderful route to parenthood.  It is affordable and often leads to adoption.   Foster parenting provides the opportunity to help a child who may have never known what a healthy and happy home looks and feels like.  A foster parent’s primary job is to provide a home for the child while the birth family works toward reunification of their family.  If healing the birth family is unsuccessful, the child will become available for adoption.

The state of Michigan is facing a shortage of foster parents and the laws are favorable to same sex couples.   Each potential foster family must complete the licensing process (usually that takes two to six months).    HATW provides 12 hours of free training to educate families on the background of the children and possible behavioral challenges.   Applicants need to provide documentation detailing finances, medical health, and any past involvement with law enforcement.  (Yes, this process is challenging but it is also so rewarding!)  Both partners are licensed as foster parents and share an equal responsibility for the children.

The laws in Michigan are currently set up to enable one parent in a same-sex relationship to adopt a child.  The LGBT community is hopeful that this law will change soon and allow both parents to adopt a child.   The process is free, the training is free and the benefits are many!

This May, HRC is proud to celebrate National Foster Care Month by honoring the leaders at child welfare agencies that are committed to improving outcomes for LGBTQ youth, the LGBTQ foster youth themselves, adn the foster families supporting them.  Stay tuned to HRC blog throughout the month for more foster care heroes.

Is the Foster Care/Adoption Sytem Broken?

I really enjoy writing this blog.  The biggest payback that I get is reading everyone's comments about the things that I have written.  I feel very lucky that people trust me enough to post some personal details of their lives or ask me for advice.  I monitor the comments every day to ensure that I answer as quickly as I can.  I have been writing this blog for 2 years now and for the first time there has been some negative comments posted.  I wasn't sure how I felt about that to start with because so much of my personal self is written here.  After some thought, I decided that I was glad to see my blog through a different set of eyes for a few moments.  I realized that I am a very lucky person because I have been on both sides of the system.  When I say "system," I am referring to the entire world of foster care and adoption that includes birth parents, foster parents, extended family, the State of Michigan and private agencies.  I have been a foster parent and worked with the State.  I have been an adoptive Mom and worked with birth parents.  I currently work at a private agency licensing and supporting foster parents. 

Let's talk about the system and the media.  The only information the average Joe receives about foster care is from the media.  The media only publishes stories that are the worst of the worst.  A quick example of this is the story that went viral about a foster family in Ohio that chained their foster children to their beds like dogs.  It was a horrible story and there are not enough adjectives in the dictionary for me to describe how I feel about a story like that.  Other favorite stories that appear commonly are about Grandparents fighting to get their grandchildren back from the foster care system.  Rehoming is the latest topic in the news where a family has adopted a child and then wants to get rid of the child.  They post an advertisement on an Internet site and send the child to a new home, for better or for worse.  Usually for the worst because the family has not been cleared or prepared to handle a child with challenging behaviors.  All of these news stories are true, but they do not represent the true work that the foster care system does. 

People talk about the system being broken or accuse the State of child trafficking (look for this kind of negative comment posted on my blog by a reader).  There is a common misconception that Child Protective Services (CPS) removes children from the family they were born in for the smallest of reasons.  Only to place them in a system where they are guaranteed to be abused by a malicious foster family.  Another common theme in the media (and my personal pet peeve) is that foster families are only in it for the money.  We have all heard about stories where 18 medically handicapped children are living in a small home, not receiving proper care and the foster parents are living large off of State money. 

Now, lets talk about the system that I have experienced.  I have never witnessed a foster home with more than 6 children living in it.  Some of the children I have seen placed into foster care by CPS have been malnourished from neglect. Some are emotionally and mentally traumatized from witnessing drug abuse and learn to be street smart as a result of learning how to find their own food when a birth parent too drunk to get off the couch.  I have met children who at 7 years old know how to care for a baby sibling competently because no one else in the home will.  I have barely been able to absorb the grief of grandparents who are now caring for a grandchild but grieving the death of that child's 18 month old sibling from some horrific action from their own child.  My own adopted son came into foster care because his twin sister died in her crib.  The actual cause of death is unknown but the possibilities are heart breaking.  I know for a fact that she was not fed properly because my son came to me at 3 months old weighing 8 pounds.  That is a weight a child is born at.  A child who is 3 months old should be around 13 pounds.   He was obviously malnourished the first time I held him in my arms as a foster mother.  Some one dared suggest to me that the child may have died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  Maybe that would be a possibility in a home that provided loving care but that was not the case here.    I will leave you to draw your own conclusions on that one as my opinions are probably biased.  The bottom line here is that CPS exists because parents are abusing children.  They do not remove a child from the home unless there is specific evidence that the child is in danger.  Services are provided to preserve the family and get them the help they need long before a child is removed from the home.  They system isn't perfect and sometimes a worker has to make a decision that may not seem clear.  Most workers do the best that they can with the evidence presented.

The phrase "child trafficking" implies that the system is removing children from the home to make money by selling them for adoption.  Really!! If this thought crosses your mind, please refer to the list of known child abuses listed above.  I would also like to inject a quick note here about international adoption.  Have you seen the pictures of orphanages in other countries?  There are people in my office who have seen and visited children in these orphanages.  These places are real and children need to be rescued from them.  Are there bad agencies and bad people that exploit adoption and foster care for money?  The answer is yes.  There are bad eggs in a few cartons out there.  But that doesn't mean that we shut down the entire system.  I applaud those who are working with our government to open international adoption back up and allow parents in this country to rescue children in other countries.  Children need to be protected and people in the system are doing their best to accomplish that. 

My personal opinion about the system from my perspective of within and without is that there are good people doing their best to help as many children as they can.  It is a good thing to ask questions and monitor the rules.   The lives of children are at stake in the system.  If someone is crooked or not doing their job properly, a child suffers the consequences.  Licensing rules are in place to protect the children in care and the families that foster them.  The rules also strive to help put families back together again if possible.  It is easy for the media to report on horrific stories and leave out important facts that agencies and the State are left to deal with.  The result of negative stories in the media is that people are discouraged from becoming foster families that can help the children immediately.  When I started the licensing process to become a foster family, members of my extended family were very concerned that I was opening myself up to the danger of public scrutiny.  My desire to help children helped me to push forward and ignore questions that I did not have answer too.  Some may decide that the risks are too great, and that makes me sad.

My advice is to do  some research about foster care and the agency that you want to work with.  Get to know the people who you are working with in your agency.  Seek out public reviews of the agency and don't dismiss them on the first negative review.  A good agency will stand up for the rules at the cost of their brand name, all in the interest of helping children.  Attend some trainings at the agency to explore the things they are teaching.  Training is free and will be credited by any agency that you land with.  Ask questions and if they aren't answered to your satisfaction, move on to the next one.  A foster family can choose age, race, and disability level of the children they open their home to.  Explore your family's strengths and weaknesses to figure out what you can handle and what you can't handle.   Licensing is not a test of your ability to take on the most difficult children in the world.  It is a process to find the best family for each individual child.  Foster and adoptive families rescue children one at a time by providing a healthy and safe environment where the child can grow and overcome the challenges of a traumatic past.  After the news story has past and the arguments in court have died down, it is the foster parent that kisses a child goodnight and provides a hug every day that makes the system work and saves a child's life.

I have learned that my blog is an open book and I know that people are entitled to their opinion.  However, in the interest of protecting myself from flame throwing idealists and advertising spam, I will now review each comment before I allow it to be published.  My purpose is not to eliminate negative comments but rather to promote an open discussion.  I am sure that nobody wants to hear from spam sites promoting sexual toys and will be glad that I hit the delete button before it is published.  Please don't let my review process stop you from commenting either negatively or positively on my blog.  I want us to be able to learn from each other and we can only do that if there is honesty.