Celebrating Foster Parenting in Michigan

Hands Across the Water is celebrating National Foster Care month in a variety of ways.  I hosted the HATW information table at the BTL Wedding Expo in March.  This blog post details that event and has been shared with the Human Rights Campaign website, found here:  www.hrc.org.  Click on the "Blog" tab to see this entry on that website.  Look for road side signs from HATW promoting foster care and adoption around town.  I will also be attending an event at the Eastern Michigan Student Center called Parenting Across Race and Culture (PARC) on Saturday, May 17.  Look for more information about PARC here:  HATW on Facebook

It has been an exciting month for LGBT couples in Michigan.   For just one day, same-sex marriage was legal in this state.    Here in Washtenaw County, some of the county clerk’s staff opened the office for some lucky couples on that special Saturday.   Of course, the legal system shut things down pretty quickly and it was over as fast as it had begun.    However, all of this led to a ramped up LGBT Wedding Expo with a whopping 80 vendors to help LGBT couples spend their money on a lavish wedding.  I was there hosting the information table from Hands Across the Water (HATW) because, for many, if you’re getting married, then children are soon to follow. 

 

There was a party-like atmosphere at the show with DJ’s blasting the music and the most unique fashion show that I have ever seen.  According to organizer, Jan Stevenson, usually the fashion show just features brides.  This time around she sent couples down the runway    Every one was holding hands and taking advantage of the openness of the event to steal a kiss or two.  Many of the couples I spoke to were sure that building a family was in their future.  Others just enjoyed thinking about the possibility. 

LGBT couples have found that foster care is a wonderful route to parenthood.  It is affordable and often leads to adoption.   Foster parenting provides the opportunity to help a child who may have never known what a healthy and happy home looks and feels like.  A foster parent’s primary job is to provide a home for the child while the birth family works toward reunification of their family.  If healing the birth family is unsuccessful, the child will become available for adoption.

The state of Michigan is facing a shortage of foster parents and the laws are favorable to same sex couples.   Each potential foster family must complete the licensing process (usually that takes two to six months).    HATW provides 12 hours of free training to educate families on the background of the children and possible behavioral challenges.   Applicants need to provide documentation detailing finances, medical health, and any past involvement with law enforcement.  (Yes, this process is challenging but it is also so rewarding!)  Both partners are licensed as foster parents and share an equal responsibility for the children.

The laws in Michigan are currently set up to enable one parent in a same-sex relationship to adopt a child.  The LGBT community is hopeful that this law will change soon and allow both parents to adopt a child.   The process is free, the training is free and the benefits are many!

This May, HRC is proud to celebrate National Foster Care Month by honoring the leaders at child welfare agencies that are committed to improving outcomes for LGBTQ youth, the LGBTQ foster youth themselves, adn the foster families supporting them.  Stay tuned to HRC blog throughout the month for more foster care heroes.

Is the Foster Care/Adoption Sytem Broken?

I really enjoy writing this blog.  The biggest payback that I get is reading everyone's comments about the things that I have written.  I feel very lucky that people trust me enough to post some personal details of their lives or ask me for advice.  I monitor the comments every day to ensure that I answer as quickly as I can.  I have been writing this blog for 2 years now and for the first time there has been some negative comments posted.  I wasn't sure how I felt about that to start with because so much of my personal self is written here.  After some thought, I decided that I was glad to see my blog through a different set of eyes for a few moments.  I realized that I am a very lucky person because I have been on both sides of the system.  When I say "system," I am referring to the entire world of foster care and adoption that includes birth parents, foster parents, extended family, the State of Michigan and private agencies.  I have been a foster parent and worked with the State.  I have been an adoptive Mom and worked with birth parents.  I currently work at a private agency licensing and supporting foster parents. 

Let's talk about the system and the media.  The only information the average Joe receives about foster care is from the media.  The media only publishes stories that are the worst of the worst.  A quick example of this is the story that went viral about a foster family in Ohio that chained their foster children to their beds like dogs.  It was a horrible story and there are not enough adjectives in the dictionary for me to describe how I feel about a story like that.  Other favorite stories that appear commonly are about Grandparents fighting to get their grandchildren back from the foster care system.  Rehoming is the latest topic in the news where a family has adopted a child and then wants to get rid of the child.  They post an advertisement on an Internet site and send the child to a new home, for better or for worse.  Usually for the worst because the family has not been cleared or prepared to handle a child with challenging behaviors.  All of these news stories are true, but they do not represent the true work that the foster care system does. 

People talk about the system being broken or accuse the State of child trafficking (look for this kind of negative comment posted on my blog by a reader).  There is a common misconception that Child Protective Services (CPS) removes children from the family they were born in for the smallest of reasons.  Only to place them in a system where they are guaranteed to be abused by a malicious foster family.  Another common theme in the media (and my personal pet peeve) is that foster families are only in it for the money.  We have all heard about stories where 18 medically handicapped children are living in a small home, not receiving proper care and the foster parents are living large off of State money. 

Now, lets talk about the system that I have experienced.  I have never witnessed a foster home with more than 6 children living in it.  Some of the children I have seen placed into foster care by CPS have been malnourished from neglect. Some are emotionally and mentally traumatized from witnessing drug abuse and learn to be street smart as a result of learning how to find their own food when a birth parent too drunk to get off the couch.  I have met children who at 7 years old know how to care for a baby sibling competently because no one else in the home will.  I have barely been able to absorb the grief of grandparents who are now caring for a grandchild but grieving the death of that child's 18 month old sibling from some horrific action from their own child.  My own adopted son came into foster care because his twin sister died in her crib.  The actual cause of death is unknown but the possibilities are heart breaking.  I know for a fact that she was not fed properly because my son came to me at 3 months old weighing 8 pounds.  That is a weight a child is born at.  A child who is 3 months old should be around 13 pounds.   He was obviously malnourished the first time I held him in my arms as a foster mother.  Some one dared suggest to me that the child may have died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  Maybe that would be a possibility in a home that provided loving care but that was not the case here.    I will leave you to draw your own conclusions on that one as my opinions are probably biased.  The bottom line here is that CPS exists because parents are abusing children.  They do not remove a child from the home unless there is specific evidence that the child is in danger.  Services are provided to preserve the family and get them the help they need long before a child is removed from the home.  They system isn't perfect and sometimes a worker has to make a decision that may not seem clear.  Most workers do the best that they can with the evidence presented.

The phrase "child trafficking" implies that the system is removing children from the home to make money by selling them for adoption.  Really!! If this thought crosses your mind, please refer to the list of known child abuses listed above.  I would also like to inject a quick note here about international adoption.  Have you seen the pictures of orphanages in other countries?  There are people in my office who have seen and visited children in these orphanages.  These places are real and children need to be rescued from them.  Are there bad agencies and bad people that exploit adoption and foster care for money?  The answer is yes.  There are bad eggs in a few cartons out there.  But that doesn't mean that we shut down the entire system.  I applaud those who are working with our government to open international adoption back up and allow parents in this country to rescue children in other countries.  Children need to be protected and people in the system are doing their best to accomplish that. 

My personal opinion about the system from my perspective of within and without is that there are good people doing their best to help as many children as they can.  It is a good thing to ask questions and monitor the rules.   The lives of children are at stake in the system.  If someone is crooked or not doing their job properly, a child suffers the consequences.  Licensing rules are in place to protect the children in care and the families that foster them.  The rules also strive to help put families back together again if possible.  It is easy for the media to report on horrific stories and leave out important facts that agencies and the State are left to deal with.  The result of negative stories in the media is that people are discouraged from becoming foster families that can help the children immediately.  When I started the licensing process to become a foster family, members of my extended family were very concerned that I was opening myself up to the danger of public scrutiny.  My desire to help children helped me to push forward and ignore questions that I did not have answer too.  Some may decide that the risks are too great, and that makes me sad.

My advice is to do  some research about foster care and the agency that you want to work with.  Get to know the people who you are working with in your agency.  Seek out public reviews of the agency and don't dismiss them on the first negative review.  A good agency will stand up for the rules at the cost of their brand name, all in the interest of helping children.  Attend some trainings at the agency to explore the things they are teaching.  Training is free and will be credited by any agency that you land with.  Ask questions and if they aren't answered to your satisfaction, move on to the next one.  A foster family can choose age, race, and disability level of the children they open their home to.  Explore your family's strengths and weaknesses to figure out what you can handle and what you can't handle.   Licensing is not a test of your ability to take on the most difficult children in the world.  It is a process to find the best family for each individual child.  Foster and adoptive families rescue children one at a time by providing a healthy and safe environment where the child can grow and overcome the challenges of a traumatic past.  After the news story has past and the arguments in court have died down, it is the foster parent that kisses a child goodnight and provides a hug every day that makes the system work and saves a child's life.

I have learned that my blog is an open book and I know that people are entitled to their opinion.  However, in the interest of protecting myself from flame throwing idealists and advertising spam, I will now review each comment before I allow it to be published.  My purpose is not to eliminate negative comments but rather to promote an open discussion.  I am sure that nobody wants to hear from spam sites promoting sexual toys and will be glad that I hit the delete button before it is published.  Please don't let my review process stop you from commenting either negatively or positively on my blog.  I want us to be able to learn from each other and we can only do that if there is honesty.

Who is Watching?

When a foster child enters my home, my family is immediately under the public spotlight.  Friends and family will notice right way that I have an extra child and start asking questions.  In my case, the cashier's down at Kroger always seem to know when my family has expanded and point it out to me. My family is a very public family because we are active in our community and I am standing at the corner twice a day in front of the elementary school as the crossing guard. This is good because I love my community and it is very supportive.  However, it has a down side because when people are paying attention to your family it draws criticism.  It is important to realize that when you become a foster family, everyone is now watching your family and act accordingly. 

Who is watching?

 The first and most important new party involved in your private life is your social work agency.  The child placed in your home will have a case worker assigned to him or her that will visit once a month. Their job is to communicate with the child, listen to your concerns and generally monitor your home.  This same case worker is assigned the child's birth family and will facilitate visitation and communication between the child and his/her family.  If this worker witnesses something that falls outside of the foster care rules and regulations, she will address the issue. Remember that the agency and the case worker are not out to personally attack your family.  It is their job to ensure that the child is placed in a safe and loving home.  Some of the foster care rules may seem just a little nuts but they are there for the safety of the child and to protect you too.  One of my favorite weird rules is the one that states you cannot use a garage as a bedroom area.  This may seem like this is stating the obvious, but someone, somewhere must have gotten the bright idea to put a bed in the garage and call it a bedroom.  This is wrong on so many levels!  If you want to use the square footage of your garage, do a proper remodel with a ceiling, floor, closet and windows.  The most important rule for your protection as a foster family is having a fire alarm on every floor.  This protects your own family as well as the foster child.  Fire can happen to anyone and easy to detect.  Please don't get mad when the agency asks you to spend money and add them to your home.

The second party involved in your life are the child's birth parents.  I realize that my last statement may raise all kinds of red flags in your brain and that is normal.  It is important to understand that the birth family does not just disappear or have no say in their child's care.  They can and they do have opinions about everything that you do.  As a foster family, you can choose the level of involvement that you have with your foster child's family according to your comfort level.  Even if you choose to have no contact with the family, you will still have to get permission through the caseworker to do simple things like cutting the child's hair.  Until an adoption is finalized, it is very important to remember that you are caring for someone else's child.  This fact is very hard to remember when the child is in your home 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  If the birth parent finds a suspicious mark or bruise on the child, they will contact the caseworker.  Birth parents can be very appreciative of your family caring for their child, or they may not be and report every little thing they see.

The third party now involved in your personal life, I have already mentioned, and that is the general public.  Foster families are not positively represented by the news media.  The media always jumps on the worst representation of our group and abusive foster families make great news stories.   In addition, the foster child may have behavioral issues that you are working on but look very bad when doing the grocery shopping and the child has a melt down.  Firmly removing the child from the store can easily be misconstrued as abuse by a stranger who may be overly sensitive.  For example, the best method to remove a child from a public place is to take their hand and lead them out.  A child in full blown tantrum mode is going to require physically picking them up or a firm grip on the arm to make some forward motion.  The child will resist by pulling back and you will respond by tightening the grip and pulling harder.  None of which is abuse or against the rules in foster care.  However, a stranger will only see your struggle with the child or you yanking the child's arm harder than necessary.  That well meaning stranger will have no idea how patient you truly are when the child punches you in the head to get loose or fires a well aimed kick at your shin and you calmly carry him out!

Some people will ask very inappropriate questions in front of the child and you are stuck digging for a tactful answer that will protect the child's feelings.   Some people will call the child abuse hotline to report you.  The birth parents may campaign in the case worker's ear for removal of the children from your home.  All of these possibilities are scary and frustrating for a family who just wants to help a child.  It is a very difficult thing to open your home and your heart to public criticism and your agency and your case workers know this fact well. 

Now that I have scared you away from becoming a foster family, I want to share with you some remedies to this problem and remind you that it really is the best job in the world.  The best defense against public opinion is to shield your family as much as possible.  Ignore that busybody in the grocery store because she is not worth your time.  Have an answer ready in your head for overly personal questions that discourages further comments.  For instance, "I would rather not share personal details about my child in public" can send someone in the other direction right away.  You can use some humor by saying, "Yes, this child does look different from me, but you should see the purple child I left at home!"  If someone reports your family to child protective services, try to remain calm and call your worker right away.  A good agency will advocate and support their foster families.  Your honesty about the situation a willingness to follow procedure will help you through the situation.  I believe the most wonderful thing that you can do for the public image of a foster family is to be positive, share your love of children, and be a good example.  These children need a home where they can feel loved and supported.  Where they can learn to stand up for themselves and answer proudly that their family is a foster family.  Be proud of who you are and what you are doing because there are not enough families willing to become a foster family.  Since we are in the public eye anyway, I encourage you to take the opportunity to educate others either through discussion or example.  

  

Aging Out of the Foster Care System

 In the foster care world, there has been a lot discussion about children aging out of the system. It is a topic that I have stayed away from because it is a difficult for me to wrap my mind around. Aging out is the official term used by professionals to describe a foster care child who has technically become an adult and has been turned loose in the world. Each state has different ages when the child is termed an adult. In Michigan, the laws were changed in the beginning of 2013 to continue supporting a foster child until the age of 21. This was an exciting change for human service providers because it meant that a foster family would be able to continue parenting the child into adulthood. 

My oldest son is 22 years old and is very independent. He is attending a community college certification in auto body repair. He has a part time job in his field already and has a second job on the side at an auto parts store. As you can see, cars are his passion and he is well on his way to supporting himself. I am very proud of how hard he works and how focused he is on his goals. Would he be this successful if his father and I had decided that he didn't need any further parenting on the day he turned 18? Probably not. We continue to support him financially to help him complete his degree. We co-signed on a loan so that he could buy his first car.  His Uncle is in the auto insurance business and gave him his first job. He has worked on cars for years in our garage and used his father's tools to build his love of working on cars. As a mom, I still buy him clothing when I notice that his jeans have become too raggedy for wearing out in public. I question him to make sure he is paying his monthly bills and help him make phone calls when things get challenging. This is what my parents did for me and I believe it to be just another stage of parenting. I can't imagine cutting off parental support at 18 or 21 just because the child has reached "adulthood."

About five years ago, my daughter brought home a young man she had met in high school. His name was Matt and he was very tall. My youngest kids were fascinated by his height and he enjoyed picking them up so they could touch the ceiling. He started hanging out at the house, sleeping over, and eating some food. It was not unusual for my kids to bring home other kids who they thought needed an extra hand or something to eat. Matt fell into this category. When the stray kids start eating at my house, I start asking questions. I learned that Matt was a foster child and his foster family lived and worked at the federal prison that employs many people in my home town. At another meal I learned that he thought his foster family didn't like him very much. When he started showing up at my house during the day, I found out that he liked to skip school and may not graduate on time. At this point, I began to wonder about his foster family. How come they didn't stop him from skipping school. Why was he always spending the night at my house? As graduation neared, I found out that Matt was going to be 18 years old in June and he need a place to live. More questions produced the response that when he turned 18 he was done with foster care and his foster family was going to toss him out. Before I could pursue this problem, Matt was arrested for stealing cars and found a new home in jail for at least a year. I have not heard from him since but I think about him often.

At the time, I didn't realize that what happened to Matt was a common occurrence for foster children who are aging out of the system. These are children that have never been adopted and never sent home to their birth families but have remained in the system for years. Homelessness, jail sentences and criminal behavior are common side effects of their life in the system. I became aware of the problem when I began working as a professional in the field of foster care and found that youth aging out of the system was a common topic at meetings. Things have very recently changed for young adults in the this situation. The first change was continuing foster care support until the age of 21. The second change is an amazing number of new programs designed to help kids in this situation. There are many programs providing support in financial areas, independent living schools, and attending college. Just a few of the programs that I have come across in my work are:  Our House, The Connection,  and CareHouse. There are many more out there. If you would like more information on the services I am aware of, just send me an email. The third change in the system was in permanency planning. The system now works hard to form a permanency plan for a child in the system within one year of becoming a foster child. The child will either return home to his birth family, find a home with relatives, or become available for adoption. This is the most important change that will pay off in the long run. No longer will children just remain in the system for years until they become a statistic in jail or on the street. Foster families are playing a very important role in these changes too.

When I first met Matt, I fell into the trap of judging his foster parents. I wondered why he was running loose in the community with no supervision. I realize now that they were at the end of their rope with Matt and did not know how to help him any longer. His behavior had become unbearable on the rest of the family and there weren't any programs out there to help a child like Matt. His foster family did the best that they could under the circumstances and Matt resisted any attempts to encourage him to change. Looking at my own children, I cannot imagine pushing them out the door on their 18th birthday. They are not ready to be completely independent of the family's love and support yet. Matt's story is a common one and the blame is often placed on the foster home. They are labeled as people who are only in foster care for the money or as people who don't care The real story is that Matt's foster family did care about him and did everything they could to help him. With the changes in the system, foster families are partners with the agency and the birth family to help the child receive the services needed and find a family of their own.  I am glad that there are family's in this State that are willing to open their home's to a child in need and do everything they can to help that child succeed in life. Loving foster families are truly the key to preventing another child from becoming a statistic.

Foster Care and Finances

All is well at my house. Christmas was pretty good, New Year Eve was peaceful and the kids have had three snow days in a row. That means that I don't have to do my crossing guard job in the polar freeze that is happening in Michigan right now. (Yeah me!) We had some bumpy patches during Christmas vacation but on the bizarre scale that I judge my life by nothing caused a great deal of upset. Nobody is in jail, everyone old enough has a job, and we spent some good family time together. That is all I can ask at this point. On one super positive note, my oldest son plowed the driveway everyday this week with his dump truck and his girl friend did the sidewalks. I didn't have to pick up a shovel until the end of the big snow. (Again with the yeah me!) January is usually the month where my mind focuses on the family finances because I am always digging out from the financial avalanche caused by Christmas and tax season is ahead. In my professional life, helping foster parents obtain financial assistance has become a surprising aspect of licensing.

I work with several families who are becoming licensed to be a kinship foster family. A kinship foster family occurs when a member of a family becomes the primary caregiver for another family member's children. Typically it is grandparents fostering their grandchildren, but it can be an aunt, uncle or cousin taking the children into their home.  A kinship foster family is eligible to receive foster care reimbursements from the State of Michigan as a regular foster family would. This is tremendously helpful for retired grandparents who are suddenly shouldering the financial burden that children bring when they may already be retired and out of the work force. These payments are intended to assist with food, housing, and clothing for the children and are an important part of the foster care system. Imagine having a ten year old suddenly move into your house. The child will immediately need clothing (because they rarely come with more than a few days worth of clothes) and school supplies right away. A ten year old is another mouth at the table and the grocery bill is going to go up. Add in doctor appointments and visitation with the birth parents and your gas bill has skyrocketed. A baby or a toddler is even more expensive with the necessities of diapers and formula. Finances for a foster family can get tight very quickly. Kinship families also need to go through the licensing process which can take up to six months. Once the license is official, reimbursements can begin and things get easier.  When my husband and I were exploring the idea of becoming foster parents, he was very concerned about the financial side of things. We were both willing to provide for a child who may return home but we did not have buckets of money sitting around waiting to be spent on a needy child. I was a stay at home mom and we were living on one income. An important piece of information that every foster parent needs to know is that will take up to six weeks for the flow of money from the State to get going. This information did not come up at any of the training sessions we attended and caused a lot of frustration.  Kinship families are looking at a much longer wait because of the licensing process.  This information would not have dampened my desire to become a foster parent, but it would have helped me plan better. So I am sharing it with you and underlining it so that you don't miss it.

My husband and I look at children very differently.  Once I have a child in my home and in my arms, money does not enter my head.  I think that when a child comes through our door that my husband can see dollar signs floating above the child's head.  The younger the child, the more dollar signs are there.  I am mocking my husband affectionately because his skill at budgeting enables us to share our home with children in need.  We had one little guy who was about 5 years old arrive on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend.  He was an emergency placement because he was one of five siblings and there were no homes with enough beds available to accommodate the entire sibling group.  Many foster families were full or on vacation because of the holiday.  So the social worker quickly located three homes and split the group up until other arrangements could be made. This child arrived in a very dirty state with wet shoes and no clothing.  His shoes smelled so bad that I knew they needed to be thrown away.  Usually, I like to let a child feel more at home before we tackle the challenges of bathing.  However, this child needed a bath immediately and clean clothing to wear afterwords.  Luckily, I had some clothing that was close to his size and we made due. Here is another valuable tip, always have some extra clothing around in various sizes for an emergency. Sweat pants, t-shirts and pajamas are some of the best to keep on hand.  I did not have any shoes in his size so I sent my husband down to the store to purchase some.  The little guy left our home three days later in new shoes and with several changes of clothing that he was comfortable in.  This is not an unusual scenario in the foster care world and can create quite a financial drain on foster families.

Another issue that pops up from time to time in the newspaper are families who claim to be loving foster families when they are in fact a group home and just in the business to earn money.  These are people who take in more children than they can possibly care for.  We have all read these kinds of stories with over-sized families where a child is abused or neglected and the family is accused of just taking in children for the State money.  This really does happen and both the family and the agency that allows it are at fault.  The downside is that good foster families who just want to help a child are stereotyped into this category and it discourages new families from signing up to foster.  When I am training new families, I tell them that there is no way to make money from taking in foster children if you are doing it correctly.  A child has needs and the amount the State pays is just enough to cover those needs.

If you are thinking about becoming a foster parent, I recommend that you ask questions and do some research to learn about the financial impact on your family.  Visit the Department of Human Services website in your state to find out what the daily rate is for foster families.  Ask your licensing worker about day care costs, clothing allowances, and medical care.  A good agency will also be able to refer you to local programs where you can get gently used clothes and children's furniture at low cost or free.  Foster families automatically qualify for food stamps and WIC to help with food and formula costs.  It is important that foster families use these programs to prevent financial strain on personal finances.   I will be honest and share that my husband was very uncomfortable accepting food stamps from the government.  However, at one point, we had three foster children in our home and they all needed three meals a day.  So I went down and applied for the assistance.  We both learned that food stamps enabled us to better help the children in our home.  I learned to be proud of the fact that we were a foster family helping children who had already suffered more than any child should.  I found that when more people knew what we did, that more help would often arrive unasked for.  Many people donated clothing, some provided scholarships for extra curricular activities, and some babysat for us.  I did not go around wearing a sign and begging for help.  I just was just honest about the children in our home and the word spread through the community.

I want other families to be able to welcome a foster child into their home and not have to worry about the financial strain .  I hope by sharing my knowledge that I can make another family's foster care journey a little easier.  

Nobody is Perfect

I have been learning to juggle lately is ways that I never have before.   As a mom to five children and a few extra, juggling is second nature to me.  I thought that I had the process down to a science.  I know how to mix volunteering at school, working at my church, managing family events and how to handle Christmas.  It hasn't always been pretty but I have think I have managed pretty well.  However, today all my balls in the air came tumbling down and hit me in the head.  I really should have seen it coming because I know that I have been stretching my skills to their limit lately.  The big change for me has been in my career.  In November, I started working at the office instead of working out my home and increased my hours.  I thought it was going to be no big deal.  After all, I was already doing the "job" from my home.   I warned my husband that it was going to take me about a month to manage this new change in my life and I apologized ahead of time for the grumpiness that I knew he was going to live with for awhile.  He is a good guy and is up for the challenge.   Up until today, the worst casualty was Christmas shopping.  I am going to shamefully admit that I started my shopping on December 17, a measly 8 days before Christmas.  With 20 people to buy for in 8 days it is safe to say that my stress level has been on the rise for the last week or so.  So before I share the perfect storm of events that hit me today, I want to share some of the thoughts that have been cooking in my brain lately.

                So yesterday, I dragged my husband to the store and began the Christmas shopping because I knew that I really could not put it off any longer.  After spending way too much money, I put the kids to bed and collapsed on the couch to watch on of my favorite shows, The Little Couple.  The Learning Channel is showing reruns of the episodes where this couple is adopting a child from China and I am really enjoying their story.  This couple is adopting a special needs child who is little, just like themselves, and every where they went in China there are crowds of people staring at them in the background.  The thought flashed through my head that just because they have experience with this child's upcoming physical challenges, does not mean this will be an easy road to travel.     That is thought number one.

                The second thought came from my 8 year old son.  He was fighting with his brother and called him a stupid head.  This is pretty normal stuff for my house and I used one of my standard lines on him.  I said, "He is your brother with the same blood and the same brain, if you call him stupid, you are just calling yourself stupid too."  This usually works and the name calling stops.  However, he looked right at me and said, "No it doesn't.  I am adopted and I have different blood."  I did not know what to say to that one so I just turned and walked away!  I mentioned to my husband that Nathan seems to becoming more aware of his adoption roots and we should probably pay a little attention to that subject with him.  I didn't give this another thought until this morning when the ball were bouncing off my head.

                The third thought was courtesy of my teenage son with the substance abuse issues.  I am sure you remember him.  He came home last night in such a drugged stupor that he couldn't put two words together or walk in a straight line.  Upon witnessing this behavior, several panic buttons went off.  He drove home like this (holy cow!!!!!!!!!).  Is he going to fall asleep and not wake up??!!!!!!!!!!  Here is new one that was planted in my brain by his counselor this week, is he having suicidal thoughts that he might act on?  Needless to say, I did not get a lot of sleep that night and my thoughts went a little crazy.  The third thought was a doozy and went something like this.  I am tired and frustrated with this child and I don't know what to do anymore.  I wished I could ship him back to where he came from.  Unfortunately, Jason is my biological child and return postage on him is impossible.  I didn't really mean it anyway but combined with my thoughts above, I hit a nerve within myself. 

                At Nathan's adoption ceremony in the judges chamber, I remember the judge asking me and my husband if we would care for this child in sickness and health and support him financially for the rest of his life.  It was almost the same language as traditional wedding ceremony and it was very touching to me.   It was that moment when a new parent realizes that they are completely responsible for this small person.  It happened to me with my firstborn son too when I realized that the nurse wasn't coming back to change his diaper.  That was my job and he was my responsibility.  Whether a parent is having this epiphany in the judge's chambers or in the hospital with a newborn, the feeling is the same.  I am signing up for all the wonderfulness of raising a child and all the awfulness of raising a child.  I am committed to loving this child when he plugs in an iron and melts a perfect triangle into the living room carpet.  I am committed to receiving every last hug that he will give me until he grows up and gets embarrassed hugging his mother.  I am committed to paying his bail and fishing him out of jail if he is picked up by the police.  I am committed to watching  him marry the girl of his choice someday.    I am promising to take the good with the bad, no matter what method my child arrived by.   

                This morning I was dashing around making multiple lunches and packing backpacks when I realized that the stuffing mix I had bought to send to school for a holiday party had been opened and half eaten the day before by an annoying teenager.  I realized that another annoying  teenager had parked his car behind mine and his car keys are nowhere to be found.  Jason is still laying on the couch in a drugged stupor and another child just  missed the bus.  I knew at that point that I was going to be late for my crossing guard job and I would have to be late for my office job to drop off the child who missed the bus.  Sitting in line at the school a half an hour later, I realized that if that judge had told me about a morning like this, I would never have believed him, but I would have still signed my name on that paper.  There are no guarantees that the child who arrives in your arms will be perfect or that no bad thing will happen in the future.  Parenting is the most amazing, rewarding, craziest and dirty job that I can think of in life.  Potential foster and adoptive parents have the added burden of choosing this occupation on purpose.  Some birth parents do too but not all of them.  Is the choice too scary?  Sometimes it is and people choose not be parents.  I think that foster and adoptive parents have to be more fearless than others because often a child's flaws are laid out in black and white on paper as the parent decides if this child is a good match.  It is an almost incomprehensible choice to me.  If the nurse had handed me a piece of paper listing the troubles that Jason would experience in his life, I may have run in the other direction!  My advice to parents who are thinking about fostering or adopting a child is to remember that the snapshot that you see of my difficult son is just how the picture looks today.  He has so much potential as a human being that I cannot give up on him.  The positive things in his future are worth the fight.  Jason wants to be a chef.  I can picture him with children and a wife.  He will make an amazing husband and father some day.  Nathan may want to find his birth parents someday and I am prepared to help him do that.  They are a part of who he is.  Parenthood is a journey with towering highs and unbearable lows.  I am not a perfect parent and my kids are not perfect kids, but together we are a family.  I recommend the journey of parenthood to anyone who is brave enough to try.  Tomorrow morning I am going to have an umbrella handy just in case my juggling fails again.  

                

Home Inspection for a Foster Care License

Before I launch into my monthly thoughts about foster care and the latest topic of home inspections, I want to share a quick update on my son Jason.  I am happy to report that he is doing very well.   He has been meeting with his probation officer as required and has made progress on arranging community service for himself.   The best part of probation requirements for me are the monthly drug tests.   He is required to be tested each time he visits with his probation officer.  This removes the responsibility from my shoulders and also assures me that he is drug free.   At least for now.  To his credit, he is proud of his clean drug tests.  For other parents navigating the world of probation, the probation office does not report on his progress to me unless I call and ask.  This fact makes me a little crazy as a mother because my son is still a minor.  Apparently the age of 17 is a shady zone where teachers still report on his progress and he can drive a car but he can be arrested and jailed without the knowledge of his parents.  This really bugs me because he is either a minor or he isn't and I want to know what is going on at all times!  I am truly happy with his progress but I also have not let go of my doubts about his future.  He has been through probation as a juvenile offender and did well then too.  It did not stop him from using drugs after probation was finished back then and I am worried that he will go right back to old habits as he did before.  I have set up some counseling for him and I am hoping that it will make a difference in the long run.  One of the hardest lessons that I have learned from parenting teenagers is that they progress in baby steps and often take a few steps back before moving forward.  I am just going to remain in a holding pattern for awhile and enjoy my drug free son for now.

 

This week's topic is about home inspections that are done by a worker as part of the licensing process to become a foster parent.  I remember when mine was done because it was very stressful.   I remember cleaning the house from top to bottom, including the closets.  At that time, I had three children between the ages of 10 and 6 years old and 2 dogs.  Keeping a clean house with that many children and animals was a significant challenge.  When I say "clean house" I am not just talking about picked up rooms and a clean kitchen with no dirty pans in the sink.  I am referring to the kind of clean that only happens when I am selling my house.   This includes, no clutter, shiny floors, no stains on the carpet and neat closets.  I will freely admit that this level of clean in my house does not happen on a daily basis.  It was very stressful for me and I know it is stressful for others as well.

The home visit is usually done right at the beginning of the process.  It is an opportunity for the social worker to get to know the family and get some paperwork done at the same time.  I will call and schedule about a 2 hour visit to complete the entire inspection.  I am always careful to let the family know that I will want to see the entire home and take some measurements.  I also will want to measure the temperature of the water to ensure that the water heater is set appropriately.  I believe in giving fair warning to give the family time to prepare but some workers may not.  I recommend that a new foster family ask what each visit will involve so that there are no surprises.

In Michigan (rules may vary by state) all potential foster families receive a rule book called, "Licensing Rules For Foster Family Homes and Foster Family Group Homes for Children."  This book contains a complete list of all rules and regulations that a foster home must meet before the licensing process is complete.  It is green if you want to pick it out quickly from the stack of paperwork you probably already have.  The four page check list carried by the social worker is entirely based upon these rules.   And now we have reached the place where the social worker in me crashes head first into the foster parent I used to be.   The foster parent me can't believe that some of these rules actually had to be written down, while the social worker  in me is worried that someone may actually break these rules and harm a child.  Most of these rules are common sense issues.  The home has to be up to building code standards to be a foster home.  You will need hot and cold running water and a reliable sewer system to be a foster family.  Believe it or not, some people don't always have these things.  Smoke detectors and a carbon monoxide detector are also required.  These things make perfect sense to me.  What doesn't make sense is the list of places that do not qualify as a bedroom.  The list includes:  the hallway, a closet, a stairway (on top of or under like Harry Potter!) a garage, or a shed.  Who would use a shed as a bedroom in this world?  Apparently someone did because now there is a rule in the rule book for it. 

What is the social worker really looking for during the home inspection?  We are looking for a safe and healthy environment for a child.  I know that my families are going to clean and stress over the visit but they do not need to go overboard to scrub and organize every inch.   I do not need to look in your closets (unless there is suspicious smell coming from there) and I will not disqualify you for spider webs in the corner or the stain on the carpet that is permanent.  You made need to finish up the bathroom that you have been remodeling for a long time or complete the half finished deck outside.   A worker will make these recommendations as part of the home tour to help you understand the rules and not to pass judgment on your personal living space.  Licensing workers have seen been to a lot of homes as part of their jobs.  It is safe to say that we have seen some crazy things.  The odds are good that your home is not going to stand out as one of the crazy ones if you truly care about helping a child.  The reality of foster care is that your home will become an open book as part of the process.  Licensing workers are only the start of the parade of people who will visit your home.  A case worker will come once a month, the child's lawyer will visit before each court date and many service providers will use your home as a meeting place.  Don't let this scare you away from the process.  Social workers and lawyers have homes with flaws too.  My most embarrassing moment happened when my foster son's lawyer came for a visit.  I picked up and ran the vacuum to make my family room presentable for company and went to answer the door.  By the time I had answered the door and he had removed his shoes, my dog had thrown up on the carpet, right in front of the chair that I would have put him in!  He was a good sport as I quickly cleaned it up and moved him into the kitchen, that I had not prepared for company.   Thank goodness he didn't mind when I had to move the breakfast dishes from the table that I had left in order to clean up the family room for him and he even held the baby through the entire incident. I didn't die of embarrassment as I thought that I might but I did learn to prepare both the family room and the kitchen for a visit, just in case!

I know that there are people out there who always have a neat and clean home that is ready for company at a moment's notice.  My mother is proudly one of those people and I admire her for it.  I proudly admit that I am not one of those people (and my mother knows this about me too!).    I have too many children and pets to even dream of staying ahead of the mess created by day to day living.  However, my home is a safe, mostly clean, loving environment to raise children in and that is what a child coming into foster care really needs.   So try and let go of some of that stress that is rolling around inside you at the thought of a stranger looking at your home.  As I have said before, there are not enough foster parents in the State of Michigan to take care of all the children in need of homes.  You do not have to be perfect or have the perfect home to be a foster parent.   We will accept you as you are!