Home Inspection for a Foster Care License

Before I launch into my monthly thoughts about foster care and the latest topic of home inspections, I want to share a quick update on my son Jason.  I am happy to report that he is doing very well.   He has been meeting with his probation officer as required and has made progress on arranging community service for himself.   The best part of probation requirements for me are the monthly drug tests.   He is required to be tested each time he visits with his probation officer.  This removes the responsibility from my shoulders and also assures me that he is drug free.   At least for now.  To his credit, he is proud of his clean drug tests.  For other parents navigating the world of probation, the probation office does not report on his progress to me unless I call and ask.  This fact makes me a little crazy as a mother because my son is still a minor.  Apparently the age of 17 is a shady zone where teachers still report on his progress and he can drive a car but he can be arrested and jailed without the knowledge of his parents.  This really bugs me because he is either a minor or he isn't and I want to know what is going on at all times!  I am truly happy with his progress but I also have not let go of my doubts about his future.  He has been through probation as a juvenile offender and did well then too.  It did not stop him from using drugs after probation was finished back then and I am worried that he will go right back to old habits as he did before.  I have set up some counseling for him and I am hoping that it will make a difference in the long run.  One of the hardest lessons that I have learned from parenting teenagers is that they progress in baby steps and often take a few steps back before moving forward.  I am just going to remain in a holding pattern for awhile and enjoy my drug free son for now.

 

This week's topic is about home inspections that are done by a worker as part of the licensing process to become a foster parent.  I remember when mine was done because it was very stressful.   I remember cleaning the house from top to bottom, including the closets.  At that time, I had three children between the ages of 10 and 6 years old and 2 dogs.  Keeping a clean house with that many children and animals was a significant challenge.  When I say "clean house" I am not just talking about picked up rooms and a clean kitchen with no dirty pans in the sink.  I am referring to the kind of clean that only happens when I am selling my house.   This includes, no clutter, shiny floors, no stains on the carpet and neat closets.  I will freely admit that this level of clean in my house does not happen on a daily basis.  It was very stressful for me and I know it is stressful for others as well.

The home visit is usually done right at the beginning of the process.  It is an opportunity for the social worker to get to know the family and get some paperwork done at the same time.  I will call and schedule about a 2 hour visit to complete the entire inspection.  I am always careful to let the family know that I will want to see the entire home and take some measurements.  I also will want to measure the temperature of the water to ensure that the water heater is set appropriately.  I believe in giving fair warning to give the family time to prepare but some workers may not.  I recommend that a new foster family ask what each visit will involve so that there are no surprises.

In Michigan (rules may vary by state) all potential foster families receive a rule book called, "Licensing Rules For Foster Family Homes and Foster Family Group Homes for Children."  This book contains a complete list of all rules and regulations that a foster home must meet before the licensing process is complete.  It is green if you want to pick it out quickly from the stack of paperwork you probably already have.  The four page check list carried by the social worker is entirely based upon these rules.   And now we have reached the place where the social worker in me crashes head first into the foster parent I used to be.   The foster parent me can't believe that some of these rules actually had to be written down, while the social worker  in me is worried that someone may actually break these rules and harm a child.  Most of these rules are common sense issues.  The home has to be up to building code standards to be a foster home.  You will need hot and cold running water and a reliable sewer system to be a foster family.  Believe it or not, some people don't always have these things.  Smoke detectors and a carbon monoxide detector are also required.  These things make perfect sense to me.  What doesn't make sense is the list of places that do not qualify as a bedroom.  The list includes:  the hallway, a closet, a stairway (on top of or under like Harry Potter!) a garage, or a shed.  Who would use a shed as a bedroom in this world?  Apparently someone did because now there is a rule in the rule book for it. 

What is the social worker really looking for during the home inspection?  We are looking for a safe and healthy environment for a child.  I know that my families are going to clean and stress over the visit but they do not need to go overboard to scrub and organize every inch.   I do not need to look in your closets (unless there is suspicious smell coming from there) and I will not disqualify you for spider webs in the corner or the stain on the carpet that is permanent.  You made need to finish up the bathroom that you have been remodeling for a long time or complete the half finished deck outside.   A worker will make these recommendations as part of the home tour to help you understand the rules and not to pass judgment on your personal living space.  Licensing workers have seen been to a lot of homes as part of their jobs.  It is safe to say that we have seen some crazy things.  The odds are good that your home is not going to stand out as one of the crazy ones if you truly care about helping a child.  The reality of foster care is that your home will become an open book as part of the process.  Licensing workers are only the start of the parade of people who will visit your home.  A case worker will come once a month, the child's lawyer will visit before each court date and many service providers will use your home as a meeting place.  Don't let this scare you away from the process.  Social workers and lawyers have homes with flaws too.  My most embarrassing moment happened when my foster son's lawyer came for a visit.  I picked up and ran the vacuum to make my family room presentable for company and went to answer the door.  By the time I had answered the door and he had removed his shoes, my dog had thrown up on the carpet, right in front of the chair that I would have put him in!  He was a good sport as I quickly cleaned it up and moved him into the kitchen, that I had not prepared for company.   Thank goodness he didn't mind when I had to move the breakfast dishes from the table that I had left in order to clean up the family room for him and he even held the baby through the entire incident. I didn't die of embarrassment as I thought that I might but I did learn to prepare both the family room and the kitchen for a visit, just in case!

I know that there are people out there who always have a neat and clean home that is ready for company at a moment's notice.  My mother is proudly one of those people and I admire her for it.  I proudly admit that I am not one of those people (and my mother knows this about me too!).    I have too many children and pets to even dream of staying ahead of the mess created by day to day living.  However, my home is a safe, mostly clean, loving environment to raise children in and that is what a child coming into foster care really needs.   So try and let go of some of that stress that is rolling around inside you at the thought of a stranger looking at your home.  As I have said before, there are not enough foster parents in the State of Michigan to take care of all the children in need of homes.  You do not have to be perfect or have the perfect home to be a foster parent.   We will accept you as you are!

Honesty Comes with a Price Tag

My readers often leave comments that show their appreciation for my honesty.  I love those comment because they encourage me to continue writing and it is a great feeling to know that I can help others with this crazy life of mine.  However, I often sit in front of my computer and wonder how I am going to share my latest thoughts without sharing more than I really intend to.  For instance, I am pretty sure that most of my co-workers, personal friends, and my church family are regular readers.   As I was writing my last post, Motherhood is Complicated, I really thought hard about writing about my son and his current challenges.  Did I really want to announce  that my child had been arrested and I was in agony over his choices to everyone?    Not really!  I chose to be more subtle than a direct statement by the time the post was complete.  However, I have had a change of heart since I wrote that last post.   One of the perks of reading the blog of a stranger is getting to peek in someone else's window.   For me as a reader, it is about connecting with someone who may be going through the same things that I am and learning from their experiences.   So I have decided that as a writer I would like to be as honest as I can be to help others who want to become foster parents.

So now I am going to serve up some real honesty about my son and his situation even if it gets a little embarrassing to do so.   Jason is 17 years old and a very friendly guy.  He loves people and he has many friends.  His teacher's love having him in class, even though he is an under achieving student (that translates to borderline failing sometimes).  He gives me a hug everyday just because he wants too.  For this mother, he has been a joy to raise until he became a teenager.  Jason's biggest flaw is that he bows to peer pressure far too easily.   I believe following his friends into the world of cigarettes, then marijuana, and now maybe some prescription pills was his downfall.  I am not saying that Jason is not at fault for the decisions that he has made but I do believe that it started because he just didn't say no.  It can be very humiliating to share the details of Jason's struggle because I spend plenty of time wondering what I did wrong and judging myself as a parent.  I am just too raw and wounded to take words about the situation from anyone else.  As a parent, I am always working on Jason's problems.  He has many problems in school and it is an on-going project to keep him in high school with passing grades.  This year he started his senior year at the third high school of his academic career.  I am sure I will post in the future about helping a troubled child to become a success in school.   Right now I am helping him navigate probation and community service as a consequence of his arrest.  Counseling and substance abuse help are also rotating through his life.   I have reluctantly acquired a great deal of knowledge about how to help a troubled teenager. 

I am sharing Jason's story with my readers because life is not perfect and sometimes the life of foster parent becomes much more difficult that ever imagined.   In fact, many of my clients start out with stars in their eyes hoping to bring home their perfect forever child.  Yes, that does happen but that perfect child brings their own personality and past trauma with them.  Good social workers are open and honest about each child entering a new family.   However, the reality of foster care is that social workers often do not have much information before the child is placed.  I had a child placed in my home for two weeks before I found out that I was calling this beautiful baby by the wrong name!  The birth parents had used a fake name when dealing with child protective services.  Thankfully, the child doesn't remember that little mix up!  Regardless of where the child came from there are unknown challenges ahead in the journey of parenting.  Jason happens to be my biological child but I have faced challenging behavior from my foster children too.  I know that he grew up in a loving environment and was taught about the dangers of drug use because I was there!  If there is a perfect child out there, I have yet to find him or her.  Adoptive and foster parents should realize that there will be challenges ahead and they should be fully committed to work through the issues.   Putting the child back on a plane to Russia or selling the child to someone else are not available options to those of us who are not insane.  I confess to some serious self pity and a full day (or two) of wondering why this would happen in my family but I forced myself to get over that quickly and buckle in to figure out what to do next. 

Being a foster mom has taught me that there is always a solution to a situation.  I am not sure what it is but I work hard to find it.  Start with your agency resources.  Call your case worker.  Go to support group where you can talk freely about what is going on in your home.  Other foster moms often have ideas to share.  These woman are miracle workers when it comes to bed wetting, hoarding and public tantrums.  In Jason's case, I received very valuable advice from an unexpected source.  Jason was required to go to court and refused to allow me to get him a lawyer.  I was scared to death he was going to be tossed straight into jail.  The prosecuter (of all people!) called us into his office before Jason was to see the judge and walked us through the process.  He advised me to participate in probation meetings and to not be afraid to call and request a drug test if I felt it was necessary.  I felt like I had some power again and some tools to use to help my son and it lifted a portion of the burden off of my shoulders. 

 

I have found that the price of honesty is worth paying because other people are willing to lend a hand or a good piece of advice and share the burden.  The youth leader at my church is willing to encourage Jason to come to youth night again.   My best friend is willing to listen to my woes at lunch and lend a shoulder to cry on.   Once the probation officer knew that Jason's parents wanted to be a part of the process, her entire attitude changed.  Yes, I am embarrassed, okay mortified is a better word.  But if I were to keep this burden all to myself, I would not have found these wonderful people who are so willing to lend a hand. The best reward of all is that I have found some hope again and the strength to keep fighting my way through this challenge.   I will keep all of you posted and hope that I have some better news to share about Jason in my next post. 

Motherhood is Complicated

I have been pondering motherhood a lot lately.  The cause for all of this pondering is, of course, my children.   My 17 year old has made some very poor choices lately and as a mother, I am taking that very personally.   It causes me to question how good a mother I truly am.  That sentence sounds even more horrible when I read it again.  Why would a mother of five and foster mother to six  question how good she is at being a mother?   Because that is what mother's do!!!!!!  At least all of the mother's that I know do. 

My relationship with my own mother has been complicated over the years.  I have always loved my mother but it has been a rocky relationship.  I couldn't stand her during my teenage years and I will shamefully admit to a low point in my 20's when I didn't speak to her for two years.  When she became Grandma to my children, I realized how much I needed her presence in my life.  Now that I am in my forties we have finally found a wonderful friendship.  Understanding my relationship with my mother is important because she taught me how to be a mother.

 Many people who are thinking about foster care, wonder what kind  of mother they will be.  I recommend taking a good honest look at your  own mother.  Chances are high that your style will be similar.  There is a certain amount  of fear (or maybe fearlessness!) involved in becoming a foster mother.   Fear of the unknown is a big factor.  Will the child have uncontrollable behavior issues?  Will I have to let go of a child?  Can I love a stranger's child?  Will the child like me?  There is fear deeply rooted in these questions because the answers can only be found in the experience.  I use the word fearlessness because becoming a foster parents means setting aside inner fears and learning as you go. 

I have a dear friend with children in the same age range as mine.  We often get together for lunch to swap stories, complain, and support each other.    She has been a true friend and great support for me when life is overwhelming.  I think she is a wonderful mother, actually a better mother than I am in many respects.  She thinks that is the silliest thing she has ever heard.  What we both agree on is that it is very difficult to see yourself realistically or objectively when deeply involved in the emotional ups and downs of raising children.  Maybe I will see myself in a crystal clear way when I am a retired empty nester.   In the meantime, I give myself permission to question my ability and cry over my son's difficulties whenever necessary. 

Why does all this matter?  Well, I had an epiphany on Monday about motherhood.  When I was young, all I wanted to be was a mother.   Not just any normal mother.  I wanted to be the perfect mother and do it so much better than my mother did (youth is so full of pride!).   Fast forward 20 years and 11 children later and I have a son who is making bed decisions.  I spent a morning wondering what I had done wrong.  The answer I came to accept by late afternoon is that I have done my best.   I have loved and supported my children to the best of my ability.  My son is 17 years old and had gone and made bad choices all on his own.  I can no longer control his destiny even though all I want to do is fix things and make it all better.  My mother did her best too.  Children grow up and start making decisions for themselves and even mother of the year can't change that fact. 

Foster children need mothers who are willing to do their best to provide love and support.  They don't need a perfect mother.  They just need someone who cares.  There were many things about my foster children's lives that I could not change that broke my heart.  I could not take away the pain of their past, but I learned that I can love them towards their future.  That is what I can continue to do for my son  as he works to dig himself out of the hole he has made in his own life.  I don't need to be a perfect mother, I just need to keep trying and do the best that I can.

Learn More About Foster Care

The Washtenaw Coalition for Foster children is hosting a 5K run/walk to raise awareness about foster care.  To find out more information about this run visit:  fosterhope5k.com.

The Washtenaw Coalition is an interesting group.  It is made up of public and private adoption/foster care agencies in Southern Michigan, including Hands Across the Water.  The Department of Human Services in Washtenaw County (DHS) is the creator of this group and plays an active roll in coordinating our efforts.  In the business world, the agencies and DHS would be rivals.  But in the non-profit world, we work together to raise awareness of the great need for foster families.  We also work together in placing children.  When a child needs a home, the call (or email) will go out to all agencies with a description of the child that includes any special needs.  Each agency will look at the foster homes they have available.  Many factors will determine the "best" home for the child. Sometimes a child needs to stay within a certain geographic area for school or family purposes. The child may have medical needs that require special attention.  Only a limited number of foster homes will take sibling groups, making these children difficult to place too.

I often get questions about how the placement process works and I am glad to share the details. After my family completed the licensing process, I wondered if there was a list and wanted to know how long my wait would be.  Well, there is a list but placements do not happen in chronolgical order like I had imagined.  It is also not like competing for a job.  Beefing up your resume in the hopes of getting a faster placement does not apply in this case either.  I was called about the placement of a 3 month old baby because I was a stay at home mom and the little guy had some minor health issues that needed monitoring.  I received another placement because I was the only foster family available within the child's school district.  

I have also had people ask me what happens to their name on the list if a placement is turned down.  Some people may imagine that the agency will put a black mark by their name or send their name to the bottom of the list.  Neither of these thoughts are true.  It is okay to turn down a placement if the situation does not fit your family.  The agency wants the best placement possible to ensure a successful situation.  I would encourage you to have an open mind about a placement call because your family may receive calls about children who are a little outside of your specifications sometimes.  The little girl I said yes to because of her school district was 2 years older than my requested age perimeters.  I was willing to try to parent this girl to help her stay at her school and it worked out wonderfully.  She was with my family for 10 months and then returned home to her birth family.  I enjoy working in an environment where everyone works together to find the best home for a child.

I wandered off of my topic there for a bit, so I would like to return to the 5K run again.  The Coalition's purpose is to raise awareness about the great need for foster parents in Michigan.  If you are interested in learning more about becoming a foster parent, the 5k run is a great place to find out more information.  Each agency will have an information table and will be available to answer any questions you may have.  Hands Across the Water will be there too. Come and help us spread the word!

Sex-trafficking Sting Highlights Vulnerability of Foster Children

This article bothers me on so many levels that I have to say something about it!  Here is the link to read it:

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-child-sex-20130730,0,1571781.story

The statistic at the end of the article is more disturbing than anything else.  Here is the quote, "Half of sexually trafficked minors in California come from the foster care system. By comparison, fewer than 1% of all children in California are foster children."  Half of them!!!!!  

I know what the answer to this problem is.  It is very simple and very basic.  The system needs a lot more caring foster families.  A foster family who cares about a lost child provides structure, expectations, and love.  They are able to show a child what a real family is like.  These children come from tragic circumstances and often the basics of a normal family life can be life changing.  What are the basics?  It starts with 3 meals everyday.  Most children entering foster care have never had that.  Next is a parent that cares about the child and shows it each day by providing affection or a listening ear.  Basic rules of a household such as, going to school everyday, getting along with others in the household, and no stealing.  Building bonds of trust and love are the building blocks of a child learning right from wrong.  I have seen this magic work many times.  

Where do children go if there are no foster homes available?  Case workers and licensing workers are amazing people.  They work hard to find a home for a child by searching out relatives (good and bad), calling and begging current foster families to take just one more child or finding a residential treatment center.    The Department of Human Services connects with private agencies and the spreads the word when a child needs a home.  More foster homes in every single state would mean that children would be cared for in the best situation possible and not as they currently are with overworked case workers and overloaded foster homes. 

One family could make the difference for one child.    If you are thinking about fostering a child, I urge you to do more than just thing about it.   The work that foster parents do is nothing short of a miracle.  I hope you will consider saving a child from the kind of tragic circumstances described in this article.  All it takes is love.

Preparing for the First Placement

So you have spent hours in training class and had several visits with your licensing worker.  You have bared all the personal details you can possibly imagine in the name of completing a home study.  You have passed all the tests and now the waiting game begins.  The waiting period is always the worst time for me emotionally as each day goes by and I managed to dream up a thousand worst case scenarios.

How long is the wait going to be for that phone call?  The answer to this question depends upon what age and type of child you are waiting for.  In Michigan, there are not enough foster families to serve all of the children in need of a home.  If you are willing to provide a home to a child between the ages of 12-21, you will receive a call within 24 hours of completing your license. I am really not kidding about that!  This age group represents the area of greatest need in Michigan.  If you are willing to provide a home to a child between the ages of 5-12, I am pretty sure your phone will ring within 30 days (sooner if you will take sibling groups).  If you are signed up for the 0-5 year old age range, you may be waiting for awhile.  Michigan has many families waiting to help a young child within this age range and the wait will depend on your counties needs.  Again, the wait will be shorter if you are willing to take a sibling group.  Please keep in mind that the times and ages are not an official statistic.  This is based upon my own personal experience as a foster mom and as a licensing worker in Michigan.  I have fostered a wide range of children in my home and I have found that after the first placement, the calls come pretty regularly after the first one.

How should I prepare the bedroom and for clothing?  After the licensing process, you should have bedroom furniture and a place for clothing already taken care of.  It is impossible to buy clothes in advance because of the wide age range of possibilities and gender.  I like to have a some loose pajama's and sweat pants that may just do in a pinch.  What is more important is to have helper on call to run to the store just in case.  My husband always served this function but I have also used grandparents and close friends.  Remember that some children arrive with clothing and some with none at all.  One of my baby placements came with diaper bag that had a too small t-shirt , 1 diaper and the clothes he had on.  He had not had a bottle in hours because of the transition from his home, to the agency, and then to me.  My husband ran to the closest store for formula and some bottles while I tried to keep the little guy calm.

I had another child arrive in clothes that were filthy and damp.  He was 6 years old and very embarrassed that I wanted him to take a bath as soon as he arrived.  The pajama's I had on hand worked while my husband made another run to the store. 

Can I set up daycare ahead of time?  Most of us are working parents, including foster parents and day care is important.  I made some calls to the daycare centers near my home to see if they are properly licensed and able to accept a foster child.  Some centers are very willing and able to do this.  Others are not.  Your agency may have a list available of day care centers that are foster child friendly.  It is very valuable to have a neighbor, family member, or friend who can provide temporary care until you get things set up.  In my case, my mother in law is retired and was always willing to lend me a hand.  Keep in mind that the transition to your home is a difficult one for the child.  Everything that is familiar has been replaced with something new.  You may want to take some time off of work to ease the transition process.  I have found that 2-3 days is a pretty good guess.

What about school?  If you are preparing to foster a school age child, it is helpful to know the location and contact information of the schools in your area.  All agencies do their best to keep children within their own school system but because of the shortage of foster families, this may not be possible.  The public school system is able to enroll a child quickly and are very easy to work with.  I had a teenager placed with me that had to change schools and it was very simple to call the local high school and set up a meeting.  They had her all set to attend the next day.  The school will contact the child's previous school to obtain records and may call you with concerns as soon as they have the records.  Many foster children need extra services so don't panic if this happens.  Set up a meeting with the school's social worker.  This person will be able to lend you support and answer your questions.

What about medical care?  Your agency may have a list of doctors who take the insurance provided by your state.  It was a revelation to me to find out that not all doctors will see my foster children.  I started my research by asking the doctor I had taken my biological children too if he accepted the state's medical plan.  He did not but was able to refer me to a very nice place.  I used this place for all of my foster children after that. 

With each new placement, I felt like  I was walking a new path.  Each child has their own special needs that will take some creativity to meet.  I found that asking a lot of questions helped me to learn where to go and what to do.  Start by asking your case worker first.  This person is your most valuable resource.  Join a foster parent support group as soon as you can because these are the people who know the insider information.  They love to share!  I have also found  people within my circle of friends who are more than willing to lend a hand when they find out you are helping a child.  Good luck on this amazing journey!

Traveling With Foster Children

I realized lately that I have been wandering to far into my own personal life on this blog.  I want to get back to offering practical information for readers.  I think there is a significant lack of practical information out there right now for those who are currently fostering children.  In my family, summertime is the time to travel.  The children are out of school and I have usually neglected my extended family during the wintertime.  And to be brutally honest, the children in my household are bored silly after the joy of school ending has passed.  We have a pool and a trampoline that keep them pretty busy but there is nothing like a change of scenery.

Traveling with foster children always adds a few extra loops to the process that may seem overwhelming but it will be worth the extra time in the long run.  Always make sure that your case worker is fully informed about your plans.  I have found that I mentally absorb my foster children into my family and it often takes some extra thoughts for me to remember that this child does not belong to me.  I cannot just go wandering around the United States without providing full contact information and a detailed itinerary to the right people.  The case worker should be at the top of your list when you are forming your travel plans.  I have found that if I am just traveling within my home state, that it is a simple matter of providing the necessary information to the case worker.  However, things can get a little more complicated when visiting another state.  I like to request a letter from my caseworker that includes information about my family as the foster family and a statement about permission to travel with the child.  If I have positive relationship with the birth parents, I will keep them informed also.  Traveling can mean that children will miss some important visitation dates with birth parents.  Make plans in advance for the child to chat on the phone with their parents while they are traveling.  Sharing the new experience with their parents is often a great new avenue of conversation.

When I first began to foster children, I headed up north to visit my mother.  She lives about 250 miles away within my home state.  My mom was very nervous about this extra addition to our family and worried about how to act.  We chatted about it and decided that we would just do the same things that we always do when I visit.  We settled on taking the kids to a Putt-Putt course.  I love doing this because I can chat with my mom while the kids are having fun and we get some great pictures.  My latest foster child had never been Putt-Putting before and at 8 years old, she was the perfect age to enjoy it.  My mother was captivated by this child's reaction to such a simple activity.  The child sparkled with laughter and excitement through every hole.  My mom could not believe that such a simple activity could bring such joy to a child.  Many of the children who come into care have never experienced even a simple family vacation.  For me, it is a magical thing to give a child a new experience and create a happy memory for them to treasure, no matter where life may take them.   My mother has now caught the bug of creating new memories and loves to take the children places they have never been before.

Sometimes it is not possible to take a foster child on vacation because of cost or other restrictions. Sometimes a foster family just needs to take a break and get away for awhile and that is okay too. Do not feel bad or guilty if you need to find a substitute caregiver and take a breather.  Again, it is important that the case worker is fully informed of these kinds of plans.  A caseworker can be a big help in finding another foster family willing to take care of your foster child for a short time.  I think the best advice I can offer a new foster family is, "Do not change the things that you do just because a foster child has come to your home."  If you travel, keep traveling.  If you host a big family gathering every year, keep doing it.  Foster children need to experience normal everyday family life.  It is one of the greatest gifts a foster family can give a child.