I have spent this last year as a social worker searching for people who might want to become foster parents. I have answered questions about how wonderful it is to become a foster parent and encouraged anyone who would listen to try it out. Many times I heard people wonder if they are strong enough to be a foster parent. Could they let go of a child when the time came for the child to leave? Potential foster parents worry about the strength of their parenting skills or the impact upon their biological children. I have provided support and encouragement every step of the way. I can honestly say that it is very difficult to find parents willing to open their homes and families to a stranger's child. I have enjoyed every minute of my job. Foster parenting has always been my favorite subject to talk about.
Last week I hit the brick wall of reality. I attended a training class designed to teach social workers how to license homes for foster care. As a past foster parent, I have been through the homestudy process. I remember gathering reams of paperwork, getting fingerprinted, and finding references. I remember social workers visiting and interviewing my family. When I am teaching potential foster parents about the process, I talk about how intense and time consuming the process can be. A potential foster family must be willing to allow the agency to poke and prod their way through every aspect of the home and private life. The class I attended taught me about all the forms, and interviews, and rules. I enjoyed expanding my knowledge and learning more about my favorite subject.
On the last day of class, the students were presented with several fictional scenarios of potential foster families. This was designed to teach us how to spot a home or family that was not suitable to be a foster home. Three of the four scenarios were voted down by my classmates. Now wait just a minute, my brain cried! Michigan has a critical shortage of foster homes and turning potential families away is against everything I have spent the last year working towards. Not one family in the last year that I spoke too, wondered if their home was good enough to pass all of the rules set forth by the State of Michigan. I spent my lunch hour muttering to myself about over regulation and overzealous bureaucrats. I returned to class determined to share my views with the rest of the class.
Before I got the chance to voice my opinions, we had a guest speaker who had been in the licensing profession for 34 years. She spoke about the many situations she had seen come and go over the years. She brought real life experience to the hundreds of rules we had spent the last three days learning about. It made me think about the crazy warnings on the back of shampoo bottles. The ones that say, "this product could be harmful to your health if ingested internally." Who would ever want to swallow enough shampoo to find out the possible side effects of doing so? Who came up with that crazy warning? The answer is that somewhere in this crazy world, someone did drink shampoo and got sick in the process. They probably sued the company and were awarded crazy amounts of money for their stupidity. Now the rest of us in the world have to suffer through crazy rules and warnings that seem obvious to most of us.
The teacher of my class reminded me that we are not all born with the same list of common sense rules. One of my favorite rules to cite is the requirement that foster children must have a real bedroom to sleep in. The rule states that a foster child may not sleep in a walk in closet, broom closet (think Harry Potter), or unfinished basement. The rules is actually much more specific than I have stated, but I think you get the idea of what I am talking about. There are actually people in this world who think a closet is a viable sleeping space. I would like to offer them a taste of my strawberry shampoo!
The State of Michigan needs foster families very badly, but not at the cost of child's safety and well being. I have always taught my potential foster families that the rules are very practical in nature and in place to protect both the child and the family. I still feel that way. Now as I teach my informational classes about foster care, I will add a section on passing the home inspection. A good foster family who truly cares about the well being of a child should be worried about passing an inspection. Foster children deserve to live in safety, just like the rest of us.
Blog Picture
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
New Year, New Office!
I spent the week after Christmas painting my foyer a new color. I love the way a room looks with a fresh coat of paint in a brand new color. I wish it were a simple as slapping some paint on the walls in one day and admiring my efforts, but it is not. In my house, the walls have been through a lot of love from all the kids who have grown up here. On some walls, there is more spackle than there is dry wall. I have become an expert at sanding a wall to perfect smoothness to erase all the dents and dings from a large family. My foyer project began because a large hole in the wall, courtesy of my son, Jason. He and a friend where wrestling upstairs and came crashing down the stairs to leave a large imprint of a shoulder in my wall. The hole was substantial and I had to cut a new piece of drywall for a patch. I had not repaired damage this large before so I headed to the Internet to learn how to do it. The first video I watched began with this statement, "If you have teenagers in your house, then you need to know how to repair large holes in your drywall." This is soooo true!! The guy on the video repaired his wall in ten minutes and seven seconds. It only took me three days and four coats of drywall mud. After that I spent several more days filling in nicks, dents and holes. When I came to the big ones, I found that it was a little bit of trip down memory lane. This spot was where Michael punched the wall and learned never to do that again (it really hurt!). That spot came from the race car smashing down the stairs and hitting the wall. It took several more dents for Dylan to learn not to do that. The corners are scuffed and chipped from people coming and going all the time. It would make for a very funny scrap book page if I took a picture of my favorite dents and labeled them with the correct memory.
Hands Across the Water(HATW) made a giant move over Christmas and New Years to a brand new office. HATW is the adoption/foster care agency that I work for but I do most of my work from home. It is huge, and brand new, and very professional looking. It is actually a little unbelievable that this small agency is now ready for this kind of space. Click on this link to see the new address and cool pictures: http://www.hatw.org/location2010.htm. The old office had a very family kind of atmosphere to it. The agency began in 1999 and the office had the look of a place where people were comfortable. The space where meetings and classes were held often doubled as a collection room for Christmas presents or backpacks. HATW is always collecting necessary items for orphanages, foster children, and families in need. The new space for classes is huge and will take some time to get used to.
Anyway, all of this is leading up to the thought of "out with the old and in with the new". It must be difficult for some people in the office to leave behind all the dents and dings acquired by years of serving families. I love my smooth, new walls in my foyer too, but I can't help but miss the memories that I painted over. However, I know I can count on my kids to start work right away on the fresh canvas and It won't look new for very long. I think the same is true at the new office. People are already filling up their beautiful new offices with work things. Families will arrive for classes and meetings. Soon the place will feel like home. Stop in and visit our new offices. It is an amazing place made even more special by the work that we do!
Hands Across the Water(HATW) made a giant move over Christmas and New Years to a brand new office. HATW is the adoption/foster care agency that I work for but I do most of my work from home. It is huge, and brand new, and very professional looking. It is actually a little unbelievable that this small agency is now ready for this kind of space. Click on this link to see the new address and cool pictures: http://www.hatw.org/location2010.htm. The old office had a very family kind of atmosphere to it. The agency began in 1999 and the office had the look of a place where people were comfortable. The space where meetings and classes were held often doubled as a collection room for Christmas presents or backpacks. HATW is always collecting necessary items for orphanages, foster children, and families in need. The new space for classes is huge and will take some time to get used to.
Anyway, all of this is leading up to the thought of "out with the old and in with the new". It must be difficult for some people in the office to leave behind all the dents and dings acquired by years of serving families. I love my smooth, new walls in my foyer too, but I can't help but miss the memories that I painted over. However, I know I can count on my kids to start work right away on the fresh canvas and It won't look new for very long. I think the same is true at the new office. People are already filling up their beautiful new offices with work things. Families will arrive for classes and meetings. Soon the place will feel like home. Stop in and visit our new offices. It is an amazing place made even more special by the work that we do!
Friday, December 28, 2012
Christmas is about Memories
My family is very set in their ways and our traditions are always the same. We have the same food every year because it is just so yummy. Each family member brings the same dish they brought the year before. Mine is cherry jello dessert. My sister is in charge of a fancy salad and my step mom brings crab legs. Really, the only thing that seems to change are the people. Last year we had a foster daughter and a boyfriend attend. This year my father joined us again after living in another state for several years. I enjoy the comforting feeling sameness and I think that foster children who are a part of family enjoy the stability too.
Despite the same traditions, the people involved are always changing. My kids are always growing up and changing. I expect and enjoy that aspect of raising children but now I am noticing that my parents are changing and growing older too. Some things are more difficult for them to do than in years past. The dinner table discussion was very interesting this year. My kids are now young adults and have strong opinions about issues outside of their normal lives. I particularly enjoyed listening to them argue points across the dinner table. My extended family is quite large and we have family members on both sides of every issue. This year's topics of debate included foster parenting in general and LGBT people as foster/adoptive parents.
I enjoy stirring the pot a little bit to get every bit of opinion that I can on foster parenting. Some in my family are still bewildered by the fact that I open my home to other people's children. Some are impressed but would never do it themselves and some of them pitch in and help out in anyway they can. I think it is a good representation of the world in general. My Christmas wish this year is for more people to sign up and give foster parenting a try because there are so many children in need of a home. My sister is sure that she could never do what I do. I wonder if my kids will foster when they have families of their own? A friend and social worker at a meeting I attended stated that often people think about foster parenting for a long time before they take the plunge. That has been my experience also. Foster parenting is a calling of the heart, but sometimes it takes awhile for a person to listen to their heart.
The discussion about LGBT foster parents was quite heated at our table. LGBT stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender. Our dinner discussion reflected both sides of the political debate that is going on in the world today. Personal opinions seem to be set in stone with little room for understanding the other side. Some in the family are completely against it and others prefer to stand up for the personal rights of all people. My extended family has come a long way on this issue because we have learned about it first hand from a family member. I think it is a bumpy road in any family. My opinions and perspective on the matter stem from the needs of a child. Children need families that are willing to love and care for them. Families that are head and shoulders above the abuse and neglectful families they come from. If a person can love and protect a child in need, then my questions end right there.
This year, I enjoyed having all my children with me at the same time. They have busy lives now and are very close to moving out on their own. It felt good to enjoy their company at the same dinner table. I missed those that have moved on the path of life to another family and I wonder who will be at our dinner table next year.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!
Despite the same traditions, the people involved are always changing. My kids are always growing up and changing. I expect and enjoy that aspect of raising children but now I am noticing that my parents are changing and growing older too. Some things are more difficult for them to do than in years past. The dinner table discussion was very interesting this year. My kids are now young adults and have strong opinions about issues outside of their normal lives. I particularly enjoyed listening to them argue points across the dinner table. My extended family is quite large and we have family members on both sides of every issue. This year's topics of debate included foster parenting in general and LGBT people as foster/adoptive parents.
I enjoy stirring the pot a little bit to get every bit of opinion that I can on foster parenting. Some in my family are still bewildered by the fact that I open my home to other people's children. Some are impressed but would never do it themselves and some of them pitch in and help out in anyway they can. I think it is a good representation of the world in general. My Christmas wish this year is for more people to sign up and give foster parenting a try because there are so many children in need of a home. My sister is sure that she could never do what I do. I wonder if my kids will foster when they have families of their own? A friend and social worker at a meeting I attended stated that often people think about foster parenting for a long time before they take the plunge. That has been my experience also. Foster parenting is a calling of the heart, but sometimes it takes awhile for a person to listen to their heart.
The discussion about LGBT foster parents was quite heated at our table. LGBT stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender. Our dinner discussion reflected both sides of the political debate that is going on in the world today. Personal opinions seem to be set in stone with little room for understanding the other side. Some in the family are completely against it and others prefer to stand up for the personal rights of all people. My extended family has come a long way on this issue because we have learned about it first hand from a family member. I think it is a bumpy road in any family. My opinions and perspective on the matter stem from the needs of a child. Children need families that are willing to love and care for them. Families that are head and shoulders above the abuse and neglectful families they come from. If a person can love and protect a child in need, then my questions end right there.
This year, I enjoyed having all my children with me at the same time. They have busy lives now and are very close to moving out on their own. It felt good to enjoy their company at the same dinner table. I missed those that have moved on the path of life to another family and I wonder who will be at our dinner table next year.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Fostering Teenagers
Please don't stop reading after the title!! I know that nobody wants to talk about teenagers. I am hesitant to write about them because it may cause people to reconsider parenthood entirely (at least my family's stories might!). Most of us love the happily ever after stories with cute babies and toddlers. I love those stories too, but today, the topic of teenagers will not leave my head until I write it down.
It is no secret that the largest number of children in foster care are teenagers. The State of Michigan has worked hard in 2012 to recruit new foster families for all the children in foster care. The new campaign has been very successful from a numbers perspective but many of these new foster homes are empty and not receiving placements. Why? With 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan, I believe that every home should be filled, but that is not the case. Most people who foster children would like a child in the 0-5 years old age range. Fostering to adopt is the most common reason that families become foster parents and the reason I began fostering kids too. It is a wonderful reason to enter the foster care system and help a child. My husband and I welcomed two babies into our home and eventually adopted them. When I think back to the circumstances of their birth, I know that we have changed their lives for the better. Some people foster just to help children and often take in the older kids that have such a hard time finding a home.
When I meet foster parents with older kids, I wonder why they do this. Are they angels? Are they crazy? Everyone knows that teenagers are difficult. Does anyone actually do this voluntarily? I did not foster a teen on purpose, it just fell in my lap. For the record, I think this is a common occurrence. Many people will take a sibling group that includes a teenager they are not quite prepared for. Some people take in teenagers because they know them personally or are related to them. Whatever the circumstances of a teens arrival, it is guaranteed to be an eye opening experience.
My biological children are all in the teenage age range. I thought I knew what I was signing up for ahead of time and I was still surprised. Shelly was a fun person to be around. Unlike a toddler, I could have a meaningful conversation with her. We talked about her goals in life, her friends, her school work, and just a little bit of everything. I could feel her learning from me every day. She enjoyed being a part of our family because she could see how different our family was from her own. She didn't need to learn how to walk or talk, she needed to learn how to drive and how to find a job. She needed guidance and support. This was so refreshing to me! Small children can take so much time and energy to parent. Parenting a teen is a different kind of time and energy. I took her shopping often because she needed clothes and it was fun to watch her shopping style. She was a no nonsense kind of shopper. If she needed pants, we went right to the pants rack. There was no browsing and dreaming of this or that. When she needed a formal dress for a school dance, we went shopping and got the job done. It was so much fun! The down side to parenting Shelly came out quickly because she was very clingy. She was always beside me in everything I did. Sometimes it became too much and I would need to take a break to restock my reserves. During this time of my life it was easier for me to handle than the behavior problems of smaller children.
My husband had a different experience with Shelly. She stayed away from him as much as possible in the beginning. Her father was abusive and this created a natural barrier that she did not want to cross. However, she did come to appreciate his stability. He goes to work everyday and provides an income for our family. She saw this and compared it to her own father who was always between jobs. The walls finally came tumbling down when the two of them set out to purchase her first car. It was wonderful to watch her open up to my husband and appreciate what a father can be. I think that it was so satisfying to parent Shelly because she learned so much from our family. My biological kids rarely appreciate having parents because we have always been there. They naturally take us for granted. Shelly never did. She knew what it was like to have parents who did not take care of her and support her.
I wish more people would give parenting a teen a trial run. I often leave pamphlets at Senior Centers in different towns hoping that people who have already raised their children would like to give an older child a home. Their parenting experience would be a precious gift to a teenager looking for guidance. Actually, anyone can parent an older child. It is much easier than I thought and I gained much more than I gave in the process. It is really something to think about!
It is no secret that the largest number of children in foster care are teenagers. The State of Michigan has worked hard in 2012 to recruit new foster families for all the children in foster care. The new campaign has been very successful from a numbers perspective but many of these new foster homes are empty and not receiving placements. Why? With 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan, I believe that every home should be filled, but that is not the case. Most people who foster children would like a child in the 0-5 years old age range. Fostering to adopt is the most common reason that families become foster parents and the reason I began fostering kids too. It is a wonderful reason to enter the foster care system and help a child. My husband and I welcomed two babies into our home and eventually adopted them. When I think back to the circumstances of their birth, I know that we have changed their lives for the better. Some people foster just to help children and often take in the older kids that have such a hard time finding a home.
When I meet foster parents with older kids, I wonder why they do this. Are they angels? Are they crazy? Everyone knows that teenagers are difficult. Does anyone actually do this voluntarily? I did not foster a teen on purpose, it just fell in my lap. For the record, I think this is a common occurrence. Many people will take a sibling group that includes a teenager they are not quite prepared for. Some people take in teenagers because they know them personally or are related to them. Whatever the circumstances of a teens arrival, it is guaranteed to be an eye opening experience.
My biological children are all in the teenage age range. I thought I knew what I was signing up for ahead of time and I was still surprised. Shelly was a fun person to be around. Unlike a toddler, I could have a meaningful conversation with her. We talked about her goals in life, her friends, her school work, and just a little bit of everything. I could feel her learning from me every day. She enjoyed being a part of our family because she could see how different our family was from her own. She didn't need to learn how to walk or talk, she needed to learn how to drive and how to find a job. She needed guidance and support. This was so refreshing to me! Small children can take so much time and energy to parent. Parenting a teen is a different kind of time and energy. I took her shopping often because she needed clothes and it was fun to watch her shopping style. She was a no nonsense kind of shopper. If she needed pants, we went right to the pants rack. There was no browsing and dreaming of this or that. When she needed a formal dress for a school dance, we went shopping and got the job done. It was so much fun! The down side to parenting Shelly came out quickly because she was very clingy. She was always beside me in everything I did. Sometimes it became too much and I would need to take a break to restock my reserves. During this time of my life it was easier for me to handle than the behavior problems of smaller children.
My husband had a different experience with Shelly. She stayed away from him as much as possible in the beginning. Her father was abusive and this created a natural barrier that she did not want to cross. However, she did come to appreciate his stability. He goes to work everyday and provides an income for our family. She saw this and compared it to her own father who was always between jobs. The walls finally came tumbling down when the two of them set out to purchase her first car. It was wonderful to watch her open up to my husband and appreciate what a father can be. I think that it was so satisfying to parent Shelly because she learned so much from our family. My biological kids rarely appreciate having parents because we have always been there. They naturally take us for granted. Shelly never did. She knew what it was like to have parents who did not take care of her and support her.
I wish more people would give parenting a teen a trial run. I often leave pamphlets at Senior Centers in different towns hoping that people who have already raised their children would like to give an older child a home. Their parenting experience would be a precious gift to a teenager looking for guidance. Actually, anyone can parent an older child. It is much easier than I thought and I gained much more than I gave in the process. It is really something to think about!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
A Foster Child's Chistmas
I am a bit of perfectionist, which gets me in trouble sometimes. I want things to be perfect before I open the door and let anyone in. This is why Christmas can be a difficult time of year for me. The stress of buying just the right Christmas gift and not forgetting anyone on the list is enough to make me want to throw in the towel before I have even begun to shop. When I have foster children in my home over Christmas, my stress level can skyrocket! There are additional gifts to buy. I have to make sure that each child receives about the same number of things so that no one feels like the black sheep of the family. I need to juggle the family events and make sure that extended relatives are prepared for some of the challenges that exist in our home and might happen at their home on this special holiday. My head is spinning even as I am writing it down.
However, children have a completely different perspective on Christmas than adults do. I would like to share some of the experiences I have had with my foster kids that make Christmas life changing for some kids. Shelly spent last Christmas with us and it was eye opening for her. She alternated between excitement with the preparations and boredom. It was an interesting combination. She would get all excited about making and decorating cookies and then quit after doing two of them. She worried about the other kids getting more presents than she would. I think this came from feeling afraid that she would be left out of the festivities. I worried that she would feel uncomfortable or even unloved. It was a difficult stretch of time for both of us.
Shelly was 17 years old at the time and had plenty of memories of Christmas times that had come before. She spoke of years of receiving donated presents that were nice but somewhat unsatisfying. I got the impression that one present picked out by her Dad would have filled her with love in a way that donated presents could not. She spoke of the year her Mother decided that she and her siblings were bad and took away all the donated presents after they had opened them. All I could do was hug her after that story came out. I wanted more than anything to give her at least one good memory of Christmas. I knew that I could not erase what had come before but I was going to give it my best shot no matter what. She went to every family event we had and opened presents with the rest of my kids. She smiled a lot that day. She enjoyed sharing Christmas with my younger children who still believed in Santa. At the end of the day, the presents didn't matter to her. What was really important was being with a family that cared about her. My hope is that she can look back with a smile this Christmas and remembers the joy she felt last year.
I had another foster child leave my home at the end of November to return to her mother. I missed her a great deal as Christmas drew nearer. I was lucky enough to keep in touch with this child and her mother for a short time. The second week of December, I found out that Diamond was not going to get any Christmas presents because her mother had not signed her up in time to receive the donated gifts she had relied on in years past. I quickly spread the word around my church that Diamond was in need of Christmas presents. In less than two weeks, my congregation pulled together enough to fill the back of my car. I recruited my daughter to help me deliver the gifts to Diamond and her mother the day before Christmas. My daughter did not want to go but I roped her in anyway. We struggled to carry the load up the apartment steps and my daughter kept up a steady stream of grumbling all the way. Diamond's mother met us with a smile and showed us where to put them. My daughter fell silent as she took in the bare apartment with just a couch for furniture. There was no television, computer or kitchen table to eat at. It was a very bare existence. Diamond was 8 years old that year and there is no describing the look on her face or the joy when she found out that all the gifts were for her. She had been to church with our family and knew the women who had donated all these presents. It was an incredible moment for me and for her. I hugged Diamond one last time and headed down the stairs with my daughter. She was silent most of way home, only speaking when we pulled in the driveway. She said, "Mom, Diamond had nothing in her home." Her eyes were huge as I looked her and said, "I know." I thanked her for helping me and for helping to make Diamond's Christmas special. Then I sat there and watched her change on the inside right in front of me. She realized in that moment that our family had many things to be thankful for. She realized that not everyone lives the same life that she does. She realized that she had been a sister to Diamond for almost a year and that was a special thing. Brynna was 11 years old that Christmas. She speaks of Diamond every year now even though we have lost contact with her.
Being a foster parent is one of the most special gifts I have experienced at Christmas time. The children I have fostered have changed my life and my children's lives. I believe that my family has changed them for the better too. I hope that you too can sort through the chaos and frenzy of Christmas and find those life changing moments in your children's lives. I hope that you can give the gift becoming a foster parent to a child in need this year.
However, children have a completely different perspective on Christmas than adults do. I would like to share some of the experiences I have had with my foster kids that make Christmas life changing for some kids. Shelly spent last Christmas with us and it was eye opening for her. She alternated between excitement with the preparations and boredom. It was an interesting combination. She would get all excited about making and decorating cookies and then quit after doing two of them. She worried about the other kids getting more presents than she would. I think this came from feeling afraid that she would be left out of the festivities. I worried that she would feel uncomfortable or even unloved. It was a difficult stretch of time for both of us.
Shelly was 17 years old at the time and had plenty of memories of Christmas times that had come before. She spoke of years of receiving donated presents that were nice but somewhat unsatisfying. I got the impression that one present picked out by her Dad would have filled her with love in a way that donated presents could not. She spoke of the year her Mother decided that she and her siblings were bad and took away all the donated presents after they had opened them. All I could do was hug her after that story came out. I wanted more than anything to give her at least one good memory of Christmas. I knew that I could not erase what had come before but I was going to give it my best shot no matter what. She went to every family event we had and opened presents with the rest of my kids. She smiled a lot that day. She enjoyed sharing Christmas with my younger children who still believed in Santa. At the end of the day, the presents didn't matter to her. What was really important was being with a family that cared about her. My hope is that she can look back with a smile this Christmas and remembers the joy she felt last year.
I had another foster child leave my home at the end of November to return to her mother. I missed her a great deal as Christmas drew nearer. I was lucky enough to keep in touch with this child and her mother for a short time. The second week of December, I found out that Diamond was not going to get any Christmas presents because her mother had not signed her up in time to receive the donated gifts she had relied on in years past. I quickly spread the word around my church that Diamond was in need of Christmas presents. In less than two weeks, my congregation pulled together enough to fill the back of my car. I recruited my daughter to help me deliver the gifts to Diamond and her mother the day before Christmas. My daughter did not want to go but I roped her in anyway. We struggled to carry the load up the apartment steps and my daughter kept up a steady stream of grumbling all the way. Diamond's mother met us with a smile and showed us where to put them. My daughter fell silent as she took in the bare apartment with just a couch for furniture. There was no television, computer or kitchen table to eat at. It was a very bare existence. Diamond was 8 years old that year and there is no describing the look on her face or the joy when she found out that all the gifts were for her. She had been to church with our family and knew the women who had donated all these presents. It was an incredible moment for me and for her. I hugged Diamond one last time and headed down the stairs with my daughter. She was silent most of way home, only speaking when we pulled in the driveway. She said, "Mom, Diamond had nothing in her home." Her eyes were huge as I looked her and said, "I know." I thanked her for helping me and for helping to make Diamond's Christmas special. Then I sat there and watched her change on the inside right in front of me. She realized in that moment that our family had many things to be thankful for. She realized that not everyone lives the same life that she does. She realized that she had been a sister to Diamond for almost a year and that was a special thing. Brynna was 11 years old that Christmas. She speaks of Diamond every year now even though we have lost contact with her.
Being a foster parent is one of the most special gifts I have experienced at Christmas time. The children I have fostered have changed my life and my children's lives. I believe that my family has changed them for the better too. I hope that you too can sort through the chaos and frenzy of Christmas and find those life changing moments in your children's lives. I hope that you can give the gift becoming a foster parent to a child in need this year.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Protecting Your Heart
It is a sad day in our household today. One of my daughter's best friends died in a car accident on Monday night. He was 20 years old. There are not enough adjectives to describe how upset and sad she is today. I wish I could take her pain away and make it all better. Unfortunately, I am stuck just holding her while she cries. I am trying to say the right things but even I am at a loss for words with this one. Even worse for me is the fact that death and grieving is not something new for my daughter. She has lost friends before and in fact, just attended a funeral last week of an older brother of a past boyfriend. All of this sadness and heartbreak has brought to my mind the way humans protect their hearts.
Children with abusive pasts are experts at protecting their hearts from further damage. They do not trust easily and are usually very independent. It is difficult but necessary to break through these walls to teach them how to love again. But what about a foster parent's heart? It is a sad guarantee that a foster parent will suffer some heartbreak through the fostering process. I even cry over the ones that I an happy to see returning home. Foster parenting is a gift from the heart and the heart is going to get stepped on sometimes. Is there a way to protect ourselves from the pain of loss?
I am sure there are technical and psychological techniques that can be studied and applied but I do not have much experience on that level. All I have is my personal experience to offer. I used to think that I could protect my heart better with an older child rather than a baby. Babies tend to tug on my heartstrings very quickly because they seem to be built that way. I quickly found out that I was completely wrong on that score. At 18 years old, Shelly knocked down my heart barriers within two months and I still think of her everyday. As a foster parent I am able to parent and act like a mother in a very generic way. I do not have to love a child to be a good parent. I hope that does not sound too cold but it is true. I can dress, feed, and bathe a child just a like a babysitter does. I can offer support and a safe household without risking my heart. Some of this I learned through experience and some I had to learn the hard way. I had a little boy placed in my home on the Friday of memorial day weekend. By Sunday I was completely in love with the child, on Tuesday he was moved to another home to be with his siblings. It was a quick and hard lesson in babysitting 101. With other kids, I have offered up the gift of love even when I did not want too. It is hard to maintain a distance when another soul needs love so much.
I believe that it is okay to keep your heart in reserve as long as you can when fostering a child. Taking care of a child is a wonderful thing and can be done in a professional manner. I am sure a teacher or day care professional does this all the time. I also believe that it is okay to give your heart to a child and just deal with the pain when it comes. The gift of the heart is never wasted and the child can take it with them when they leave. I often take comfort in the idea that I have taught a child how to love or showed them how trust should exist in a healthy family.
Later on, when time has had a chance to work its magic on my daughter, I would like to ask her if she wished she had never let this friend into her life now that she knows the ending. I am pretty sure that she is glad that she knew him for the short time he was on this earth. He added to her life and she to his. Fostering a child and then losing them is the same idea. I can make a difference in a child's life by opening my home and sometimes my heart. I am glad that I have foster children in my life. I hope you are too!
Children with abusive pasts are experts at protecting their hearts from further damage. They do not trust easily and are usually very independent. It is difficult but necessary to break through these walls to teach them how to love again. But what about a foster parent's heart? It is a sad guarantee that a foster parent will suffer some heartbreak through the fostering process. I even cry over the ones that I an happy to see returning home. Foster parenting is a gift from the heart and the heart is going to get stepped on sometimes. Is there a way to protect ourselves from the pain of loss?
I am sure there are technical and psychological techniques that can be studied and applied but I do not have much experience on that level. All I have is my personal experience to offer. I used to think that I could protect my heart better with an older child rather than a baby. Babies tend to tug on my heartstrings very quickly because they seem to be built that way. I quickly found out that I was completely wrong on that score. At 18 years old, Shelly knocked down my heart barriers within two months and I still think of her everyday. As a foster parent I am able to parent and act like a mother in a very generic way. I do not have to love a child to be a good parent. I hope that does not sound too cold but it is true. I can dress, feed, and bathe a child just a like a babysitter does. I can offer support and a safe household without risking my heart. Some of this I learned through experience and some I had to learn the hard way. I had a little boy placed in my home on the Friday of memorial day weekend. By Sunday I was completely in love with the child, on Tuesday he was moved to another home to be with his siblings. It was a quick and hard lesson in babysitting 101. With other kids, I have offered up the gift of love even when I did not want too. It is hard to maintain a distance when another soul needs love so much.
I believe that it is okay to keep your heart in reserve as long as you can when fostering a child. Taking care of a child is a wonderful thing and can be done in a professional manner. I am sure a teacher or day care professional does this all the time. I also believe that it is okay to give your heart to a child and just deal with the pain when it comes. The gift of the heart is never wasted and the child can take it with them when they leave. I often take comfort in the idea that I have taught a child how to love or showed them how trust should exist in a healthy family.
Later on, when time has had a chance to work its magic on my daughter, I would like to ask her if she wished she had never let this friend into her life now that she knows the ending. I am pretty sure that she is glad that she knew him for the short time he was on this earth. He added to her life and she to his. Fostering a child and then losing them is the same idea. I can make a difference in a child's life by opening my home and sometimes my heart. I am glad that I have foster children in my life. I hope you are too!
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Parenting is a Journey
I probably should be writing something about the upcoming holiday's, especially since Thanksgiving is only a few days away. However, I am not a person that enjoys the holiday season. In fact the only appreciation I have for the holidays are the days off of school and work that I enjoy. So please don't look for any Christmas cheer on this blog. Instead, I want to tell you about teaching my 16 year old son to drive. Yesterday, Jason unexpectedly had the day off of school. Monday was a scheduled half day for his school that was cancelled due to fog. I guess it was something like a snow day only with fog instead. I have been teaching Jason to drive for a long time, due to the fact that he is not allowed to take his driving test until his grades are all in the passing range. He has finally reached this milestone and the test will happen sometime in December. He is very excited about it and proud of his efforts. I had a busy day scheduled with work and preparing for company in the evening but I decided to take advantage of the unexpected time with my son instead. The other kids in my family go to different school districts or go to work so Jason and I found ourselves alone with each other, which is very rare. We happily jumped in the car and headed to WalMart to buy him some much needed clothes and necessities.
Parenting is often a skill that happens in very quick moments. We do not have a lot time to prepare for the big moments in life. I often just hope and pray that I say the right thing at the right time. It might surprise you to hear that my husband and I do not feel like successful parents. We cannot point to a child that we have raised who has become something spectacular like a doctor or a successful athlete. Parenting has brought our goals for our children down to rock bottom. We hope and pray they graduate from high school and become a successful adults, and that is about it. That is not to say that I am not proud of my kids or that my kids have not achieved anything in life. It means that my kids are defining their own futures and taking life paths that I could not have imagined when I first became a parent.
I believe that a good parent is someone who never gives up. A good parent is someone who keeps trying every day to reach a child who seems unreachable. Jason is my biological son. I say that because I want to remind foster and adoptive parents that all children are difficult regardless of how they arrived in your family. He has had trouble in school most of his life. He went through a difficult (and scary) period of experimenting with drugs. I have tried out a million ideas on this child to help him reach some positive goals. I think my husband would agree with me when I say that most parenting techniques have failed on this child. Love and support were useless. Tough love only sent him running in the other direction. Rewards and punishments were largely ignored as he plowed through life. The only technique that seemed to accomplish anything was never giving up. We found him a new school (an alternative high school) that he helped to choose. He is experiencing some academic success there for the first time in his life. He is thinking ahead to career choices. I am so proud of his small successes that I could burst with joy! I understand now that it is not the big events in life that matter, just the slow and steady steps toward happiness that matter.
To return to my fog day story, Jason and I went down to the local school to practice parallel parking af. ter shopping. This was a new thing for him and I knew it was going to difficult. He does not have a lot of patience (or attention span) and we are driving a minivan. A minivan is the hardest vehicle on the planet to parallel park. I will drive around the block 15 times before I will attempt to parallel park my vehicle. I have been through the parking process with three previous teenagers and I was ready for the fireworks ahead. The school has a practice area set up with cones that is identical to the official testing area. Sure enough, before we even finished the first run through, he was ready to throw in the towel. I convinced him to try a few more times and then let him off the hook. All the way home, I was inwardly laughing at his tirade about how unfair this test was. "This kind of parking was not a real life situation and he needed a different car to pass this test," he said. It went on all the way home. The funny part about this is that I have heard it all before. His brother and sister had already covered this ground with me many times before. I could have written down all the things he was ranting about before he opened his mouth. It is moments like these when I enjoy being a parent because I already know exactly what to do and say. I love it when my kids go through a phase that I have seen and handled before. It makes me feel like an accomplished parent!
With my first child, parking the car was a huge drama. I worried that he would never be able to do it. I worried that he would not pass the test. Looking back it seems very funny to me now. Maybe parenting is less about skill and more about staying in the game long enough to get it right. I have had kids fail the driving test and the world didn't end. I have had a child drop out of high school. The world didn't end and she has signed up for night school. My kids are not the perfect darlings that I envisioned when they were born or arrived on my doorstep. I am not the parent that I thought I would be either. I have finally learned to roll with all situations and just keep trying something new. My favorite quote from the movie "Galaxy Quest" says it all, "Never give up, never surrender!"
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