The Role of a Foster Dad

My husband is the most supportive man on this earth.  He happened to marry a woman who loves children.  I am not sure that this was really the best choice for him because he was the oldest of five kids in his family.  I remember when we were dating, he would talk about being the oldest in a large family.  He helped out a lot and felt that he had already experienced enough of raising children.  However, he was game for one or two children after we had been married for a few peaceful years.  Neither one of us really had any clue where life would lead us and now we are proud parents to 6 children.  How cool is that?  See, now that is my attitude.  My husband's is a bit more stoic in nature.  When I wanted to have another baby, he would remind me that someday they would be teenagers and I should think ahead a little bit.  I never did and still do not look as far into the future as I should.  I am still captivated by children. I often get asked how my husband feels about the foster kids.  I happily reply that he is my partner and we work together.  I tend to leave out the learning curve we both experienced in the early years of fostering.  Each child I gave birth too changed our marriage in small ways and so too did each foster child who entered our lives.  With the biological children we adjusted to always putting them first, sleep deprivation, and a tight budget.  These same challenges happen with foster kids, but they can be magnified.  Putting a foster child first in our lives did not come naturally at first.  It was something we had to work at by focusing and sharing the work load.  Finances can be strained as funding from the state takes a few weeks to process.  I am sure I could write a book on the effects of sleep deprivation in parents.  That part is the hardest of all for me.  In our household, Dad is focused on the practical side of things.  He is the consistent one in the discipline department.  He balances our financial spending to make sure I don't spend every dime we have on the children.  He takes the kids out of the house and away from me when I have reached the end of my emotional rope.  Our partnership has grown and bloomed as we raise children together.  We argued and communicated our way though the roughs spots as most couples do. 
A Dad plays an important role in raising children and again this is magnified with foster children.  Many foster kids have never experienced a positive male role model in their lives (this can be reversed to where they have never experienced a positive female role model too).   My husband is very good at waiting for a child to accept him.  He joins in with court dates, car driving and doctors appointments whenever possible.  He becomes an important feature in their lives often before the child realizes it is happening.  Shelly calls me Mom and wants a mother daughter relationship with me.  But she calls my husband by his first name and often tiptoes around him.  Shelly was raised by her biological father and suffered abuse at his hand.  She is not going to open her heart easily to another father figure.  However, she knows he cares about her and will provide for her.  These are some of the first steps needed to form a bond.  Diamond (an eight year old past foster child in our home) also spent several months watching my husband quietly before accepting him into her life.  Foster Father's have the opportunity to show foster kids what a good Father should look like.  I hope that when the kids leave our home they will carry with them the image of positive parents and use that knowledge to become a positive parent themselves.

Extended Family

I have been blessed in my life with a wonderful extended family.  Many times my parents or my in-laws have provided a listening ear, babysitting, or financial help when my family is in need.  We support each other and look out for each other.  However, the announcement that my husband and I wished to foster children caused some in my extended family to wonder if we had lost our minds.  My husband and I had many discussions about how our decision would affect those around us.  Of course, our biological children would face the highest level of change in their lives but how would this affect Grandma and Grandpa?  This is a really important question to answer because having foster kids in my home does affect Grandma and Grandpa in a big way.  Don't forget that this will also affect Grandma and Grandpa who live far away too.  I chose to write about extended family today because one of our Grandma's (we have three in our family) did a really nice thing for Shelly this weekend.  She took her to a college hockey game.  Grandma has season tickets to just about every sport in our University town and often takes grandchildren or donates tickets to our family for a fun event.  It was Shelly's first time attending a college hockey game and she had a wonderful time.  It was a really nice thing for Grandma to do because it showed Shelly that she is a part of the family and not an outsider.  Foster kids feel like outsiders a lot even when the family works hard to prevent this perception.  It takes time to become a member of the family when you are joining the family a little late in the game.  This perception is heightened when there are family gatherings or holiday's.  The extended family also needs to work at accepting a stranger into what is usually a closed circle.   This is hard.  It is hard for everyone involved until a comfort level is reached.  It requires an open mind and an open heart.  It is also important to remember that extended family do not go through the training that foster parents do.  They are thrown cold turkey into this crazy situation.  I appreciate my family's willingness to learn and adjust because they have added an extra layer of support and love for my family and the foster kids.  When my Dad came to town for a visit he took us all out for dinner, foster kids included.  When my family went up north to visit my Mom, she took us all to the Putt Putt golf course.  This was a first time thing for the eight year old foster child I had at the time.  My mom was deeply touched by the joy this little girl showed at each new hole.  My in-laws live close by and are always available for babysitting.  This is a life saving service for a foster parent.  The memories we now have as a family are priceless for all of us.  If your extended family is nervous or doubtful about the new children in your home, be patient and reassuring.  Grandparents may enjoy a book on the subject or attend a training class with you.  Foster children need grandparents in their lives too!

Discipline Ideas

Discipline is a hot topic my household.  My husband and I have and many discussions over how to discipline our children. Now I should pause here consider if "discussion' is the proper word here.  I could easily insert the words argument, disagreement, or just endless dialog.  Maybe some couples totally agree on the proper technique for discipline but that is just not our style.  We have been married for 25 years and have managed to find some common ground (thank goodness!) but we have discovered that the kids benefit more from our differences than if we just picked one style and stuck with it.  Notice also that this topic is not limited to discipling foster children.  Whether you have foster children, adopted chilldren or biological children in your home, your style should be the same for all. 
I have learned what works for me and my family by trial and error.  My husband is very consistant and never forgets about a punishment he has handed down.  I, on the other hand, have been know to put a child on the naughty spot and forget they are there!  My teenagers know that if they are grounded for a week, there is a 50/50 chance that I won't remember the punshiment by Wednesday.  In self defense, there are six of them and only one of me.  That addes up to a lot of punishments to keep track of.  As a compromise between us, we keep the punishments simple and short.  The younger kids have to sit on the naughty spot.  I stole this concept directly from SuperNanny on television (that woman is a genius by the way).  The naughty spot in our house is the stairway leading to upstairs.  They have to sit there for about 5 minutes, then aplogize for the behavior.  It works really well beause it is short, simple and easy to enforce.  A wiggly child can have the whole stairway to feel naughty in.  I don't care if they are at the top or bottom.  The older kids loose things like a cell phone or gas money.  This eliminates the need for me to keep track of the punishment becasue a teenager won't let me forget that their cell phone has been turned off for one single minute of that long week.  For the record, I did spank my first three biological children but I am proud to say that that form of punishment is long gone in our household.  Spanking usually comes with an emotion like anger or frustration.  Discipline should not be done out of strong emotions but more as a form of teaching and redirecting behavior.  The ultimate goal of discipline should be to change or stop undesirable behavior.  I have learned that the outcome is much more important the punishment itself.  I want my kids to learn that hitting is bad and unacceptable behavior.  If they receive naughty spot time each time hitting happens, they learn not to do it.  Breaking curfew always results in loss of cell phone.  Again they learn not to come home past the appropriate time.  Punishment should always have a purpose or a goal to be effective.  It also needs to be the same each time.  My husband has convinced me that being consistant each time produces results.  Kids understand consistency.  
I think it is important to remember that nobody can make you more angry than your children.  Admit it and then forgive yourself for it.  It is a natural response to someone you love deeply, challenging your authortity or embarrassing you in public.  I have said to all of my kids at one time or another, "I am too angry to talk to you right now".  Then I make them wait until I am calm again.  This is where my husband can help.  Sometimes he is the calm one and can deal with the situation better than when I am all worked up.  Sometimes it is the other way around.  It helps me to have a known punishment in place for any future bad behavior.  I don't have to think about it, I just have to apply it.  My advice boils down to this, do your best, keep your cool, and try, try again.   Raising kids is a journey for parents as well as the kids. 

Respite Care

Recently, I was asked to be on a panel made up of foster parents at a Save Our Children Coalition (SOCC) meeting.  You can visit SOCC website at http://saveourchildrencoalition.org/ for more information about this wonderful group.  In a nut shell, the SOCC brings professionals together with interested people to gather ideas and forge ties to help them work together.   The members of the panel each described their situation and the audience asked questions.  One of the topics that the group lingered on for some time was respite care.  Respite care is a licensed foster home that essentially babysits for another.  Honestly, for a foster family, respite care is very hard to find.  When I was a foster parent, I used my mother-in-law when I had an emergency.  She was not licensed but I made sure that my social worker had given her approval for short time periods.  However, there are situations where a foster family needs babysitter for overnight care or just a several day break from the difficulties involved in caring for high needs children.  I think respite care is a very bad label for a great thing.  The word respite seems to imply that the children are so awful that the caregiver needs to escape from them!  The reality is that foster families have lives outside of their work in foster care and everyone needs a break from work once in awhile.  Some of the reasons for using respite care that came from our panel included a family wedding in another state, court appearances (for other foster children), time spent with a spouse, and of course, just taking a break.  Foster families work hard.  We open our homes, our families and our hearts to strangers.  If a foster family requests respite care, you can be sure that it is probably highly necessary.   Another area that often goes hand in hand with respite care is emergency placements.  Sometimes a social worker needs to place a child for a short time until other arrangements can be made.  For instance, this week at Hands Across the Water a newborn needed a temporary home of a few days to a week.  Sometimes a sibling group needs to be placed separately for a night or a weekend until family arrangements can be made.  The bottom line is there is significant need for licensed homes to be available for these short term situations.  Respite care or emergency placement is a great way for a family to try out foster care.  A family can experiment on a very short term basis with having a strange child in the home.  Older children can see what it is like for Mom and Dad to have another child in the house.  The benefits are many in this situation.  If you are exploring the idea of fostering, please consider respite care or emergency placement. 

Things Foster Kids are Scared Of

A fellow blogger sent me a wonderful list of 10 things that children are scared of.  Here is the link if you would like to take a look  http://www.findababysitter.org/blog/10-different-monsters-that-scare-children/.  Foster kids are scared of the same things that other kids are scared of like the dark or a monster under the bed but often they have a few extra that will surprise you.  Some are afraid of attending a new school.  This is obviously because they tend to get moved around a lot.  Some are more scared of a new foster family than their own birth home and all of its problems.  This too, is understandable as the new and unknown is often far more frightening than the familiar.  I had one emergency placement of a 4 year old boy for a weekend who was terrified to be separated from his siblings.  The social worker had no choice but to divide up the sibling group of five because there was no foster home available to handle that many children at once.  This poor little guy was just lost without his older brother.  Thankfully, his older brother's name was Michael which happened to be the same as my oldest child.  That seemed to help a little bit.  He only stayed with us for the weekend and when I took him to the agency on Monday to be reunited with his siblings the joy on his face was a sight to see.  I had another young lady who was frightened of WalMart.  Apparently she and her siblings had been abandoned by her mother in a Walmart when she was 5 years old.  I met her when she was 17 and the fear was still very strong.  Foster kids are not just afraid of the traditional things that young children are afraid of.  Foster children have seen the darker side of life and been exposed to things that are heartbreaking to describe.  Hunger, physical or sexual abuse and neglect are common in this group.  However, these kids are survivors.  They have learned how to cope and function in the environment they have been given.  A foster parent can make a tremendous difference in a foster child's life by providing a loving home and encouraging a bond of trust.  These children can work to conquer their unusual fears if they are working from a place where they feel safe.  If your home means safety and security to a foster child, you have already given them some important tools to fight the boogieman and anything else they may be afraid of.     

Pets and Foster Kids

I am a pet person.  You would know this the minute you knocked upon my door and heard the chorus of barking that accompanies each door bell ring.  I have three dogs named Sam, Rocky, and Artie who make all the racket when you come to the door.  Two of them are very friendly and wish to greet the latest person to visit their household.  The third is more protective and shows this by continuing to bark when you come in the door.  One question I hear often from people considering fostering is, "Is it okay to have pets?"  The answer is yes, yes and yes!  Our pets are a special part of our family.  I do not have cats but I have had lizards, guinea pigs and various hamsters who share the house with the dogs.  I am not sure if my dogs actually know who lives in our house.  In addition to foster kids, we have friends who spend the night and significant others (boyfriends/girlfriends) who spend a lot of time at the house.  My daughter Brynna just broke up with her boyfriend of more than year.  He used to walk the dog and take naps with him.  I am sure that Rocky is going to miss him being around.  The foster kids who have lived in my house seem to enjoy the pets that we have.  When life is hard or stressful, a pet is a wonderful cuddling ball of fur.  A dog or a cat can provide unlimited amounts of unconditional love.  One of my kids would always spend 30 minutes stroking Sam after a stressful visit with a birth parent.  Sam seemed to understand the child's need and would just snuggle and accept the love.  It is a wonderful sight for me to watch a dog heal a child's hurt when no one else can.  Your pets are important enough to be included in your home study and a social worker will keep your pets in mind when placing a child. Walking the dog or feeding the cat are wonderful chores for a foster child to participate in.  These kids need to experience a normal life and what is more normal than cleaning out a litter box?  Shelly appreciates Rocky's protective nature.  He barks when he hears noises and does not let strangers in the house.  This helps her feel safe and protected from the danger her birth parents represent to her.  Foster kids have seen and experienced too many of the bad things in this world.  Pets can gently show them the good side of life again. 

My Foster Family is Just Different

I live in a small subdivision with nice, well kept houses.  I often think that my house must stand out like a sore thumb.  I have this vision in my head of a cartoon house with children hanging out of the windows, multiple dogs barking, and chickens running around the front yard.  Okay, I don't have chickens but I do have a lot of children and dogs (I have 3 of those).  I also don't live in fear of offending my neighbors but I do wonder what crosses their mind as they glance down the street at my house.  The most noticeable feature of my home is the number of cars parked in the driveway.  My husband and I each have a car, Michael and Brynna each have a car, and a dump truck that is part of my son's snowplowing business.  That adds up to five cars in the driveway and we are always shuffling them to let  one another out.  Michael also does work as a mechanic and there is usually an additional car parked in the garage that he is working on.  Brynna has friends who drive and they stop by and park their car at the curb.  I am sure you get the idea that we look a bit like a used car lot around here.  I also have three dogs who are free to roam in our fenced in back yard.  Barking is probably a factor for my neighbors although I am not going to ask unless they bring it up.   If I were a neighbor looking in, I am sure my first thought would be, "Who actually lives in that house?"  When you are a foster family, your family never looks the same from month to month.  Children come and go, social workers and lawyers come and go too.  My house is a very busy location.  Our family is out in public quite a bit too.  I remember one summer I did a lot of volunteering for the local Little League and all my kids would go with me to work the concession stand at the baseball fields.  A curious mother asked about my latest foster daughter.  I think she wasn't sure who she belonged too.  So I told her that the girl was mine.  She replied, " I thought she just like to hang out with your family because she is always with you!"  The changing status of my family was noticeable again this week when my Dad came from North Carolina for a visit.  I long ago faced the fact that my family is very overwhelming as a large group.  With that in mind, Dad and I visited over a two week period and he enjoyed smaller combinations of his grandchildren, depending on who was traveling with me on that day.  Dad gamely purchased dinner at a restaurant for whichever family combination appeared.  Thanks Dad!   The bottom line is that my foster family attracts attention in whatever situation we land in.  I may have a child of a different race, I may have a lot of children all at once, I may be carrying a baby in a car seat.  People are curious and will ask questions.  I am proud of my changing family and I do not mind answering polite questions.  However, beware of people who will rudely ask for personal information.  They are out there and it happens more often than it should.  I will happily give a quick explanation but I will not share the fact that my foster child has family difficulties.  As foster parents we need to protect our foster children's stories.  After all, it is their personal history and not our story to share.  Imagine being the foster child listening to foster parent describing their personal family secrets to a stranger!  I would be horrified or at least embarrassed if I was the foster child.  There are good people out there who are just curious and there are nosy people.  I learned how to tell the difference very quickly.  I am grateful that I have very nice neighbors who are not nosy and just accept the crazy cartoon house at the end of the street.