Who is Watching?

When a foster child enters my home, my family is immediately under the public spotlight.  Friends and family will notice right way that I have an extra child and start asking questions.  In my case, the cashier's down at Kroger always seem to know when my family has expanded and point it out to me. My family is a very public family because we are active in our community and I am standing at the corner twice a day in front of the elementary school as the crossing guard. This is good because I love my community and it is very supportive.  However, it has a down side because when people are paying attention to your family it draws criticism.  It is important to realize that when you become a foster family, everyone is now watching your family and act accordingly. 

Who is watching?

 The first and most important new party involved in your private life is your social work agency.  The child placed in your home will have a case worker assigned to him or her that will visit once a month. Their job is to communicate with the child, listen to your concerns and generally monitor your home.  This same case worker is assigned the child's birth family and will facilitate visitation and communication between the child and his/her family.  If this worker witnesses something that falls outside of the foster care rules and regulations, she will address the issue. Remember that the agency and the case worker are not out to personally attack your family.  It is their job to ensure that the child is placed in a safe and loving home.  Some of the foster care rules may seem just a little nuts but they are there for the safety of the child and to protect you too.  One of my favorite weird rules is the one that states you cannot use a garage as a bedroom area.  This may seem like this is stating the obvious, but someone, somewhere must have gotten the bright idea to put a bed in the garage and call it a bedroom.  This is wrong on so many levels!  If you want to use the square footage of your garage, do a proper remodel with a ceiling, floor, closet and windows.  The most important rule for your protection as a foster family is having a fire alarm on every floor.  This protects your own family as well as the foster child.  Fire can happen to anyone and easy to detect.  Please don't get mad when the agency asks you to spend money and add them to your home.

The second party involved in your life are the child's birth parents.  I realize that my last statement may raise all kinds of red flags in your brain and that is normal.  It is important to understand that the birth family does not just disappear or have no say in their child's care.  They can and they do have opinions about everything that you do.  As a foster family, you can choose the level of involvement that you have with your foster child's family according to your comfort level.  Even if you choose to have no contact with the family, you will still have to get permission through the caseworker to do simple things like cutting the child's hair.  Until an adoption is finalized, it is very important to remember that you are caring for someone else's child.  This fact is very hard to remember when the child is in your home 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  If the birth parent finds a suspicious mark or bruise on the child, they will contact the caseworker.  Birth parents can be very appreciative of your family caring for their child, or they may not be and report every little thing they see.

The third party now involved in your personal life, I have already mentioned, and that is the general public.  Foster families are not positively represented by the news media.  The media always jumps on the worst representation of our group and abusive foster families make great news stories.   In addition, the foster child may have behavioral issues that you are working on but look very bad when doing the grocery shopping and the child has a melt down.  Firmly removing the child from the store can easily be misconstrued as abuse by a stranger who may be overly sensitive.  For example, the best method to remove a child from a public place is to take their hand and lead them out.  A child in full blown tantrum mode is going to require physically picking them up or a firm grip on the arm to make some forward motion.  The child will resist by pulling back and you will respond by tightening the grip and pulling harder.  None of which is abuse or against the rules in foster care.  However, a stranger will only see your struggle with the child or you yanking the child's arm harder than necessary.  That well meaning stranger will have no idea how patient you truly are when the child punches you in the head to get loose or fires a well aimed kick at your shin and you calmly carry him out!

Some people will ask very inappropriate questions in front of the child and you are stuck digging for a tactful answer that will protect the child's feelings.   Some people will call the child abuse hotline to report you.  The birth parents may campaign in the case worker's ear for removal of the children from your home.  All of these possibilities are scary and frustrating for a family who just wants to help a child.  It is a very difficult thing to open your home and your heart to public criticism and your agency and your case workers know this fact well. 

Now that I have scared you away from becoming a foster family, I want to share with you some remedies to this problem and remind you that it really is the best job in the world.  The best defense against public opinion is to shield your family as much as possible.  Ignore that busybody in the grocery store because she is not worth your time.  Have an answer ready in your head for overly personal questions that discourages further comments.  For instance, "I would rather not share personal details about my child in public" can send someone in the other direction right away.  You can use some humor by saying, "Yes, this child does look different from me, but you should see the purple child I left at home!"  If someone reports your family to child protective services, try to remain calm and call your worker right away.  A good agency will advocate and support their foster families.  Your honesty about the situation a willingness to follow procedure will help you through the situation.  I believe the most wonderful thing that you can do for the public image of a foster family is to be positive, share your love of children, and be a good example.  These children need a home where they can feel loved and supported.  Where they can learn to stand up for themselves and answer proudly that their family is a foster family.  Be proud of who you are and what you are doing because there are not enough families willing to become a foster family.  Since we are in the public eye anyway, I encourage you to take the opportunity to educate others either through discussion or example.  

  

Aging Out of the Foster Care System

 In the foster care world, there has been a lot discussion about children aging out of the system. It is a topic that I have stayed away from because it is a difficult for me to wrap my mind around. Aging out is the official term used by professionals to describe a foster care child who has technically become an adult and has been turned loose in the world. Each state has different ages when the child is termed an adult. In Michigan, the laws were changed in the beginning of 2013 to continue supporting a foster child until the age of 21. This was an exciting change for human service providers because it meant that a foster family would be able to continue parenting the child into adulthood. 

My oldest son is 22 years old and is very independent. He is attending a community college certification in auto body repair. He has a part time job in his field already and has a second job on the side at an auto parts store. As you can see, cars are his passion and he is well on his way to supporting himself. I am very proud of how hard he works and how focused he is on his goals. Would he be this successful if his father and I had decided that he didn't need any further parenting on the day he turned 18? Probably not. We continue to support him financially to help him complete his degree. We co-signed on a loan so that he could buy his first car.  His Uncle is in the auto insurance business and gave him his first job. He has worked on cars for years in our garage and used his father's tools to build his love of working on cars. As a mom, I still buy him clothing when I notice that his jeans have become too raggedy for wearing out in public. I question him to make sure he is paying his monthly bills and help him make phone calls when things get challenging. This is what my parents did for me and I believe it to be just another stage of parenting. I can't imagine cutting off parental support at 18 or 21 just because the child has reached "adulthood."

About five years ago, my daughter brought home a young man she had met in high school. His name was Matt and he was very tall. My youngest kids were fascinated by his height and he enjoyed picking them up so they could touch the ceiling. He started hanging out at the house, sleeping over, and eating some food. It was not unusual for my kids to bring home other kids who they thought needed an extra hand or something to eat. Matt fell into this category. When the stray kids start eating at my house, I start asking questions. I learned that Matt was a foster child and his foster family lived and worked at the federal prison that employs many people in my home town. At another meal I learned that he thought his foster family didn't like him very much. When he started showing up at my house during the day, I found out that he liked to skip school and may not graduate on time. At this point, I began to wonder about his foster family. How come they didn't stop him from skipping school. Why was he always spending the night at my house? As graduation neared, I found out that Matt was going to be 18 years old in June and he need a place to live. More questions produced the response that when he turned 18 he was done with foster care and his foster family was going to toss him out. Before I could pursue this problem, Matt was arrested for stealing cars and found a new home in jail for at least a year. I have not heard from him since but I think about him often.

At the time, I didn't realize that what happened to Matt was a common occurrence for foster children who are aging out of the system. These are children that have never been adopted and never sent home to their birth families but have remained in the system for years. Homelessness, jail sentences and criminal behavior are common side effects of their life in the system. I became aware of the problem when I began working as a professional in the field of foster care and found that youth aging out of the system was a common topic at meetings. Things have very recently changed for young adults in the this situation. The first change was continuing foster care support until the age of 21. The second change is an amazing number of new programs designed to help kids in this situation. There are many programs providing support in financial areas, independent living schools, and attending college. Just a few of the programs that I have come across in my work are:  Our House, The Connection,  and CareHouse. There are many more out there. If you would like more information on the services I am aware of, just send me an email. The third change in the system was in permanency planning. The system now works hard to form a permanency plan for a child in the system within one year of becoming a foster child. The child will either return home to his birth family, find a home with relatives, or become available for adoption. This is the most important change that will pay off in the long run. No longer will children just remain in the system for years until they become a statistic in jail or on the street. Foster families are playing a very important role in these changes too.

When I first met Matt, I fell into the trap of judging his foster parents. I wondered why he was running loose in the community with no supervision. I realize now that they were at the end of their rope with Matt and did not know how to help him any longer. His behavior had become unbearable on the rest of the family and there weren't any programs out there to help a child like Matt. His foster family did the best that they could under the circumstances and Matt resisted any attempts to encourage him to change. Looking at my own children, I cannot imagine pushing them out the door on their 18th birthday. They are not ready to be completely independent of the family's love and support yet. Matt's story is a common one and the blame is often placed on the foster home. They are labeled as people who are only in foster care for the money or as people who don't care The real story is that Matt's foster family did care about him and did everything they could to help him. With the changes in the system, foster families are partners with the agency and the birth family to help the child receive the services needed and find a family of their own.  I am glad that there are family's in this State that are willing to open their home's to a child in need and do everything they can to help that child succeed in life. Loving foster families are truly the key to preventing another child from becoming a statistic.

Foster Care and Finances

All is well at my house. Christmas was pretty good, New Year Eve was peaceful and the kids have had three snow days in a row. That means that I don't have to do my crossing guard job in the polar freeze that is happening in Michigan right now. (Yeah me!) We had some bumpy patches during Christmas vacation but on the bizarre scale that I judge my life by nothing caused a great deal of upset. Nobody is in jail, everyone old enough has a job, and we spent some good family time together. That is all I can ask at this point. On one super positive note, my oldest son plowed the driveway everyday this week with his dump truck and his girl friend did the sidewalks. I didn't have to pick up a shovel until the end of the big snow. (Again with the yeah me!) January is usually the month where my mind focuses on the family finances because I am always digging out from the financial avalanche caused by Christmas and tax season is ahead. In my professional life, helping foster parents obtain financial assistance has become a surprising aspect of licensing.

I work with several families who are becoming licensed to be a kinship foster family. A kinship foster family occurs when a member of a family becomes the primary caregiver for another family member's children. Typically it is grandparents fostering their grandchildren, but it can be an aunt, uncle or cousin taking the children into their home.  A kinship foster family is eligible to receive foster care reimbursements from the State of Michigan as a regular foster family would. This is tremendously helpful for retired grandparents who are suddenly shouldering the financial burden that children bring when they may already be retired and out of the work force. These payments are intended to assist with food, housing, and clothing for the children and are an important part of the foster care system. Imagine having a ten year old suddenly move into your house. The child will immediately need clothing (because they rarely come with more than a few days worth of clothes) and school supplies right away. A ten year old is another mouth at the table and the grocery bill is going to go up. Add in doctor appointments and visitation with the birth parents and your gas bill has skyrocketed. A baby or a toddler is even more expensive with the necessities of diapers and formula. Finances for a foster family can get tight very quickly. Kinship families also need to go through the licensing process which can take up to six months. Once the license is official, reimbursements can begin and things get easier.  When my husband and I were exploring the idea of becoming foster parents, he was very concerned about the financial side of things. We were both willing to provide for a child who may return home but we did not have buckets of money sitting around waiting to be spent on a needy child. I was a stay at home mom and we were living on one income. An important piece of information that every foster parent needs to know is that will take up to six weeks for the flow of money from the State to get going. This information did not come up at any of the training sessions we attended and caused a lot of frustration.  Kinship families are looking at a much longer wait because of the licensing process.  This information would not have dampened my desire to become a foster parent, but it would have helped me plan better. So I am sharing it with you and underlining it so that you don't miss it.

My husband and I look at children very differently.  Once I have a child in my home and in my arms, money does not enter my head.  I think that when a child comes through our door that my husband can see dollar signs floating above the child's head.  The younger the child, the more dollar signs are there.  I am mocking my husband affectionately because his skill at budgeting enables us to share our home with children in need.  We had one little guy who was about 5 years old arrive on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend.  He was an emergency placement because he was one of five siblings and there were no homes with enough beds available to accommodate the entire sibling group.  Many foster families were full or on vacation because of the holiday.  So the social worker quickly located three homes and split the group up until other arrangements could be made. This child arrived in a very dirty state with wet shoes and no clothing.  His shoes smelled so bad that I knew they needed to be thrown away.  Usually, I like to let a child feel more at home before we tackle the challenges of bathing.  However, this child needed a bath immediately and clean clothing to wear afterwords.  Luckily, I had some clothing that was close to his size and we made due. Here is another valuable tip, always have some extra clothing around in various sizes for an emergency. Sweat pants, t-shirts and pajamas are some of the best to keep on hand.  I did not have any shoes in his size so I sent my husband down to the store to purchase some.  The little guy left our home three days later in new shoes and with several changes of clothing that he was comfortable in.  This is not an unusual scenario in the foster care world and can create quite a financial drain on foster families.

Another issue that pops up from time to time in the newspaper are families who claim to be loving foster families when they are in fact a group home and just in the business to earn money.  These are people who take in more children than they can possibly care for.  We have all read these kinds of stories with over-sized families where a child is abused or neglected and the family is accused of just taking in children for the State money.  This really does happen and both the family and the agency that allows it are at fault.  The downside is that good foster families who just want to help a child are stereotyped into this category and it discourages new families from signing up to foster.  When I am training new families, I tell them that there is no way to make money from taking in foster children if you are doing it correctly.  A child has needs and the amount the State pays is just enough to cover those needs.

If you are thinking about becoming a foster parent, I recommend that you ask questions and do some research to learn about the financial impact on your family.  Visit the Department of Human Services website in your state to find out what the daily rate is for foster families.  Ask your licensing worker about day care costs, clothing allowances, and medical care.  A good agency will also be able to refer you to local programs where you can get gently used clothes and children's furniture at low cost or free.  Foster families automatically qualify for food stamps and WIC to help with food and formula costs.  It is important that foster families use these programs to prevent financial strain on personal finances.   I will be honest and share that my husband was very uncomfortable accepting food stamps from the government.  However, at one point, we had three foster children in our home and they all needed three meals a day.  So I went down and applied for the assistance.  We both learned that food stamps enabled us to better help the children in our home.  I learned to be proud of the fact that we were a foster family helping children who had already suffered more than any child should.  I found that when more people knew what we did, that more help would often arrive unasked for.  Many people donated clothing, some provided scholarships for extra curricular activities, and some babysat for us.  I did not go around wearing a sign and begging for help.  I just was just honest about the children in our home and the word spread through the community.

I want other families to be able to welcome a foster child into their home and not have to worry about the financial strain .  I hope by sharing my knowledge that I can make another family's foster care journey a little easier.  

Nobody is Perfect

I have been learning to juggle lately is ways that I never have before.   As a mom to five children and a few extra, juggling is second nature to me.  I thought that I had the process down to a science.  I know how to mix volunteering at school, working at my church, managing family events and how to handle Christmas.  It hasn't always been pretty but I have think I have managed pretty well.  However, today all my balls in the air came tumbling down and hit me in the head.  I really should have seen it coming because I know that I have been stretching my skills to their limit lately.  The big change for me has been in my career.  In November, I started working at the office instead of working out my home and increased my hours.  I thought it was going to be no big deal.  After all, I was already doing the "job" from my home.   I warned my husband that it was going to take me about a month to manage this new change in my life and I apologized ahead of time for the grumpiness that I knew he was going to live with for awhile.  He is a good guy and is up for the challenge.   Up until today, the worst casualty was Christmas shopping.  I am going to shamefully admit that I started my shopping on December 17, a measly 8 days before Christmas.  With 20 people to buy for in 8 days it is safe to say that my stress level has been on the rise for the last week or so.  So before I share the perfect storm of events that hit me today, I want to share some of the thoughts that have been cooking in my brain lately.

                So yesterday, I dragged my husband to the store and began the Christmas shopping because I knew that I really could not put it off any longer.  After spending way too much money, I put the kids to bed and collapsed on the couch to watch on of my favorite shows, The Little Couple.  The Learning Channel is showing reruns of the episodes where this couple is adopting a child from China and I am really enjoying their story.  This couple is adopting a special needs child who is little, just like themselves, and every where they went in China there are crowds of people staring at them in the background.  The thought flashed through my head that just because they have experience with this child's upcoming physical challenges, does not mean this will be an easy road to travel.     That is thought number one.

                The second thought came from my 8 year old son.  He was fighting with his brother and called him a stupid head.  This is pretty normal stuff for my house and I used one of my standard lines on him.  I said, "He is your brother with the same blood and the same brain, if you call him stupid, you are just calling yourself stupid too."  This usually works and the name calling stops.  However, he looked right at me and said, "No it doesn't.  I am adopted and I have different blood."  I did not know what to say to that one so I just turned and walked away!  I mentioned to my husband that Nathan seems to becoming more aware of his adoption roots and we should probably pay a little attention to that subject with him.  I didn't give this another thought until this morning when the ball were bouncing off my head.

                The third thought was courtesy of my teenage son with the substance abuse issues.  I am sure you remember him.  He came home last night in such a drugged stupor that he couldn't put two words together or walk in a straight line.  Upon witnessing this behavior, several panic buttons went off.  He drove home like this (holy cow!!!!!!!!!).  Is he going to fall asleep and not wake up??!!!!!!!!!!  Here is new one that was planted in my brain by his counselor this week, is he having suicidal thoughts that he might act on?  Needless to say, I did not get a lot of sleep that night and my thoughts went a little crazy.  The third thought was a doozy and went something like this.  I am tired and frustrated with this child and I don't know what to do anymore.  I wished I could ship him back to where he came from.  Unfortunately, Jason is my biological child and return postage on him is impossible.  I didn't really mean it anyway but combined with my thoughts above, I hit a nerve within myself. 

                At Nathan's adoption ceremony in the judges chamber, I remember the judge asking me and my husband if we would care for this child in sickness and health and support him financially for the rest of his life.  It was almost the same language as traditional wedding ceremony and it was very touching to me.   It was that moment when a new parent realizes that they are completely responsible for this small person.  It happened to me with my firstborn son too when I realized that the nurse wasn't coming back to change his diaper.  That was my job and he was my responsibility.  Whether a parent is having this epiphany in the judge's chambers or in the hospital with a newborn, the feeling is the same.  I am signing up for all the wonderfulness of raising a child and all the awfulness of raising a child.  I am committed to loving this child when he plugs in an iron and melts a perfect triangle into the living room carpet.  I am committed to receiving every last hug that he will give me until he grows up and gets embarrassed hugging his mother.  I am committed to paying his bail and fishing him out of jail if he is picked up by the police.  I am committed to watching  him marry the girl of his choice someday.    I am promising to take the good with the bad, no matter what method my child arrived by.   

                This morning I was dashing around making multiple lunches and packing backpacks when I realized that the stuffing mix I had bought to send to school for a holiday party had been opened and half eaten the day before by an annoying teenager.  I realized that another annoying  teenager had parked his car behind mine and his car keys are nowhere to be found.  Jason is still laying on the couch in a drugged stupor and another child just  missed the bus.  I knew at that point that I was going to be late for my crossing guard job and I would have to be late for my office job to drop off the child who missed the bus.  Sitting in line at the school a half an hour later, I realized that if that judge had told me about a morning like this, I would never have believed him, but I would have still signed my name on that paper.  There are no guarantees that the child who arrives in your arms will be perfect or that no bad thing will happen in the future.  Parenting is the most amazing, rewarding, craziest and dirty job that I can think of in life.  Potential foster and adoptive parents have the added burden of choosing this occupation on purpose.  Some birth parents do too but not all of them.  Is the choice too scary?  Sometimes it is and people choose not be parents.  I think that foster and adoptive parents have to be more fearless than others because often a child's flaws are laid out in black and white on paper as the parent decides if this child is a good match.  It is an almost incomprehensible choice to me.  If the nurse had handed me a piece of paper listing the troubles that Jason would experience in his life, I may have run in the other direction!  My advice to parents who are thinking about fostering or adopting a child is to remember that the snapshot that you see of my difficult son is just how the picture looks today.  He has so much potential as a human being that I cannot give up on him.  The positive things in his future are worth the fight.  Jason wants to be a chef.  I can picture him with children and a wife.  He will make an amazing husband and father some day.  Nathan may want to find his birth parents someday and I am prepared to help him do that.  They are a part of who he is.  Parenthood is a journey with towering highs and unbearable lows.  I am not a perfect parent and my kids are not perfect kids, but together we are a family.  I recommend the journey of parenthood to anyone who is brave enough to try.  Tomorrow morning I am going to have an umbrella handy just in case my juggling fails again.  

                

Home Inspection for a Foster Care License

Before I launch into my monthly thoughts about foster care and the latest topic of home inspections, I want to share a quick update on my son Jason.  I am happy to report that he is doing very well.   He has been meeting with his probation officer as required and has made progress on arranging community service for himself.   The best part of probation requirements for me are the monthly drug tests.   He is required to be tested each time he visits with his probation officer.  This removes the responsibility from my shoulders and also assures me that he is drug free.   At least for now.  To his credit, he is proud of his clean drug tests.  For other parents navigating the world of probation, the probation office does not report on his progress to me unless I call and ask.  This fact makes me a little crazy as a mother because my son is still a minor.  Apparently the age of 17 is a shady zone where teachers still report on his progress and he can drive a car but he can be arrested and jailed without the knowledge of his parents.  This really bugs me because he is either a minor or he isn't and I want to know what is going on at all times!  I am truly happy with his progress but I also have not let go of my doubts about his future.  He has been through probation as a juvenile offender and did well then too.  It did not stop him from using drugs after probation was finished back then and I am worried that he will go right back to old habits as he did before.  I have set up some counseling for him and I am hoping that it will make a difference in the long run.  One of the hardest lessons that I have learned from parenting teenagers is that they progress in baby steps and often take a few steps back before moving forward.  I am just going to remain in a holding pattern for awhile and enjoy my drug free son for now.

 

This week's topic is about home inspections that are done by a worker as part of the licensing process to become a foster parent.  I remember when mine was done because it was very stressful.   I remember cleaning the house from top to bottom, including the closets.  At that time, I had three children between the ages of 10 and 6 years old and 2 dogs.  Keeping a clean house with that many children and animals was a significant challenge.  When I say "clean house" I am not just talking about picked up rooms and a clean kitchen with no dirty pans in the sink.  I am referring to the kind of clean that only happens when I am selling my house.   This includes, no clutter, shiny floors, no stains on the carpet and neat closets.  I will freely admit that this level of clean in my house does not happen on a daily basis.  It was very stressful for me and I know it is stressful for others as well.

The home visit is usually done right at the beginning of the process.  It is an opportunity for the social worker to get to know the family and get some paperwork done at the same time.  I will call and schedule about a 2 hour visit to complete the entire inspection.  I am always careful to let the family know that I will want to see the entire home and take some measurements.  I also will want to measure the temperature of the water to ensure that the water heater is set appropriately.  I believe in giving fair warning to give the family time to prepare but some workers may not.  I recommend that a new foster family ask what each visit will involve so that there are no surprises.

In Michigan (rules may vary by state) all potential foster families receive a rule book called, "Licensing Rules For Foster Family Homes and Foster Family Group Homes for Children."  This book contains a complete list of all rules and regulations that a foster home must meet before the licensing process is complete.  It is green if you want to pick it out quickly from the stack of paperwork you probably already have.  The four page check list carried by the social worker is entirely based upon these rules.   And now we have reached the place where the social worker in me crashes head first into the foster parent I used to be.   The foster parent me can't believe that some of these rules actually had to be written down, while the social worker  in me is worried that someone may actually break these rules and harm a child.  Most of these rules are common sense issues.  The home has to be up to building code standards to be a foster home.  You will need hot and cold running water and a reliable sewer system to be a foster family.  Believe it or not, some people don't always have these things.  Smoke detectors and a carbon monoxide detector are also required.  These things make perfect sense to me.  What doesn't make sense is the list of places that do not qualify as a bedroom.  The list includes:  the hallway, a closet, a stairway (on top of or under like Harry Potter!) a garage, or a shed.  Who would use a shed as a bedroom in this world?  Apparently someone did because now there is a rule in the rule book for it. 

What is the social worker really looking for during the home inspection?  We are looking for a safe and healthy environment for a child.  I know that my families are going to clean and stress over the visit but they do not need to go overboard to scrub and organize every inch.   I do not need to look in your closets (unless there is suspicious smell coming from there) and I will not disqualify you for spider webs in the corner or the stain on the carpet that is permanent.  You made need to finish up the bathroom that you have been remodeling for a long time or complete the half finished deck outside.   A worker will make these recommendations as part of the home tour to help you understand the rules and not to pass judgment on your personal living space.  Licensing workers have seen been to a lot of homes as part of their jobs.  It is safe to say that we have seen some crazy things.  The odds are good that your home is not going to stand out as one of the crazy ones if you truly care about helping a child.  The reality of foster care is that your home will become an open book as part of the process.  Licensing workers are only the start of the parade of people who will visit your home.  A case worker will come once a month, the child's lawyer will visit before each court date and many service providers will use your home as a meeting place.  Don't let this scare you away from the process.  Social workers and lawyers have homes with flaws too.  My most embarrassing moment happened when my foster son's lawyer came for a visit.  I picked up and ran the vacuum to make my family room presentable for company and went to answer the door.  By the time I had answered the door and he had removed his shoes, my dog had thrown up on the carpet, right in front of the chair that I would have put him in!  He was a good sport as I quickly cleaned it up and moved him into the kitchen, that I had not prepared for company.   Thank goodness he didn't mind when I had to move the breakfast dishes from the table that I had left in order to clean up the family room for him and he even held the baby through the entire incident. I didn't die of embarrassment as I thought that I might but I did learn to prepare both the family room and the kitchen for a visit, just in case!

I know that there are people out there who always have a neat and clean home that is ready for company at a moment's notice.  My mother is proudly one of those people and I admire her for it.  I proudly admit that I am not one of those people (and my mother knows this about me too!).    I have too many children and pets to even dream of staying ahead of the mess created by day to day living.  However, my home is a safe, mostly clean, loving environment to raise children in and that is what a child coming into foster care really needs.   So try and let go of some of that stress that is rolling around inside you at the thought of a stranger looking at your home.  As I have said before, there are not enough foster parents in the State of Michigan to take care of all the children in need of homes.  You do not have to be perfect or have the perfect home to be a foster parent.   We will accept you as you are!

Honesty Comes with a Price Tag

My readers often leave comments that show their appreciation for my honesty.  I love those comment because they encourage me to continue writing and it is a great feeling to know that I can help others with this crazy life of mine.  However, I often sit in front of my computer and wonder how I am going to share my latest thoughts without sharing more than I really intend to.  For instance, I am pretty sure that most of my co-workers, personal friends, and my church family are regular readers.   As I was writing my last post, Motherhood is Complicated, I really thought hard about writing about my son and his current challenges.  Did I really want to announce  that my child had been arrested and I was in agony over his choices to everyone?    Not really!  I chose to be more subtle than a direct statement by the time the post was complete.  However, I have had a change of heart since I wrote that last post.   One of the perks of reading the blog of a stranger is getting to peek in someone else's window.   For me as a reader, it is about connecting with someone who may be going through the same things that I am and learning from their experiences.   So I have decided that as a writer I would like to be as honest as I can be to help others who want to become foster parents.

So now I am going to serve up some real honesty about my son and his situation even if it gets a little embarrassing to do so.   Jason is 17 years old and a very friendly guy.  He loves people and he has many friends.  His teacher's love having him in class, even though he is an under achieving student (that translates to borderline failing sometimes).  He gives me a hug everyday just because he wants too.  For this mother, he has been a joy to raise until he became a teenager.  Jason's biggest flaw is that he bows to peer pressure far too easily.   I believe following his friends into the world of cigarettes, then marijuana, and now maybe some prescription pills was his downfall.  I am not saying that Jason is not at fault for the decisions that he has made but I do believe that it started because he just didn't say no.  It can be very humiliating to share the details of Jason's struggle because I spend plenty of time wondering what I did wrong and judging myself as a parent.  I am just too raw and wounded to take words about the situation from anyone else.  As a parent, I am always working on Jason's problems.  He has many problems in school and it is an on-going project to keep him in high school with passing grades.  This year he started his senior year at the third high school of his academic career.  I am sure I will post in the future about helping a troubled child to become a success in school.   Right now I am helping him navigate probation and community service as a consequence of his arrest.  Counseling and substance abuse help are also rotating through his life.   I have reluctantly acquired a great deal of knowledge about how to help a troubled teenager. 

I am sharing Jason's story with my readers because life is not perfect and sometimes the life of foster parent becomes much more difficult that ever imagined.   In fact, many of my clients start out with stars in their eyes hoping to bring home their perfect forever child.  Yes, that does happen but that perfect child brings their own personality and past trauma with them.  Good social workers are open and honest about each child entering a new family.   However, the reality of foster care is that social workers often do not have much information before the child is placed.  I had a child placed in my home for two weeks before I found out that I was calling this beautiful baby by the wrong name!  The birth parents had used a fake name when dealing with child protective services.  Thankfully, the child doesn't remember that little mix up!  Regardless of where the child came from there are unknown challenges ahead in the journey of parenting.  Jason happens to be my biological child but I have faced challenging behavior from my foster children too.  I know that he grew up in a loving environment and was taught about the dangers of drug use because I was there!  If there is a perfect child out there, I have yet to find him or her.  Adoptive and foster parents should realize that there will be challenges ahead and they should be fully committed to work through the issues.   Putting the child back on a plane to Russia or selling the child to someone else are not available options to those of us who are not insane.  I confess to some serious self pity and a full day (or two) of wondering why this would happen in my family but I forced myself to get over that quickly and buckle in to figure out what to do next. 

Being a foster mom has taught me that there is always a solution to a situation.  I am not sure what it is but I work hard to find it.  Start with your agency resources.  Call your case worker.  Go to support group where you can talk freely about what is going on in your home.  Other foster moms often have ideas to share.  These woman are miracle workers when it comes to bed wetting, hoarding and public tantrums.  In Jason's case, I received very valuable advice from an unexpected source.  Jason was required to go to court and refused to allow me to get him a lawyer.  I was scared to death he was going to be tossed straight into jail.  The prosecuter (of all people!) called us into his office before Jason was to see the judge and walked us through the process.  He advised me to participate in probation meetings and to not be afraid to call and request a drug test if I felt it was necessary.  I felt like I had some power again and some tools to use to help my son and it lifted a portion of the burden off of my shoulders. 

 

I have found that the price of honesty is worth paying because other people are willing to lend a hand or a good piece of advice and share the burden.  The youth leader at my church is willing to encourage Jason to come to youth night again.   My best friend is willing to listen to my woes at lunch and lend a shoulder to cry on.   Once the probation officer knew that Jason's parents wanted to be a part of the process, her entire attitude changed.  Yes, I am embarrassed, okay mortified is a better word.  But if I were to keep this burden all to myself, I would not have found these wonderful people who are so willing to lend a hand. The best reward of all is that I have found some hope again and the strength to keep fighting my way through this challenge.   I will keep all of you posted and hope that I have some better news to share about Jason in my next post. 

Motherhood is Complicated

I have been pondering motherhood a lot lately.  The cause for all of this pondering is, of course, my children.   My 17 year old has made some very poor choices lately and as a mother, I am taking that very personally.   It causes me to question how good a mother I truly am.  That sentence sounds even more horrible when I read it again.  Why would a mother of five and foster mother to six  question how good she is at being a mother?   Because that is what mother's do!!!!!!  At least all of the mother's that I know do. 

My relationship with my own mother has been complicated over the years.  I have always loved my mother but it has been a rocky relationship.  I couldn't stand her during my teenage years and I will shamefully admit to a low point in my 20's when I didn't speak to her for two years.  When she became Grandma to my children, I realized how much I needed her presence in my life.  Now that I am in my forties we have finally found a wonderful friendship.  Understanding my relationship with my mother is important because she taught me how to be a mother.

 Many people who are thinking about foster care, wonder what kind  of mother they will be.  I recommend taking a good honest look at your  own mother.  Chances are high that your style will be similar.  There is a certain amount  of fear (or maybe fearlessness!) involved in becoming a foster mother.   Fear of the unknown is a big factor.  Will the child have uncontrollable behavior issues?  Will I have to let go of a child?  Can I love a stranger's child?  Will the child like me?  There is fear deeply rooted in these questions because the answers can only be found in the experience.  I use the word fearlessness because becoming a foster parents means setting aside inner fears and learning as you go. 

I have a dear friend with children in the same age range as mine.  We often get together for lunch to swap stories, complain, and support each other.    She has been a true friend and great support for me when life is overwhelming.  I think she is a wonderful mother, actually a better mother than I am in many respects.  She thinks that is the silliest thing she has ever heard.  What we both agree on is that it is very difficult to see yourself realistically or objectively when deeply involved in the emotional ups and downs of raising children.  Maybe I will see myself in a crystal clear way when I am a retired empty nester.   In the meantime, I give myself permission to question my ability and cry over my son's difficulties whenever necessary. 

Why does all this matter?  Well, I had an epiphany on Monday about motherhood.  When I was young, all I wanted to be was a mother.   Not just any normal mother.  I wanted to be the perfect mother and do it so much better than my mother did (youth is so full of pride!).   Fast forward 20 years and 11 children later and I have a son who is making bed decisions.  I spent a morning wondering what I had done wrong.  The answer I came to accept by late afternoon is that I have done my best.   I have loved and supported my children to the best of my ability.  My son is 17 years old and had gone and made bad choices all on his own.  I can no longer control his destiny even though all I want to do is fix things and make it all better.  My mother did her best too.  Children grow up and start making decisions for themselves and even mother of the year can't change that fact. 

Foster children need mothers who are willing to do their best to provide love and support.  They don't need a perfect mother.  They just need someone who cares.  There were many things about my foster children's lives that I could not change that broke my heart.  I could not take away the pain of their past, but I learned that I can love them towards their future.  That is what I can continue to do for my son  as he works to dig himself out of the hole he has made in his own life.  I don't need to be a perfect mother, I just need to keep trying and do the best that I can.