There is one subject that comes up more than any other when I am discussing foster care with people. Potential foster parents want to know how they will be able to let go when it is time for the child to leave. People say, "I could never foster a child because I would love them too much and would not be able to give them up." Unfortunately, this heartbreak is built into the system. Foster parents are asked to open their homes and their hearts. A foster family builds bonds of love and trust because that is what the child needs to heal from the trauma they have experienced in their lives. The family does this knowing that the child will eventually return to the birth family. As with most things, this potential heartbreak is not easy to define.
I had to let go of one of my kids this week. My emotions are a tangle ball of yarn as I begin the process of adjusting to a family member missing from my home. Shelly has been with our family for 10 months. My husband and I taught her to drive and helped her buy her first car. I cheered her on in her school work and helped her work through her emotions over her birth family. She became one of our own during those months. Now she is gone and her room is empty. Her car is not parked in front of my house. There is this huge, gaping space where she supposed to be. The grief of a mother is a real and tangible thing when I comes to fostering kids.
However, there is another side to this heartbreak that is very difficult to explain to people who have not fostered before. I would like to try and explain so that other's can learn about the reality of taking in a stranger's child. My relationship with Shelly was not all roses and smiles. We had our difficult times too. For most of the the 10 months that she lived with us, Shelly was glued to my side. She wanted to go where ever I went and kept up a constant stream of chatter. This is fine for a few days, but after weeks of Shelly time, I was begging my husband for some reprieve. I spent a lot of my own personal money on the things that Shelly needed. She came to us with one small bag of clothes and one pair of shoes. She had no friends in our small town because she did not go to school here. That meant that she had no friends nearby to connect with. She was always here. This changed as she got more comfortable but for the most part, Shelly was always in the house. What I am nicely saying is that Shelly was emotionally and sometimes financially a source of constant stress for me. Now that she has moved out, I feel that burden of stress slowly lifting. I woke up this morning and only my little boys were up and about. The older kids had gone to work. It was a wonderful feeling to feel comfortable again.
When I let go of a child who has been with me for a long time the feelings are always two sided. Sadness and relief. Stress and freedom. Sometimes a foster family is glad to let a difficult child go, and that is a normal feeling. Fostering kids causes us to reach deep inside ourselves and act outside of our comfort zone. It is a relief when things return to the comfort zone. It is part of the process to have good, bad, or ambivalent feelings about a child leaving. When someone asks me how I handle the heartbreak of sending a child home, I tell them that I am sad and I am happy. I will miss Shelly and I will cry over that loss. However, I will also be happy that she is on a new path and I can have some privacy in my own home again.
Blog Picture
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Blowing Sunshine
My sister-in-law has the most wonderful saying called blowing sunshine. This is her special way of reminding me that I am being far to positive or upbeat about something that is really not that cheerful at all. This phrase jumped right to the front of my brain as I was chatting with another foster parent about my blog. I tend to see most things in life in a very positive way. I guess I am just built that way or it may be a defense mechanism to all the craziness going on around me. I know that I tend to write in this manner also. The reality of foster parenting is not nearly as sunny a topic as I often write it. In my defense, I tend to write more about my experiences that have happened a few years ago. Time has a way of softening the edges of painful memories. Regardless of blowing sunshine or raging tornadoes, I would not trade my experiences for anything in the world.
I am just like anyone else in this world with problems and emotions that often get the better of me. Being a foster parent is just plain hard, emotional work. My emotions can change from day to day or hour to hour. There are moments when I love my foster children so much my I get tears in my eyes when I look at them. Five minutes later, I feel so frustrated I could scream and there is not a drop of love to be found. Foster children bring the worst kinds of behavior with them from their past experiences and it takes time (and more time) to change their behavior in a positive way. I spent 6 months with one particular child teaching them not to be a thief. This child would go to school and take school supplies from other kids desks. One time she "borrowed" a personal item from the teachers desk. I was horrified and embarrassed the first time the teach called me. I went through the steps with the child of apologizing, returning the item, and punishment. She immediately stole another item the very next week. There was another embarrassing chat with the teacher and another round of punishment. This cycle repeated itself for six months. I wondered if I was a bad parent. I wondered if she was a bad kid that could not be fixed. I felt like a complete and total failure as a foster parent. I cried many tears of frustration and hopelessness. Now here is the part where I can apply the blowing sunshine phrase. After six months, she finally learned!!! The teacher and I formed a close relationship and worked closely together to help this child. I learned what advocating for a child truly meant. I learned that changing a child's behavior takes a long time. I became a better parent and now I can write about it in a positive way without mentioning the dirty looks I received from other parents at school events (that made me want to hide in my house and never come out). That is blowing sunshine!
I think our foster kids need someone who can look past the horrible behavior and see the potential a child has inside. Sometimes it is very, very hard to see, but I keep looking. I can't helping looking because I have seen the positive results of a child who learns how to overcome their behavior. The teenagers in my house have stretched my positive thinking to its outer limits. If I judge them by their current behavior I may be raising the most lazy, greedy, and disrespectful kids on the planet. Even their grandparents look at me strangely when I tell them how much progress a certain teenager in my family (who shall remain nameless) has made. It seems hopeless, maybe it is. It depends on what day you ask me. My answer to all doubting relatives is that I am not going to give up on my kids. I will keep working with them, hoping for the best, and keep on blowing sunshine no matter what life throws at me.
I am just like anyone else in this world with problems and emotions that often get the better of me. Being a foster parent is just plain hard, emotional work. My emotions can change from day to day or hour to hour. There are moments when I love my foster children so much my I get tears in my eyes when I look at them. Five minutes later, I feel so frustrated I could scream and there is not a drop of love to be found. Foster children bring the worst kinds of behavior with them from their past experiences and it takes time (and more time) to change their behavior in a positive way. I spent 6 months with one particular child teaching them not to be a thief. This child would go to school and take school supplies from other kids desks. One time she "borrowed" a personal item from the teachers desk. I was horrified and embarrassed the first time the teach called me. I went through the steps with the child of apologizing, returning the item, and punishment. She immediately stole another item the very next week. There was another embarrassing chat with the teacher and another round of punishment. This cycle repeated itself for six months. I wondered if I was a bad parent. I wondered if she was a bad kid that could not be fixed. I felt like a complete and total failure as a foster parent. I cried many tears of frustration and hopelessness. Now here is the part where I can apply the blowing sunshine phrase. After six months, she finally learned!!! The teacher and I formed a close relationship and worked closely together to help this child. I learned what advocating for a child truly meant. I learned that changing a child's behavior takes a long time. I became a better parent and now I can write about it in a positive way without mentioning the dirty looks I received from other parents at school events (that made me want to hide in my house and never come out). That is blowing sunshine!
I think our foster kids need someone who can look past the horrible behavior and see the potential a child has inside. Sometimes it is very, very hard to see, but I keep looking. I can't helping looking because I have seen the positive results of a child who learns how to overcome their behavior. The teenagers in my house have stretched my positive thinking to its outer limits. If I judge them by their current behavior I may be raising the most lazy, greedy, and disrespectful kids on the planet. Even their grandparents look at me strangely when I tell them how much progress a certain teenager in my family (who shall remain nameless) has made. It seems hopeless, maybe it is. It depends on what day you ask me. My answer to all doubting relatives is that I am not going to give up on my kids. I will keep working with them, hoping for the best, and keep on blowing sunshine no matter what life throws at me.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Bonding is unpredictable
Professionals spend a lot of time teaching about bonding and attachment. We try very hard to teach a road map of methods for foster parents to use. I have attended many classes on the subject and I feel confident that I know what I am doing. I have practiced what I have learned on my foster, adopted, and even my birth kids. However, nothing has prepared me for that moment when bonding it actually happens.
The bonding trouble in my house is between siblings. Brynna is my biological daughter and has been the only girl in the family for most of her life. Any female foster kids have always been younger than Brynna. She has always enjoyed mothering them with me. This time around, Shelly has come to our family and she and Brynna are the same age (18). This is called "twinning" and can produce some extra problems. The fireworks began immediately. Brynna has never had to share her girly things like her make up, nail polish, and flat iron. Shelly has never had the amount of girls stuff that Brynna has collected. I have been working this problem for the beginning when Shelly arrived in October 2011. Right away I took Shelly shopping to get her the things that she needed. However, girls like to borrow each other's things. Many battles later, we have formed some ground rules that involvee asking before you borrow and return what you use. The ironic part of this crazy battle is that Brynna borrows Shelly's things as often as Shelly wants to use Brynna's things. By Christmas the girls had formed a working relationship that I was not happy with. They openly expressed disliked for each other and avoided each other at all costs. Brynna was jealous of any time I spent with Shelly and accused me of replacing her with another daughter that I liked better. I would grit my teeth and remind Brynna there is room enough in my heart for both daughters. I dragged out every technique I had been taught. I expressed my love for each girl. I spend time separately with each girl. I took them both out together to encourage a relationship. I agonized over this problem, wondering if I had destroyed my biological daughter's emotional well-being for life by taking in a foster child. As summer began, I truly gave up on these two girls forming a sisterly bond. I learned to live with the animosity and just worked on keeping it from breaking out into open warfare.
At this point I only have two choices. I can keep trudging down this road where the entire family is affected by hatred these girls have for each other. Or I can disrupt the placement and remove Shelly from our home. This is a question that foster parents need to face sometimes. There are times when preserving the family becomes more important than helping a foster child. It is an awful decision to have to make. In addition, Shelly has some very specific circumstances that most kids do not have. I could not simply call my social worker and have a new foster family found for her. However, potential foster parents need to know that when there is trouble of this kind, your workers should be kept informed. The agency will work to provided services and support to work through these difficulties. Then if the situation is still impossible, the child can be placed in another foster home.
By the end of June I was still dragging my feet and trying to figure out what to do. Shelly is not a legal foster child, she is just a teenager that I took in from an abusive situation. My options are limited and I frankly don't know what to do. I had planned a trip to Cedar Point as a birthday present for Jason who is turning 16. He also wanted to leave Shelly at home and not include her in a family outing. This is against my parenting rules and not allowed. My solution was to allow each teenager to take a friend. Then using the buddy system, I could turn them loose at Cedar Point. It is a big place and I figured that they couldn't possibly continue the fight at the best amusement park around. Silly me! Jason and his buddy took off for the day and had a great time. Thanks goodness. Brynna and her friend made it until dinner time riding the rides together and seeming to have a good time. After dinner, Brynna's friend took off without a cell phone refusing to hang out with Brynna any longer. Cedar Point is a big place and I was in a panic wondering how I was going to find this girl with no cell phone. Then Shelly's buddy pulled the same stunt. She is gone into the acreage at Cedar Point with no cell phone. Now here is the crazy unbelievable part of this plot. Shelly and Brynna team up, united in their anger at their respective friends. They set out to find them and drag them back to the car by the 10:00pm curfew I had set. Several hours later, the two girls arrive back towing their misplaced friends and acting like the best buddies in the world. Now, several weeks later, the girls go shopping together, share their stuff, and hang out together like they have always been the best of friends. I am left shaking my head in bewilderment?? What happened??
My two daughters are now enjoying being sisters. The hatred is completely gone. I am going to take some credit for this miraculous change just because I persevered and kept trying new things. However, the reality is that the stars just aligned in the proper line and things changed. The best explanation I have is the old wives tales, "nobody can hate my sister except me." Training to be a foster parent is very, very important. You do not know what circumstances are going to unfold with each placement. Learn as much as you can about a variety of subjects. When you land in the middle of chaos, ask questions, ask for help, and do not give up. Let your social worker and the agency help you. Good things often come from chaos. I am hoping that chaos will take a vacation from my home for awhile. I have had more than enough!
The bonding trouble in my house is between siblings. Brynna is my biological daughter and has been the only girl in the family for most of her life. Any female foster kids have always been younger than Brynna. She has always enjoyed mothering them with me. This time around, Shelly has come to our family and she and Brynna are the same age (18). This is called "twinning" and can produce some extra problems. The fireworks began immediately. Brynna has never had to share her girly things like her make up, nail polish, and flat iron. Shelly has never had the amount of girls stuff that Brynna has collected. I have been working this problem for the beginning when Shelly arrived in October 2011. Right away I took Shelly shopping to get her the things that she needed. However, girls like to borrow each other's things. Many battles later, we have formed some ground rules that involvee asking before you borrow and return what you use. The ironic part of this crazy battle is that Brynna borrows Shelly's things as often as Shelly wants to use Brynna's things. By Christmas the girls had formed a working relationship that I was not happy with. They openly expressed disliked for each other and avoided each other at all costs. Brynna was jealous of any time I spent with Shelly and accused me of replacing her with another daughter that I liked better. I would grit my teeth and remind Brynna there is room enough in my heart for both daughters. I dragged out every technique I had been taught. I expressed my love for each girl. I spend time separately with each girl. I took them both out together to encourage a relationship. I agonized over this problem, wondering if I had destroyed my biological daughter's emotional well-being for life by taking in a foster child. As summer began, I truly gave up on these two girls forming a sisterly bond. I learned to live with the animosity and just worked on keeping it from breaking out into open warfare.
At this point I only have two choices. I can keep trudging down this road where the entire family is affected by hatred these girls have for each other. Or I can disrupt the placement and remove Shelly from our home. This is a question that foster parents need to face sometimes. There are times when preserving the family becomes more important than helping a foster child. It is an awful decision to have to make. In addition, Shelly has some very specific circumstances that most kids do not have. I could not simply call my social worker and have a new foster family found for her. However, potential foster parents need to know that when there is trouble of this kind, your workers should be kept informed. The agency will work to provided services and support to work through these difficulties. Then if the situation is still impossible, the child can be placed in another foster home.
By the end of June I was still dragging my feet and trying to figure out what to do. Shelly is not a legal foster child, she is just a teenager that I took in from an abusive situation. My options are limited and I frankly don't know what to do. I had planned a trip to Cedar Point as a birthday present for Jason who is turning 16. He also wanted to leave Shelly at home and not include her in a family outing. This is against my parenting rules and not allowed. My solution was to allow each teenager to take a friend. Then using the buddy system, I could turn them loose at Cedar Point. It is a big place and I figured that they couldn't possibly continue the fight at the best amusement park around. Silly me! Jason and his buddy took off for the day and had a great time. Thanks goodness. Brynna and her friend made it until dinner time riding the rides together and seeming to have a good time. After dinner, Brynna's friend took off without a cell phone refusing to hang out with Brynna any longer. Cedar Point is a big place and I was in a panic wondering how I was going to find this girl with no cell phone. Then Shelly's buddy pulled the same stunt. She is gone into the acreage at Cedar Point with no cell phone. Now here is the crazy unbelievable part of this plot. Shelly and Brynna team up, united in their anger at their respective friends. They set out to find them and drag them back to the car by the 10:00pm curfew I had set. Several hours later, the two girls arrive back towing their misplaced friends and acting like the best buddies in the world. Now, several weeks later, the girls go shopping together, share their stuff, and hang out together like they have always been the best of friends. I am left shaking my head in bewilderment?? What happened??
My two daughters are now enjoying being sisters. The hatred is completely gone. I am going to take some credit for this miraculous change just because I persevered and kept trying new things. However, the reality is that the stars just aligned in the proper line and things changed. The best explanation I have is the old wives tales, "nobody can hate my sister except me." Training to be a foster parent is very, very important. You do not know what circumstances are going to unfold with each placement. Learn as much as you can about a variety of subjects. When you land in the middle of chaos, ask questions, ask for help, and do not give up. Let your social worker and the agency help you. Good things often come from chaos. I am hoping that chaos will take a vacation from my home for awhile. I have had more than enough!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Summer and my large family
My house has been crazy since school let out for the summer. Every year, I am as bad as the kids and get all excited about summer vacation. About one week into summer, after I have slept in for a few days and done a little extra cleaning, I look around and panic. There are six children in my house who are starting to get bored. My oldest is self occupying with a job and classes (I can check him off the list). Then next child in line is Brynna. She has graduated from cosmetology school and is looking for a job. She is going to have lots of down time (I can see the battles ahead already!). Shelly is next and all of her friends are in Monroe, which is 30 minutes away from my house and not an easy drop off place. She is also looking for a job. Jason has a friend on every corner in our small town and frequently brings home a friend or two (that just adds to the number of kids in my house on any given day). Nathan and Dylan are still young enough to need planned play dates and entertaining on a regular basis. Summer is shaping up to be busier than the school year, I think. The second week of summer begins with me cursing the dishwasher because the kids are using enough dishes to run it twice a day. They are eating food at a rapid rate and the swimming pool towels are every where! The Grandmother's (my mother, my step-mother, and my mother-in-law) all recommend putting those children to work. This is a fine idea but all of them have forgotten the amount of organization and motivational tactics required to engage six children in summer chores. However, I am feeling strong at the beginning of the summer so the charts go up and the nagging begins. Bartering, treats and bribes are all high on my list of motivational tactics. Pretty soon things are shaping up nicely around here. I hope I can remain strong and consistent the whole summer. My husband knows me better than that and reminds me that my pretty charts are usually under the refrigerator by August. I just ignore him for now.
The middle of June seems to bring in the buddies and neighborhood friends. Imagine this for a minute. Each child in the family brings home a friend for dinner or to spend the night. That would amount to twelve children in my house for the evening. It looks something like this. Michael has two buddies over to work on a car in the garage. It looks like they are doing more socializing than mechanical work. Brynna is coloring her best friend's hair in the bathroom. I hope her mother doesn't mind but I don't have time to call and check. Shelly is watching a movie in the family room with her friend and it looks like it is not a family film as usual. Shelly likes the scary movies, which are far to scary for the little boys to watch. Speaking of the boys, they are in the pool with two friends from down the street. Jason has two friends playing xbox in his room. The tally count at 4:00 pm on a Friday afternoon is......fourteen kids hanging at my house! I quickly do a mental count of weeks left until school starts. Since that is too far off, the next best thing is a vacation.
Vacation is the best way I know of to get rid of all the extra kids hanging out at my house. Except it does not work out as well as it used to. My older kids do not want to go on vacation with Mom and Dad anymore, They have decided we are boring. I am not bothered by this at all and continue planning a vacation. At this point I have decided that what I really need is a vacation from the children (and the dishes) and I will be glad to leave a large number of them behind. My husband packs up the car, I load the two little boys in the back and leave a detailed list of instructions on the refrigerator, that could be shortened up to "Don't forget to feed the dogs!" and we head up north for a vacation as a family of four. Traveling with just four people seems almost a luxury of relaxation. Sitting on the beach reminds me that Summer really is the best time of year after all, until I get home and it starts all over again. I think I am going to need another vacation around the first of August. Large families are not for the faint of heart.
The middle of June seems to bring in the buddies and neighborhood friends. Imagine this for a minute. Each child in the family brings home a friend for dinner or to spend the night. That would amount to twelve children in my house for the evening. It looks something like this. Michael has two buddies over to work on a car in the garage. It looks like they are doing more socializing than mechanical work. Brynna is coloring her best friend's hair in the bathroom. I hope her mother doesn't mind but I don't have time to call and check. Shelly is watching a movie in the family room with her friend and it looks like it is not a family film as usual. Shelly likes the scary movies, which are far to scary for the little boys to watch. Speaking of the boys, they are in the pool with two friends from down the street. Jason has two friends playing xbox in his room. The tally count at 4:00 pm on a Friday afternoon is......fourteen kids hanging at my house! I quickly do a mental count of weeks left until school starts. Since that is too far off, the next best thing is a vacation.
Vacation is the best way I know of to get rid of all the extra kids hanging out at my house. Except it does not work out as well as it used to. My older kids do not want to go on vacation with Mom and Dad anymore, They have decided we are boring. I am not bothered by this at all and continue planning a vacation. At this point I have decided that what I really need is a vacation from the children (and the dishes) and I will be glad to leave a large number of them behind. My husband packs up the car, I load the two little boys in the back and leave a detailed list of instructions on the refrigerator, that could be shortened up to "Don't forget to feed the dogs!" and we head up north for a vacation as a family of four. Traveling with just four people seems almost a luxury of relaxation. Sitting on the beach reminds me that Summer really is the best time of year after all, until I get home and it starts all over again. I think I am going to need another vacation around the first of August. Large families are not for the faint of heart.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Birth Kids vs Foster Kids
Fostering children is a common way to build a family. Many couples have one or two biological children but experience secondary infertility. That lovely phrase means that for some reason, sometimes unexplainable, a couple is unable to become pregnant even though they have already had a child. This is what happened to me. I gave birth to three children and all I wanted was one more, but for whatever reason it never happened. I did try several fertillity treatments but stopped when it became obvious that this path was going nowhere. I wanted to foster and I wanted to adopt. So I did and I am content and happy with my choices and so is my husband. But are my birth kids as happy as I am?
If a stranger was looking in my front window, he would see siblings playing together, or fighting, or tattling on each other. He would see normal family interactions and probably would not question what he sees until someone whispers, "the little ones are adopted!" All of a sudden, there is an elephant in the room. Do the older children resent the younger adopted kids? Then the stranger finds out there is a foster child in there too. Oh my! Do the older kids hate sharing their house and their parents with a foster child? It sounds absolutely ridiculous when I describe it that way. However, I have had people ask me these questions. Sometimes the questions come from extended family members and sometimes from strangers. People who are considering fostering often ask these kinds of questions.
For everyone involved (except the nosy stranger) these are important questions to consider. Bringing a foster child into your home changes your whole family dynamic and if you address these questions ahead of time you will be better prepared for some trouble spots ahead. The first piece of advice that I share with people is that this is just like having a baby. The family changes and stretches to accomadate this new small person. In fostering, the child may be 12 years old but the family still grows and changes to fit the new dynamic. My oldest son was 4 years old when his brother was born. Michael thought that this new brother was the best thing in the whole world. Until I brought him home from the hospital and I was too busy feeding the baby to read him a story. The excitement was immediately gone and the power struggle began for mom's attention. That power struggle still pops up once in awhile even though Michael is 20 and Jason is 16! The story repeats itself when I fostered a four year old boy. My daughter thought he was fabulous to play with and enjoyed taking care of him until one of his visits with his birth parents happened during one of her softball games. Dad was able to attend the softball game while I took the little guy to the visit. But jealousy reared its ugly head and Brynna was pretty mad for awhile. The moral of the story is that no child really wants to share their parents with a sibling or a foster child. Kids just aren't built that way. It is part of life's lessons to learn to share and grow up with a sibling. It does not matter how the sibling arrives from my point of view.
The new child, of any age, will be loved and will be hated at some point in the journey. Just as new parents prepare a child for the birth of a sibling, so should they prepare the biological kids for a new placement. Let the kids participate in the process. Ask them if they would like a baby or an older child to play with. Ask them if they are comfortable sharing a room. Let them have possessions that do not have to be shared to help them maintain their own identity. You may not be able to meet all of their requests but allowing your child to talk about things they like and things they don't like helps them feel important and part of the process. If a biological child is having a hard time adjusting to a new placement, spend some alone time with the child and allow them to talk about their frustrations. Remind them how much you love them and explain that your love will never change. Many problems can be solved with a simple reminder of love. Most importantly, keep yourself strong by reminding yourself that you would not send a newborn baby back to the hospital if big brother didn't like him.
By building my family through foster care, I have chosen a unique path that many people don't understand. The path I have chosen is different from from giving birth to biological children, but I know many of the potholes are the same. I also know that my biological children are more compassionate and more loving because of their journey down this path with me.
If a stranger was looking in my front window, he would see siblings playing together, or fighting, or tattling on each other. He would see normal family interactions and probably would not question what he sees until someone whispers, "the little ones are adopted!" All of a sudden, there is an elephant in the room. Do the older children resent the younger adopted kids? Then the stranger finds out there is a foster child in there too. Oh my! Do the older kids hate sharing their house and their parents with a foster child? It sounds absolutely ridiculous when I describe it that way. However, I have had people ask me these questions. Sometimes the questions come from extended family members and sometimes from strangers. People who are considering fostering often ask these kinds of questions.
For everyone involved (except the nosy stranger) these are important questions to consider. Bringing a foster child into your home changes your whole family dynamic and if you address these questions ahead of time you will be better prepared for some trouble spots ahead. The first piece of advice that I share with people is that this is just like having a baby. The family changes and stretches to accomadate this new small person. In fostering, the child may be 12 years old but the family still grows and changes to fit the new dynamic. My oldest son was 4 years old when his brother was born. Michael thought that this new brother was the best thing in the whole world. Until I brought him home from the hospital and I was too busy feeding the baby to read him a story. The excitement was immediately gone and the power struggle began for mom's attention. That power struggle still pops up once in awhile even though Michael is 20 and Jason is 16! The story repeats itself when I fostered a four year old boy. My daughter thought he was fabulous to play with and enjoyed taking care of him until one of his visits with his birth parents happened during one of her softball games. Dad was able to attend the softball game while I took the little guy to the visit. But jealousy reared its ugly head and Brynna was pretty mad for awhile. The moral of the story is that no child really wants to share their parents with a sibling or a foster child. Kids just aren't built that way. It is part of life's lessons to learn to share and grow up with a sibling. It does not matter how the sibling arrives from my point of view.
The new child, of any age, will be loved and will be hated at some point in the journey. Just as new parents prepare a child for the birth of a sibling, so should they prepare the biological kids for a new placement. Let the kids participate in the process. Ask them if they would like a baby or an older child to play with. Ask them if they are comfortable sharing a room. Let them have possessions that do not have to be shared to help them maintain their own identity. You may not be able to meet all of their requests but allowing your child to talk about things they like and things they don't like helps them feel important and part of the process. If a biological child is having a hard time adjusting to a new placement, spend some alone time with the child and allow them to talk about their frustrations. Remind them how much you love them and explain that your love will never change. Many problems can be solved with a simple reminder of love. Most importantly, keep yourself strong by reminding yourself that you would not send a newborn baby back to the hospital if big brother didn't like him.
By building my family through foster care, I have chosen a unique path that many people don't understand. The path I have chosen is different from from giving birth to biological children, but I know many of the potholes are the same. I also know that my biological children are more compassionate and more loving because of their journey down this path with me.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Attachment Issues
A lot of educational classes are offered on the topic of attachment for potential adoptive parents. This topic can fill several hours of training all on its own. I remember wondering if attachment was going to be a problem for our family when we finally received our placement. The topic was so worrisome that I remember thinking that I would just have to cross that bridge when I came to it. I never received that hoped for placement and soon entered the world of foster care where the word attachment has a completely different meaning.
Many people have said to me that they could never do foster care because they are afraid they will grow so attached to the child that it would be heartbreaking to let them go. I understand this statement completely and I struggle for a good answer to this conundrum. A foster parent's job is to welcome a child with open arms, make them a part of the family, love them like our own, and then let them go. When I became a foster parent, my intention was to adopt the child, so I brushed under the rug idea of letting go. (Hmmm, I am beginning to see a pattern here.)
Before I share my story, I think it is important to point out the importance of attachment from a foster child's point of view. Many foster kids have never been shown unconditional love or formed a bond of trust with their birth parents. They have a desperate need to be loved and to trust an adult but they do not know how to create this bond. Studies have shown that if children do not learn to love and trust someone in childhood, that they may not be able to form attachments as an adult. The results are heartbreaking as these adults often become unable to function in society with mental health issues and many instances of criminal behavior. Teaching a child how to love and trust is a critical part of a foster parent's job. Keeping ourselves closed off and separate from our foster kids is truly not an option. I found it impossible anyway to shut down my mothering instinct. I was just unable to not respond with love towards a child who needed it so much.
I talk about Diamond a lot in my blog because she is my heartbreak child. She came to our family at 8 years old and stayed 11 months. I poured my soul into her and then sent her back to her mother. Her mother was a recovering alcoholic who worked very hard to fight her addiction. She earned the right to have her child come home by following her treatment plan and meeting all the goals set by the social worker. Alcoholism is a lifetime addiction and I knew the risks of Diamond returning home. The potential risks for Diamond kept me awake at night and I remember holding my hands tightly behind my back when she left my house to keep myself from pulling her back home as she walked away. Within a month, Diamond and her mother moved to another state and I lost contact with her. I heard through the grapevine, that Diamond had entered foster care again several years later. My heart broke all over again that she was in another state and I was unable to help her. Diamond will be 16 on June 25 and I hope that she has found a home and a family with all my heart.
Enough of the heartbreak and on to the practical side of things. When Diamond left my house, I loved her and she loved me. I taught her not to steal things that she wanted and I taught her how to trust that I would always have food to eat in the house. She learned how to get along with siblings and treat animals with love. She learned to swim and I learned how to do her hair (she was biracial and had the most challenging hair I have ever worked with!). As I look back now, the rewards for her and I far outweighed the heartbreak. I made a difference in her life and she made a difference in mine.
Here is my answer to people who say they are unable to face the heartbreak. When you open your heart to a child in the foster care system, you can change a child's life. You can show them the power of love and trust. You can help the child become a true human being. I hope that I get to see Diamond again and give her one more hug to remind her of the power of love. I will never forget her love.
Many people have said to me that they could never do foster care because they are afraid they will grow so attached to the child that it would be heartbreaking to let them go. I understand this statement completely and I struggle for a good answer to this conundrum. A foster parent's job is to welcome a child with open arms, make them a part of the family, love them like our own, and then let them go. When I became a foster parent, my intention was to adopt the child, so I brushed under the rug idea of letting go. (Hmmm, I am beginning to see a pattern here.)
Before I share my story, I think it is important to point out the importance of attachment from a foster child's point of view. Many foster kids have never been shown unconditional love or formed a bond of trust with their birth parents. They have a desperate need to be loved and to trust an adult but they do not know how to create this bond. Studies have shown that if children do not learn to love and trust someone in childhood, that they may not be able to form attachments as an adult. The results are heartbreaking as these adults often become unable to function in society with mental health issues and many instances of criminal behavior. Teaching a child how to love and trust is a critical part of a foster parent's job. Keeping ourselves closed off and separate from our foster kids is truly not an option. I found it impossible anyway to shut down my mothering instinct. I was just unable to not respond with love towards a child who needed it so much.
I talk about Diamond a lot in my blog because she is my heartbreak child. She came to our family at 8 years old and stayed 11 months. I poured my soul into her and then sent her back to her mother. Her mother was a recovering alcoholic who worked very hard to fight her addiction. She earned the right to have her child come home by following her treatment plan and meeting all the goals set by the social worker. Alcoholism is a lifetime addiction and I knew the risks of Diamond returning home. The potential risks for Diamond kept me awake at night and I remember holding my hands tightly behind my back when she left my house to keep myself from pulling her back home as she walked away. Within a month, Diamond and her mother moved to another state and I lost contact with her. I heard through the grapevine, that Diamond had entered foster care again several years later. My heart broke all over again that she was in another state and I was unable to help her. Diamond will be 16 on June 25 and I hope that she has found a home and a family with all my heart.
Enough of the heartbreak and on to the practical side of things. When Diamond left my house, I loved her and she loved me. I taught her not to steal things that she wanted and I taught her how to trust that I would always have food to eat in the house. She learned how to get along with siblings and treat animals with love. She learned to swim and I learned how to do her hair (she was biracial and had the most challenging hair I have ever worked with!). As I look back now, the rewards for her and I far outweighed the heartbreak. I made a difference in her life and she made a difference in mine.
Here is my answer to people who say they are unable to face the heartbreak. When you open your heart to a child in the foster care system, you can change a child's life. You can show them the power of love and trust. You can help the child become a true human being. I hope that I get to see Diamond again and give her one more hug to remind her of the power of love. I will never forget her love.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Tell Your Story!
I love to talk about adoption and foster care. I will talk about it with anyone who is interested enough to listen. Why? Because adoption is the stuff of miracles and foster care is the path that led to the adoptions of my two little boys. I have proof that I am willing to talk to anyone now because a reporter for Heritage News starting asking me questions that resulted in a wonderful newspaper article on our family that was published this week. Here is the link if you are interested:
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.heritage.com%2Farticles%2F2012%2F06%2F02%2Fmilan_news_leader%2Fnews%2Fdoc4fca34c8e3ca9712585342.txt%3Fviewmode%3Ddefault&h=NAQElvoavAQHGtRC3QgnRx7-UqnlYfY212RclMN7pbPbyEw.
The result of having my family's story splashed across a newspaper was that a LOT of people saw it. Then my friends picked it up on facebook, then it went to their friends and so on. I am hoping that my neighbors down the street read it because then they may finally understand the large number of cars in my driveway! There are three teenagers driving in my household and one more in training. That translates to five cars coming and going all day at my house. I am sure people must wonder what is really going on at this end of the street.
During my week of popularity, I had the strangest experience. I attended a picnic/field trip event that was held by my 7 year old son's teacher for all the children in her class. The kids played games and had lunch. Parents helped out and visited with each other. I was deep in conversation with another lady that I had worked with before, when I noticed a Dad patiently waiting to talk to me. I had no idea who he was but he seemed to know me. He said that I looked familiar, which happens to me a lot. I am the crossing guard at the elementary school in my small town. A lot of people see me every day and then can't put their finger on where they have seen me before. I explained and then he immediately began to tell me about his experience adopting his daughter from Russia. I swear, I did not say one word about foster care or adoption to prompt this story. His story had some fascinating details about traveling to Russia three different times and agonizing over the medical issues his child had been diagnosed with. I can barely imagine sitting in a foreign country listening to someone tell me that the child I already loved had a heart defect and hepatitis C. He and his wife went through a long night deciding whether to accept or decline the adoption. They decided to go ahead with the adoption and brought the child home. Doctor's at the University of Michigan examined her and found no trace of a heart defect or hepatitis C. What a story! What a miracle!
Our conversation ended very quickly after when the kids came to pull us away. I was left wondering what prompted this man to share such a personal story with me? I am very glad that he did because I had a moment to explain that my son was adopted also. Later, I asked my son if he was friends with this little girl and pointed out that she had been adopted too. He thought that was very cool and connected with her the next day. Everyone in the adoption/foster care world has a story of tangled events that result in a miracle. I hope that everyone shares their story, when they can, to raise awareness and to educate others about this special journey.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.heritage.com%2Farticles%2F2012%2F06%2F02%2Fmilan_news_leader%2Fnews%2Fdoc4fca34c8e3ca9712585342.txt%3Fviewmode%3Ddefault&h=NAQElvoavAQHGtRC3QgnRx7-UqnlYfY212RclMN7pbPbyEw.
The result of having my family's story splashed across a newspaper was that a LOT of people saw it. Then my friends picked it up on facebook, then it went to their friends and so on. I am hoping that my neighbors down the street read it because then they may finally understand the large number of cars in my driveway! There are three teenagers driving in my household and one more in training. That translates to five cars coming and going all day at my house. I am sure people must wonder what is really going on at this end of the street.
During my week of popularity, I had the strangest experience. I attended a picnic/field trip event that was held by my 7 year old son's teacher for all the children in her class. The kids played games and had lunch. Parents helped out and visited with each other. I was deep in conversation with another lady that I had worked with before, when I noticed a Dad patiently waiting to talk to me. I had no idea who he was but he seemed to know me. He said that I looked familiar, which happens to me a lot. I am the crossing guard at the elementary school in my small town. A lot of people see me every day and then can't put their finger on where they have seen me before. I explained and then he immediately began to tell me about his experience adopting his daughter from Russia. I swear, I did not say one word about foster care or adoption to prompt this story. His story had some fascinating details about traveling to Russia three different times and agonizing over the medical issues his child had been diagnosed with. I can barely imagine sitting in a foreign country listening to someone tell me that the child I already loved had a heart defect and hepatitis C. He and his wife went through a long night deciding whether to accept or decline the adoption. They decided to go ahead with the adoption and brought the child home. Doctor's at the University of Michigan examined her and found no trace of a heart defect or hepatitis C. What a story! What a miracle!
Our conversation ended very quickly after when the kids came to pull us away. I was left wondering what prompted this man to share such a personal story with me? I am very glad that he did because I had a moment to explain that my son was adopted also. Later, I asked my son if he was friends with this little girl and pointed out that she had been adopted too. He thought that was very cool and connected with her the next day. Everyone in the adoption/foster care world has a story of tangled events that result in a miracle. I hope that everyone shares their story, when they can, to raise awareness and to educate others about this special journey.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)