Tell Your Story!

I love to talk about adoption and foster care.  I will talk about it with anyone who is interested enough to listen.  Why?  Because adoption is the stuff of miracles and foster care is the path that led to the adoptions of my two little boys.  I have proof that I am willing to talk to anyone now because a  reporter for Heritage News starting asking me questions that resulted in a wonderful newspaper article on our family that was published this week.  Here is the link if you are interested: 
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.heritage.com%2Farticles%2F2012%2F06%2F02%2Fmilan_news_leader%2Fnews%2Fdoc4fca34c8e3ca9712585342.txt%3Fviewmode%3Ddefault&h=NAQElvoavAQHGtRC3QgnRx7-UqnlYfY212RclMN7pbPbyEw.

The result of having my family's story splashed across a newspaper was that a LOT of people saw it.  Then my friends picked it up on facebook, then it went to their friends and so on.  I am hoping that my neighbors down the street read it because then they may finally understand the large number of cars in my driveway!  There are three teenagers driving in my household and one more in training.  That translates to five cars coming and going all day at my house.  I am sure people must wonder what is really going on at this end of the street.

During my week of popularity, I had the strangest experience.  I attended a picnic/field trip event that was held by my 7 year old son's teacher for all the children in her class.  The kids played games and had lunch.   Parents helped out and visited with each other.  I was deep in conversation with another lady that I had worked with before, when I noticed a Dad patiently waiting to talk to me.  I had no idea who he was but he seemed to know me.  He said that I looked familiar, which happens to me a lot.  I am the crossing guard at the elementary school in my small town.  A lot of people see me every day and then can't put their finger on where they have seen me before.  I explained and then he immediately began to tell me about his experience adopting his daughter from Russia.  I swear, I did not say one word about foster care or adoption to prompt this story.  His story had some fascinating details about traveling to Russia three different times and agonizing over the medical issues his child had been diagnosed with.  I can barely imagine sitting in a foreign country listening to someone tell me that the child I already loved had a heart defect and hepatitis C.  He and his wife went through a long night deciding whether to accept or decline the adoption.  They decided to go ahead with the adoption and brought the child home.  Doctor's at the University of Michigan examined her and found no trace of a heart defect or hepatitis C.  What a story!  What a miracle!

Our conversation ended very quickly after when the kids came to pull us away.  I was left wondering what prompted this man to share such a personal story with me?   I am very glad that he did because I had a moment to explain that my son was adopted also.  Later, I asked my son if he was friends with this little girl and pointed out that she had been adopted too.  He thought that was very cool and connected with her the next day.  Everyone in the adoption/foster care world has a story of tangled events that result in a miracle.  I hope that everyone shares their story, when they can, to raise awareness and to educate others about this special journey. 

Foster Parent Respite Day a Success!

I wrote this article to submit to a newspaper but I thought my blog readers might be interested also.  As a side note, I have found that reporters are very interested in helping agencies to spread the word about foster care.  If you have an event or a foster care experience to share, a newspaper is a great place to educate people in a positive way about foster care. 

May is a special month for foster children and foster families in Michigan.  National Foster Care Month is a time for private agencies and the Department of Human Services to connect and raise awareness of the approximately 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan.  On Saturday, May 19^th at Grace Fellowship Church in Ypsilanti, the fellowship hall rang with the laughter of 24 of Washtenaw County’s foster children.    The event is called Foster Parent Respite Day and organizers hope it will become annual event.  Foster parents were able to drop off the children in their care for three hours and enjoy a day off from their daily work load.  Volunteers set up activity stations for the children to enjoy that included face painting, arts and crafts, and outdoor activities.  At each station, children could earn a sticker to be exchanged for a prize at the end of the day.  The afternoon began with pizza, chips and fruit, followed by station activities.  The WII station with dancing and Mario Brother’s games was one of the most popular areas to play at.  Children’s ages ranged from 0-14 years old.  Activities seemed to appeal to all ages, especially the large kickball game going on outside.  The special day neared its end as the kickball players came in for an ice cream sandwich and a last trip to any station they might have missed. 

This amazing event was created by Washtenaw Department of Human Services and Hands Across the water.  Four additional agencies sent helpers to create a successful day, including:    Fostering Futures, Catholic Social Services, Lutheran Social Services and Orchard Children Services.  These agencies often work together as a Coalition to address the needs of foster parents.   Another function of the Washtenaw Coalition is educating people interested in becoming foster parents.  Currently, Michigan is facing a severe shortage of foster parents.  If you are interested in helping Michigan’s children by becoming a foster family, please contact Kristen at kristen@hatw.org.

Freebies for Foster Kids

A few months ago, I was asked to be on a panel and share my experiences as a foster parent at a Faith Coalition meeting.  I enjoyed the experience of sharing and listening to the other foster parents share their stories.  A question and answer session followed and the discussion soon centered on the financial challenges of foster families.  My experience has been with younger children and I have found many resources to help me with clothing and toys.  Second hand clothing stores are easy to find for young children.  Garage sales are great places to look for cheap toys and strollers.  People at my church have been very generous with hand-me-down items or helping me search for a specific need.  When an audience member asked a question about obtaining things for a foster child, I quickly answered that help and resources are pretty easy to come by.  The rest of the panel disagreed and sent me some downright dirty looks about the issue.  For the rest of the meeting, I sat and wondered if I am just an optimistic person wearing rose colored glasses or just naive about finances.  Fundraising and volunteering are a part of my job as a social worker and I am pretty comfortable in the role.  Since my panel event, I have tried to figure out how I can fill this need for foster parents.  My philosophy is that foster families are opening their home and their hearts to a stranger and deserve as much financial and emotional support as we can provide them.  Hands Across the Water shares my philosophy.  Our office has items just waiting to be used.  A crib, infant car seats, and diapers are just a few of the items that are there for the asking.  I also often hear about various types of events for foster kids that are free through emails that I receive.  I have been surprised by the creativity of people offering programs for our kids.  Some of the latest things I have discovered are free sport camps in Washtenaw county and free college tuition (that is a big one!), and various picnics.  Christmas time is a huge time for foster children freebies too.  Agencies and the Department of Human services want to help foster kids in anyway that they can.  So do not be afraid to ask what services are available if you have a foster child in your home.  I am a cup half full kind of girl and I am willing to ask for anything for my kids. I offer the same advice to you.  If you would like to put your foster child in a recreational activity, inquire about scholarships.  If you need clothing, let your pastor or minister know that you have a need.  If you are just looking for fun things to do in the summer time, search the Internet and contact the place you want to go.  I have found that businesses rarely turn down a child in need.  Saying the words "foster child" is a big door opener.  Do not worry about rejection.  Most places have a policy in place for donating services and will be happy to explain it to you.  If you are not comfortable asking (and I a know that many people aren't), ask your agency or social worker to do it for you.  We are here to help and we often have connections or relationships with people willing to help out.  If I were on that panel today my answer would still be the same.  The services and funding are out there for foster kids if we keep our eyes open and spread the word about what we need.  Please email me if any of the services I mentioned above are of interest to you.  I would be glad to forward the information to you.

Stay-At-Home Mom

I have a mental image of myself as a stay-at-home mom.  It is a false impression of myself because I have not been a mom with no job outside of the home for many years. However, I cannot shake the inner conviction that this is what I am.  The problem started when I became a crossing guard for the elementary school close to my home.  My kids would walk down to the corner with me and play awhile and then continue onto school when it was time.  When the foster kids came, the same thing happened.  I brought babies to the corner in car seats and did my job while they napped or had a bottle.  Now that my kids are high school age, they drive up in their cars and hang at the corner with me.  It never seemed like a real job because I am home 95% of the day.  I still have my crossing guard job and now I am also a social worker working ten to fifteen hours each week.  With two jobs, I think it is safe to say that I am truly not a stay-at-home mom anymore.  However, I made an appointment for a delivery yesterday and casually said, "anytime in the afternoon is fine.  I am a stay-at-home mom."  What????  Why did that come out of my mouth?  Of course the delivery guy could care less what my occupation really is but my mental wheels started to spin.  What am I, really?  I started to make a list of what I am (this is a nice exercise in identity exploration, by the way).  My biography reads accurately with foster mom, adoptive mom, and biological mom to start the list.  I am also a volunteer, crossing guard and a social worker.  Just to make the list longer I added daughter and sister.  I see a lot of "moms" on the list but not stay-at-home mom.  Yet this is how I think of myself for some strange reason.  My identity crisis has now begun to really bother me. 

I love being a mother.  It was all I wanted to be when I was growing up.  People would say, "that is not a job, what do you really want to be?"  So I decided that being a teacher was probably a safer answer.  I did that occupation for awhile and quickly learned that controlling 25 kids was not something I was good at.  Plus it did not feel like mothering to me.  When my three biological children arrived I was in heaven.  I wallowed in motherhood until my baby went off to first grade and I was stuck cleaning the house over and over again.  That got old really fast.  I tried volunteering and ended up running a nonprofit Little League in my town.  That took up a lot of time and I was pretty good at it, but it wasn't mothering.  More biological children was not an option because of fertility issues.  My husband felt adoption would be okay but not fostering!  He was very sure that becoming a foster parent was not something he was willing to do.  I was content to try adoption.  Well.....that did not work out quite the way I thought it would and soon I was talking him into becoming a foster parent.  First I coerced him to attend an orientation.  It was no big deal and no commitment necessary.  I am pretty sure that he went just to make me happy.  I followed that with a training class and pretty soon he was reluctantly willing to give fostering a try.  I found the perfect way to continue my career as a mother with the arrival of my first foster child. 

So here is the answer to my identity crisis.  I am a mother and I will always be a mother.  Everything else is secondary to my primary occupation of motherhood.  I found the answer to my question by accident this week.  A reporter interviewed me and my family about what it is like to be a foster family.  She asked a lot of great questions but one stuck with me.  What do you find the most surprising about foster parenting?  My answer came very quickly.  I am always surprised by the strength and intensity of the bond that  forms between me and my foster child.  It is a mother/child connection that can be as strong as my feelings for my biological child.  It is a complicated bond that is made up of trust, love, caring, and feelings of protection.  All these things put together form the definition of motherhood for me. My heart is aways at home caring for my children even when I am in a meeting or holding up my sign in the middle of the road.  I am grateful that my husband loves me enough to participate in my occupation.  I am sure that his identity is not as intensely linked to parenting as mine is. 

For those of you who are wondering, that bond does not break when the child leaves my home.  I carry those children in my heart too and I hope to see them again someday.  When I attended the opening of the Heart Gallery, a foster mom at the next table was very excited to see a past foster child of hers.  She said, "He is one of mine!"  as she dashed off to give him a hug and visit with his new family. I have many children that I call mine too.  I am a stay-at-home mom because that is where my heart will always be.  I think next time, I will take a little more pride when I announce that I am a stay-at-home mom to the delivery guy!      

Heart Gallery

One of the perks of my job as a recruiter for Hands Across the Water (HATW) is that I get to attend events like the Heart Gallery Opening.  The Heart Gallery travels around Michigan with professional portraits of kids available for adoptions.  The portraits are displayed on banners and on televisions screens.  Everywhere the Heart Gallery travels it connects children with potential adoptive families.  The pictures of the children are beautiful and often capture more than just a cute face.  Personalities shine through from their eyes and the location of the picture.  My table was set up directly opposite the banner and there was a large picture that kept catching my eye.  The young man in the picture chose to wear a hat and was leaning forward on his arms, smiling into the camera.  I think it takes a lot of confidence to wear a hat in any situation.  This teenager had smiling eyes that spoke of a good sense of humor.  He just looked like someone I would enjoy spending time with.  That is the power of the Heart Gallery.  The children in the photos seem to speak through their pictures and draw people in.  Professional photographer's donate their time to help these children look and feel their best in these photos.  The Heart Gallery also shows me how involved these children are in their own adoption search.  They participate in the photos and speak in video's about the kind of family they would like to be a part of.  One young man was brave enough to speak to all of us from the stage.  Many people brought children with them.  There were foster children, adopted children and birth children having a good time together.  Families came to celebrate the opening of this wonderful event that had touched so many lives. 
Agencies (in addition to HATW) set up informational tables for anyone who would like to become licensed to be a foster parent or adopt a child.  After the presentation and some lunch potential families browse the tables.  There is a unique atmosphere at events like this because agencies are not working against each other as you might think.  We work together to educate and help form forever families.  A family can choose and agency for many different reasons.  One of the biggest factors is geographic location.  A family needs to be able to come to their agency to drop off paperwork and attend training.  Many families choose an agency that is close to their place of employment instead of close to home.  Another important factor is level of support.  Adoption and foster care are often untraveled pathways for many.  You will need help down the path.  You will need education and support to make important decisions.  Some people choose an agency based on a feeling of connection and this is important too.  An agency is going to be visiting your home and delving into your personal life.  I would rather share my personal information with an agency that I like and trust.  My professional title is Recruitment Specialist which sounds a bit like an army recruiter or a car salesman.  Finding families who want to adopt or foster is not about talking people into something that they do not want to do.  Instead, it is sharing information and educating people about their choices.  This is what all agencies and organizations like the Heart Gallery specialize in.  The schedule of upcoming Heart Gallery events can be found at http://www.miheart.org/#!schedule.  Go check it out!!

Bonding Activities

One of the most difficult moments for me is the first few minutes of a new placement.  The social worker has walked out the door and the new foster child and I are left looking at each other.  What now?  Babies are easy.  Get a bottle, change diaper and start snuggling.  Middle age kids and teenagers are trickier.  I can buy some time by showing the child where they will be sleeping and putting stuff away.  It is too soon to turn on the television and that seems like cheating.  This is a time to get to know each other and it does help to have some ice breaking activities in mind that can facilitate this.  Are you hungry?  This leads to a snack and showing the child the ropes in the kitchen.  Let the child help pour or fetch a glass to begin the process of feeling comfortable.  I want my kids to understand that the refrigerator is part of their territory. I want them to get their own snacks and put their dishes in the sink when done.  For the first snack, I will sit down and munch too.  If there are other children in the house, around the kitchen table is a great place for introductions.  Usually the new child will follow the rest of the gang after snack to another activity.  Do not expect that the new child is going to share every last detail of their life with you over a first snack or unpacking.  Trust and bonding take time to build.  Foster parents should design a few activities specifically designed to help with the building of trust.  The activity can be simple such as a trip to the park or a game of cards for younger children.  Teenagers love to shop for clothes and the odds are high that a new foster teenager did not bring enough clothes with them.  The car ride is a comfortable place to chat or just listen to the radio together.  Music can often help a quiet teen find something to talk about.  Even I have managed to find a few rap songs that I can tolerate by using this method!
Many kids in foster care have never had the opportunity to play sports or participate in extra curricular activities.  I love to allow them to explore a new interest by signing up for something.  My eight year old foster daughter developed an interest in Tae Kwon Do and she loved it.  I have the most amazing pictures of her in the white uniform and colored belt, kicking as hard as she can.  Soccer is another great idea.  It doesn't take a lot of prior knowledge to join in and have a good time.  A uniform and a team atmosphere gives the child the gift of being normal for awhile.  A foster child spends a lot of time feeling different from other kids, so normal activities are important.  Keep in mind that the expense of these classes and sports have to be paid for by you and can get expensive.  I have found many organizations are willing to let a foster child play for free or a reduced rate if I ask.  Don't be afraid to ask because often organizations are happy to be offered an opportunity to help out. 
I used to be a stay at home mom and many of my bonding activities included doing things together around the house.  They may look like chores but to a child who has never done chores it can be fun.  Sweeping the floor is one of my favorites because we make a game out of who can create the biggest pile of dirt (with eight people in my house, there is always enough dirt to be found!).  Hanging laundry on the line is also fun.  Kids can run between the sheets and play hiding games afterward.  Chores should be done together for a while and in a fun way.  It provides a teaching opportunity and time to talk while working.  Yes, even teenagers can have fun doing chores.  Mowing the grass is a teen favorite because it involves the lawn mower!  Teach them how to push or ride it and do the job together.  Later I let the teens earn pocket money for chores.  Young men are often happy to be using their bodies in physical activity.  I also cook with all my kids.  Anyone is welcome to join me in the kitchen to make dinner.  Shelly (17) loves to pick out our menu for the evening.  She has made the "What is for dinner question?" a whole lot more fun for me. 
Kids are fun to have around, so have fun with them.  When we work together and play together we are creating a bond of  trust and sharing that will only grow stronger. 

Can I Take My Foster Child to Church?

Can I take my foster children to church?  This is a question often comes up when I am talking to potential foster parents.  The answer involves a bit more study than just a quick yes or no.  Personally, I am a person of faith.  I attend church every Sunday and try and live my life according to my beliefs.  I have a rule in my household that states, "If you live in my house, then you attend church."  This rule tends to drive the teenagers in my household crazy because they are in a rebellious stage of life in general.  The topic of church is often their favorite form of ammunition.  Despite their objections, I apply this rule to anyone who happens to be in my house on Sunday morning.  This includes any friends who have stayed the night, my biological children, my adopted children, and my foster children.  I am sure that you can tell I have fought many battles and given my rule a lot of thought.  Some of the first battles on this subject began when I wasn't sure if I should take my foster child with me.  Immediately my biological children stated that if they had to go so did the foster child!  I called  up my social worker to ask if this was appropriate.  The answer I received became the rule I live by.  If the child is in my home and the birth parents have no objections then we all attend church.  If the birth parent is against the idea of their child attending church then I request visitation during that specific time.  My family attends church and the child gets to spend time with their parent.  This method has worked out just fine for all involved.
Faith often plays a role in people becoming foster parents.  Some people have told me they feel called to do the work by a higher power.  Of course, faith is not the only reason people become foster parents but for many believer's it is important.  There is a growing organization called Faith Communities Coalition whose primary goal is " to create a wider safety net to help recruit, support and contribute in large and small ways to the well-being of foster children and families" (http://www.saveourchildrencoalition.org/). One of their goals is to spread the word among church congregations about the urgent need for foster parents in Michigan.  Current foster parents, social workers, potential foster parents and anyone else who has an interest share their ideas and learn from speakers and each other at SOCC meetings.  Anyone can take this information to their own churches and spread the word.  It is exciting for me to see the success this organization is having here in Michigan.  Anyone can attend SOCC meetings and it is a great place to learn more about fostering children.  See the website for meeting locations and dates.
I have found that when I take my foster children to church that there is an interest in what I am doing from people at my church.  Many times the children in my care have received gifts at Christmas or clothing donations from my church.  People want to help in anyway that they can and donations of time or goods are a valuable resource to the kids in the system.  My foster kids have also found new friends at church in the youth groups.  Foster children are often desperately in need of new friends and kids at church have the potential to be positive role models.  At this point I feel it is important to state that I do not force my foster children to attend church or youth organizations against their will.  I encourage them to do so but I also provide an acceptable alternative.  For the record, an acceptable alternative is not hanging out at a friend's house or laying around watching television while the family is gone. This logic is in place mainly for older children.  Younger children like to join in with everything the family is doing.  Do not be nervous or afraid to ask if your foster child can go to church if that is what your family does.  A foster child needs to become part of the family to heal and to grow.  My recommendation is to include the child in all the things that your family does.