Stay-At-Home Mom

I have a mental image of myself as a stay-at-home mom.  It is a false impression of myself because I have not been a mom with no job outside of the home for many years. However, I cannot shake the inner conviction that this is what I am.  The problem started when I became a crossing guard for the elementary school close to my home.  My kids would walk down to the corner with me and play awhile and then continue onto school when it was time.  When the foster kids came, the same thing happened.  I brought babies to the corner in car seats and did my job while they napped or had a bottle.  Now that my kids are high school age, they drive up in their cars and hang at the corner with me.  It never seemed like a real job because I am home 95% of the day.  I still have my crossing guard job and now I am also a social worker working ten to fifteen hours each week.  With two jobs, I think it is safe to say that I am truly not a stay-at-home mom anymore.  However, I made an appointment for a delivery yesterday and casually said, "anytime in the afternoon is fine.  I am a stay-at-home mom."  What????  Why did that come out of my mouth?  Of course the delivery guy could care less what my occupation really is but my mental wheels started to spin.  What am I, really?  I started to make a list of what I am (this is a nice exercise in identity exploration, by the way).  My biography reads accurately with foster mom, adoptive mom, and biological mom to start the list.  I am also a volunteer, crossing guard and a social worker.  Just to make the list longer I added daughter and sister.  I see a lot of "moms" on the list but not stay-at-home mom.  Yet this is how I think of myself for some strange reason.  My identity crisis has now begun to really bother me. 

I love being a mother.  It was all I wanted to be when I was growing up.  People would say, "that is not a job, what do you really want to be?"  So I decided that being a teacher was probably a safer answer.  I did that occupation for awhile and quickly learned that controlling 25 kids was not something I was good at.  Plus it did not feel like mothering to me.  When my three biological children arrived I was in heaven.  I wallowed in motherhood until my baby went off to first grade and I was stuck cleaning the house over and over again.  That got old really fast.  I tried volunteering and ended up running a nonprofit Little League in my town.  That took up a lot of time and I was pretty good at it, but it wasn't mothering.  More biological children was not an option because of fertility issues.  My husband felt adoption would be okay but not fostering!  He was very sure that becoming a foster parent was not something he was willing to do.  I was content to try adoption.  Well.....that did not work out quite the way I thought it would and soon I was talking him into becoming a foster parent.  First I coerced him to attend an orientation.  It was no big deal and no commitment necessary.  I am pretty sure that he went just to make me happy.  I followed that with a training class and pretty soon he was reluctantly willing to give fostering a try.  I found the perfect way to continue my career as a mother with the arrival of my first foster child. 

So here is the answer to my identity crisis.  I am a mother and I will always be a mother.  Everything else is secondary to my primary occupation of motherhood.  I found the answer to my question by accident this week.  A reporter interviewed me and my family about what it is like to be a foster family.  She asked a lot of great questions but one stuck with me.  What do you find the most surprising about foster parenting?  My answer came very quickly.  I am always surprised by the strength and intensity of the bond that  forms between me and my foster child.  It is a mother/child connection that can be as strong as my feelings for my biological child.  It is a complicated bond that is made up of trust, love, caring, and feelings of protection.  All these things put together form the definition of motherhood for me. My heart is aways at home caring for my children even when I am in a meeting or holding up my sign in the middle of the road.  I am grateful that my husband loves me enough to participate in my occupation.  I am sure that his identity is not as intensely linked to parenting as mine is. 

For those of you who are wondering, that bond does not break when the child leaves my home.  I carry those children in my heart too and I hope to see them again someday.  When I attended the opening of the Heart Gallery, a foster mom at the next table was very excited to see a past foster child of hers.  She said, "He is one of mine!"  as she dashed off to give him a hug and visit with his new family. I have many children that I call mine too.  I am a stay-at-home mom because that is where my heart will always be.  I think next time, I will take a little more pride when I announce that I am a stay-at-home mom to the delivery guy!      

Heart Gallery

One of the perks of my job as a recruiter for Hands Across the Water (HATW) is that I get to attend events like the Heart Gallery Opening.  The Heart Gallery travels around Michigan with professional portraits of kids available for adoptions.  The portraits are displayed on banners and on televisions screens.  Everywhere the Heart Gallery travels it connects children with potential adoptive families.  The pictures of the children are beautiful and often capture more than just a cute face.  Personalities shine through from their eyes and the location of the picture.  My table was set up directly opposite the banner and there was a large picture that kept catching my eye.  The young man in the picture chose to wear a hat and was leaning forward on his arms, smiling into the camera.  I think it takes a lot of confidence to wear a hat in any situation.  This teenager had smiling eyes that spoke of a good sense of humor.  He just looked like someone I would enjoy spending time with.  That is the power of the Heart Gallery.  The children in the photos seem to speak through their pictures and draw people in.  Professional photographer's donate their time to help these children look and feel their best in these photos.  The Heart Gallery also shows me how involved these children are in their own adoption search.  They participate in the photos and speak in video's about the kind of family they would like to be a part of.  One young man was brave enough to speak to all of us from the stage.  Many people brought children with them.  There were foster children, adopted children and birth children having a good time together.  Families came to celebrate the opening of this wonderful event that had touched so many lives. 
Agencies (in addition to HATW) set up informational tables for anyone who would like to become licensed to be a foster parent or adopt a child.  After the presentation and some lunch potential families browse the tables.  There is a unique atmosphere at events like this because agencies are not working against each other as you might think.  We work together to educate and help form forever families.  A family can choose and agency for many different reasons.  One of the biggest factors is geographic location.  A family needs to be able to come to their agency to drop off paperwork and attend training.  Many families choose an agency that is close to their place of employment instead of close to home.  Another important factor is level of support.  Adoption and foster care are often untraveled pathways for many.  You will need help down the path.  You will need education and support to make important decisions.  Some people choose an agency based on a feeling of connection and this is important too.  An agency is going to be visiting your home and delving into your personal life.  I would rather share my personal information with an agency that I like and trust.  My professional title is Recruitment Specialist which sounds a bit like an army recruiter or a car salesman.  Finding families who want to adopt or foster is not about talking people into something that they do not want to do.  Instead, it is sharing information and educating people about their choices.  This is what all agencies and organizations like the Heart Gallery specialize in.  The schedule of upcoming Heart Gallery events can be found at http://www.miheart.org/#!schedule.  Go check it out!!

Bonding Activities

One of the most difficult moments for me is the first few minutes of a new placement.  The social worker has walked out the door and the new foster child and I are left looking at each other.  What now?  Babies are easy.  Get a bottle, change diaper and start snuggling.  Middle age kids and teenagers are trickier.  I can buy some time by showing the child where they will be sleeping and putting stuff away.  It is too soon to turn on the television and that seems like cheating.  This is a time to get to know each other and it does help to have some ice breaking activities in mind that can facilitate this.  Are you hungry?  This leads to a snack and showing the child the ropes in the kitchen.  Let the child help pour or fetch a glass to begin the process of feeling comfortable.  I want my kids to understand that the refrigerator is part of their territory. I want them to get their own snacks and put their dishes in the sink when done.  For the first snack, I will sit down and munch too.  If there are other children in the house, around the kitchen table is a great place for introductions.  Usually the new child will follow the rest of the gang after snack to another activity.  Do not expect that the new child is going to share every last detail of their life with you over a first snack or unpacking.  Trust and bonding take time to build.  Foster parents should design a few activities specifically designed to help with the building of trust.  The activity can be simple such as a trip to the park or a game of cards for younger children.  Teenagers love to shop for clothes and the odds are high that a new foster teenager did not bring enough clothes with them.  The car ride is a comfortable place to chat or just listen to the radio together.  Music can often help a quiet teen find something to talk about.  Even I have managed to find a few rap songs that I can tolerate by using this method!
Many kids in foster care have never had the opportunity to play sports or participate in extra curricular activities.  I love to allow them to explore a new interest by signing up for something.  My eight year old foster daughter developed an interest in Tae Kwon Do and she loved it.  I have the most amazing pictures of her in the white uniform and colored belt, kicking as hard as she can.  Soccer is another great idea.  It doesn't take a lot of prior knowledge to join in and have a good time.  A uniform and a team atmosphere gives the child the gift of being normal for awhile.  A foster child spends a lot of time feeling different from other kids, so normal activities are important.  Keep in mind that the expense of these classes and sports have to be paid for by you and can get expensive.  I have found many organizations are willing to let a foster child play for free or a reduced rate if I ask.  Don't be afraid to ask because often organizations are happy to be offered an opportunity to help out. 
I used to be a stay at home mom and many of my bonding activities included doing things together around the house.  They may look like chores but to a child who has never done chores it can be fun.  Sweeping the floor is one of my favorites because we make a game out of who can create the biggest pile of dirt (with eight people in my house, there is always enough dirt to be found!).  Hanging laundry on the line is also fun.  Kids can run between the sheets and play hiding games afterward.  Chores should be done together for a while and in a fun way.  It provides a teaching opportunity and time to talk while working.  Yes, even teenagers can have fun doing chores.  Mowing the grass is a teen favorite because it involves the lawn mower!  Teach them how to push or ride it and do the job together.  Later I let the teens earn pocket money for chores.  Young men are often happy to be using their bodies in physical activity.  I also cook with all my kids.  Anyone is welcome to join me in the kitchen to make dinner.  Shelly (17) loves to pick out our menu for the evening.  She has made the "What is for dinner question?" a whole lot more fun for me. 
Kids are fun to have around, so have fun with them.  When we work together and play together we are creating a bond of  trust and sharing that will only grow stronger. 

Can I Take My Foster Child to Church?

Can I take my foster children to church?  This is a question often comes up when I am talking to potential foster parents.  The answer involves a bit more study than just a quick yes or no.  Personally, I am a person of faith.  I attend church every Sunday and try and live my life according to my beliefs.  I have a rule in my household that states, "If you live in my house, then you attend church."  This rule tends to drive the teenagers in my household crazy because they are in a rebellious stage of life in general.  The topic of church is often their favorite form of ammunition.  Despite their objections, I apply this rule to anyone who happens to be in my house on Sunday morning.  This includes any friends who have stayed the night, my biological children, my adopted children, and my foster children.  I am sure that you can tell I have fought many battles and given my rule a lot of thought.  Some of the first battles on this subject began when I wasn't sure if I should take my foster child with me.  Immediately my biological children stated that if they had to go so did the foster child!  I called  up my social worker to ask if this was appropriate.  The answer I received became the rule I live by.  If the child is in my home and the birth parents have no objections then we all attend church.  If the birth parent is against the idea of their child attending church then I request visitation during that specific time.  My family attends church and the child gets to spend time with their parent.  This method has worked out just fine for all involved.
Faith often plays a role in people becoming foster parents.  Some people have told me they feel called to do the work by a higher power.  Of course, faith is not the only reason people become foster parents but for many believer's it is important.  There is a growing organization called Faith Communities Coalition whose primary goal is " to create a wider safety net to help recruit, support and contribute in large and small ways to the well-being of foster children and families" (http://www.saveourchildrencoalition.org/). One of their goals is to spread the word among church congregations about the urgent need for foster parents in Michigan.  Current foster parents, social workers, potential foster parents and anyone else who has an interest share their ideas and learn from speakers and each other at SOCC meetings.  Anyone can take this information to their own churches and spread the word.  It is exciting for me to see the success this organization is having here in Michigan.  Anyone can attend SOCC meetings and it is a great place to learn more about fostering children.  See the website for meeting locations and dates.
I have found that when I take my foster children to church that there is an interest in what I am doing from people at my church.  Many times the children in my care have received gifts at Christmas or clothing donations from my church.  People want to help in anyway that they can and donations of time or goods are a valuable resource to the kids in the system.  My foster kids have also found new friends at church in the youth groups.  Foster children are often desperately in need of new friends and kids at church have the potential to be positive role models.  At this point I feel it is important to state that I do not force my foster children to attend church or youth organizations against their will.  I encourage them to do so but I also provide an acceptable alternative.  For the record, an acceptable alternative is not hanging out at a friend's house or laying around watching television while the family is gone. This logic is in place mainly for older children.  Younger children like to join in with everything the family is doing.  Do not be nervous or afraid to ask if your foster child can go to church if that is what your family does.  A foster child needs to become part of the family to heal and to grow.  My recommendation is to include the child in all the things that your family does.  

Connections

During the long licensing process I wondered what kind of connection I would form with my first foster child.  I wondered if I would feel like a glorified babysitter functioning 24 hours a day with no emotional connection.  I wondered if I would form a bond so strong that I would not be able to let go when the time came to return the child to their birth parent.  I wondered if I would like the child and if the child would like me.  The babies I gave birth to, I loved from the first moment I knew of their existence.  Is is only a biological connection?  I wondered if I had the ability to love a stranger's child.  I found the answer to all of my questions at the dentist. 
When Diamond arrived at my house she was eight years old.  For the first month I was a babysitter.  I fed her, clothed her, and sent her to school.  I worked hard to meet all of her needs.  Diamond worked hard to be a good girl.  She didn't get angry or say no to anything.  She seemed like a very happy little girl.  She never asked about her mother or her situation.  She just accepted it and made best of things.  She adjusted to us and we adjusted to her.  I now know that I was experiencing the honeymoon phase of foster parenting.  Everyone behaves themselves and works very hard to keep things normal.  In training, foster parents learn to take the child to the doctor for a physical and to the dentist.  So I did my job and made the appointments.  The dentist appointment came first.
I have taken my own children to the dentist for years and it has always been a fun event.  They get their teeth cleaned and get to spit or use the suction thing.  We usually left with a balloon or a small toy.  For my family, the dentist is no big deal.  For a foster child, the dentist is a scary place.  Looking back now, I am pretty sure that Diamond had never been to the dentist.  I do not remember the exact sequence of events anymore but Diamond had some serious cavities that needed immediate attention.  When I looked in her mouth, the cavity was so large that a small pebble could have fit in there.  It must have been very painful for her but she never said a word.  She told me that she learned to chew on the other side of her mouth just like her mother did. 
As the dentist gave her the first shot for numbing up her mouth, silent tears rolled down her cheeks.  She held very still and never made a sound but I couldn't stand it.  I was up and holding her hand before I gave it a second thought.  I spoke quietly to her and stroked her hand.  We made it through together and when we came out of that office there was a new bond between us.  Our world's had shifted to include each other.  I became her mother in that office and she developed a bond of trust for me that lasted through out her placement. 
I had not thought of that memory in a very long time until it was repeated this week with Shelly.  Shelly had broken a tooth and needed a trip to the dentist.  She showed no fear until she sat in that chair.  All the doctor intended to do was look in her mouth but that was enough to start the tears.  Again I was up and holding the hand of a child that I had not given birth to.  Comforting and blinking my own tears away quickly so that no one would see.  Again the bond of love and trust was formed in this strange place. 
I know now that love is not just a function of biology.  It just happens.  I still love Diamond even though it has been eight years since we have seen each other.  I hope that I get to see her again some day and give her another hug.  I know that I will always love Shelly no matter where our paths may lead.  I do not regret the bond that has formed even though I know it will make letting go a little harder.  I know that this bond between us makes the time that I have with my foster kids a special gift.  Please do not let the fear of loving and letting a child go hold you back from becoming a foster parent.   Love makes me a better parent.  When I let a child go, I am comforted by the idea that I have made a difference in a child's life.  That child knows that I have loved them and that is a gift for both of us. 

Calling of the Heart

My job as a recruitment specialist often takes me to conferences where I set up a table with Hands Across the Water's information on foster care and adoption.  My goal is to share information with people who may be considering becoming a foster parent.  The latest conference I attended was a teacher training conference.  I was unsure if there would be any interest from this group because teacher's deal with children all day long.  Would they have any interest in fostering?  I was surprised by the level of interest.  Potential foster parents can be found anywhere or be anyone.  As someone who is a professional in the foster care world, I cannot predict who may have already been touched by some aspect of foster care.  Some visitors to my table have been foster parents in the past.  Some are grandparents with the possibility of kinship care in their future.  The most common type of people who visit me are people who have thought about fostering for a long time and have not done anything about it.  Recruiting foster parents is not like convincing a potential buyer to buy a product.  Foster parenting seems to be a calling of the heart.  People have been touched by the thought of fostering long before I come along with my information table.  Essentially, my job is to talk and share information.  Ironically, I was very resistant to becoming a foster parent myself!  I was more interested in adoption in the beginning than actually helping a child in need.  I have always wanted a large family, but after the birth of my third child I experienced some really frustrating fertility issues.  It wasn't long before I started researching adoption.  I started my search for an older child in the United States in the age range of 5 to 8 years old.  I thought this would be a piece of cake.  The news is always talking about older children who need homes.  However, this route proved unsuccessful for us.  A helpful social worker gently suggested foster care.  I was nervous about this option but open to exploring it.  My husband was not interested in foster care at all.  I have to confess that I tend to focus on beautiful children to the exclusion of reality.  My husband is much more practical and thinks about financial issues and space issues.  As I researched foster care, I realized that this was the path we had been searching for without realizing it and I quickly brought my husband over to my way of thinking.  Here are my top two reasons for choosing foster care (forgive me if they are a little selfish).  First, there are young children entering foster care all the time.  As a foster parent I would be the first in line to receive this child.  Adopting domestically meant that I would be adopting a child from a foster home.  Therefore, my house would be the third place the child would land, if not more.  Second, the child would be younger if I was the first in line.  These reason's are still true.  There are many, many teenagers in foster care who need homes but there are also children of all ages.  My story had a happy ending with my two little boys who we have now adopted.  I have also learned of the amazing benefits to fostering a teenager (but that topic is for another post).  As a recruitment specialist, I have found the perfect job for me because I love to talk about children and foster care.  Foster parenting is not a job, it is labor of love.  It is no wonder that the idea to foster a stranger's child begins in the heart.  If you have an interest in finding out more information about fostering a child, visit http://www.hatw.org/

Resentment, Frustration and all the Rest of those Negative Feelings

Lately, I have been feeling nothing but frustration with things happening in my house.  Things are in a rut and not moving forward.  One child is having trouble at school, another has dating troubles and if I have to call the social security office one more time this week I am going to scream.  This would be the short list of my frustrations occurring right now in my house.  Sometimes, despite training and experience in parenting, I just don't seem to make in any progress with the kids.  All parents experience frustration and feel like giving up.  Is it any different for a foster parent?  The answer is no, of course not.  However, foster parents are under scrutiny at all times and perception matters.  People tend to see foster parents as angels or devils.  In the media, we are portrayed as child abusers or money grubbers.  People in my community often say, "Oh I could never do that!"  As if I am doing something that is either insane or angelic.  Actually, I don't feel like I fit in either category.  I love my kids.  I celebrate their successes and agonize over their troubles.  I also experience feelings of frustration, anger and resentment.  I get tired of giving.  There are times when I really need a break from the chaos that is in my home.  With six children, I do not have free time.  Rarely is the family television available for something that I might want to watch.  I count free time as time in the car traveling or waiting to pick up a child from an event.  I keep magazines in my care just hoping for a quiet moment of reading.  So, yes, there are times when I have had enough.  Times when I resent all the people around me (even my husband).  I think it is safe to say that I am only human.  However, as a foster parent, others are quick to judge.  My actions are under suspicion at all times as the system needs to watch carefully for signs of abuse.  I understand it, but I don't like it.  I even hesitated to write about the subject but I have always been a person who would rather discuss things rather than sweep them under the rug.  I have days where I love my children beyond description and days where I hate my children beyond description.  Having frustrating days is part of the job description and does not make me a lousy or abusive parent.  If anything, negative feelings make me a better parent in the long run.  They help me recognize problem areas and learn about myself as a person.  So let's look at my frustration list again.  I have now moved the problem student to a new school where his needs can be identified and addressed.    I had a long talk with my daughter dating someone she likes to be with instead of needy boys.  Last of all, I hired a lawyer to deal with social security.  I am going to let someone else deal with that pile of frustration.  I also believe very strongly in attending foster parent support groups.  These are people who are carrying the same bucket of frustration as you are and they can help.  This group is a place where I can talk safely and air my frustrations.  It is a great place for sharing ideas and just talking it out.  Even just sitting and listening in a foster parent support group helps me feel like I am not alone and I can tackle my list of frustrations again.  Then, the next time someone in my house leaves their dirty dishes where they shouldn't, I can just smile and let it go.  Or maybe not!!!!