Foster Parents Anywhere?

The Role of a Foster Dad

2012-02-27T12:27:00.001-08:00

My husband is the most supportive man on this earth. He happened to marry a woman who loves children. I am not sure that this was really the best choice for him because he was the oldest of five kids in his family. I remember when we were dating, he would talk about being the oldest in a large family. He helped out a lot and felt that he had already experienced enough of raising children. However, he was game for one or two children after we had been married for a few peaceful years. Neither one of us really had any clue where life would lead us and now we are proud parents to 6 children. How cool is that? See, now that is my attitude. My husband's is a bit more stoic in nature. When I wanted to have another baby, he would remind me that someday they would be teenagers and I should think ahead a little bit. I never did and still do not look as far into the future as I should. I am still captivated by children. I often get asked how my husband feels about the foster kids. I happily reply that he is my partner and we work together. I tend to leave out the learning curve we both experienced in the early years of fostering. Each child I gave birth too changed our marriage in small ways and so too did each foster child who entered our lives. With the biological children we adjusted to always putting them first, sleep deprivation, and a tight budget. These same challenges happen with foster kids, but they can be magnified. Putting a foster child first in our lives did not come naturally at first. It was something we had to work at by focusing and sharing the work load. Finances can be strained as funding from the state takes a few weeks to process. I am sure I could write a book on the effects of sleep deprivation in parents. That part is the hardest of all for me. In our household, Dad is focused on the practical side of things. He is the consistent one in the discipline department. He balances our financial spending to make sure I don't spend every dime we have on the children. He takes the kids out of the house and away from me when I have reached the end of my emotional rope. Our partnership has grown and bloomed as we raise children together. We argued and communicated our way though the roughs spots as most couples do.
A Dad plays an important role in raising children and again this is magnified with foster children. Many foster kids have never experienced a positive male role model in their lives (this can be reversed to where they have never experienced a positive female role model too). My husband is very good at waiting for a child to accept him. He joins in with court dates, car driving and doctors appointments whenever possible. He becomes an important feature in their lives often before the child realizes it is happening. Shelly calls me Mom and wants a mother daughter relationship with me. But she calls my husband by his first name and often tiptoes around him. Shelly was raised by her biological father and suffered abuse at his hand. She is not going to open her heart easily to another father figure. However, she knows he cares about her and will provide for her. These are some of the first steps needed to form a bond. Diamond (an eight year old past foster child in our home) also spent several months watching my husband quietly before accepting him into her life. Foster Father's have the opportunity to show foster kids what a good Father should look like. I hope that when the kids leave our home they will carry with them the image of positive parents and use that knowledge to become a positive parent themselves.

Extended Family

2012-02-20T16:40:00.000-08:00

I have been blessed in my life with a wonderful extended family. Many times my parents or my in-laws have provided a listening ear, babysitting, or financial help when my family is in need. We support each other and look out for each other. However, the announcement that my husband and I wished to foster children caused some in my extended family to wonder if we had lost our minds. My husband and I had many discussions about how our decision would affect those around us. Of course, our biological children would face the highest level of change in their lives but how would this affect Grandma and Grandpa? This is a really important question to answer because having foster kids in my home does affect Grandma and Grandpa in a big way. Don't forget that this will also affect Grandma and Grandpa who live far away too. I chose to write about extended family today because one of our Grandma's (we have three in our family) did a really nice thing for Shelly this weekend. She took her to a college hockey game. Grandma has season tickets to just about every sport in our University town and often takes grandchildren or donates tickets to our family for a fun event. It was Shelly's first time attending a college hockey game and she had a wonderful time. It was a really nice thing for Grandma to do because it showed Shelly that she is a part of the family and not an outsider. Foster kids feel like outsiders a lot even when the family works hard to prevent this perception. It takes time to become a member of the family when you are joining the family a little late in the game. This perception is heightened when there are family gatherings or holiday's. The extended family also needs to work at accepting a stranger into what is usually a closed circle. This is hard. It is hard for everyone involved until a comfort level is reached. It requires an open mind and an open heart. It is also important to remember that extended family do not go through the training that foster parents do. They are thrown cold turkey into this crazy situation. I appreciate my family's willingness to learn and adjust because they have added an extra layer of support and love for my family and the foster kids. When my Dad came to town for a visit he took us all out for dinner, foster kids included. When my family went up north to visit my Mom, she took us all to the Putt Putt golf course. This was a first time thing for the eight year old foster child I had at the time. My mom was deeply touched by the joy this little girl showed at each new hole. My in-laws live close by and are always available for babysitting. This is a life saving service for a foster parent. The memories we now have as a family are priceless for all of us. If your extended family is nervous or doubtful about the new children in your home, be patient and reassuring. Grandparents may enjoy a book on the subject or attend a training class with you. Foster children need grandparents in their lives too!

Discipline Ideas

2012-02-06T12:34:00.000-08:00

Discipline is a hot topic my household. My husband and I have and many discussions over how to discipline our children. Now I should pause here consider if "discussion' is the proper word here. I could easily insert the words argument, disagreement, or just endless dialog. Maybe some couples totally agree on the proper technique for discipline but that is just not our style. We have been married for 25 years and have managed to find some common ground (thank goodness!) but we have discovered that the kids benefit more from our differences than if we just picked one style and stuck with it. Notice also that this topic is not limited to discipling foster children.  Whether you have foster children, adopted chilldren or biological children in your home, your style should be the same for all.
I have learned what works for me and my family by trial and error. My husband is very consistant and never forgets about a punishment he has handed down. I, on the other hand, have been know to put a child on the naughty spot and forget they are there! My teenagers know that if they are grounded for a week, there is a 50/50 chance that I won't remember the punshiment by Wednesday. In self defense, there are six of them and only one of me. That addes up to a lot of punishments to keep track of. As a compromise between us, we keep the punishments simple and short. The younger kids have to sit on the naughty spot. I stole this concept directly from SuperNanny on television (that woman is a genius by the way). The naughty spot in our house is the stairway leading to upstairs. They have to sit there for about 5 minutes, then aplogize for the behavior. It works really well beause it is short, simple and easy to enforce. A wiggly child can have the whole stairway to feel naughty in. I don't care if they are at the top or bottom.  The older kids loose things like a cell phone or gas money. This eliminates the need for me to keep track of the punishment becasue a teenager won't let me forget that their cell phone has been turned off for one single minute of that long week. For the record, I did spank my first three biological children but I am proud to say that that form of punishment is long gone in our household.  Spanking usually comes with an emotion like anger or frustration. Discipline should not be done out of strong emotions but more as a form of teaching and redirecting behavior.  The ultimate goal of discipline should be to change or stop undesirable behavior. I have learned that the outcome is much more important the punishment itself. I want my kids to learn that hitting is bad and unacceptable behavior. If they receive naughty spot time each time hitting happens, they learn not to do it. Breaking curfew always results in loss of cell phone. Again they learn not to come home past the appropriate time.  Punishment should always have a purpose or a goal to be effective. It also needs to be the same each time.  My husband has convinced me that being consistant each time produces results. Kids understand consistency.
I think it is important to remember that nobody can make you more angry than your children. Admit it and then forgive yourself for it. It is a natural response to someone you love deeply, challenging your authortity or embarrassing you in public. I have said to all of my kids at one time or another, "I am too angry to talk to you right now". Then I make them wait until I am calm again.  This is where my husband can help. Sometimes he is the calm one and can deal with the situation better than when I am all worked up.  Sometimes it is the other way around. It helps me to have a known punishment in place for any future bad behavior. I don't have to think about it, I just have to apply it. My advice boils down to this, do your best, keep your cool, and try, try again.   Raising kids is a journey for parents as well as the kids.

Respite Care

2012-02-01T11:23:00.000-08:00

Recently, I was asked to be on a panel made up of foster parents at a Save Our Children Coalition (SOCC) meeting. You can visit SOCC website at http://saveourchildrencoalition.org/ for more information about this wonderful group. In a nut shell, the SOCC brings professionals together with interested people to gather ideas and forge ties to help them work together. The members of the panel each described their situation and the audience asked questions. One of the topics that the group lingered on for some time was respite care. Respite care is a licensed foster home that essentially babysits for another. Honestly, for a foster family, respite care is very hard to find. When I was a foster parent, I used my mother-in-law when I had an emergency. She was not licensed but I made sure that my social worker had given her approval for short time periods. However, there are situations where a foster family needs babysitter for overnight care or just a several day break from the difficulties involved in caring for high needs children. I think respite care is a very bad label for a great thing. The word respite seems to imply that the children are so awful that the caregiver needs to escape from them! The reality is that foster families have lives outside of their work in foster care and everyone needs a break from work once in awhile. Some of the reasons for using respite care that came from our panel included a family wedding in another state, court appearances (for other foster children), time spent with a spouse, and of course, just taking a break. Foster families work hard. We open our homes, our families and our hearts to strangers. If a foster family requests respite care, you can be sure that it is probably highly necessary. Another area that often goes hand in hand with respite care is emergency placements. Sometimes a social worker needs to place a child for a short time until other arrangements can be made. For instance, this week at Hands Across the Water a newborn needed a temporary home of a few days to a week. Sometimes a sibling group needs to be placed separately for a night or a weekend until family arrangements can be made. The bottom line is there is significant need for licensed homes to be available for these short term situations. Respite care or emergency placement is a great way for a family to try out foster care. A family can experiment on a very short term basis with having a strange child in the home. Older children can see what it is like for Mom and Dad to have another child in the house. The benefits are many in this situation. If you are exploring the idea of fostering, please consider respite care or emergency placement.

Things Foster Kids are Scared Of

2012-01-30T12:39:00.000-08:00

A fellow blogger sent me a wonderful list of 10 things that children are scared of. Here is the link if you would like to take a look http://www.findababysitter.org/blog/10-different-monsters-that-scare-children/. Foster kids are scared of the same things that other kids are scared of like the dark or a monster under the bed but often they have a few extra that will surprise you. Some are afraid of attending a new school. This is obviously because they tend to get moved around a lot. Some are more scared of a new foster family than their own birth home and all of its problems. This too, is understandable as the new and unknown is often far more frightening than the familiar. I had one emergency placement of a 4 year old boy for a weekend who was terrified to be separated from his siblings. The social worker had no choice but to divide up the sibling group of five because there was no foster home available to handle that many children at once. This poor little guy was just lost without his older brother. Thankfully, his older brother's name was Michael which happened to be the same as my oldest child. That seemed to help a little bit. He only stayed with us for the weekend and when I took him to the agency on Monday to be reunited with his siblings the joy on his face was a sight to see. I had another young lady who was frightened of WalMart. Apparently she and her siblings had been abandoned by her mother in a Walmart when she was 5 years old. I met her when she was 17 and the fear was still very strong. Foster kids are not just afraid of the traditional things that young children are afraid of. Foster children have seen the darker side of life and been exposed to things that are heartbreaking to describe. Hunger, physical or sexual abuse and neglect are common in this group. However, these kids are survivors. They have learned how to cope and function in the environment they have been given. A foster parent can make a tremendous difference in a foster child's life by providing a loving home and encouraging a bond of trust. These children can work to conquer their unusual fears if they are working from a place where they feel safe. If your home means safety and security to a foster child, you have already given them some important tools to fight the boogieman and anything else they may be afraid of.

Pets and Foster Kids

2012-01-23T11:25:00.000-08:00

I am a pet person. You would know this the minute you knocked upon my door and heard the chorus of barking that accompanies each door bell ring. I have three dogs named Sam, Rocky, and Artie who make all the racket when you come to the door. Two of them are very friendly and wish to greet the latest person to visit their household. The third is more protective and shows this by continuing to bark when you come in the door. One question I hear often from people considering fostering is, "Is it okay to have pets?" The answer is yes, yes and yes! Our pets are a special part of our family. I do not have cats but I have had lizards, guinea pigs and various hamsters who share the house with the dogs. I am not sure if my dogs actually know who lives in our house. In addition to foster kids, we have friends who spend the night and significant others (boyfriends/girlfriends) who spend a lot of time at the house. My daughter Brynna just broke up with her boyfriend of more than year. He used to walk the dog and take naps with him. I am sure that Rocky is going to miss him being around. The foster kids who have lived in my house seem to enjoy the pets that we have. When life is hard or stressful, a pet is a wonderful cuddling ball of fur. A dog or a cat can provide unlimited amounts of unconditional love. One of my kids would always spend 30 minutes stroking Sam after a stressful visit with a birth parent. Sam seemed to understand the child's need and would just snuggle and accept the love. It is a wonderful sight for me to watch a dog heal a child's hurt when no one else can. Your pets are important enough to be included in your home study and a social worker will keep your pets in mind when placing a child. Walking the dog or feeding the cat are wonderful chores for a foster child to participate in. These kids need to experience a normal life and what is more normal than cleaning out a litter box? Shelly appreciates Rocky's protective nature. He barks when he hears noises and does not let strangers in the house. This helps her feel safe and protected from the danger her birth parents represent to her. Foster kids have seen and experienced too many of the bad things in this world. Pets can gently show them the good side of life again.

My Foster Family is Just Different

2012-01-23T10:59:00.000-08:00

I live in a small subdivision with nice, well kept houses. I often think that my house must stand out like a sore thumb. I have this vision in my head of a cartoon house with children hanging out of the windows, multiple dogs barking, and chickens running around the front yard. Okay, I don't have chickens but I do have a lot of children and dogs (I have 3 of those). I also don't live in fear of offending my neighbors but I do wonder what crosses their mind as they glance down the street at my house. The most noticeable feature of my home is the number of cars parked in the driveway. My husband and I each have a car, Michael and Brynna each have a car, and a dump truck that is part of my son's snowplowing business. That adds up to five cars in the driveway and we are always shuffling them to let one another out. Michael also does work as a mechanic and there is usually an additional car parked in the garage that he is working on. Brynna has friends who drive and they stop by and park their car at the curb. I am sure you get the idea that we look a bit like a used car lot around here. I also have three dogs who are free to roam in our fenced in back yard. Barking is probably a factor for my neighbors although I am not going to ask unless they bring it up. If I were a neighbor looking in, I am sure my first thought would be, "Who actually lives in that house?" When you are a foster family, your family never looks the same from month to month. Children come and go, social workers and lawyers come and go too. My house is a very busy location. Our family is out in public quite a bit too. I remember one summer I did a lot of volunteering for the local Little League and all my kids would go with me to work the concession stand at the baseball fields. A curious mother asked about my latest foster daughter. I think she wasn't sure who she belonged too. So I told her that the girl was mine. She replied, " I thought she just like to hang out with your family because she is always with you!" The changing status of my family was noticeable again this week when my Dad came from North Carolina for a visit. I long ago faced the fact that my family is very overwhelming as a large group. With that in mind, Dad and I visited over a two week period and he enjoyed smaller combinations of his grandchildren, depending on who was traveling with me on that day. Dad gamely purchased dinner at a restaurant for whichever family combination appeared. Thanks Dad! The bottom line is that my foster family attracts attention in whatever situation we land in. I may have a child of a different race, I may have a lot of children all at once, I may be carrying a baby in a car seat. People are curious and will ask questions. I am proud of my changing family and I do not mind answering polite questions. However, beware of people who will rudely ask for personal information. They are out there and it happens more often than it should. I will happily give a quick explanation but I will not share the fact that my foster child has family difficulties. As foster parents we need to protect our foster children's stories. After all, it is their personal history and not our story to share. Imagine being the foster child listening to foster parent describing their personal family secrets to a stranger! I would be horrified or at least embarrassed if I was the foster child. There are good people out there who are just curious and there are nosy people. I learned how to tell the difference very quickly. I am grateful that I have very nice neighbors who are not nosy and just accept the crazy cartoon house at the end of the street.

Fostering a Teenager

2012-01-18T18:12:00.000-08:00

I just attended an orientation meeting for potential foster parents at Hands Across the Water. I have attended this type of meeting before as a foster parent but this was my first time as a professional in the field. My function there was to answer questions from a practical stand point as someone who has experienced many of the ups and downs of foster care. During the meeting there were several questions asked about teenagers and their behavior. Out of all the children in foster care the largest percentage of them are teenagers. Agencies and the Department of Human Services are always in need of foster parents for this challenging age group. I have four teenagers living in my home ranging in age from 15 to 19. I would like to think that I understand this challenging group pretty well, but I am not going to say that without knocking on a big piece of wood. What is it that scares us away from offering our home to a teenager? The question at the meeting that got my brain hooked on this topic was interesting. Someone asked if the state would reimburse them if a child damaged their home. I had a silent laugh to myself as I remember the three distinct dents in my front door made by three different fists. The answer to the question is that the home owner would need to access their homeowners policy as the state will not cover damages. I actually have no idea what my front door is made of, but it is obviously not dent proof! I should tell you that the dents were made by two of my biological kids and not the foster kids. Teenagers fascinate me. I used to be afraid of my kids growing up and turning into awful teenagers but now that I am living with them it is not the nightmare I imagined. The first benefit of a teenager over a small child is that they can talk to you and tell you how they are feeling (they may not, but they can if they so choose). The second benefit is that they can help out around the house. They can perform as much work as I can and actually be useful (again, they can, but they may choose not to). I love the fact that my kids have formed their own opinions about right and wrong and are not afraid to speak up for themselves. Jason was accused at school today of stealing someones Ipod. He has his own and is not a thief and so was very offended when he was called down to the principles office. The principle further offended him by checking the serial number on the back. Later in the day, the same Ipod was confiscated by a teacher and she proceeded to look at the content on the Ipod. Jason knew this was his personal property and what the teacher was doing was wrong. So he told her so and requested that she turn off the Ipod while it was in her possession. I was proud of him for the way that he handled the situation. He was upset but calmly defended himself. If this had happened to an elementary age child, I would have been called into the Principal's office with the child and I would have had to defend the child. I like my child defending himself and his character. I believe what is scary about fostering a teen is the possible lack of control we have over a foster teen. If I am fostering a child younger than 8 years old, I know I can say no and enforce the rules. If the rules are broken, I can apply a time out. Teenagers have out grown time outs. I can ground them but what is to stop a teen from leaving the house if they are really set on doing so? I ask this question from experience with my biological children. My oldest refused to be grounded and would just walk out of the house! What control does a foster parent have over a foster teen if you can't keep them in the house? This is where parenting a teenager becomes interesting. Biological and foster parents need to find out what the teenager cares about and what matters most to them. This information can be used to motivate the teenager. For instance, my son who walked out of the house, values his cell phone above all else. I quickly learned how to shut if off without forcing a confrontation. The cellphone company has a place on their website where the phone can be temporarily deactivated. What a fabulous invention! From that moment on, I was able to motivate him in the direction I wanted him to go. A teenager needs to feel like they have some control over their own lives and control is in short supply for a foster teen. Many of them want to return to their birth families even though the environment may not be safe. The potential to help a teenager learn to make good choices and gradually take control of their own lives is huge. Teenagers are a challenge but the reward for successfully parenting a teen is worth it.

Placement Call

2012-01-17T12:34:00.000-08:00

I spent a lot of time preparing to be a foster parent. Months of paper work and hours of training that seemed to last forever led up to this placement call. My husband and I poured over the paperwork and talked endlessly about the type of child we felt we could handle. Compared to the preparation, the call is less than a moment in time. However, it is an amazing moment in time. I will change a child's life with the decision that I make. Do I have room for another child? Is the child the correct age to fit in with my family. Am I ready? These are just a few of the thoughts that bounce through my head. The social worker on the other end wants to know immediately if I can take a child because she has a list of possibilities that she is working her way down. When I first became a foster parent my criteria was for a child 0-5 years old. I had older kids in my home and I wanted to start with an age group that I was comfortable with. However, my first call was completely out of my age range. The social worker wanted to know if I would consider taking a child who was 8 years old. Here was an opportunity to be mad at my social worker (there are usually plenty of those!). She knew that we wanted to foster a young child in the hopes of adopting. Why was she calling me about an 8 year old that she knew was not what I wanted. Instead of getting mad, I asked a few more questions. Why was I on the list for this child? The answer surprised me. She lived two blocks from my house and the social worker was hoping that she could continue to attend the elementary school she was familiar with. A foster family often receives calls of this nature when certain criteria fit the child in need. A good social worker has the best interest of the child in mind when working on a placement. In the end, I was glad the worker called me because I knew the child from my crossing guard job. She had crossed at my corner everyday and how could I not take her? For me, the minute the child has a face or a name, I am a goner. So the social worker brought her to my house. I can't help feeling nervous and excited at the same time. I get the same feeling when I am welcoming a baby placement. Each new child brings change and a new adventure. Placements arrive in many different ways. One baby was brought to me with a car seat and one outfit. Another baby I picked up from the agency. This one came with a diaper bag but no bottles. Both babies sent my husband running to the store to pick up necessary emergency items. Each time the social worker shares the information that she has and promises more as soon as she can get it. Foster kids usually come with almost no clothes, no supplies and very little information. As a foster parent, I have learned to ask as many questions as I can think of before the social worker leaves. I did not know this during my first placement and it was two months into fostering that I found out the child's mother was in an inpatient facility for substance abuse. The typical stay there is 90 days. I am sure the little girl would have benefited from knowing that her mother was safe and trying to get better. I have had to turn down placements for several reasons. It is important that a foster parent feel comfortable refusing a placement. It is not a good start if a placement begins with the foster parent having doubts. I have turned down a placement because I needed to take a break and gather my strength again. I have turned down a placement when I feel overwhelmed. It is important to feel confident in your decision either way. The child coming to live with you deserves to have you at full strength and ready to tackle any issues that come your way.

Those Scary Lables on Foster Kids

2012-01-08T21:24:00.000-08:00

Just before I started this blog, I took a class on how to blog. The teacher of the class was very interested in my subject matter (foster parenting) and said that it was an uncommon topic. I decided that I would not go searching around for other foster parent blogs because I did not want to be influenced by the content of another. I broke that promise today because I could not resist the impulse to see what was out there. As I read with fascination, I could not help noting some of the scarier stories out there. Most of these stories included behavioral or emotional problems. I remember during my pre-foster care training that there were certain behavioral labels that scared me. Take a quick glance at the Michigan Adoption Resource Exchange (http://www.mare.org/) photo listing. Under each child listed in a photo listing is four categories: physical, emotional, mental, and learning. Each categories is filled in from none to severe. The first child I clicked on had severe emotional problems and moderate learning disabilities. The second child on the list had moderate listed in all categories and the list goes on. There is not a child on the list with an empty category. That is scary to me as a parent. Can I parent a child with a severe label or even a moderate label? I have three biological children so I started to put labels on them just for grins. I stopped pretty quickly because that got scary too! Adoptive and foster parents have a unique problem when it comes to labels. They are allowed to choose the type and kind of child they believe they can handle. Biological parents are just stuck with whatever they are blessed with. Let me put some perspective on that last statement by sharing some of the labels I think apply to my biological children. One is aggressive, another is highly emotional, and one may have mild learning disabilities. That equals one severe and two moderates. I am not sure that my biological children are adoptable if I am just reading the labels! The point of this exercise is that all children have problems. Foster kids may have larger problems and they may have smaller problems. It depends upon the child and the situation. I would like to tell foster parents to read the labels but don't be scared by them. Foster parents have access to support and services that biological parents have to work harder to find. My 6 year old, Nathan, was born addicted to crack. I had no idea what kind of future problems might be in store for him. I did as much research as I could and it appeared to the kind of thing I felt comfortable handling, so I jumped in. My social worker recommended the Early On program to me. They came to my home and tested Nathan through play and taught me methods to help him. An Early On social worker visited with me weekly to teach me new things and watch for new behaviors. He went from a baby who recoiled from touch to a healthy and happy child. I just recently had a conference with his first grade teacher and shared his background with her. I want her to join me in watching for any red flags that may indicate a learning problem. She was astounded at his background because there are no signs of it beyond remaining in speech. I want to say in capital letters that these kids can be helped with some additional effort. I have also found that these kids are survivors and they want to be helped. The things that they have survived are far more horrific than these silly labels they now live with. Please don't let a severe or moderate label scare you away from a child that you can help. What children of any age need the most is parents to love them and support them. Just love them and watch them bloom like a flower in the sun. It is amazing!

Visitation part II

2012-01-03T21:55:00.000-08:00

I hope that I don't sound too negative about visitation with birth parents. The foster parent plays a very important role in the reunification process when it comes to visitation. However, it is a stressful situation for all people involved. I believe it is important for foster parents to remember that birth parents love their children regardless of the abuse or neglect they may have inflicted upon the child. This was a very difficult concept for me to understand until I actually witnessed this love. Previously, I have discussed how Dylan came into my care and some of the neglect he suffered. However, there is more to the story. Dylan had a twin sister. Both babies struggled as newborns to gain weight so the pediatrician recommended that a home nurse visit regularly to monitor their condition. The home nurse is the person who witnessed enough neglect to inform social services that there was a problem. During the investigation process, Dylan's sister passed away. On the day of her burial, Dylan was removed from the home at three months old and brought to me. I learned his story from the nurse who continued her visits in my home instead. Sometimes a foster parent learns bits of information from different sources and it is very hard to remain objective and nonjudgmental. This was the case for me when I had to bring Dylan for his visit. These visits happened once a week and after two or three times I had gotten more comfortable with the routine. Just when I was getting comfortable another bomb dropped. The social worker wanted to include me in the visit to provide support and encouragement. Uhggg! Support and encouragement to people I believed harmed their children. Impossible! However, this is not an unusual request in the world of foster parenting. If things are done correctly, a foster parent can act as a mentor and provided support to the birth parent. The statistics have proven that working together for the child is highly effective. However, the statistics say nothing about how emotionally difficult this is for both sides to accomplish. It is normal for a foster parent to feel protective of the child and to form their own opinions about what happened. After all, it is foster mom and dad who is dealing with the aftermath of the situation in the everyday life of the child. I have also found that the birth parents have feelings of their own that surprised me. Dylan's birth mother thought I wanted to take him away from her. She also felt that I would judge her skills as a mother. As a foster parent, neither of these ideas is in my job description. It is the social worker's job to judge the birth parents for parental fitness. I did not enter foster care to take a child from someone else. I wanted to help a child in need and provide a family for a child who no longer had one. Face to face meetings between foster parents and birth parents can alleviate preconceived ideas on both sides and that is the strength behind this idea that seems insane on paper. Dylan's mother and I never had any heart to heart conversations that cleared the air, but I could see the love she had for him and the pain she felt at not being with him. Dylan's birth father always held him very gently and quietly absorbed the wonderful feelings experienced by just being with him. I served my function by telling them about his achievements and appetite during the week. Despite the love they had for Dylan, neither parent was able to overcome their addictions and follow the plan set forth by a judge to get him back. After a year, they stopped showing up at visits and their rights were terminated. Yes, I was relieved because it was always stressful (I am only human). Dylan become our fifth child another year after that. I am grateful that I was able to spend some time with his birth parents now because when he gets older I can tell him what they looked like and how much they loved him. Every year on his birthday we place a candle on the cake for his sister, Jessica, so that he can remember her too. I share Dylan's story with you because foster parenting is emotional work and I want to help others be the best foster parents they can be. I believe that we should always remember that a child's life is a stake in the work of fostering. The success of a foster parent can be measured in a healthy and happy child as I can clearly see each day in Dylan.

Visitation with Birth Parents, Part I

2011-12-31T23:21:00.000-08:00

I believe that I have written before about becoming a foster parent to adopt a child. During the course of my training, the topic of visitation with birth parents was never discussed. I don't know whether this topic was omitted or avoided, but the result was that I felt completely blindsided when a visit with birth mom was scheduled for me and my new foster baby. Dylan was 3 months old when he arrived at my home. The most notable characteristic about Dylan was that he was hungry. He was a very affectionate and cuddly baby but he always wanted a bottle. He either had one or wanted one. There was no in between time when he was happy, full and content. At three months old he weighed just over 7 pounds and he was tiny!. This was a baby who failed to thrive because his parents didn't feed him. You can imagine my surprise when visitation was scheduled. After two weeks of around the clock bottles for this baby, I had formed some very negative opinions about his birth parents. My social worker told me that all I had to do was bring the baby to DHS (Department of Human Services) and hand him to her. She would take him in for a one hour visit and then I could pick him up again. At this point, I have to confess that as a foster parent I was never able to keep myself separate from my foster kids. From the moment they arrived in my home I felt protective of them. Since Dylan was just a tiny hungry baby, this feeling was twice as strong. The thought of dropping him off made me feel nauseous. However, I knew this was part of my job as a professional parent. I kept repeating the words, reunification to myself over and over. After all, the primary goal of fostering a child is to help a family get back together again. The protective mother bear feelings came as a big surprise to me. I did not expect to feel that strongly about this child. Dylan was supposed to be a short term placement and prospects looked good for his return to his birth family. I knew from the beginning that I was not going to be able to adopt him. Where did those strong feelings come from? The best explanation I have is that as a woman, I am built to be a mother. I have discovered over the years that I will mother anyone who comes in my door. Anyone could be defined as a foster child, the little girl from next door or a teenage friend. I will feed them and make sure they have a coat on. I just cannot shut off the mother switch. Dylan's fragile state when he arrived intensified my feelings of protectiveness. I did not trust his birth parents, so I had put my trust in my social worker. It was the longest hour of my life as I sat in the parking lot waiting for Dylan to be returned to me. When a foster parent opens their home to a child, they also open their hearts. It is this kind heart that has led us to help a child in need in the first place. This kind heart is our best asset despite the fact that it opens us up to pain when the child leaves or fear when we need to put the child in someone else's hands temporarily. The loving heart is what gets us through the rough spots and helps us provide a loving home to a stranger. Do not fight those feelings when they come. Embrace them and the child and let things work themselves out. After all, things happen very slowly in foster care, but that is the subject of another post.

Food is a Big Deal

2011-12-27T19:41:00.000-08:00

Remember when the neighbor kid comes over and wants to stay for dinner? Everyone likes spagetti, but at first bite the neighbor pulls a face and is done eating. The noodles are the wrong size or the sauce has lumps; the face says it all. Feeding a foster child is like feeding the neighbor child three times a day. It does not matter what age the child is. You are going to experience drama with food. The most important thing to remember is that the child is not intentionally being rude or ungrateful. Most of the time the child has just never been taught the correct response to liking or disliking food. Some foster kids are extremely picky and others cannot stop eating. Nathan was a three month old baby when he came to our family so we did not experience food issues until he just over a year. Seven months later, I thought food would not be a problem. Silly me. Nathan has issues with textures. For the first three months of his life he sat in a car seat and had a bottle propped up. He did not know how to cuddle or how to receive touch. With the help of a wonderful organization called First Steps I learned how to teach him to like touch. We always touched him gently and slowly. When we held him, we would run our fingers lightly up and down his arm or around his face. For a normal child who has been held since birth, this is extremely ticklish and cannot be tolerated for long. Nathan grew to love it and would ask his Grandpa to do it every time he came over. When he crawled, he would only crawl on the carpet and never on the hard floor. Grass outside was intolerable until he was almost three years old. Food is all about texture, which I learned pretty quickly. If it was sticky or slippery, Nathan would not eat it. Everything I put on his plate was poked with one finger and judged immediately. Nathan is six years old now and most of his touch issues are behind him but his menu remains very limited to normal kid food. It includes his three staples of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, macaroni and cheese and spagettios. My eight year old foster daughter, Diamond, loved to eat. I got the impression that her mom relied heavily on frozen food to feed her. Oatmeal and scrambled eggs were new foods to her and she loved them immediately. She was not afraid to try things. However, Diamond's mom would forget to bring home food when she was drinking so Diamond would have to make do. One day I was picking up Diamonds room I found some bananas going bad under her bed. The next day there was a box of cereal. Thanks to my foster parent training, I knew this was a neglected child saving food for the day when she would not have any. I waited until I had her on an errand in the car away from the other kids and told her that I found some food under her bed. She was quiet about it. I reassured her that there was always enough food in our house and she did not have to save any. She was allowed to go in the cupboards and refrigerator whenever she wished. The hoarding did not stop right way but I kept reminding Diamond that food would always be available and eventually it stopped. I felt it was important not to make her feel bad and to allow her to do what made her feel more comfortable. Food for Shelly at 17 is a funny issue to me. Shelly will try just about anything but when she doesn't like something the effect is immediate. She shivers and gets this screwed up look on her face. Some times the food gets spit right back out. I cannot help but laugh every time it happens. She is just so dramatic about it that is hilarious. I think it is important for a foster parent to buy food that the child likes. First, this makes your job of encouraging good eating habits so much easier. Second, it is good for my biological kids to experience some new stuff. Shelly does not like eggs in any form, so I make sure that I have serve other things with eggs that she likes. Nathan has been taught to try something new with his macaroni and cheese. Diamond loved lasagna and when I made it, I always announced that we were eating Diamond's lasagna for dinner. Kids who have been neglected come to us in many forms that often include malnourishment, pickyness, and hoarding. These are things that a foster parent can work on and fix. My goal as a foster parent is always to heal the hurt. Find out what your foster child likes to eat and serve it often. Use it as a platform to try new foods and never, never withhold food as a punishment. Food is about love and caring and that is what a foster child needs more than anything.

Those Neglect Stories are Real

2011-12-23T21:00:00.000-08:00

My family has been very busy this week preparing for Christmas this weekend. We did a lot of shopping and baking. I was sitting at the table today working on my shopping lists as my 5 and 6 year old were decorating gingerbread houses. I had found them on sale for $4.00 each on a dash to the discount bread store. Every so often a teenager would wander in and lend a hand. Another teenager wanted to wrap presents so she locked herself in my bedroom with the wrapping paper. It was all very peaceful to me as I watched them work and interact with each other. However, my mind was clouded with stories of past Christmases for my foster kids. A foster child will not sit down and tell you their life story the minute that you ask but bits and pieces come out in the course of daily life. One child told me that she had never gotten a present before. Well, maybe a few but Mom always took them away saying that she was too naughty. She did not get them back. Another told me that she didn't like candy because it made her teeth hurt. When she said that I asked her to open up and let me see. Most of the teeth on the left side of her mouth had cavities so big I could see them. From that moment on, I noticed that she only chewed on the right side of her mouth. A trip to the dentist immediately followed Christmas for that little girl. I grew up in a home that wasn't perfect but my parents loved me and I always had food and clothing. I now know what a blessing that is. These stories are not just a stories of a poor family that can't afford Christmas. These are stories of neglect. My first reaction was disbelieve. I just could not imagine a world where a child did not receive a present or go to the dentist when there is pain. Another young lady knocked my socks off at Walmart when she did not want to go into the bathroom without me. Finally she asked if I would still be there when she came out. I reassured her that I would and that we had shopping to do. She said, "Mom left me and my siblings in a Walmart when we were younger so I get worried." She didn't just mean that they got lost and could not find Mom. She meant Mom got in her car and left on purpose. These kinds of stories leave me with the desire to wrap my arms around that child and not let go and then do it again. Foster parents have the power to heal the wounds from neglect. We cannot take away the wound but we can pour so much love into it that the scar is hardly visible. I am not a miracle worker, nor do I have specialized knowledge in the growth of children, but I know how to love a child unconditionally. I know how to teach a child right from wrong and I know how to be a good example. These are the tools of a foster parent. Anyone with love in their heart can foster a child and make a difference in a child's life.

Foster Parents are Angels

2011-12-20T20:05:00.000-08:00

When I became a foster parent and people began to notice the extra child hanging around with my family, I was called a lot of things. Crazy was usually near the top of list but my favorite was angel. Many people said I was an angel for helping a child in need. I never quite figured out how to reply to that beyond a thank you because I did not feel like an angel. I felt more like an overworked and disorganized mother who had squeezed one more thing onto my plate (maybe that crazy label fits!). Maybe the answer lies in why people become foster parents. I became a foster parent because I wanted to adopt a child. International adoption was far too expensive for me to consider. I already had three biological children so adopting a baby in a domestic adoption didn't seem quite right to me. At the suggestion of an adoption worker, my husband and I decided to give foster care a try. In my opinion, this was not an angelic reason to foster a child. There are people who foster children only out of the kindness of their hearts and that is truly an angelic quality. I think most of us lie somewhere in the middle. Many people become foster parents unexpectedly when they take in children who are related to them. Grandparents who take in their grandchildren fall into this category. These people really deserve the angel label when they are willing to put aside their own interests to raise a child who is not their own. There are some people who do it for the money. I don't believe this is the best reason to foster but as long as there is love and caring involved, it can work too. In defense of this last one, I think we should remember that daycare is a profession and done for money too. I fell in love with fostering children with my very first placement because I love children and I could tell immediately how much the child needed to be loved. My family was able to change a child's life because we opened our door and let her in. I did end up adopting two beautiful little boys from the foster care system. A friend told me that I saved their lives. I am not sure if that is true but they have profoundly changed my life and my family. If that is the work of an angel, then I will gladly sign up!

Sibling Rivalry

2011-12-19T11:51:00.000-08:00

One of the questions I get asked often by people considering entering foster care is, how will my own kids react? Biological parents face this question each time a new child arrives in the family and it is the same for foster families. A new child is arriving in the family. Will the other kids like the child? Will they get along? Will they share? The questions inside a new mother's mind are endless. My oldest son Michael is 19 and still thinks that he should have been an only child. He kindly shared this fact with the social worker who was interviewing us for the home study. As embarrassing as that was, I just decided to be glad he was an honest child and ignore the rest. He was 11 at the time. Michael always stands by his statements and never enjoyed the presence of foster kids in our home. Jason was much more easy going about the whole thing and liked having kids around to play with. Jason has had a much larger challenge than Michael because I fostered a child who is the same age as he is. This is called twinning and it can be very hard on the biological child. Jason was 8 years old when Diamond arrive and she was 8 also. He was spared the worst of it because she was a girl and needed different things than he did. If Diamond had been a boy, then he would have had to share his stuff a lot more. I would like to be able to say that my kids loved all the foster kids we had but it just isn't true. Some they loved, some they hated, and some they tolerated. This subject was brought to the forefront of our family this weekend when Shelly and Jason had a yelling match in the kitchen, pretty much over my head as I was working on my coupons. Shelly and Jason are both learning to drive. That means that they have to share time in the car with me. Dad is not able to share in the driving tutelage because he drives a manual transmission (smart man). This rivalry has grown to competition level as they bicker back and forth over who is the better driver and whose turn it is to drive. The volcano erupted on Saturday when Jason started picking on Shelly because he is grounded from driving and very grumpy about it. Shelly is a tough girl and more than willing to fight back when attacked. By the time the yelling match was brought under control they had covered a variety of topics. Including: don't call my mother mom, I am not a retard/you are, and I don't like you living here. Now, if you are looking for sweetness and family love in this blog, you are not always going to find it. Behind closed doors, families are messy. Jason has issues and he was voicing them at the top of his lungs. I think he speaks for most biological kids at some point in their lives. It is hard to have a stranger living in the house and it is hard to share your mother/father. When this topic comes up in the family, I question my decision to foster. I wonder if I am doing harm to my own children by trying to help another. The best answer that I have is I believe that fostering kids has changed my biological children for the better in the long run. They have been shown an example of kindness and caring by their parents. They have learned that not all kids have a loving mom and dad and need a hand sometimes. My daughter Brynna has brought home kids from school in need of help many times. Michael brought Shelly's abusive situation to our attention because he knew we could help. As I watch my biological children become adults, I know they have been taught to love one another even if that involves yelling in the kitchen once in awhile.

Mom, Aunt, Mrs....What is my name?

2011-12-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

When you meet your foster child for the first time and exchange of names is at the top of the priority list. It is important to call the child the name they are comfortable with. The child might not tell you right away how to address them because it is so personal. A name is a tricky thing for a foster child. They might love their name or hate it. Either way is was given to them by the birth parents and it might be the only thing they will ever get from the birth parents. A new foster child might use their name to signify the huge change in their lives. The newest addition to my family is 17 year old Shelly and she is experimenting with us calling her Rochelle. It is important to honor their name and use it as a sign of respect for their individuality. I confess to using a lot of honey's and sweeties to show affection or to cover up the fact that the new name doesn't just jump right to mind right away! In large families children's names are often part of a list when mom needs to access that name quickly. The foster child is no exception to the name list.
An issue even larger than what to call the child is what does the child call you? I happen to like mom but my biological children hate it when a foster child calls me that. I am their mom and they find it hard to share me sometimes. Shelly calls me mom and that took some time for everyone to adjust too. Shelly wants not contact with her birth family and this is her way of drawing a line between the past and the future. Personally, I think Mrs. McGraw is just to much for someone who eats and sleeps in my home. I like being called Kristen by a foster child but often this raises eyebrows from other people who hear me called by my first name by a 3 year old. I have heard that other foster mother's sometimes like Aunt or Auntie which has a nice ring to it. My name was a big issue for Diamond when she arrived at my house at 8 years old. She stayed in the same school district and would meet me at the corner after school. I happened to be the crossing guard for her school and this made our relationship pretty public right from the beginning. The kids at school wanted to know why Diamond was living with the crossing guard. Diamond was a tough little gal and told them I was her mother. That got some laughs because we were obviously not the same color! She stuck with this story for a long time because she wanted so badly for me to be her real mother. Eventually she settled on telling friends that I took care of her while her mother was away. Which was true because her birth mom was an inpatient at a substance abuse facility. That detail she kept to herself. Diamond ended up calling me Kristen and I called her honey. Diamond spent a year living in my home and then returned to her birth mom. I still miss her and think about her and her beautiful name often.

Christmas and Foster Kids

2011-12-13T12:04:00.000-08:00

Christmas can be hard for any family both financially and emotionally. Family ties are often stressed by big family get togethers. Toss a foster child into the mix and things can get very interesting. My exteneded family had mixed reactions to the news that I am bringing a foster child to Christmas dinner. One side of the family was welcoming with a "more the merrier!" attitude. Other branches found things to stress about. Should they buy a present for the child? How would the child fit in to the family traditions? My feelings about Christmas for a foster child involve wondering how the Christmas budget was going to fit one more child in. The Department of Human Services provides a generous $25 per child. Yes, that is sarcasm. $25 dollars just doesn't go very far. I love my foster kids and I want to provide a proper Christmas for them. I want to see their eyes light up when they see the stocking filled by Santa. Every child deserves this in my opinion. There are wonderful programs out there to help out families in this situation but often registration is required in October. What about the child in my house who arrived in November? I have three biological children too who are going to have a nice Christmas. I want my foster child to feel loved and included in all of our activities. This is an important time to build trust with the new child in my home. A foster child wonders if they can trust me to treat them the same as I treat my own children. A foster child wants to know if the family loves them and Christmas is the perfect time to show that love and create family bonds. One of my girls told me not to worry about Christmas for her because she was used to not receiving anything. When I questioned her further she told me that her mother told her that she was too naughty to get anything from Santa. My heart breaks over statements like that.
Here is what I do. I find the money from somewhere to give that child a decent Christmas. I bring the child to all my exteneded family gatherings and educate the family on the amazing difference they can make in this child's life. It can be uncomfortable at first but everyone can try and it usually works out well in the end. The payoff for me and for my extended family is when that beautiful little girl looks up from a present and asks, "Is this for me?" followed soon after by, "Can I keep it?" As her eyes shine, everyone in the room can feel the profound effect a real Christmas has had upon this little girl.

I am a Foster Parent!

2011-12-12T15:45:00.000-08:00

I have been a foster parent, an adoptive parent and a biological parent. My house and my heart are very full places. Currently, I have 6 children living in my home ages 19, 17, 17, 15, 6 and 5. Three I gave birth to, two I adopted and the last one just moved in. I have experienced the joy and the heartbreak of fostering children and I would like to share that journey with you. I should clarify the fact that I am not currently licensed as a foster parent, but I believe that I will always be a foster parent in my heart. If you noticed above my house is pretty much full of kids and there is not another bedroom to be found. Since my home is already full of children I decided to go back to college and get my degree in Human Services and work in the field instead. I graduated in July 2011 and I now work for a local adoption/foster care agency called Hands Across the Water. The purpose of this blog is to share the positive side of fostering children and the amazing rewards for both the foster parent and the child.